There was no use in working after that point. Holden had planned on heading back to the attendings lounge to finish his post-ops for the day, but his little meltdown left the doctor exhausted, and with no patience for paperwork. Holden barely maintained enough energy to stand, let alone work.
He sat in the patient exam room for what felt like hours, but the sun pouring in through the window never budged, lending the man to believe that any concept of time had abandoned him, too. He stood eventually, body aching at every joint, and forced himself towards the door, step by step. Holden worked patiently through his breathing, diligently reminding himself to breathe in, then out, and in again. It was all he could do stay upright. To keep moving forward.
Carys was the last link Holden had to a world in which he was a decent man. That was it. He needed Carys to tie him down to this world, to encourage the humanity that blossomed within Holden whenever they were together. Without her, what did he have left?
Nothing. No one. Not anymore. He’d pushed them all away.
All the doctor could do now was go home and face the lonely.
Holden gathered his belongings from his office and b-lined towards the parking garage, not bothering to change out of his navy blue scrubs or his clunky OR sneakers. He felt like shit – might as well look like it too.
He fished his car keys out of his jacket pocket, fumbling with the flimsy windbreaker along with his backpack, a travel mug, and an unfinished patient file he picked up on his way out the door. The man muttered profanities to himself, sinking further into the role of old curmudgeon with every passing second. Eventually he found what he was looking for, but the bitterness remained on his face, only increasing when he looked up to realize his (shiny, black, basically brand new) Jeep was nowhere in sight.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Holden groaned out, lifting the car keys up so he could press the lock button. He wandered around the parking garage, pressing the button over and over and over again. Why don’t you ever park in the staff lot, you fucking idiot? Get something right, he thought. Holden clicked and clicked and clicked the stupid little button, feeling more emasculated with every press.
Finally a beep sounded in the distance. His head shot up at the sound and Holden pressed the button again, hurrying towards the noise that followed. One more press and Holden saw his headlights shine through a row of cars. Relief washed over him – replaced only a millisecond later by utter terror.
Three cars down was an old, red clunker of a car, with a familiar brunette standing beside it. Fuck. It was Carys. Of course. Holden glanced up towards the sky. Fuck you, God. Fuck you big time. Rub my goddamn nose right in it. Holden hovered where he stood, keys dangling from one hand with all his belongings precariously balanced in the other. If he wanted to get home – to escape the hell that was today – he’d have to walk right by her.
Holden swallowed, wondering if he could wait her out. Maybe she’d leave, and he could get home without another traumatizing run in with Carys. Ten seconds passed, then twenty, and the woman didn’t budge. Then she made a call, her voice booming through the concrete garage. Was she calling roadside assistance?
The doctor huffed and hung his head, sliding his pride in his back pocket before slowly making his way towards her. Eventually, they caught eyes. He offered her a nervous, concerned smile. What he wanted to do was stroll over and ruffle her hair – make some stupid comment about them both having a shitty day. It’s what he would’ve done if everything was okay. If they were them. If things were normal.
If he hadn’t pushed her away. Again.
Instead, Holden said nothing, his pained smile faltering under her intense stare.
As she listened to the automated menu options that played, she felt a presence appear before her. Her eyes ventured up from the ground to see who the shadow belonged to, a familiar face that she wasn't at all expecting. When he didn't say anything, she pulled the phone from her ear and pressed the number associated with the menu option she needed. It was going to be a long process getting her junker car out of this garage, but it was something that needed to be done. Why did he always have to find her during the most inconvenient times? It was as if he had a radar only for her and stressful situations. After pressing the number, she put the phone back to her ear.
The last time her car broke down, her and Holden had been on better terms. She had been stuck on the side of a back road during a thunderstorm and he was the one she called to come get her. Of course, as always, he showed up almost immediately and rescued her from the pouring rain. No matter where she was or what he was doing, he was always ready to drop everything in order to help her. It was the same when it came to him and stressful situations. But now she couldn't turn to him, not after their blow up in the exam room only mere minutes before. Why was he just standing there staring at her not saying a word? Did he expect her to speak up?
"Hi I'm currently in the A5 parking garage at Saint Michael's Hospital and my car won't start. Pretty sure the transmission has finally gone up." Carys explained the situation to the man on the other side of the phone, listening as he typed away on the computer he was sitting in front of. He asked her the usual questions such as the year, make and model of her car as well as the exact location of it for the tow truck driver. She explained the issues she had been having before today and how it all seemed to contribute, running her fingers through her hair as she sighed.
The man, as kind as he was, only delivered bad news when he told her that it would be at least two hours before a tow truck could get to her vehicle. Was she supposed to just sit in the cold, damp parking garage for two whole hours on her own? "That's fine. If I'm not here, I'll leave the keys on the driver's seat." She said to the operator, hanging up after confirming the address to the garage one more time. Slipping her phone into her pocket, she turned her attention back to Holden and sighed once more. He hadn't moved an inch since he spotted her, making her question his thoughts.
"You know, taking a picture would certainly last longer." She said as she turned back to the driver's side of her car, looking through her purse for a piece of gum or anything else she could use to ease her anxiety.