Run away from the beast @mouthfullofsand - Tumblr Blog

forever trapped in dialog belonging to someone else.

Attempted to reach out to an old friend today. No response. I wonder what its like to have a community, or to have people who are actually excited to talk to me. Not just daily bullshitting, not just a quick catch up. I cannot even fathom this. Its like I was wired different, cant seem to connect.

09182020

Pretty strange how I always end up scrolling wishing I had somebody to talk to... every time, I’m always there for everybody, but nobody can ever return the favor. as if my validation comes from the people around me. Whats the point if I dont have a community to turn to. I once again put everything on hold for a girl. My community is back home and here I am with 3 extra hours a day I have no communication or bonding with. Its funny because were probably gonna be back there in 5 years anyway. How can I simultaneously accept her and her needs while needing myself. I cant talk to somebody who isnt there. Its only been 4 days. The people I have here cant even tell me they dont want to spend time. its always just me talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk. no response. am i annoying? am i just not giving off the right vibe? I mean i cant even maintain conversations ANONYMOUSLY on the fucking internet like WHAT THE FUCK why does it have to be like this?

9/16/2020

Forgot to journal the last few days. Honestly, physically writing isnt really for me. Sure the thought is more permanent but the only thing I really change when I type out my thoughts is spelling errors... maybe the spelling errors adds to the authenticity? I just think its bad form at the end of the world to cut down a tree to write down human thoughts. What an ego drive. I will admit its been nice not to be tempted to lol or lmfao when physically writing. Maybe time to figure out how to accurately express when I find something funny. lol.

Justine is back in Michigan for a week, which is funny considering this weeks manipura chakra revolves around power... Now I actually HAVE to be accountable for myself and my actions. I feel like ive done a pretty good job, aside from the non journalling. Ive Done the chants twice so far, and Ive meditated with a solar plexus healing audio three times? technically two because the last one I was laying on the accumat for. Fell asleep HARD. That thing is truely a treat for sure.

IT was really really nice to go on a long bike ride the night Justine flew out. I definitely need to be better about stating when I need to do long rides. I think we could both stand to be a bit healthier overall. Were not very active. Im hoping this clense will help her get some new energy and kick down whatever blocks are happening in her. She has gained a little weight, which is fine shes still beautiful and sexy and i love every inch of her, but I do miss picking her up and carrying her around. I should also be working on my own strength too. More pushups please.

Ive been diving more into this coding stuff, Its all hella confusing right now but im giving it my best effort. Im hoping once the classes actually start stuff will start to demystify itself. Ive been working on a lil javascript and html practice project but really only parts of each make sense to me right now the rest is just following along with what the resources and tutorials are doing.

I got my guitar back yesterday! My god its great. Ive never played single coil guitar before and THE TONE is beautiful! the controls are a little finicky but i just gotta get used to it i guess. I wish i had spent a little extra cash on the bridge, i can totally tell its falling out of tune when i bend strings. nothing major but enough make me want to replace it down the road eventually, so like why didnt i just cough up the extra 40 to begin with? LOTS of lessons of "you pay for what you get" recently.

FUTURE SELF, JUST PAY MORE FOR THE GOOD STUFF. SINCERLY, PAST SELF.

Anyway, were supposed to journal like 3 pages every morning for the vocal workshop and Im not entirely sure what length that translates to in tumblr blog terms, but Ive pretty much been stopping whenever I cant think of anything else to say, so here I am.

Peace. Love yourself.

Week 3: Manipura Chakra

I consider myself a powerful musician.

I currently feel like my partner has power over me. Sometimes this is good and sometimes this feeling manifests negatively.

I have the power to create whatever I want

Four people who bring the best in my life are Justine, my brother Jon, my friend Phil, and my parents (counting them as one cuz I have the power to do so :p)

One area in my life that i would like to be more assertive is in group settings being able to express myself more or to vocalize more In groups in general.

what I think is holding me back from this is never thinking I was particularly interesting or that I had any benefit to the conversation. Lately, that my presence as a male needs to be cut back to allow more space for others.

many, many, many, many of my friendships I would consider non-reciprocal. I can pour my entire being into them and feel like theyre not trying hard enough with me.

Ive been meaning more and more to write lyrics to my music. Nothing is stopping me but the hand cramps from writing lol.

It is very easy for me to accept responsibility for my choices.

I am currently blaming myself for my present circumstances. Not trusting my gut in my early 20s telling me to veer away from what society was telling me to do.

I know how powerful I am.

I have the courage to create positive change in my life.

I am capable.

I choose the best for myself.

I can achieve whatever i set my mind to.

I choose relationships that make me feel supported and accepted.

I own my choices.

I celebrate my vitality.

I follow my dreams.

I feel motivated to pursue my purpose.

I trust my gut instinct.

It is easy for me to get started.

I am proud of my achievements.

It is safe for me to be seen as powerful.

It is easy for me to take responsibility for my life.

I confidently express myself.

I take actions towards my goals and my own happiness every day.

I stand in my power.

I speak my truth confidently.

I am strong.

I stand up for myself.

I am worthy of love, kindness, and respect.

I forgive myself for my past mistakes and learn from them. know that i did not know what I know now.

We are each responsible for our experiences.

Every thought we think is creating our future.

Everyone is dealing with the damaging patterns of resentment, criticism, guilt, and self-hatred.

These are only thoughts and thoughts can be changed.

We need to release the past and forgive everyone, Including ourselves.

Self-approval and self acceptance in the “now are the keys to positive changes.

The point of power is always in the present moment.

Week two: Sacral Chakra

Something that brings me joy is my music and making noise. I suppose thats two things but they go hand in hand lol.

Right now I am feeling socially stuck, but after some reflecting these last months I am realizing that a lot of it is self inflicted.

My music is fun. I feel connected to my ability to play, but less so with having people to play with.

Five things I remember enjoy doing as a child: Play video games, play with my friends, be by the lake and on water, make noise, be online in chats with friends (sometimes strangers lol)

I feel very conservative with my money, I dont often partake in my hobbies out of fear (probably induced by my father as a child) that I wont be able to survive.

Lately I have been better at expressing my emotions in my close relationships. I feel the ones I have the hardest time expressing are feelings of uncertainty (what are they thinking, have they all of a sudden decided to hate me?) selfishness (because if im doing something for me why would that person want to stay with me.)

It is easy for me to talk about money

Sometimes it is difficult to ask for my sexual needs, out of fear of being percieved as selfish.

Affirmations:

IT is easy for me to ask for what i want. I connect with others without losing who I am. I feel pleasure and abundance with every breath i take. I embrance and celebrate my sexuality. I embrace change fearlessly. I trust that life is always upgrading for me, even when i cant see what is next. I am passionate. I deserve pleasure. Creativity flows through me. I experience pleasure without guilt. I am a sensual and creative being. I radiate lifes joy. I feel connected to all the goodness that life has to offer. I love and enjoy my body.

Week one: Root Chakra.

In order to feel safe, I need my guitar. Nothing feels more protective to me than the wall of sound cradling my brain space, the mindless motion of my fingers in sync with the vibration of the strings.

Usually I find it more difficult to ask for support.

My guitar and sound creation help keep me grounded.

I show I care for my body by staying hydrated, taking my vitamins, going on bike rides and walks, eat good food (most of the time lol)

As a child I felt protected by staying alone with my instruments. One of the big ways I feel my needs were not met was my parents lack of support and motivation in my musical life. That if I focused on my music too much then I wouldnt be successful or able to take care of myself, so they didnt pay any attention to my musical journey at home.

When it comes to my truth, I dont feel like there are "unsafe" topics to discuss but some topics may be harder for me to open up about.

I am safe. I have a right to be here. I am supported by seen and unseen forces. I am supported by and connected to mother earth. It is safe for me to ask for support. It is safe for me to speak my truth. I will be taken care of. I love being in my body.

lazyyogi

Peace doesn’t require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.

Byron Katie (via lazyyogi)

lazyyogi

When someone says, ‘I love you,’ he is telling you about himself, not you. When someone says, ‘I hate you,’ she is telling you about herself, not you. World views are self views–literally.

Adyashanti (via lazyyogi)

angeladeane

Come and walk with us, how long it has been.

I'd like to take a moment to personally thank Snapchat for allowing me to passively remain in the lives of people I vaguely give a shit about. Seriously nobody gives a fuck. ❤❤❤

#snapchat #angst #wtf #angry thoughts