Constanly Confused

It’s like there will always be this part of me that people don’t know , I’m living as a double agent . And it’s killing me sweetly . My friends and family think my bad ways have come to an end . My heart and mind know I’m falling down a hole behind the scenes. 🤭👌🏽🧠🕵🏼🤦🏽‍♀️💨🚬💎🕳🩸

[x-animamin-deactivated20180702]

“Show me your worst, and I will show you how I love you even more.”

[mrsdoubleagentstarr]

I hate that I ever loved you, or the idea of you. I see you messages pop up out of the blue, like every few months your regrets get the best of you. Your words mess with my head, your memory reminds me id rather be lonley instead. Will I truly ever erase you from my mind? Will you ever let me remember you as who I loved and not the one who ruined my veiw on love and left me behind?

[mrsdoubleagentstarr]

I don’t want to get used to the pain or loneliness .

I want that stupid happy ever after they promised me when I was a kid ….

Not happy ever “after I rip this bitches heart out” will she know the truth ….

1. People suck

. . .

2. love isnt what it used to be like before my generation ruined it

. . .

3. Hurt people hurt people and that’s why people give up on fairy tale endings and happy ever after

[mrsdoubleagentstarr]

Update .. I got used to the pain and thrive in Loneliness 😪

[mrsdoubleagentstarr]

me&my beautiful fur babies get a home again, organized by Jordyn Ekberg

For the ones who do know me and know what I’ve been going through , I’m ble… Jordyn Ekberg needs your support for me&my beautiful fur babie

I’ve never even put myself out here on Tumblr like that I’ve always been anonymous but there’s always a day for some thing and there’s always a time for everything and I feel like if I stop here and I’m not actually trying .

So here is me and here is my life and here is my puppies . Our little family . Just tryna survive and wear smiles so that we believe we’re strong and happy and that’s what everybody else thinks too …

[mrsdoubleagentstarr]

I miss you..

I miss you in a way that someone would smell a certain essence and be brought back to better times and memories, like when you see a familiar face in a crowd of strangers but when you get close enough you’re sad cause it’s not them or like when you’re just passing by people on your way to wherever your trying to get to but you hear a familiar voice and it makes you stop dead in your tracks just to find where the voice came from .

I miss you .

I miss you in a way that makes it hard to forget you because I’ll get these deja vu moments where the smallest things will happen , simple things , and they trigger my brain and I remember every adventure and feeling and conversation… (gotta love ptsd) … sometimes I forget that I even have those memories in this crazy mess of a brain but I never remember a sad and dull or bad memory when our times spent comes to mind . Other than the fact that it came to an end .

And that’s what makes me miss you, the fact that all those happy moments in time came to an end .

[mrsdoubleagentstarr]

Let them

“Let them…”

Let them leave

Let them believe what they want

Let them hate you

Let them judge you

Let them be hateful

Let them be full of insecurities

Let them think you’re nothing

Let them make mistakes

Let them decide if you’re enough

Let them lose you if you’re not enough

Let them not see the best in you

Let them fail you when you need them

Let them show there true colors

Let them …

And then ;

Let them go …. Let them go from your life . Let them go from your heart . Let them live a life with out you in it . Let them have a missing piece in there heart that only you can fill . Let them feel the pain in you absence . Let them believe life with out you is enough for them . Let them think that they’re hurtful words and actions are for reason .

Let them do what there heart desires and you let yourself do what’s best for your heart and mind .

When you learn not to acknowledge things others say , do , think , or feel about you and you don’t let it consume you and your life ; then you can really start your journey to self love and acceptance and start surrounding yourself with true people with love and support.

So if they don’t wanna be a part of that journey and they turn there heads from seeing you in need .

LET THEM

You never needed them anyways . 💛

~JSE

[ruebennettmykin]

I hate you you made my PTSD Worse

Broken yet I wish I never met you

Scars that I wish would disappear

Yet my demons come alive

They know what you did

They try to remind of the hurt you caused

Fuck you am done goodbye Effy am done

All ur lies can go to hell I could care Less now

Cuz I have a new best friends

[mrsdoubleagentstarr]

I really hate that my dogs are still the only reason why I’m here …

They shouldn’t have to live up to that responsibility…

[mrsdoubleagentstarr]

Said my heart was gone

Swear you lying tho

[mrsdoubleagentstarr]

It’s my birthday and I wanna die not live life

[mrsdoubleagentstarr]

Why the fuck did I let you back in .

Now you’re not even mine anymore ….

Yet still think you get to look at me like candy…

I have to hold back my emotions because you’re just my ex the one I couldn’t let go .

My first love to ever puncture my soul and make me hate you for it …

Because you don’t care … you don’t give a shit .

Why the fuck did I let you back in …

I still love you and all you’re doing is keeping me from moving on ….

You say you need me but then shut me out unless you’re hands are on my skin or your mind makes you feel lost ….

I’m not your emotional life saver …

I’m a human being …

One that you forgot to cherish ….

What do I have to do to make you love me

[nightmareofmylife]

Maybe

I keep dreaming of a countryside

Surrounded by lavender field,

Wandering around like a lost soul

Of the sidewalk of lining houses

Admiring the effervescent elders,

With their wrinkled skin, frail knees, shaky hands as they crackle heartily while sipping tea in hushed voices.

I kept walking through the lush green landscape,

Found the children playing at the bay of Lake,

Shouting, running, bickering with those young blood rushing into their veins,

Oblivion to the hurdles of the future.

I reached at the field of lavender at the end.

Watched as the sky became ablaze with color of blossoming cherries.

And in that serenity, with sun dipping low, with breeze tickling the lavandula making it sway, and the Bulbuls singing their hearts out, I let the tears flow freely down my cheeks.

I thought maybe, just maybe, I could find my smile in those elders, and my eagerness in those youths. Or maybe In this lavender field I could my peace.

However, I awoke, and in the end, it was all a dream.

The cage in which they have kept me does not bothers me anymore,

For I am a prisoner, who'd forgotten how to fly.

Or maybe I'm afraid of happiness that would come from freedom, and I will end up falling just like Icarus.

[mrsdoubleagentstarr]

A letter from my 16 year old self

How do you live in a world where you’re born to die? How do you trust and love when happy ever after is a lie? Why do the drugs make everything numb and make you feel so good when you give to many fucks. Am I the only one who is literally alone in the world surviving?  All because blood ain’t shit and loyalty is only given if it’s worthwhile to them….

-jse

[mrsdoubleagentstarr]

Lost again

I literally lost every single thing that created what I called home ..

And even after the hell I walked through and the relief I felt when I came out the other side..

I smile I say I’m fine I’m not hurting anymore but I feel so numb ..

I will continue to fight to find my place in this world again ..

But if I don’t make it god if I don’t make it please know I tried ..

I am gaslighting myself I’m self aware of this toxicity but it’s the only way I know how to stay alive .. survive ..

-jse

I know that even if I say I’m fine .. I’m lying because it’s been three months since I’ve posted here and last time I was here I barley survived my relapse. Thank you for the flood of followers I received over these months I’m 60 days sober and even tho I’m here and struggling… I know and I hope those who see this know .. that none of us are alone. Your floods of support blew my mind away thank you all my anons

[surqrised]

“Just because you’re angry doesn’t mean you have the right to be cruel.”

— Unknown

[mrsdoubleagentstarr]

I’m 48 hours sober … now .

I never thought I would be here again ..

I hope someone can still love me .

You said no one ever would .

[elliehawking]