Thoughts Of M.D.H @moyatron5000 - Tumblr Blog

Expiate

Word of the day. Which is another way of saying: to put on an end.

Oh, and today is Wednesday, January 9, 2019 @ 1335.

It’s 22:41 on the 23rd of August (2018)

This is the last

Last night was the last night we slept next to each other. Tonight you are on the couch. But this is our last night under the same roof. Goodbye snacking. Goodbye cable tv. Goodbye to you and a part of me.

Coco and Margot; Jodi and Hana - I am sorry that we didn’t make it.

22:39 Dec. 14th

You said you won’t cut me some slack. Seems unreasonable? You know I am coming off night shift. You know I am sleep deprived? You say you need things from me, and it sounds more like you are disappointed in me. At first I try and listen. The more you talk, the more intolerant I become. I can only take so much. Especially, being tired and offended. Sad too. I try not to ask for much, and it’s hard because I really should. As you communicate your needs I surpress my own. This makes me angry, because I am become nothing as a result: discounted of importance. I bite back.

23:50 Nov. 20th

There is nothing that I can say, but this silence is madening. I feel like the enemy: your enemy. Your eyes avoid me. My conscious tells me not to approach. Best to avoid your words, because of yesterday. So I should not speak. Back to the bedroom again. All I can do is think, and think, and think. Abusing my lacrimal glands. Increasing my cortisol. 2 + 1 = sleepless nights. I can’t lay beside you. Too hard. All I can do is breath, blink and think. Can’t even eat.

All because I am a pain? Too emotional? Needy? Our needs are not being met, because we differ. Affection might be number 1 on your list? It’s number 3 on mine. That’s not so bad? But maybe it’s bad? Don’t forget about the studio! Maybe it’s bad? Because I don’t know. You said you can’t live your life feeling miserable. Am I really doing this? You must be sad? Frustrated! Might be still mad? At the same time you don’t know. I am sad and suffering alone. Trying to mend my own heart. Do I need to move out?

Tonight: 21 September 2017

Time: 20:49

Place: Wish I was in a nightclub

I wish I was in a nightclub. The kind that would stuff my ears with Ty Segal. And encourage me with ambient lighting that blinks in time with keyboard rhythms. Standing room only. At 115% capacity. I would go almost unnoticed. Or be unknown? Depends! Grey Goose and ice. Big puff of smoke. If I have the moves!

It's been awhile.

Today is 26-Dec-2015 at 1747. I first met Joeleo on Dec 11th. Going on 16 days now. I am hoping the days continue to accumulate.

Memories

It's almost 9pm and it's the 14th of January today. I picked up my daughters baby clothes earlier. Just the sight of a particular sweater evoked so many memories. Memories that I share with my ex. I am feeling a bit mixed. I mourn those younger years. Thinking about the present also makes me sad. The memories that develop from these current times will be different. My ex and I will not share these memories.

Wisdom of the day/self talk

Don't fret over troubles. Take 24hrs and chill the fuck out Moya!

#wordsofwisedom #self talk