focus on the memories

Colleen Writer | Mother | Ohio

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celebrated 5 years of marriage (and flowers)

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I was going through stuff in my basement and I came across an old picnic basket that was full of pen pal letters and pieces of art from people I used to talk to on Tumblr. God it brought back so many warm and fond memories. This website used to be my favorite safe haven - the place where I felt so understood. I wish I could go back and write down everyone’s name I used to talk to so often in hopes of still being able to be in touch today. But now all I have is letters with no names, pictures of people and places that I can’t recall and artwork that still moves me - even after all these years.

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My hydrangeas are in full bloom and I’m full of bliss

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They said I should lose myself, so I went into the sky

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“We knew, finally, that the girls were really women in disguise, that they understood love and even death, and that our job was merely to create the noise that seemed to fascinate them.” - Jeffrey Eugenides, The Virgin Suicides

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“Basically what we have here is a dreamer. Somebody out of touch with reality. When she jumped, she probably thought she'd fly.” - Jeffrey Eugenides, The Virgin Suicides

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“We felt the imprisonment of being a girl, the way it made your mind active and dreamy, and how you ended up knowing which colors went together.” - Jeffrey Eugenides, The Virgin Suicides

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I went through the archives of this blog and just wow.. 11 years of writing poetry, making art, posting photography and just being able to call this place my safe haven. It’s incredible how much of an impact this site has had on me, my writing and just my overall mental wellbeing. Being able to be open.. to be myself on here has saved me many, many times. There’s something beautiful about being able to go back a decade and see how I felt all those years ago. Today I was thinking about the past.. remembering it for something that it wasn’t because Spring is in the air.. and I was able to go back on this blog and remind myself that nostalgia is so cruel and nothing that I purposely left in the past is something I should desire ever again. I think I’m going to keep doing that.. I’m going to keep using this decade old diary as a way to remind myself that I am better than I was back then. That I suffered, made it through and am alive to tell the tale. I’ve been able to immortalize my own experiences, and there’s something so beautiful about that.

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One thing I’ve learned in life is to never lend out books to someone who you don’t trust with your whole heart. Because the day will come when you don’t speak anymore and all the words that could’ve changed you and helped you get over their absence are somewhere lost at the bottom of their nearly abandoned basement.

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one of the worst feelings is being misunderstood by someone who swore that they’d always hear you out.

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I never lost myself completely but there are times I’ll find little remnants of myself all over the place and sometimes I wonder if I put them there or if they got lost along the way.

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I also know there are some things I will never be able to forget and that’s ok.

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but then I remember life is one big reflection and in order to let things go I have to reflect, process and then as time goes on I gradually feel more at ease.

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I’m learning how to let things go and you’d think I would have learned that by now but it’s like every new year that comes around is a new challenge and it’s like when January hits so does the reset button and I’m back to square one.

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while cleaning my room i came across your book "the risk of being an unknown" and i thought about you and how i used to send you messages, i fell in love with your poems years ago and i am so happy to see that your blog is still active and you look beautiful and happier than ever! i'm so glad you are still sharing your writings with us followers, yes... tumblr has changed but it can still be soft and intimate and it would feel really empty without your blog. thanks for still sharing your life <3

I can’t believe I am now seeing this and replying to it! I am so sorry for the length of time it’s taken me to respond. Thank you so, so much for this message. It’s crazy to think there is anyone out there that has that book or let alone thinks about my poems. You have no idea how happy that makes me. I want to start writing again but sometimes find myself hesitant, but it’s your message that makes me remember why I loved posting my writings so much. So thank you so much. I can’t explain how much this meant to me. Even if this message is old, your words have given me a sense of warmth that I haven’t felt for a long time.

I hope you’re doing well 💕

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a few of my favorite things

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flowers on campus