[mr-gentlman-scientist]

. “ Take it slow,

. take it easy on me ”

Hello! My name is Wilson. I am 17, and I use he/they pronouns and xenos (hoof/honk), and I'm fine with any terms!!

This is my main blog! I'll mostly interact with studyblr and things to do with my interests, as well as rambles, creative writing/art, and whatnot.

Byi

Very mentally ill, Bpd, Bipolar, Audhd, Gad, and paranoia. I also experience delusions, but I am actively in recovery!!

I'm a therian, and a fictionkin! I'm also a yumeshipper! I am non-sharing, for those of you who care

I am agnostic and I enjoy talking about faith/religion when given the chance.

I'm hypersexual, and although I make a lot of sexual jokes, I'm not comfortable discussing sexual topics frequently !!

Dni

Under 14, over 21.

Basic dni; racists, ableists, homophobes, transphobes, bigots, right wing/maga, darkshippers, etc.

Pro-harm, pro-c paras, pro-life, etc etc.

Radqueer, rcta, anything that supports "transitioning" into other races, mental illnesses, physical disabilities, ages, etc.

Anti-furry, anti-alterhuman.

Tags

#Say, pal! ⊰⁠⊹ฺ -> general

#It's so dark ⊰⁠⊹ฺ -> vents

#My talking radio ⊰⁠⊹ฺ -> lyrics

#Leather bound booklet ⊰⁠⊹ฺ -> writing/art

#Loverboy thoughts ⊰⁠⊹ฺ -> gushing...

#Anon tag ꒱ -> anons

People tags!

#Blood brother ꒱

-> One I swear to protect. Best sibling ever.

. “ And shed some light,

. shed some light on me, please. ”

[mr-gentlman-scientist]

When it's 00.30 at night and I'm in the middle of a playground swinging in pitch blackness, staring at the sky with an overwhelming sense of hopefulness at the vastness; and then I see 2 shooting stars. On the walk home, I see another; skimming the atmosphere so close it left a trail that lingered after it had disappeared into the darkness.

Peace. An acceptance in infinity. A trust in fate. Things have never felt so right, so in place.

[junkokiu]

In all timelines, in all possibilities, only you can show me this-

☄️

[mr-gentlman-scientist]

Well that was certainly short lived

[mr-gentlman-scientist]

pew

Pew pew... Pew

[mr-gentlman-scientist]

:(

I'm sorry for everythjng

[mr-gentlman-scientist]

Long string of thoughts ,,, I tend to think 🫪

I wonder what you think of me. If you even think of me at all. If you know how much I think of you.

I used to check your account all the time,,, I haven't done that since the last time I sent you asks, trying to, pathetically, assure you I wasn't an evil bastard. Whether that's what you believe or not anymore I'll never know, because if I make a whole new account to check yours, I know I'll send asks. And I'm not doing that to you again, so I keep my distance, painfully. Time and time again I wonder if you're okay, time and time again I see you in characters, in colours, in animals. I hear us in songs. There'd be two people running around my head in the twins of the carousel; they'd be Betty and you.

Do you even check my account anymore? Will you see this? Did you know you'd have another father now? A serious one this time... It was our one month yesterday. Would you have celebrated that with me?

I wish I'd gotten better earlier. I wish I'd said it and it actually have been true. I wish I got over them sooner. I wish I'd kept them out and proved to you you meant something.

I babysit littles, on the occasion. I do it because I enjoy it; and I do it because I miss you. I always will. Something in me heals a little each time they call me dad, no matter if it hurts

I'm just. Talking. At this point. I don't know what I'm sayinf anymore #boyblogging I guess it's just a half decent way to vent out my woes. It's too hard to actually talk to people about it, yknow? They'll ask and I'll always say I'm chilling,, it's so much easier to express and feel my emotions alone. That's probably why I cried so hard over this yesterday when I was by myself

Everythngs just been so gloomy recently, joy has been fading quicker and quicker when I experience it. I'm always tired, I always want to sleep. I don't know if I'm getting depressive again or not but I just wish all this bullshit would go away. I'd kill to be normal, think normally, feel normal

Being a father makes me feel normal. Such a mundane role. I didn't realise that until we parted

[mr-gentlman-scientist]

I always feel so guilty when I get really into the interests of people from my past. I don't want to hyperfixate on it, it was her thing

[mr-gentlman-scientist]

sometimes there's nothing that can be said to get yourself understood

Wise words.... Thank you for this wisdom

[mr-gentlman-scientist]

haters just love swarming us randomly huh

Apparently 🥹🥹 a whole lot of yapping for a whole lot of nothin

[mr-gentlman-scientist]

its a little odd considering said Person theyd ‘get into contact with’ was just an abuser keeping them unwell LOL, shaming a victim & affirming that fear that no place is safe except their abuser is mehhh! ps they are better & did it on their own, its obvious why they think you never gave a fuck

Again. Long response. And unless you say something actually worth responding to and clearing up, I'm going to ignore your asks

I still wanna know what your goal is, btw. Do you genuinely want to understand or are you just trying to be annoying? This is a genuine question

Also for the record I tried my hardest to keep them out of contact with said abuser. I absolutely hated the guy and tried to help them through it, when they got into contact with him again it broke me a little because everything we'd worked towards had been crushed by him again. Then, they seemed so, so sure everything was fine, that it was what they wanted, that everything bad they'd said about him was because they get "crazy". I didn't believe it for a while, but I am unfortunately quite easy to manipulate and lie to. So I genuinely believed he was good to them and that they wanted that life, because the point they made was that when they weren't with him they were extremely depressed and when they were with him they were jolly. It hurt me because I was very in love with them still at this point, so I told them everything and then cut them off to let them live their life with him, a life that I assumed was the one they wanted.

You clearly don't like me and don't believe a word I'm saying but atp I don't fucking care, I loved them so much it literally made me deteriorate. At no point did I victim shame or whatever, I GENUINELY believed they were happy because I'm NAÏVE and STUPID

I tried my hardest to be their person and I'm done with this conversation. I fell for Richies shit this year, I fell for Eric's shit back in 2024. I loved them and if you and they don't believe that after everytjjng, NOTHING will show you I'm genuine. There was a time when they told me that I was "one of the only genuine people in this world", that one text made me feel like I'd finally gotten it through to them that I genuinely cared. If they don't believe that anymore,, I don't know what my point is here, I'm losing track. I'm glad they got better, that they finally managed, and that they're doing well. That's all I've ever wanted for them

[mr-gentlman-scientist]

sorry i was high when i sent that i guess i mean whats the difference in your love for that pink person & ur bf - last anon

It's fine

I think the main difference is that I'm healthier now. Not completely, not even close, but healthier than I was. Meaning I'm not cutting his name into my thigh to try and keep his attention on me, I'm not cutting off my friends + isolating for him, etc etc. However, that means I'm not nearly as dependent now, thus making it feel like I don't love as hard as when I needed my ex like I needed air

I guess it's lots healthier but when I'm down/struggling, that lack of intensity = lack of love

[mr-gentlman-scientist]

hrmm well wats the difference between them & ur boyfie ? - diff anyon

Unfortunately, I'm not sure what you mean.... Could you specify, maybe?

[mr-gentlman-scientist]

No, I say it because I know what they've done to you and people you claimed to care about. Long yap sesh indeed, a lot of words just to say "I'm being manipulated constantly by them and I am also an enabler myself!"

Kinda long response

Well, if that's the reason you said I can't stay away from them, I don't know why you said it. We're not in contact, we haven't been for a while.

I guess it kind of was manipulation, on some level, considering whenever we got back in contact they'd always tell me that they want to get better. Then every time we cut contact/they got with someone else, they got worse and seemed so certain about wanting to be like that. Now, I know they really do. That's why I was the one to cut contact this time.

I wouldn't say I'm an enabler. I used to be, definitely; when I was mentally crazy. Nowadays I actually try my hardest to stop those habits in people unless they desperately need it, then I'll try to help them find ways to be safer about it. Everything I said in the last post were thoughts from the pits of my mind, the want to get worse is an intrusive desire that I constantly feel miserable about and try to ignore. The same goes for most of the things I said my mind yearns for.

I don't know who you are, why you care or what your goal is. If you're going to keep poking at this with no real reason, get out of my inbox.

[mr-gentlman-scientist]

you just can't stay away from them, it shows you haven't changed

Longggg yap session ahead, read if you want

It's not that I haven't changed, actually. I have changed, in many ways; and in many ways I am still the same. Neither of those have anything to do with the fact that some part of me still yearns for them. The fact that part of me always will.

They, and all of their friends, seem to always fail to grasp just how much they effected me. I had poured my entire heart out to them, and their response was that they "never thought I cared that much about them", and I do believe they still feel that way. So, I will reiterate for you: they COMPLETELY changed my life, and me as a person. They are my "that one person".

Pathetically, everything makes me think of them. Yes, still. Foxes, bunnies, the colour pink, sweet treats, Petrigrof, clowns, every sad tiktok about how "that person made you feel", every lonely hour. I think of them. I'm slowly thinking of them less, but I know they'll never fully leave my mind. They were the first person who I ever truly loved. I felt so incredible that first time we were in contact, Spring of 2024. Yes, I know it was also partly because I was spiralling; but that makes it worse. I don't think "I should be glad I'll never feel like that again! It shows I've gotten better!" No, unfortunately, my mind yearns to feel like that again. Yearns to get worse when all I really want to do is get better. I want to feel that high, I want to feel that depended on, I want to feel that dependant. I want to feel that loved, I want to love that hard again. I was convinced they were my person, and knowing that they're not still hurts.

I assume you're saying this because I see their stories. We still follow eachother on Instagram, and I flick through my friends stories to get rid of all the annoying pinkish circles at the top of my screen; it's like a red notification bubble in a game, it annoys me. I liked one of their stories, I think? When they said they were officially over Richie. Because I was happy for them, and glad they'd gotten over him, for what I hope is the last time. That's the only thing I've done to warrant you saying that I can't stay away from them.

I don't even know who I'm saying all this to, to be honest,, I'm not sure if you even care to actually hear my response. I don't know what you've heard about me, either. You can chose to believe whatever it is that you want to believe. All I can do is say that I loved them in a way I've never loved anyone before, and yes, I still miss them. I'm trying to get over it, I'm trying to figure it all out. Do whatever you want with this information

[mr-gentlman-scientist]

nono last anon has a point thinking emoji

#watdatmean 🥹🥹

[mr-gentlman-scientist]

all i gotta say is, really?

I'm scared who is this what do you mean 🥹