It’s been a long day.

Are you here with me? Vent blog with coherence I hope.

[mortuarymuser]

[B]

B side - from B

B cute - cute

Rant - rants

[mortuarymuser]

Happy to be non sober again. My diet is strange. Im hungry n full n i need money n im tired and needd to find a therapist

[mortuarymuser]

Shut thebfuck up and sleep

[mortuarymuser]

I forget to choose privacy and to be genuine alot. I know this substance abuse thingy is less funny and more time to make life changes phase but aaaaaa i feel ??? And g

[mortuarymuser]

09/28/23

[Summary] Work went okay. Maybe gamed for too long. Considering buying smaller linoleum tools. Smoked more than id like today. Had a rough headache that isnt fully going away

[Check-in] I dont know what I’m feeling. I always feel worse at night so maybe i should stop staying up so late. I feel empty and tired. I don’t have energy for the things I’d like.

[Thoughts] i just want this pain to ease in a way that matters. Also i wish my antidepressants didnt make it a uphill battle to jerk off

[mortuarymuser]

I much preferred when i had things to say. Now i just feel empty. I can’t tell if this is better

[mortuarymuser]

I miss you i miss feeling like i had a foothold somewhere and i hate that i loved someone so stupid so much i never needed the other stuff I’m lonely and I’ve always been and now nothing feels any different. Life n deaths feel the same as walking. I’m good at moving along but where am i going

[mortuarymuser]

I wish there were some way for me to hone in. The things i got passionate about are hard to connect to. Talking alone is difficult. Sarahs been helping with amber and keeping her occupied i dont know. I wish i were better at this i shouldnt be so reactive and negative and dramatic but i cant help feeling thsi way

[mortuarymuser]

I want to be held i want to be spoiled i want someone be possessive of me in more than one or two facets i want someone to grip my wrist and ask me to stay i want someone to pry me open to insist on letting me speak I’m awfully childish but if someone looked me in the eye and after seeing as much of me i can show, tells me they want me to stay, i would break completely. I would kill to keep their hands clean i would throw all of myself away and i want someone to grip it all and insist they want my debris too

[mortuarymuser]

I dont know what i am and this is making it worse it is making it so much worse so so so much worse i hope i die soon

[mortuarymuser]

My only choice is to be unacceptable but it’s so so so lonely

[mortuarymuser]

Im sorry im sorry i know you all put in effort i just cant look past tomorrow i keep hoping something takes my life out of my hands i just wish i were dead so terribly I’ve been waiting for so long please don’t keep me any longer okay?

[mortuarymuser]

I need to have someone i think i killed me years ago and it helped us live but i cant exactly bring it back

[mortuarymuser]

I fantasized about dying alot today. I wanna have a smoke and i wanna burn and bruise myself and i wanna see it so i can feel my pain is real and i keep fantasizing about sex that quickly turns into murder. I keep imagining being stabbed and strangled and drowned and being disabled and thrown into a sealed container to suffocate. I thought about how I’ll probably get lung cancer one day and i felt so ecstatic about it my heart bloomed

[mortuarymuser]

She said she was doing research on my mental illnesses which is a loaded can of worms on its own but i said you can always ask me and she replied she preferred to do her own research which is. Another bitter aftertaste.

I wish i could get my head on straight about these things. I worked really hard you know? To get where i was before. The world isn’t going to wait for me to be a decent person but i cant get out of this pit again it’s reinforcing so many things i wish i could see me for me and not some machine

[mortuarymuser]

It gets so embarrassing at some point and im probably self obsessing but every little detail is making me feel like im starting to see a bigger picture. They said i could hold onto them but theyre not there. That’s a hard ask I understand but i want someone to spoil me too sometimes. I wanna be told its okay to cry longer than a few minutes and ask how im feeling

[mortuarymuser]

I love them i do but they’re not what i need and my paranoia is making it hard to not think of everyones resentments. The comments that i hold on too long for. Im sure I’ll still remember how you spelt those words exactly even ten years from now. Maybe more. I’m scared I’m sad I’m lonely I’m feeling terrible and the more i cough and feel chest pain the more a thrill runs through me that it really will all be over soon.

I wrote notes for everyone. My parents and brother were easy enough since we’ve all only ever spoonfed each other pleasantries our whole lives so it felt like writing a cover letter

I wrote some to friends but wasnt sure what to say that wasn’t an apology. I started one to [ her ] and started crying because shes the only one whos been here as long as i have. I hate this. I trapped myself in limbo