Moxie

Mother, wife, therapist… It’s been a very long journey with mental health and I’m finally feeling pretty okay. I struggle with depression, anxiety, ADHD and an eating disorder. Hubs is my husband. S1 is my 11 year-old son. S2 is my 6 year-old son. HB is my newborn daughter. N is my current therapist of 4 years. I ventured out into my own private practice in 2020 and am loving it.

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I'm needing an outlet for everything going on in therapy, so I'm going to post more I think.

It's been so long, does anyone still follow?

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S2 when he was 3. 🥰

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There's so much going on...

But question of the night: did my baby girl sleep through the night last night because hubs wasn't in bed with me/in the room with us and his snoring didn't wake her up?

He's in here tonight (and snoring), so we'll see. He might be getting some breath right strips tomorrow.

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She did not, in fact, sleep through the night.

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There's so much going on...

But question of the night: did my baby girl sleep through the night last night because hubs wasn't in bed with me/in the room with us and his snoring didn't wake her up?

He's in here tonight (and snoring), so we'll see. He might be getting some breath right strips tomorrow.

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My baby is 1.

Incredibly bittersweet.

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How is this sweet girl almost one year old?

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I haven't taken any ADHD medication since I got pregnant with baby girl. I had been on Adderall. At my last med appointment she told me I can take Concerta while I'm breastfeeding.

Guys... Life changing.

I have energy. I tackled some big things I've been putting off for months. Work related, financial related kind of things. I am less depressed. I'm not coming home after dropping S2 at school and getting back into bed until 7 minutes before my first client. Or between clients.

I'm hoping now to come off the Zoloft. It kills my libido (as if I had one in the first place) but it majorly reduced my anxiety and OCD symptoms while I was pregnant and newly postpartum.

And just cause... Here's baby girl. She's less than a month away from being 1 year old.

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Therapy

Tomorrow, March 16, is exactly 3 years from my last in-person therapy session with N.

I miss in-person sessions, even though telehealth has worked really well. I cannot believe it’s been that long. It’s also how long it has been since I last saw two of my clients in-person (they followed me to my private practice from the agency). I don’t know when I’ll practice in-person again, but I think at some point I will get a physical office.

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9 months old.

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TW - postpartum depression, postpartum psychosis, child death, suicidal ideation

I'm thinking a lot about Lindsay Clancy. Postpartum psychosis is terrifying. However her lawyer made a statement regarding her being on 12 psych medications. I'm horrified if she was in fact taking all of those medications. (I'm a therapist and I specialize in pregnancy and postpartum mental health, so I have professional knowledge about this.)

I keep thinking about how this could have been me. In 2013 I was a mess. My eating disorder was really bad, I was extremely depressed, self harming, and eventually had a manic episode landing me in the psych hospital. I was 2 years postpartum, but it was many months of suffering before I started getting treatment. I was discharged from the psych hospital on 1mg Xanax extended release 4 times a day, on top of an anti depressant. I was a zombie. Over the next 9 months I was prescribed about a dozen different medications, many overlapping, and I continued to be a mess. I attempted suicide. I never had thoughts of harming my son and I never had a psychotic episode, but that was luck as much as anything. The treatment I was getting was not adequate but I didn’t realize it at the time. My husband was not a support, and I was very much alone in it.

The resources for pregnant and postpartum moms are not even close to being sufficient. And are mostly inaccessible. When I saw a perinatal psychiatrist, the intake appointment cost $400 and follow up med appointments were $250. I was incredibly lucky to be able to afford it, but ultimately had to stop because it wasn’t financially sustainable. Most mental health professionals have little to no training in perinatal mental health. There are only a few inpatient psychiatric treatment centers that specialize in perinatal mental health. The fear of being separated from their baby/children is a huge barrier, or even worse the fear of their baby/children being taken away.

Lindsay Clancy’s actions were preventable if she had had appropriate treatment. This was preventable!

Postpartum Support International is a great resource. They are able to provide peer support, support groups, and connect to professional services. They have a crisis line, and a consultation line for any professional who is prescribing medication.

Postpartum.net

Crisis phone and text line: 800-944-4773

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My baby girl will be 9 months old on Tuesday. I can’t believe how fast the time has passed. I want to rewind. I love each new phase, but I miss the newborn stage. It’s my favorite and this is my last child, so I won’t get to experience it again.

She is still not sleeping through the night, and actually has had quite the regression. Actually since she had RSV in October she’s had a rough time sleeping. Sickness, teething, and belly issues are hitting hard.

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I guess I've been MIA for a bit. Baby girl's head is just fine. Small but fine. No craniosynostosis.

She turned SIX MONTHS OLD yesterday!

She had RSV and she was in the hospital for two days, but it was mostly for monitoring. I love this little girl so much.

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Tomorrow is baby girls appointment with the Craniofacial team. We saw her pediatrician today and while she's slightly behind on some gross motor skills, she's not too concerned yet. She actually doesn't think baby girl has craniosynostosis because of her head shape, but also said she's never seen it in person. Our doctor is actually a DO in a family medical practice, so not solely peds. But she really cares about baby girl and (the rest of our family) and I know she's not missing anything.

There's a party of me that would be okay if she is diagnosed with craniosynostosis because its fixable. Most likely a single surgery and she'd be fine for the rest of her life. I'm more worried about walking away without any answers. Either way she's happy and healthy and meeting milestones.

Hoping she sleeps tonight because lay night I only got about 2 hours of sleep and she had her 4 month vaccines today, and I have to drive tomorrow pretty early to get to her appointment. Send good thoughts our way.

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Apparently I'm tired.

D1 (11 years old now!) has been spending a lot of time with his friend and a few times going to his house to play after Sunday soccer games. He told his mom that he hasn't asked to come to our house because "his mom looks really tired. I think having a baby is hard."

I suppose showering slightly more often and figuring out a very basic makeup routine is in order. I haven't worn makeup in years, but I look like I haven't slept in a year almost all of the time.

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Happy Four Months Baby Girl.

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Are you comfortable with people praying for you and your family?

Yes, thank you! ☺️💜