Well hello there.

[motherlytangent]

Busy life. . .

Sometimes it's really hard to find the energy to do more. I know I could do more, but after working all day & coming home to an overly messy house & kids who may or may not have done their home work.. I just don't feel like doing all the extras.

My coworker is out on leave after a total knee replacement. So any and all things have to go through me. I am in charge of 4 physicians patient loads. So for the next month all sick calls, prescription refills, sending any referrals, running any patients, and oh all the wonderful voice mails from patients, and pharmacies, and insurance companies.... needless to say there's always something to do... especially now that I will be taking care of it on my own.

Thursday being the perfect example of an insanely busy week. I had 2 physicians in office & we are understaffed by 4 MAs. I ran all of the patients myself & completed all of the daily paperwork-per patient. Most of the days this week I didn't need help. Today both of my doctors were out of the office & I was scheduled to help with one of the other teams physicians. So I ran his half day of patients & early in the am realized we didn't have anyone to run the xolair clinic..... so.... they of course asked me. I added it on to the pile of things I did for the day & it worked! I was maybe a little late rooming one or two patients, but the doc was cool about it. Plus today was a half day for patients & it allowed me to catch up on a few things & finish the day satisfied with the work I had done.

.........thus why I don't feel like the extras.

#justsayin

MT

[motherlytangent]

Sometimes I picture my life as if I were alice whilst falling down the hole. Nothing makes sense, and there seems to be no bottom.

[motherlytangent]

Here I am. Years later. Still stuck in the same loop of life. Sad, strange life.

At least now I have an amazing career to focus on. I love what I do. I work in pulmonary critical care as an ma. It's incredible. I really feel like I get to touch lives & make a difference. I just wish for so much more for myself than the hand I've dealt myself.

[motherlytangent]

You know you're sick when you prefer to die when you're asleep because it's easier than being awake.

[motherlytangent]

I feel so lost in everything I do. Maybe just maybe it's because of the choices I've made... but I just feel like nothing will ever be normal again. Cheers MT

[motherlytangent]

F.it.

Ever since my account was hacked & read I feel like I have nowhere to vent or even write now, but f it. If that's how it's gotten to be then, oh well. I feel so lost and broken. I don't know right from wrong anymore. It's like all the worst things are the ones that make me happy. I want to do the bad things, I want all the wrong people to love me. I want to be selfish. I want more for myself. I want to be loved and held the way I want it...... But how do I get that? How do I do this for myself? I just want a little freedom & a little less feelings. Cheers to being broken.

[motherlytangent]

...

I even love the way his hair feels in my hands.

[motherlytangent]

[motherlytangent]

...

Sometimes I wonder if I'm chasing a fools errand. If happiness is real, or if it just looks good in a storefront. I'm so tired of window shopping. :( MT

[motherlytangent]

Violation

I feel very violated. Not that my feed is a crazy super private one, but I kind of count on the fact that nobody reads it. That's not so true anymore. All I can feel is disappointment. I guess that's on me.

[motherlytangent]

Mind body and spirit

I've decided to do at least an hour of yoga every day. Today is day 4, and I feel great. A bit sore sure, but it's a good kind of sore. :) Let's hope it gives me a happier perspective. Let's hope I can keep it up. I've been looking at some crazy hard yoga poses, and I'm hopeful that someday that'll be me. :) Cheers to another day. MT

[motherlytangent]

Happened again...

I've lost it. I'm not sure how to be happy anymore. A huge part of me knows it's in there somewhere, but I am stuck in a rut. I wish that I could rewind the last 6 months and not let any of it happen. I wish I could repair my virtue at my space, and go back to being what I am. A married mom of 4. Yet. All I can think about is how much I'm missing out on. I'll never get it back.

[motherlytangent]

Lost.

I want to drink every moment of every day. I don't see a sober lifestyle anymore. Not too sure how to feel about that.

[motherlytangent]

Blah blah blah.

[motherlytangent]

Don't stop till u get enuf

Sometimes I just want to scream. Everything seems peachy keen, but really... it's like I'm lost in a game of jumanji. The kids don't really ever listen, and the only time they behave is when they're in front of the tv. Of course it's summer time, and they're out of school, so my house is jam packed with pre-teen age angst. Yay. Can you imagine the size of the attitudes in my house? The hubs... ugh. We've had alot of issues the past couple months. All of it regards our intimate life. Which is stupid. In my opinion one portion of your relationship shouldn't define the rest, but it has. So we both have seen other people. Which I'm not sure has made anything better. I assume we will be okay. This isn't the worst we have pushed through. Oh work life. Today is my Monday. I waitress tonight, and bartend thurs, sat, and sun. I really can't complain about my job right now, it gets me away from stuff at home, and I get alot of hugs. Which is very nice. Although it can be frustrating, and hard work. I like getting away, I need to get away. Here's to another day. MT

[motherlytangent]

Funk

I catch myself saying. Really. I swear I'm okay.... When I know deep down. I'm not. #someday.

[motherlytangent]

Blurrr.r.

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Other times I feel as if my head is barely above water, and drowning is inevitable. Sad but true.