swear to god i hit rock bottom everyday i don't want to do this anymore

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@moscowsymptoms
swear to god i hit rock bottom everyday i don't want to do this anymore
like with all due respect i can't do this anymore. i feel like my mom doesn't take my problems seriously and like she thinks she knows better than me even though she doesn't live my life everyday. i've been crashing and burning for years now i don't think i have any hope left
knowing why my symptoms are the way they are litcherally sucks bc i'll be out there Experiencing The Symptom and i'll be rumaniting on why i have it While i'm having it. hell
having intrusive obsessions rlly is like I Have To Cleanse My Mind Of These Horrific Visions . but then i do nothing abt them and they continue to boil violently in my brain
don't you just love it when you're suspicious that someone is bullying you so you're already hostile + the someone in question is irritating and reminds you of your previous abusers at school so you have an anger outburst and tackle them <3
having severe intrusive thoughts & obsessions while being around freak-ass people is a genuinely horrible experience #boy
*experiences intrusive thoughts* *obsesses* *daydreams* *experiences intrusive thoughts* *experiences intrusive thoughts* *daydreams* *obsesses* *dreams about obsessions* *experiences intrusive thoughts* *obsesses*
why can't parents just say they want you dead instead of doing some "You Are Leftover Evil In My Life I Can't Carry On Like This You Should Leave" shit like mf this isn't a dark fantasy novel
abusive parents: if I don’t get what I want, I’m going to yell, throw a tantrum, cry, guilt trip, emotionally trigger, threaten, shame and use force to get my way
abusive parents: my kids don’t get their way? If they even complain or look displeased I will make them regret they’re ever born
abusive parents: there’s only room for one side of this relationship to act like a child and it’s going to be ME
keeping a child in condition where they don’t know if they’ll be safe today is torture.
keeping a child not knowing if they’re going to face a normal day or a day of screaming, tantrums and abuse you throw at them is torture.
keeping a child aware you can and intend to humiliate, hit, insult and scream at the moment they don’t do as they’re told to is torture.
keeping a child aware you’re building up their hatred towards them and waiting for a perfect moment to take it all out on them is torture.
threatening your child and keeping them terrified of how badly you could hurt them is torture, the longer it goes on, the bigger the psychological toll on the child.
letting your child know that their shelter, food, and permission to live is hanging by a thin thread and it can break any time, with any mistake they make, is torture.
keeping a child in condition where their every action, word, face expression or emotion could cause an avalanche of hatred and pain, accusations and blame on them, where their anxiety rises with every time they express, is torture.
having your child feel like they don’t deserve to be loved or comforted or paid attention to is torture.
having your child feel like they have to exhaust every last bit of their energy just to deserve to be alive is torture.
having your child feel like wanting for anything but the mere minimum they need for survival is selfish and makes them a burden is torture
having your child feel like their every need and want is a burden is torture.
having your child feel like they’ll never be good enough is torture.
stop torturing your children for convenience. your children are human beings. they do not exist for you, and they’re not your property. they’re not to be controlled by fear and guilt. no child has deserved this. damage you’re causing can never be paid back. you will always be guilty of torturing a child. you will always be a monster.
*experiences intrusive thoughts* *obsesses* *daydreams* *experiences intrusive thoughts* *experiences intrusive thoughts* *daydreams* *obsesses* *dreams about obsessions* *experiences intrusive thoughts* *obsesses*
im so tired of living like this
i can't stand being all alone, it makes me feel like i dont exist
wow maybe i should. hm. actually do some more stuff w this blog
no bc if i don't get tall & skinny and some good proportions REAL soon i'll commit murder maybe 🙄🙄