hell and back

good morning. we are all haunted. embrace yourself (and your many demons) sometimes nsfw

[trashfirefallon-deactivated2019]

raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by your own gastrointestinal tract

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my teenage self would be proud. im going on testosterone in less than a week. its terrifying, my family might be horrible to me, but im not going any longer without being the person that i really am

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Post-concert rant:

NO ONE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU IN AN AUDIENCE. If you come to a punk rock show, you are going to get stepped on, shoved, possibly punched, and definitely bruised (unless your show is lame :( ). That comes with the territory.

If you are in need of assistance, cannot stand up for a few hours, are fragile, hate being next to people, idk bleed easily???, or something??? then you cannot go to a punk show and expect everyone to cater to you. I DO NOT KNOW YOU. If you don't want me to step on your toes when the frontman SCREAMS at us to jump, then wear. Fucking. Steel-toed boots.

No, I will not move out of the way so you can stand in front of me with your friend. We bought floor tickets and I got here before you, or you walked away, or someone else walked away and I took their spot. There is no saving-of-spots here. I get to go out to a concert every few months, and I get there fucking early and I stand in the front. I scream. I jump. Yeah, I'm gonna bump into you. But I'm also going to watch my elbows as carefully as I can while I'm headbanging, do my best to put my feet only in the tiny area that I am allowed, and I'm gonna tie my hair into braids and keep them from hitting your face.

Music is a cathartic experience for me. If you cannot hang with the crowd - with a band that is SCREAMING at the audience to start a mosh pit - then you should find a concert where you can sit, or stand in the back. At the very least, do not complain when someone else goes to a PUNK SHOW and they act like a fucking PUNK for a couple of hours.

I'm not fucking responsible for you. I'm responsible for myself. I wear earplugs, stay hydrated, and make sure I've eaten before I show up. That's what I have to do for myself. Everyone is different - if you need to be at the very front, you better get there at 8 fuckin AM. Now, I'm not here to purposefully hurt you, but again, if you play with fire you gotta be okay with getting burned - which I AM.

Feel free to bash me in the side at a punk concert. Hit me with your elbow, scream in my ear. But don't you dare come up to me afterwards and tell me that I'm being PUNK THE WRONG WAY. This shit keeps me alive. This is my medicine.

Hold your own in the crowd, or go to a different fucking show.

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yes yes yes yes to the harry potter rp!!

it is happening!!! its very simple so itll be up shortly for apps

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Do it

this is a very compelling argument

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new rp...?

would anyone be interested in a harry potter rp on twitter? i cant seem to find one being advertised on here. im thinking marauders era, 1975. low-key with lots of hogwarts shenanigans and drama.

if anyones interested, send me a message or reply here or something. id be happy to make one if theres an interest! 

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im honestly going to scream if i have to hear my housemates gerbil fucking chewing on shit in the middle of the night any more

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3.19.18

i never log in here but i need to immortalize the last bit of my life.

so i dated a guy for 6 months even though i didnt want to be in a relationship in the first place. hes really a sweetheart and a great person but 7 years older than me and not in control of his shit AT ALL so eventually i got extremely s cared about what my life would be like if i had to take care of him forever so i broke it off. honestly we should have been friends to begin with and hopefully we will be friends eventually because it wasnt a bad breakup

i do modeling for art classes at eastern and i just started working for a different teacher and this guy is weird. hes not from here and hes very hard to understand and he keeps wanting me to do poses that i cant hold, like standing on one foot for 20 minutes. today he drew around me in charcoal (this is normal usually) but the charcoal cracked everywhere (obviously) and then he blew it away... into my vagina. awesome.

im gonna live by myself next year (well, starting mid may) and im so excited. im SO tired of hearing my housemate listen to critical roll constantly and her gerbil chewing the cage bars through the wall. theres gonna be an older woman living above me but thats IT and i think itll be just fine. and i get to poop alone EVERY DAY. im really excited about it i cant wait

[auditorycheesecakes]

the only bad thing about garlic is all the paperwork you have to do before you can even cut it up

look at that

layers and layers of bureaucratic bullshit

[leparfumdessapins-deactivated20]

[kiranightart]

Pretty sure Akira is my new favorite Persona protagonist. 

So here’s some more weird fan art that took way too long! :D

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8.28.17

Yooo

Ok so today wasn’t so bad. I still don’t have internet btw, which is jjust so cool ofc… I woke up at 730 and chilled in bed for a lil b4 I got up and got dressed and got all ready for school. Catherine had to drive me bc my car was in the shop so we left at like 810 and got there around 830ish and we parked at horsebarn hill, which they added more commuter parking to! Yay! My class was in hicks so it was right there and then I had INTERNET! So I posted my replies yaaaaaaaaaay!

The first class I had was wetlands ecology and the guy doesn’t talk very loud but honestly he was kinda funny and seemed like a nice dude so I think its gonna be good and not too hard. We did an activity and for part of it you had to find someone who had been to minesota, and when we finished he called on me bc I had been there. It was weird, he asked weird questions that I couldn’t answer like which suburb was my family from??? And I had no clue… I just said we go to st paul. I guess he did his degree there so he thought I knew shit but im from cali baby sorry

Next class was in the basement of ITE so I had to RUN omg. Its already hard enough to go downhill from there to hicks, and going up sucked. But the second class was intimate relationships and OH BOY im excited for this class! The teacher sounds gay first of all which is cool even if hes not gay, and its about all SORTS off interesting things that I kinda just think I should know about. He specifically noted that hes going to try to be inclusive and we are going to talk about non hetero things which is GREAt. I drafted an email to send when im on campus tomorrow with questions about honors conversion and his research and stuff so I rly hope he replies

So then I went to the gym and did arms, and MAN my pump was awesome. I could pull 100 on the lat pulldown doing chinup grip and I could only pull like 80 last semester! I felt pumped. It wasn’t so busy bc I went at like 1130 when everyone was eating lunch so it was great yaaaaay! So then I showered and I met my dad so that he could get lunch and I could eat mine, and then I had to run nd get my last HPV vaccine shot and it hurt but I did great hehe and now im ALL DONE. No more fuckin needles for a while thank god. My arm is gonna be sore for like 4 dayss though, so that’s why I did arms today lol

Then we went and got my car and the tires apparently are worn down in weird spots so its kind of a bumpy ride but I mean… I will survive I guess. We also ran to target (altho I was fucking dying I was so tired) and we got a bike. We brought it back and at first I was having major issues and it was being shti and I thought it might not be good, but I took it around again and actually I think itll be fine. So hopefully thatll help me get around campus because last year I was fast walking a lot abd honestly like what the fuck. ALSO the buses are fucked up because theres a road closure and basically you cant get anywhere so I wanted a bike to jst be able to go fast. Its in my trunk and im gonna use it tomorrow… wish me luck

I came home and my dad eventually left and he gave me a card that had 140$ in it omg thank god I can actually pay for groceries while I wait for paychecks for a month. I took a shift Wednesday n ight with Meagan so things should get moving in that respect, I hope. Aw shit I GOTTA remember to bring my work clothes on Wednesday then, wow. I should have time to change and stuff. Ill also need two meals… ill figure it out I guess uhh

Btw I was so annoyed bc I cried a little when my dad left because I feel so bad that HE feels sad about leaving and it just makes me feel shitty… im in this weird limbo where like… he is still mean to me sometimes and he does bad things but its not as bad as it used to be but the past still HAPPENED sso I mean? Im not forgiving him and I cant ever feel comfortable around him and I just. I guess I feel like I should never feel sad abt it and im really not I just. Idk. Im not really sure rn.

Made some food and chatted with Catherine a bit, almost burnt my nachos but I saved them. The broiler is quite hot here. Then I excused myself at like 930 because omg I needed to fucking write like, im gonna get nothing done if I just get stuck talking to Catherine for hours every night. But tomorrow im coming home at like 330 and she wont be here for 2 hrs after that so hopefully I can chill and maybe make rice then and get a head start on things… that would be good. I have to do some reading for both of my classes so far but im not good at reading during the week, I might see if I can wait and read it/catch up/read ahead on the weekend when I have more time. Catherine will also be gne then and it’s a 3 day weekend so I think thatll work out well honestly

Well I gotta go to bed now I have a class at 930 and I gotta go early to work out this bike so bye

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8.25/26/27.17

Holy shit ok I didn’t get to write because of the whole no internet thing and also moving but imam catch u up ok?

So we flew into ct on Friday night and I honestly didn’t get more than 30 minutes of sleep. Honestly. We got in at about 6 and got to the storage place at like 730 and turns out my car HAD GAS so that’s good bc my mom thought it was all gonna evaporate. Lel. And then we got my car and yeah it was making some weird noises but it went away eventually but the brakes are bad so we took it to the shop later and we are picking it up tomorrow and it should be good to go. It took us three trips to get all of my stuff in and uh… my room is really small (like half the size of my last one not even including the walk in closet) so it looked like I would have to get rid of half of my stuff. JOKES On THEM THO because I found a spot for everything and its not even cramped, and I only had to donate like two bags of clothes and stuff (that I should have donated last your honestly ok I need to figure out my damn wardrobe…)

We did all of that and my roommates (housemates) boyfriend was there so that was a teeny bit annoying… everyone (my dad and her parents) left eventually and I just chilled and cleaned up and then when i went to go to bed omg they were fucking and her room is right by the bathroom and I had to poop so I had to listen to them fuck while I pooped… It was bad.

I slept like a rock for about 9 hours and then got up and my dad and I got a few extra things from the grocery store that I needed and we also went to the ice cream store that has the BEST ice cream and he got pie and vanilla and I got mint oreo and ahhhh its so good! It takes like MILK like its that fresh, they churned the fuckin milk and threw some sugar in and that’s it. Mmm. It doesn’t make me sick at all (food shouldn’t make you sick but yknow). Then we went to campus and I showed my dad most of the classrooms I have and also where I work and then we got lunch and went to the coop for him to get some shirts. He fucking asked a lady for help and she DIDN’T WORK THERE and I was so ebarassed holy fucking shit. I gotone book for class and also a new lock for the gym cuz the old one got cut hehe

Came back, I made 4 servings of pizza dough to freeze for the next couple of weeks, and then we went out to dinner at the pizza place that serves the ONLY GOOD gluten free pizza that I know of and I ate the whole damn pie. So. Fucking good. But hella expensive so I only go there if someone else is paying LOL

Then my dad left and my roommate finally came home lol she was gone all day for some reason. We hung out for a whle and I cooking tomorrows lunch and then I said I gotta go get ready for tomorrow so I put together my backpack and picked out clothes and everything and put my duffel together for the gym. I gotta get a shot tomorrow so im doing arms right before bc my shoulder is gonna be sore for like 3 days ahaha

Also I watched this movie called the place beyond the pines yesterday and um.. it was the best movies ive seen in a WHILE. So good. I recommend.

Imma head to sleep now, ive finished my replies to post tomorrow except for 1 so im good

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8.24.17

last day yall

i woke up today at like 830! and then i came online and... i had pretty much nothing to do. i guess i got like 2 replies but shit i mean. i wasnt feeling either of them so i just checked all of my sites and then fell the fuck asleep again until 12 LOL OOPS

i had to get a haircut at 1 so i had to get the fuck up then so i could go. turns out my parents have taken away my brothers car cuz hes being a dick (or maybe they found out that he sneaks out) so i had to drive us to the place even though i didnt exactly know where i was going. my brother was being a total ass so that was rly fucking annoying because i was trying to be nice, but whatever. the lady cut my hair (just a trim) and its all dry and stuff now and it looks good

while i was out, buck messaged me asking all about my headcanons for severus and lucius and man did i have a lot to tell her LOL. i sent her everything that i sent dex when he asked a while back and then i also elaborated more. turns out she might apply for him in a couple of months, and even though she doesnt reply much, i know she does a good job when she actually gets online and i wouldnt be totally opposed to that yknow so thats cool

after that i just uh watched some persona 5 letsplays and drew some of the characters for funsies. i also helped my dad put some movies on his phone and SHIT he has 64GB on his phone! i have like fucking 16! dammit!

we all had dinner together cuz im leaving tomorrow and that was fine but just annoying as usually because no one can have a conversation without getting other people angry of course. we are leaving around 4 tomorrow because TRAFFIC and then my flight leaves around 9pm. will get there at like 530am CT time so im thinking we will start being able to move in at like 7. oh damn i have to remember to tell catherine to leave a key on the porch so that i can get in if she is still sleeping. i hope i remember

then i spent many hours packing. it was REALLY hard to get all of my shit in there omg! i got a few extra pairs of pants and that goddam dildo (which i had to put in the box again obvs so that i can unpack without anyone seeing it) so that took up a lot of room, as well as my tennis shoes. i have one bag that im checking, and then my mini duffel and a backpack. everything is away except for 2 dresses that are drying, my toiletries, my electronics and chargers, and snacks that im getting tomorrow. i think i did a pretty good job honestly

after i finished all of that, i sat down and did 2 of my 3 replies. the other one sux and is boring so i copied it and im going to do it on the plane tomorrow because i wont have any distractions. hopefully ill also do some writing in general, although i might feel a little uncomfy writing the fic ive been working on. good news is that i have an idea for another one that wont be gross for a while so i can also do that

btw probably wont post my blog post tomorrow night lol but ill do my best to remember to write it and then post in the next day. uh but i also dont have internet at my place so im, who knows, it might be a while but ill still be writing

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8.23.17

mmm im sleepy

so today was the dreaded dentist day

i got up at about nine and tried to be as chill as possible. that was difficult so i masturbated to chill out lmfao. then i went ahead and took a shower and then my mom went to coffee bean with me to get one last drink bc we dont have it in CT and i love coffee bean

lol my brother is being an ass because he wants to transfer to his gfs online school even though he actually started school already and he also is really bad at motivating himself so he would do terrible. its just stupid, my mom was pretty annoyed about it

so at 3 i took that valium... i wasnt sure at firs that anything was happening because honestly i just got SOOO tired. i was yawning the whole way to the dentist and all i wanted to do was take a nap. my heart was still beating and i could tell i had anxiety but like still... i was too tired to really be insane. 

obvs it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be... the only thing i was worried about was the shots and it was okay. the first two (i had to get two teeth worked on) were like, i could kind of feel it, but they actually but the shot not in the gum but in the very floppy skin right underneath that has basically no nerves or anything in it so really it didnt hurt much, i was just nervous. i thought THAT number me the FUCk up but then 5 minutes later the dude came back and did 2 stronger shots!!! and then he worked on one tooth (it took like 15 minutes tops and im not worried about the drilling so i was just chilling) and then when he finished that he gave me A FIFTH SHOT for the other side of my mouth and holy MOLY i was so numb. that one was just as fine if not easier and then he just beveled out everything so that i wouldnt poke myself on the teeth or whatever

i think the poor dr was nervous that i would feel some pain and freak out so he reallllllllllly numbed me but honestly i was just worried about the shot LOL if the drilling hurt a little i probably wouldnt have cared. but i think i did a good job and i didnt make life hard on them this time so... that was good because last time i felt so bad. also i brought my stuffed cow so lol that helped a LOT actually

so then i came home and tried to have a sip of water and the water came straight back out of my mouth because my whole lower jaw was completely numb ofmg. its stayed numb for, i shit you not, five straight hours. i really think he went overboard with the novocaine but um, i didnt feel anything, so i guess it worked omg. when i could finally fell, i had some soup and cookies and then i drew for a while. i did a little snape and then a picture of the protagonist from persona 5 with his mask ripped off because wow that was so fucking cool when i watched rose play it i just had to draw it. that took me a long time because it had a lot of perspective and i didnt want to use a reference for that but i think it turned out great for what i was trying to do!

so finally i did 2 of my 4 replies since i didnt do any yesterday, and ill do the other 2 tomorrow no big deal. i was gonna write but i think i did a bit yesterday and im quite tired so maybe i will do it tomorrow. i do have to get a haircut tomorrow so theres that but otherwise i just need to start packing... in 48 hours ill be on a plane back. im not sad or anything, but i am gonna miss my dog a lot and i do like my mom usually so it just kinda sucks because im pretty sure i wont be with my family for this long ever again. i mean, again, its fine, i think i need to be away to recover from stuff and i need therapy and structure to my schedule again so this will be good, it will. but im gonna miss my dog. shes sitting right here next to me with a cone on cuz shes a butt but she wont leave my side lately. i feel so bad that i have to just leave her here

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8.22.17

heyeyyyyy

got up at like 10 ish and chilled out for several hours. i was supposed to get coffee bean with my mom at like 1 30 but she was super late and rose wanted to hang out so i just had to leave when she finally showed up but its fine because we have time to do it tomorrow

so rose and i went up to chipotle and my damn card got declined right away omg. turns out its been compromised for about two weeks now and my bank never called me about it even though theyve had to decline a BUNCH of transactions. so i spent like the first thiry minutes with her on the phone with wells fargo trying to figure everything out. luckily it was my credit card and not my debit so everything should get sorted out honestly

we chilled for a while and then eventually left to drive by our high school and then we went up to barnes and noble. they had some really cool new graphic novels there, i wish i had money to be into that but honestly i dont have the time or money. or the ability to concentrate. i cant really concentrate on reading lately, just writing, which is good and bad. im gonna be fucked in a week if any of my classes need a lot of reading done ahhhh

we also went to gamestop but neither of us knew exactly how to get there so we went way too far and SOMEHOW we ended up getting there and she got persona 5. then we went back to her house to play it for a while (i just watched lol i was chilling) and honestly it was a really cool game. i mean its a bit weird in the concept but im a sucker for characters and i really liked them so that was nice, im bad at playing games bc disassociation but i think id like to watch a playthrough of it sometime if i can find one. the character i self-identified with turned out to be a fucking furry so that was great

i was rly glad to be able to see rose again before i left, i really hope she messages me sometime if she wants to talk cuz i do value her friendship a lot and im just happy that we reconnected

i came home and it was pretty late, talked to me dad about this damn dentist thing tomorrow and he said he gets anxious as hell too (yes i do get all of this shit from him) but as soon as its over, its not nearly as bad as he thought it would be. which is exactly what its like very time i get a shot, and honestly im really good at just sitting there still for 10 seconds and taking it. so hopefully itll be fine and hopefully this valium will knock me the FUCK out enough that im just able to sit there. its only an hour of shit at the very most, and i know i can do it, i just suck because of mental health thanks

i wrote like 1k more words for my fic so thats cool, i do want to just quickly finish this since its not too long and i have another one in mind that i want to do. i guess i dont write fics, just short stories, although i can see a lot of other stuff i could write for both of these ideas. i tend to write kind of an end-game story if that makes sense, so there is a lot of background scenes that i could write that happened before the first fic. you know? i could also write stuff in the future but i always think its so much more satisfying to see how something came about rather than what happens after. aka i prefer prologues to epilogues every time

but yeah, didnt do any replies because they all suck right now and the 3 that i like arent getting replies, but whatever. im sleepy so bye

[sailorsscouts-deactivated201709]

wow i love [literally anything that has even slightly to do with animals]

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@snartruto