Chronicler

In the glow of a neon bar light.

[mr-dun]

There was something indescribably beautiful about watching a storm roll in and knowing I had no control over it.

[mr-dun]

“You rebel against what you need the most.”

[mr-dun]

There’s a peace in the promiscuous.

[mr-dun]

[mr-dun]

Reality is so sobering.

[mr-dun]

I’ve got all of your words still kickin’ around in my head, and it goes on forever.

[mr-dun]

The burning.

This can’t be it. So early in life, already trying to understand to comprehend if the best days are behind me or still yet to come.

No, this isn’t it.

There’s a passion burning, a longing. I want to stand on the beaches again in bliss, only feeling the wind from the ocean. I want to laugh the purest laugh. I will again look from the mountain tops knowing I am part of something bigger. I will lay under the stars with someone whose eyes show a soul that tells a story greater than that of the universe I’m staring into. I’ll feel the warmth of a woman under the crisp sheets of a summer’s night & sip good bourbon with friends as we reminisce of the old days  thankful the new ones are better.

[mr-dun]

“We’re all lonely. All life is, is us trying not to be.”

[mr-dun]

Actions for words

Every night I sit at this computer &  try and write up something.  There’s this immense pain that I struggle to find the wording for. I can never explain it or find the right words.  Maybe if I explain it you’ll understand without words.

I wake up  wishing I was different. I stare in the mirror disgusted at what I see. The walk into work is miserable knowing I am truly alone even when I’m surrounded by people. I see the thoughts people have for me I see your fucking thoughts. I smile through the insincerity. It’s so hard to watch the hot coffee drip into my cup. I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflection - still disgusted. A brief joke with someone makes me laugh but almost momentarily I’m back to this same feeling. I say a few things to mask the profound sadness &  no one knows any better. I spend most of my day(s) alone wondering who to trust & who will hurt me again. I see faces but that’s all. I am so sad. So alone. I am fucking begging for help. It’s like the dream we all have, the one where we scream but nothing comes out. For me though It’s not a fucking dream.

It’s my everyday. 

[mr-dun]

Melancholy & a whiskey glass.

Growing up we’re told - almost taught - that there is an infinite love out there for us. We try to find it, we fail a lot. Short bursts of raw emotion fog the path to love. Behind us on that path are the breadcrumbs of heartbreak that we leave to go back to when we stray from that trail. It’s so unbearably sad though to realize we’re aimlessly wandering through the forest and that there is no path. We love going back and grabbing those breadcrumbs though so that we can have that failed attempt for one more night. Lustfully remembering love through the body is the only way to feel a sense of numbness to the world, because for that night, that intimate moment, lust disguises itself as something more. 

I’ve never understood how simply people can utter the words “I love you” without understanding the meaning behind that. Love is something we’ve turned into a joke. Love isn’t lustfully, drunkenly stumbling into someone else for a brief moment. Love is disgustingly beautiful, showing who we are at our core, but that’s where we fall for the illusions of this world. People love seeing that core and manipulating it as much as they can. 

Why, fucking why.  Someone, save me from my mind. I hate the ever-present melancholia.

[mr-dun]

Time teaches you that no matter how much people say they care about you, they genuinely don’t. Most of us are selfish beings looking for temporary satisfaction, leaving those who are fed up with momentary love lost in the blur.

[mr-dun]

[mr-dun]

lust, love & the absence of thought

Nights of cheap beer, warm bodies & sad souls searching. We live(d) that damaging cycle. A night of love we knew was fake but felt so real. 

Was it better that way? When we knew there was no true emotion & we only wanted one thing: a false intimacy.  Maybe it was or maybe there was something & we thought it was that same illusion?

Lust is easy, love is hard. When you open yourself to someone & they see your inner thoughts, fears, mind. They can tear you down. They do tear you down.

But now it makes sense, why we preferred lust. We didn’t want to realize that maybe lust is all there is & love is the illusion. 

[mr-dun]

Something about sleeping alone in a hotel bed is much lonelier than a normal night of sleep. A late night stare over the city gets your thoughts churning, keeps you in the chamber of your mind, but I’ve gotten used to that solitude. Besides, that’s what hotel bars are for, right?

[mr-dun]

Existence is so painfully numbing. No matter how happy, life just  beats me back down.

Day after day emptiness lingered over my shoulder & forcefully I kept moving. I woke up every morning hoping that one day I would feel something, anything.

Then, there was you. You picked me up & I was no longer numb.

Days had purpose. I felt normal. Normal. Everything I feared dissolved in your presence. It was just you and I & the world felt pure. But how Stupid of me  to think anything is pure. Now I wake up every morning hoping that one day I will feel nothing,

numb.

[mr-dun]

I dream of a day absent of profound sadness.

I thought of you yesterday. I don’t know why.  It’s been a long time since I had a memory of you. Of us.

The passion I once felt in your lips I felt come from my own. And just like your lips were to mine the passion was flawed. You’re now a memory a memory I feel. Just like I will be a memory for her. Maybe one day she will kiss the lips of another and think of the flawed love

we all once had. 

[mr-dun]

Solitude.

I am trapped a prisoner. Solitude can make any sane man mad and create normalcy for a madman.

Loneliness breaks you tears apart the mind a feeling of isolation make the cheerful sad and the sad at peace.  Peace brought by isolation is being scared of death but ready for it.