adhd&anxiety

this is a trash can full of sad thoughts and trauma. get out while you can!

[motherissues]

i am in love with someone who doesn't love me back and i think i am going to break beyond salvation.

my heart feels like a bomb in my chest. it's heavy and unstable and i don't trust it. i wish it would explode and die forever. i wish i only cared about myself.

[motherissues]

i feel so crappy like a wet rag like a single worn sock forgotten in the dusty corner under someone's bed like a person with adhd who barely manages to take care of themselves and fails to be productive despite society engraining into their brain that that is the most important thing that that is what gives you value as a human being that it doesn't matter that you are struggling and fighting and bleeding because in the end you're not contributing and that will always define your worthlessness

[motherissues]

om vi bara hade varit vänner

så hade jag redan sagt

att jag älskar dig

för längesen

[motherissues]

jag saknar dig och det känns svårt.

inte saknaden i sig,

men att jag inte får berätta för dig

hur mycket jag tycker om dig.

jag tror att jag kommer sprängas litegrann,

men bara lite och försiktigt.

det är inte sådär smärtsamt intensivt längre.

det är fint och klart och lugnt.

jag önskar jag kunde berätta för dig

hur mycket jag tycker om dig

utan att du ryggar tillbaka,

men jag förstår att du är rädd

och det är inte mitt fel

och jag har ju inte bråttom,

så jag väntar.

[motherissues]

i want to have sex

[motherissues]

hello yes um i just have a small request to make it's- um it would be nice if- no... um i just want to- ... NEXT TIME CAN YOU PLEASE FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN LOVE YOU BACK ?!

(me @ my brain)

[motherissues]

why isnt there something i can eat in the morning that has all the nutrients and energy i need for the day ?! it's so idiotic that we have to fuel ourselves constantly it takes so much TIME and EFFORT and MENTAL ENERGY ugh !!!

[motherissues]

i tried to initiate a makeout session but i think they declined

that is ok and i accept it

but i felt disappointed

and that didn't feel like an okay reaction

i know i am not entitled to anything !

is it possible to feel disappointment without entitlement ?

maybe

maybe entitlement would be not taking no for an answer

maybe it's perfectly reasonable to feel a little bit disappointed when you don't get to make out with a person you like a lot

maybe it's okay to feel rejected when someone rejects you

maybe i should just accept myself and not instantly believe that i am evil all the time

that sounds an awful lot nicer than being a dick to myself, actually

[motherissues]

feelings and thoughts and thoughts about feelings

i feel emotions very strongly

sometimes, some of these emotions, like sadness and anger, feel like they're too big and impossible to handle, so i shut them off and feel anxious instead

these intense emotions and/or anxiety can cause extremely powerful thoughts and impulses that can be hard to deal with & feel like The Absolute Truth

those thoughts and impulses aren't The Absolute Truth

if i distance myself a little bit from my head i can see them for what they are: thoughts and impulses caused by an emotional state

instead of overthinking and logicking my way through it, i can focus on the sensations of the emotion in my body and let it run its course. sit with the discomfort. it is not dangerous. (however: i should do this in a safe place where i can allow myself to feel my emotions fully, for example by crying, punching a pillow, swearing etc.)

sometimes, the emotional reactions i have to things feel wrong and shameful. in those situations i tend to push them away and try to ignore them. but it doesn't work. instead i grow anxious and feel ashamed and embarassed. if i am interacting with another person i feel disingenuous and they often notice that something is off.

i am not sure what to do in those situations. i will try to let myself feel the original emotion without evaluating it. but it's hard to do when in the company of another person, especially if they are the source of the shameful emotion. i don't know how to feel the emotion and choose not to act on it, while not feeling/coming off as disingenuous. maybe distance myself for a bit? go to the bathroom? i am afraid of it being read as rejection.

[motherissues]

if you're chatting with someone and start to feel tired, you can be the one that says good night. it's possible! you can choose to end on a high note and not ruin the vibe by continuing out of FOMO. wow. revolutionary.

[motherissues]

ha ha ha ha isn't it funny how

every time i build a new and healthy relationship

i think i have beaten my trauma and have Finally Learned how to communicate

but then they get sad or angry with me

and i just C R U M B L E

like bitch get yourself together !!! conflict is NORMAL in any relationship. you are not a bad person for upsetting someone! they will not leave you over a misunderstanding! B I T C H !!!

[motherissues]

international women's day again tomorrow

im so fucking tired

the more adult i become the worse it gets

i just wish prejudice would die

also protip for men: don't compliment women on their appearance while alone with them in a public restroom

ok thaaaaanx xoxo <3

[motherissues]

afraid of abandonment

afraid of being too much

afraid of other people having to make an effort for me

afraid of being rejected

afraid of being hurt

afraid of hurting others

afraid that this will be my life

afraid that ill never find someone again

afraid that i am irreparably broken

afraid that no one can help me

afraid that i don't have the energy to get better

afraid of being disliked by people i care about

afraid of being misunderstood

afraid of not being enough

afraid of being undeserving of love

[motherissues]

here we go again

another turn on the carousel

im the clown who keeps on riding

thinking ill get somewhere

[motherissues]

this medicine sucks

i feel absolutely hopeless again

how will i ever be able to find a job?

and then keep it?

i feel like i don't deserve to live

[motherissues]

i am on sick leave again

but this time i feel hopeful

im trying meds

spring is approaching

i love my friends so much

and im not obsessed with anyone !

i went from feeling like the loneliest, weirdest, most alien person in the world

suicidal

to feeling like life is beautiful. i am beautiful!

i honestly feel at peace most of the time

and when i dont, i have support to fall back on

there's a reason why people who have been through the worst tell you it gets better

you just have to hold out. ask for help.

you deserve to save yourself

[motherissues]

things i want to do:

draw

read

clean

thing i do: