Et tu, Mr. Destructo?

Tot Cut Mere Turds

[mrdestructo]

The intensifyingly crushing realization that it’s not an ad campaign but rather My Choices that have led the algorithms to start trying to serve me this Shrek-ass music.

[mrdestructo]

the next james bond should be hermione grangetr send tweet 12k rt 110k fav world is not a fuck born to die another 410,757,864,530 cops

[mrdestructo]

Between the pastel and lapel aesthetics and the presence of both Stepen Baldwin and This Facial Hair on Stephen Baldwin, the ultimate aesthetic of The Usual Suspects is something like a USA Network-to-Showtime original series called Night Heist. 

[mrdestructo]

"For some reason, we were shipped a heavy box of performance drinks." "Interesting. What do they perform?" "Apparently they kill The Quit."

[mrdestructo]

what’d make kamala harris kinda alright would be slowly realizing she has bone-deep fan-culture tics

like it turns out she has a profile on the cbs.com survivor fan message board with 172,000 posts and someone leaks to the press that she slipped up during an intelligence briefing and said, “mr. president, i don’t think anypony is saying armed intervention is option two,” and like twice in about ten months—like short of getting to a second halloween, if we’re being real here—she shows up to a white house costume party as ki-adi-mundi 

it’s fine if you don’t know, it’s the jedi from the star wars prequels who looked like colonel sanders guesting in a coneheads sketch

fiiiiiine, it’s this guy, fuck offffff

[mrdestructo]

[mrdestructo]

There is apparently a fertile and amazing world of Starship Troopers band art.

[mrdestructo]

Hotties of Lapland

[mrdestructo]

listening to the 53rd minute of a toddler being put to bed

[mrdestructo]

Ripped from the headlines

EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT DISTRICT ATTORNEY JACK McCOY: (full duck mode) You thought you could make a deal with the devil! But you forgot who your partner was!

(foreboding Law & Order synth tones)

DEFENDANT WHO’S OBVIOUSLY MEANT TO BE MANUEL NORIEGA: (tear rolls down cheek) Rey-Rey said nobody was supposed to get hurt.

[mrdestructo]

when you’re a justly incarnated indigestion but not, like, oh my goodness is your supper repeating on you—although it is that, of course—but also a fundamental expression of an unexpurgated poison about to dissolve the soul into a cluster of sweating lesions until, at the last minute, 210 pounds of pure polska kielbasa coiled within the torso and limbs erupts from the mouth with a pure hnnyyeeuuuuuggghhh-like horking noise that blends seamlessly with the surging chorus of sheena easton’s “9 to 5″ that plays on a continuous loop until the 350 feet of sausaged sin-bolus have left the body

[mrdestructo]

I put a video of a bad CGI shark attack on Youtube like 11 years ago, and I still get replies to it every few months where someone clarifies something about it to me. Today, someone told me what kind of shark it was.

[mrdestructo]

love when 6 apps my family insists i have on my phone for some reason suddenly scream like a baby computer getting assassinated and are all

THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE HAS ISSUED TORNADO WATCH 33 IN EFFECT UNTIL 3 AM EST FRIDAY FOR THE FOLLOWING AREAS IN FLORIDA THIS WATCH INCLUDES 13 COUNTIES IN CENTRAL FLORIDA HARDEE POLK SUMTER IN SOUTH CENTRAL FLORIDA DESOTO HIGHLANDS IN SOUTHWEST FLORIDA CHARLOTTE LEE IN WEST CENTRAL FLORIDA HERNANDO HILLSBOROUGH MANATEE PASCO PINELLAS SARASOTA THIS INCLUDES THE CITIES OF ARCADIA, AVON PARK, BAYSHORE GARDENS, BONITA SPRINGS, BOWLING GREEN, BRADENTON, BRANDON, BROOKSVILLE, BUSHNELL, CAPE CORAL, CLEARWATER, DADE CITY, ENGLEWOOD, FORT MYERS, HOLIDAY, HUDSON, JASMINE ESTATES, LAKE PANASOFFKEE, LAKELAND, LAND O LAKES, LARGO, LEHIGH ACRES, NEW PORT RICHEY, NORTH FORT MYERS, NORTH PORT, PALMETTO, PLACID LAKES, PORT CHARLOTTE, PUNTA GORDA, SARASOTA, SEBRING, SOUTH VENICE, SPRING HILL, ST. PETERSBURG, TAMPA, THE VILLAGES, VENICE, WAUCHULA, WILDWOOD, WINTER HAVEN, ZEPHYRHILLS, AND ZOLFO SPRINGS.

[mrdestructo]

In some cultures, the First Nut may take years to complete.

[mrdestructo]

working on a law & order script again

Teaser Guy 1: (antically bopping around in a sports-like manner with non-sports equipment part of blue-collar job) So I figure, I tell Maureen I got the cabin for our anniversary, but then I’m back up there the next weekend fishing with the boys, right?

Teaser Guy 2: (opening car trunk and getting the “that’s a dead body” look) 

Teaser Guy 1: Hey! What is it?

(cut to)

Beat Cop: (briefing BRISCOE as he appears on scene) Car floater.

[mrdestructo]

Attention, Hudsucker employees: We regretfully announce that at seconds after the hour of noon...Hudsucker time...Waring Hudsucker, Founder, President...and Chairman of the Board of Hudsucker Industries...merged with the infinite. To mark this occasion of corporate loss...we ask that all employees observe a moment of silent contemplation. Thank you for your kind attention. This moment has been duly noted on your timecards...and will be deducted from your pay. That is all.

[mrdestructo]

“Don’t get me wrong. I respect your Pod Patrol. But, personally, I don’t think he holds a candle to that Rusty Ravitch.”

— me trying to get a preschool class to set fire to the building