In 2009 i fell in love with my best friend. She said we could never happen and since than i've dealt with a lot of turmoil in my family and social life. I am a drug addict, more of a binge drug addict with the harder shit, but i smoke weed all day, every day. I don't smoke it because i like it, in fact, i kinda hate it, but , i just need to numb my personal pain a little. Pills, sex and blow play a little part but i'm not going to get in to that. It has gotten to the point where i don't even chill with my friends anymore with fear she may be there too. I don't hate her or anything, i love her more than words can express, it's just hard to look in here eyes without kissing her passionately. When i hear her voice it just makes me feel as if i have no worries in this world and at the the same time it makes me feel like a loser piece of shit. My friend Joey told me to just get over it, it isn't worth it, but i just can't get over her. I have tried so hard to forget about it but the longer time goes on i just feel it more and more , I see her smile when i close my eyes and i hear her laugh when i see something funny. It is driving me fucking nuts, i actually have to go to the doctor to get happy pills now so i don't blow my fucking head off. You may think i am a pussy about it but there are other factors to my depression (crackhead father, illegitimate siblings popping up, miscarriages, molestation) but i can seem to put those in storage at the back of my mind, but, she refuses to go in storage, she insists on being in my mind and heart 24/7. She is very happy now, she has had herself a boyfriend for around a year now, i don't fuck with that or anything, as long as he makes her happy, i'm cool. I just wish i could have been the one who could make her happy, but look at me, i can't even make myself happy, i have pills for that. It's clear to me she loved me to at some degree, but just couldnt go through with a relationship either because i'm a fat, ugly piece of shit with a lot of baggage or because she really didnt want one. I hope it is the second one because i think she is a better person that the first thing. Maybe i am just a bad guy, sure, i have done some shady things in my life, but, i doubt it's enough to make me completely horrible. Or maybe all women are shallow and look at what's on the outside rather than getting to know what's on the inside. I swear there were points, even before i knew of my feelings, that her and i looked in to each others eyes and i felt that she loved me, a friend of hers once told me she did at a point have feelings for me, and she even hinted at it that night she rejected me in December of 2009. All i know is i love her and would die for her at any time. She has been the inspiration for most of my art. She is the ink to my pen. I love her and always will.
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