lightly, my darling.

[mscarysberen]

It was days like today that made Carys believe they were the inspiration for the invention of coffee. The rain was pouring and patrons were quickly zooming in and out of the glass doors that led into the establishment. This shop was her favorite place to answer emails and dive into the latest articles in the field of psychiatry. In this sort of medicine, one was always learning and studies were always evolving. Standing at the pick up counter and waiting for her typical vanilla latte, her fingers brushed through the pieces of bangs that were hanging right above her eyes. She made a silent reminder to call the salon and make an appointment for a trim at some point soon. Once her name was called, she picked up the steaming hot cup and made her way to the counter of condiments.

After adding just the right amount of everything, her attention was quickly turned to the person at her right. Leave it to her to not look where she was going and bump into a complete stranger. Thankfully, it wasn't hard enough to knock the drink out of their hands. "I think this is the first time I've made unwanted contact with someone and not knocked whatever they are holding out of their grasp." She said with a chuckle, shaking her head and removing her hand from the stranger's arm. "I'm chalking up the imbalance to this awful weather. Rain always throws me off my game." @eureka-starters

[hailesteinfeld]

[dakotajohnsxn]

Maggie Sherwood (The High Note, 2020) + outfits

[demoncity]

I felt so much when I was fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, I felt everything. I didn’t understand myself, I was so happy yet so angry and sad. That was the point when I realized that I needed to tell stories and make characters come alive and I needed to make people cry, and make people angry, and make people happy, and make them laugh.

[ava-deb]

Dakota Johnson as Maggie Sherwoode THE HIGH NOTE (2020) dir. Nisha Ganatra

[mscarysberen]

dr-holdenfox·:

It was instantaneous – the moment Carys eased into his arms, her warm hand flat against his chest, Holden relaxed. This was right. This was exactly where Carys was supposed to be. Where he was supposed to be. His heart jumped against his rib cage, fighting against his bones to try and get closer to the hand above. Carys had an effect on Holden unlike any other woman. He had always been attractive. Holden had yet to go through a gangly, awkward phase in his thirty-three years of life. People had always noticed him – especially women. The man could have anyone he wanted, if he wanted them. But truthfully, he didn’t want anyone. Holden had never been interested in anyone but Carys.  It was a terrible, guilt-inducing thing to admit, but Holden never felt for his wife what he felt for the woman in his arms. One touch from Carys was worth a thousand from anyone else. What ran between them was pure, unbridled chemistry. 

Love. 

Holden would wait forever for that.  “Carys,” he breathed, a nervous smile spreading across his face. “You have all the time in the world. Whatever you need – whatever you want – you have it. I need you to understand that I’m – I’m here for us, of course I am, but right now I’m here for you.  I broke your trust, but day by day I’m gonna put it back together. You have my word. As long as it takes ‘n longer. I’m here for good.” 

“C’mon – let me start now. Let me drive you home. Let me – let me at least make tonight one degree easier for you. Please? Can’t we just – can’t we just try that?” 

If there was one thing Carys hated more than anything on this planet, it was relying on other people. She hated when she had to lean on others, feeling as if she owed them for their kindness no matter how big or small their gesture of it was. Holden had been doing things for her since she was a little girl, her tab with him already stretching miles beyond miles. Now here he stood professing his patience and unwavering love for her, wanting to drive her home and ensure that she got there safely. Men like him just weren't real, her grandmother always swearing to her that 'God threw away the mold after he made Holden Fox'. Now she was starting to believe her.

Looking up into his piercing eyes, the brunette took a moment to answer him. He was so sincere in his desire to help her, knowing it was part of his ridiculous need to always make sure she was safe no matter where she was or what she was doing. It drove her crazy after he married Kate, his actions only adding to the depth of her feelings for him. Feelings she couldn't act on. Her teeth sank into her bottom lip as she thought about him taking her home, knowing it was her best option. Unless she wanted to rely on a strange tow truck driver two hours from then. It had been so long since he had set foot in her little apartment downtown, wondering if he even remembered where it was after all this time.

"Okay...you can take me home." Her voice was small and soft as she nodded, reaffirming the words that passed her lips. What harm could it do to have him give her a ride home? All they could do in a car was talk or listen to music, nothing that would cause her more harm than he'd already done in the past. "Let me grab my bag and put the keys on the seat. I'll be over in just a second." She lingered in his grasp for just a moment, her eyes locked on his before she finally pulled away. Her body faced away from him as she grabbed some belongings from her car, stuffing them in her purse before she left the keys on the floor of the driver's side for the tow truck driver. Taking a moment to gather herself and calm her nerves, she finally closed the door and moved the few feet down to where Holden was parked.

His Jeep was familiar to her, having been a passenger in it many times. In fact, she had even drove it a few times on nights when he was too intoxicated to drive himself home from Jesse's or whatever bar they had been hanging out at. The drinking only intensified after Kate died. Opening the passenger door, she set her purse on the floor before she made her way into the seat. It still smelled of him mixed with his favorite car freshener hanging from the rearview mirror. Buckling her seatbelt, she turned her head to look at him as she exhaled softly. She could only hope that she wouldn't be making a mistake by letting him drive her, things between them still being fairly uncertain. Despite her fears of the unknown, her anxiety was still lowering just by being near him. He had such a strange effect on her.

"I'm ready when you are." Her voice was soft as she offered him a slight smile, leaning back against the seat and facing forward.

[mscarysberen]

dr-holdenfox·:

There was no need for Holden to answer her aloud. Of course he remembered the night he spent with her in this very same hospital, curled around her tired, worn body like his warmth might just heal her broken spirit. It was by far the most painful, gut-wrenching night of his life. Whatever pain he felt now, Holden accepted it. At the very least it would never be that again. 

“I can’t make you believe me,” Holden said, the honesty in his words surprising even him. “There’s nothin’ I can say to you right here, right now, that would mend your trust. I know that. I’m not even gonna try,” Holden explained. “But I will say this again, and I want you to know I mean it just as much as when I said it the first time –”  “I don’t care what anyone says, I don’t care what anyone thinks. I am going to be here for you – however you need me – until you ask me to leave. I’m going to be here, alright?” Holden kept pressing, his words firm and sure. Carys’ eyes flooded over with tears, striking his heart like a hot iron. None of this would be easy. Holden knew he’d committed a heinous act in disappearing after their last night together. He’d broken Carys’ trust, perhaps forever. Holden also knew it would never happen again. The man who had left her that night was still inside him, but Holden – the real, good, honest man that was lost deep down in his heart – was fighting back. Holden was winning his own war, one day at a time. But how could he convince Carys of that?

His hands – suddenly less skilled and more fumbling, clumsy – released Carys,  only to move up towards her face. Right alongside her own attempts, Holden brushed at her tears, trying to stop one after another from hitting her cheeks.

 “Look at me,” Holden said. Begged. 

“Just look at me, Carys, and you’ll know. I’m so tired of fighting against this. I can’t right most of my mistakes. I can’t go back and fix what I’ve done. I’ll never be able to apologize to Kate, or to thank Shepherd, or to go back ‘n save the family we almost had. I can’t do that. But I can do this. I can – I can stop resisting. I can put down my fists and just … love you,” he said, mouth pulling into a deranged sort of smile. It seemed so foreign – the concept that their love could be an easy thing – but Holden wanted it so badly. He would work his hands to the bone if it meant Carys might look at him one day and actually believe – without a glimmer of doubt in her eyes – that he loved her more than any person on this earth. “It’s all I have left to give, Carys. All I’ve got left is yours.”  “I love you more than I know what to do with,” Holden whispered. He pushed a thick curtain of brown hair away from Carys’ face, tucking it carefully behind her ear. “You don’t have to believe me at all. You probably shouldn’t,” he breathed, his dark eyes locked intently on hers. “But I am going to be here loving you for the rest of my life. As scared as that makes me,” he admitted, a nervous laugh passing through his lips. “I will. There’s no changing that. There’s no … running away from that.” 

“You don’t have to forgive me,” he muttered, closing that small distance between them once again. “You don’t even have to say anything right now. I just – I need you to know that I’m around. I’m always going to be around. And maybe one day you’ll believe me,” Holden said, his last thread of hope tangled around his words. 

Holden placed a hand on the side of Carys’ face, brushing his thumb over the soft, damp skin of cheek. It was a selfish, ridiculous thought, but Holden hoped right then that he would never have to see her cry again. “And I will pray to God every single day for the strength to be good enough. That one day, I’ll love you so well that you forget ever doubting me at all. I – I will do whatever it takes, Carys. Whatever I need to do.” His eyes searched hers, desperate to find solace in her familiarity. “I can be the man that you deserve.” 

Holden was the man that she had loved since she was a young teenager. For as long as she could remember, she would spy on her older brother and his best friend whenever they would be hanging out at her family's home. He fascinated her, made her think about things so differently than her family would have. As the two grew older, it became harder for her to deny those feelings that were blossoming inside of her like a freshly-planted garden. Some of her favorite moments were the ones where they would accidentally find one another in her family's kitchen at three in the morning and conversate. Jesse never knew, neither did her parents or MJ, that he got her through so many of her issues simply by sitting there and talking to her.

Carys grew up knowing Holden was safety, knowing that she could count on him if she ever needed protection or a rock to support her. Maybe that was why it was so hard when he hurt her so badly the morning after Kristen's first baby shower. It felt like someone had stuck a grenade inside of her heart and pulled the pin, not caring about the damage it caused. Holden was the first man she had ever been intimate with, making every other time they were intimate mean more to her than it would with anyone else. She gave herself to him in the most special way, continuing to do so through the years. But every time they ended up in bed together, it seemed to end with her surrounded by the pieces of her heart.

"I know that you would never hurt me on purpose. I've trusted you with my life and my heart for most of my life and I refuse to believe that I made a mistake in doing so." Her voice was soft, trying to get her true feelings out without stuttering or making things worse. It was hard for someone like Carys to communicate how she was feeling due to her near crippling anxiety, a condition that Holden had experience in helping her deal with. It was why she was still attending weekly therapy sessions to work through her issues and become a stronger woman.

His hands on the sides of her face made her eyes move upward to meet his own. How many times had they been in this moment? Him holding her in a way that made her feel as if she were his whole entire world. Her mind wandered to the previous times they had stood like this in the past, her heart screaming for him to realize that she was the one who would make the most sense for him. Even when he was married to Kate, she would hope and pray that maybe one day he would wake up and see that they were each other's missing puzzle piece. Even if her family were to disapprove and think of it as a mistake, she couldn't deny the way he made her feel.

"I just...I need to take things slow right now. I can't just jump right back into something when I'm still struggling to get through the last time it hurt me." Her eyes stayed on his as she spoke honestly and from her heart, her hands resting on his chest once more. Would he be willing to go slow with her? Would he want to pick up the pieces and put her back together again? "I don't want to make you wait for me to be okay again...because I don't know when I'm going to be."

[mscarysberen]

dr-holdenfox·:

They way she spoke to him only furthered Holden’s anguish. It was cold. Antiseptic. The same voice he used to address the nervous loved ones of patients. I appreciate your care and concern. Holden’s grip on Carys loosened, brows pulling into their usual furrowed state. He moved one full step back, putting just enough distance between them for Holden to see Carys’ face. He craned his neck, trying to meet her downtrodden eyes. “Is that all that’s left now?” He asked, all panic in his voice lost to the sound of defeat. “I need to know what you want, Carys – what you need.” 

“I ruined everything here, I hurt you in ways that can’t and – and shouldn’t – be forgiven for. I don’t expect that to go away. I don’t expect you to forgive me right now, or ever, if you can’t. But I don’t know what to do now. I still love you. I still want to fight for this. I want you in my life, despite – despite my stupid blow-up, I do. I can’t picture this place without you.” He glanced around quickly, not seeing just the garage they stood in, but the big bad world beyond that. “It’s ridiculous how much I love you,” he forced out. Wanting to add, so much it makes me stupid. 

“But if you need this – just – just civility? I’ll make it work,” Holden said, voice low, determined. “I’ll be okay with it. I’ll – I’ll keep showing up, I’ll stay off to the side, I’ll say hi and – and leave you alone. But I need you to know that . I left for two years, and for years on and off before that, because I thought it would help. It was ridiculous, and stupid, and it didn’t help anyone. So I don’t – I don’t want to d it again. I want to be here. I want to be near you. I want to see that baby grow up. I want to be at her birthdays, and thanksgivings, and – and I want to be there if you need me, even if you never need me again.” 

“I am going to prove to it you every single God given day of my life. I will be here. I will be right here. Is that okay?” Holden asked, forcing himself to keep still, to stop the shaking that ran through his hands. “Can I just – can I show you? Please. Let me try.” 

There were certain things in life that Carys had a difficult time handling and one of them was change. When she moved out of her childhood home to attend college, she had a hard time adjusting to the new routine and being a completely different place. When she graduated and got a place of her own, it was the same thing. Even when her brothers got married and started having babies, she felt this shift that made her uneasy. It was the same when Holden started acting differently, especially after he married Kate. Even more so when he lost her.

Now here he was begging for the opportunity to show her just how much she means to him. He was standing before her with such sad eyes trying to make it known just how much he cared for her. Of course she knew that he loved her, it wasn't any kind of secret. People had known that for years and had been pointing it out to her for the same amount of time. But for him to be acting on those feelings and admitting them to her like this was new.

"Do you remember when you came to visit me in the hospital after I was assaulted?" She asked in the same soft voice, looking down at the pavement below her feet. It was one of the tougher, more negative points in her life which made it difficult to talk about. "You told me you didn't care what my parents or Kate said about you staying the night with me because you were going to do it regardless. You stayed with me when I was at my most fragile and I knew in that moment that you loved me unconditionally. I've never doubted it since."

Tears formed in her eyes again as she looked back up to meet his gaze, hoping that he truly felt her emotion and knew it was real. Whenever MJ or Jesse brought up how Holden acted around her, she would brush it off and act like she had no idea what they were talking about. Now MJ knew about what had been going on between her and their friend for the past eleven years, keeping it a secret from their middle sibling. Part of her was terrified of what would happen when Jesse finally found out the truth himself.

"I'm terrified of what could happen if I let you close enough to hurt me again," she began in a very soft voice, being as honest as possible with him. Nothing could progress if they weren't one hundred percent open with one another. "I love you so much, Holden. I've loved you the entire time I've known you. But that doesn't mean you haven't broken my trust and my heart." She continued, brushing a few tears away from under her eyes. "How can I be sure you won't do it again?"

[mscarysberen]

dr-holdenfox·:

Holden’s composure cracked deeper with each word Carys spoke. He blinked furiously, trying to clear the tears that clouded his vision, but there was no end to them. The woman kept talking, going on about his wedding, about the slow dance they shared and her premature exit – all some of the most heart wrenching memories of Holden’s life. The man truly, deeply loved Kate – the woman was impossible to dislike – but only hours after saying ‘I do’, Holden had Carys back in his arms, and he knew right then that he’d made a mistake. Holden watched the brunette leave in a hurry, wanting nothing more than to follow her out the doors. He didn’t. For some reason, he stayed right there on the dancefloor, a practiced smile plastered across his face. Every time he thought back on his wedding – supposedly the happiest day of his life – Holden could only ever feel shame. Regret. Guilt. 

Carys kept talking, and while Holden assumed his pain couldn’t get any worse, the woman managed to unlock a whole new level of low within him. The last thing I remember was laying back against the side of the tub … Holden shook his head. He dragged in a shaky breath and then clenched his jaw shut, sinking into the reality of what Carys was trying to tell him. “No,” he said, the word a guttural, visceral reaction to what he was hearing. “Carys –” Holden said, head shaking again, this time going on and on as she finished her story. Tears fell. His chest constricted, lungs shrivelled just as permanently as his heart. Stop it, he wanted to say, stop it right now. This was it – the truest, darkest consequence of his actions – and Holden couldn’t stomach it. Nausea nearly knocked him in half, erasing any hint of colour from his face. 

The tears grew into sobs – breathless and wet and loud sobs. Holden covered his mouth with the back of his hand, the other holding him half-upright, pressing hard against his thigh. While he was dancing the night away, Holden was losing Carys, losing her in a way more irreparable than he ever fathomed. He could see it – Carys, wet, cold, blue, still on the bathroom floor. The image wouldn’t go away, interjected only with flashes of his old apartment, of the kitchen floor he sat on for three days straight, kept company by endless swigs of whiskey and a tauntingly full bottle of his dead wife’s sleeping pills. Holden never spoke of that. He never would. Not to a therapist, not to his family, never to Carys. It was the darkest, most painful period of his life, brought on by death and war and fear, and a loneliness that refused to loosen its grip on Holden. 

But everything he’d gone through, all he’d lost, was lost at the hands of fate. Holden’s desperation hadn’t been caused by anyone. Carys’? That was entirely at his hand.  He shuffled forward, belongings dropping at their feet once again. “I didn’t know,” he said, “I didn’t know. I didn’t know.” It was all he could say. Over and over again, a pathetic, useless sort of mantra. I’m sorry wasn’t enough. Not nearly. Nothing Holden could say would fix what damage he’d done. 

“I can’t lose you,” he finally, frantically admitted. Holden’s hands came up, reaching for whatever part of Carys he could find. He pushed hair out of her face, rand his fingers over her shoulders and her upper arms, reminding himself with every touch that she was okay, she was real, she was still here. Nothing had taken her away from him. Not yet. 

Carys felt cold to the touch, tense under his big hands. Holden pulled his hands back, ashamed that he had assumed permission in the first place, but kept the woman within his reach. Fear was at the wheel now – Holden wouldn’t dare let her go anywhere that he couldn’t keep her safe.“If I ever lost you – “ he said, voice wobbling, “I can’t – I can’t lose you. I can’t.” Any kind of logical thought was failing him. Holden was desperately fighting basic instinct, his mouth pushing out whatever words it could muster while he focused all his energy on keeping still, on not just grabbing Carys and pulling her hard and tight against his chest. He blinked, the image of Carys cold and lifeless hitting him again.  Fuck it.  His hands were out, pulling Carys towards his body before he could stop himself. Holden tangled one hand in the ends of her hair, the other in the fabric of her shirt, and brought Carys as close as he could. He pressed his nose to the top of her head, breathing in her flowery, clean, very alive scent. His eyes closed tight, squeezing out more tears in the process. Holden ignored it, just letting the rise and fall of Carys’ breathing pull him back down to reality.  “I’m sorry,” he breathed out, “I’m so sorry. Please. I’m sorry.” At that point, the man wasn’t even sure what he was apologizing for. Everything, really. All eleven years of it. His words most likely meant nothing, but Holden needed to voice it all the same, releasing all the pent up fear he held in his pounding, nervous heart. 

This wasn't an admission she made to hurt him nor was it something she had spoken of in order to make him feel guilty. What happened that night in her hotel room was completely her fault and her doing, no one else's. She couldn't blame Holden or Kate for the fact that she downed a bunch of alcohol and tried to take her life. Her mental health being on the decline was the reason that happened...that mixed with her broken heart.

His reaction to her telling him what had happened made her heart shatter, feeling like she had ripped open all these old wounds and made them fresh again. How could she have thought that he wouldn't react this way? He was the man who loved her more than anyone else on this planet, making it obvious that he would be upset about her admission. His reaction was why she swore MJ to secrecy, making sure that Jesse and her parents never knew.

"I didn't tell you this to make you feel bad. I didn't even want to tell you at all. I planned on taking it to my grave." Carys was speaking honestly, never wanting anyone other than her eldest brother to know about her ultimate show of weakness that night. Well, that was how she viewed it anyway. "But I guess I just needed you to understand the depth of my heartbreak, the strength of my love for you. How just not fine I am and have been for a long time."

With his hands moving through her hair and keeping her close to him, she was suddenly overwhelmed by his presence. It had been two years since she had been this close to him, had felt his touch and inhaled his familiar scent. After their encounter in the exam room upstairs, she never thought she would be this close to him again. Yet here she was, in his arms like she had been many times before when emotions and tensions were high.

"You don't have to apologize for my mistake. You didn't come up to my hotel room and tell me to do what I did. It was all my own choices and my own mistake." Her voice was calm as she spoke to him, her heart rate slowing as she tried with her best efforts to calm her raging anxiety. How did he always manage to bring out both ends of the spectrum for her? "But I appreciate you acknowledging how hurt I was after all this time. And I appreciate your care and concern."

[mscarysberen]

dr-holdenfox·:

“Then what are we even doing? Lying to each other? Pretending to be okay? Hiding and running and – arguing like we hate each other when it’s the furthest thing from the truth?” Holden asked, each question more rhetorical than the last. He inched closer to Carys, his eyes searching her face for answers that didn’t exist. “Eleven years – eleven years is a long time to be in pain,” he insisted, brows knitted tightly together. He matched Carys’ low, even tone as best he could, but the man’s emotions were getting the better of him. Holden knew the exact pain Carys was talking about – he’d been carrying it himself. Alone. Just like she had. There was no keeping it together in the face of that. 

“I never wanted to hurt you, Carys. Not once in my life. The only person I’ve ever wanted to hurt is myself. I – I don’t keep away because you’ve done something wrong, I keep away because I have. I’m the one who kissed you eleven years ago. I’m the one who showed up at your house in the middle of the night, who – who ruined our chances of ever starting this off right. I took that away from us. Then I saw the aftermath of my fucking greed for you and I – God, Carys, I put you through Hell. When it was us in that hospital room?”  Holden shook his head, one tear tracking down his cheek. The man brushed it away furiously, hoping that no others would fall. Not until he got this all out, at least. “I told myself that day that I would never be the cause of your pain again. Ever since then I’ve just – I’ve been trying to stay away and do the right thing, but I can’t. My heart is yours. It’s with you. Every time I go it just gets harder and harder to be away from you, Carys. And harder to come back – harder to see all the damage my greed has caused.” 

Holden hated the wide-open, vulnerable feeling that ripped through his chest. He hated how his face reddened with passion, and how tears fell despite how hard he tried to keep them back. This – this was quite possibly the most he’d ever shared with a person all at once. This was a kind of vulnerability that Holden couldn’t come back from. 

“I have felt … empty … for the last decade of my life. I found you, Carys, I got you. we had each other perfectly once, for one night, and then – then it all got taken away. Everything we talked about. It wasn’t just you who lost it, Carys. I lost it all, too. You have no idea how much – how badly – I hurt for you. For us. You have no idea what I went through. I – I left this fucking country because every time I went by that hospital, or drove by a park, or your house, or a car that looked like yours – all I could think about was the family we weren’t allowed to have. I have mourned that life every day for eleven years, just as hard as you have.” 

“And I’m sorry,” Holden managed, hands dropping to his side in exasperated defeat. “I’m sorry there’s no word bigger than sorry. I’m sorry that I didn’t know how to let you in. I’m sorry that I ran away. I’m sorry that I left you to grieve alone,” Holden said, the words followed by a sharp intake of air. He was crying now, openly so, too focused on the crumpled woman in front of him to care about anything else. “But I can’t do this. I can’t walk away again. I know – I know you deserve so much better than me, but I’m here. I’m here, and I love you more than I know how to handle. Still – even – even if you hate me, even if you tell me to leave, I need you to know that I am always going to love you just the way I did that first night. I never stopped wanting a life with you. I don’t think I’ll ever give up on that.” 

No bad thing in Carys' life happened by itself. It was always one thing after another after another. After her parents found the two of them in her bed that fateful morning, she lost the child they had created together. Not too long after that, she was brutally attacked on a blind date that one of her classmates had set up for her. Then she was forced to watch as Holden married another woman and grieved her sudden and heartbreaking departure from this Earth. She had been through so much in her twenty nine years of life, so much that she still went to weekly therapy sessions just to deal with the constant pain. How could she possibly get past everything she was still processing through? How could she let him back in as if nothing had happened between them? Would she?

"The hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life was stand in a crowded church and watch you marry someone else." It was the first time she had said those words aloud to him. She had said them to her therapist, but never to the man who single-handedly shattered her heart to thousands of miniscule pieces. Her brothers and the rest of her family celebrated the nuptuals with a happiness she had never before seen in her bloodline. How could she rain on their parade with her sadness? It was part of the reason why she left halfway through the reception. Once Jesse made the two of them share a slow a dance, she wasn't able to contain her emotions any longer.

Taking a deep breath, she knew it was time to get everything off of her chest once and for all. It was time that he knew exactly what had been going through her mind and how hard it had really hit her. "After Jesse forced us onto the dancefloor and we had that dance, I--," she stopped and looked to the ground, knowing that what she was about to say would change his view of her forever. "I left the reception and went up to my room. I ordered bottles upon bottles of wine and I drank them all so fast that...I'm honestly surprised I didn't get sick." She continued, wiping away her own tears as she tried to keep her composure through this memory.

"I turned my phone off, drank the wine, and filled the bathtub until it was spilling over. I didn't even bother taking my dress off before I got in. The last thing I remember was laying back against the side of the tub and falling in. After that, I woke up to MJ giving me CPR on the bathroom floor." Her voice was monotone as she spoke, refusing to look at him as she admitted to him what only her, MJ and her therapist had known for the past few years. She made her eldest brother swear to never speak a word of that night to anyone.

A few more cars drove by and broke up the silence that hung between them, her face still facing the ground as tears continued to stream down her cheeks. She had always sworn to herself that she would never tell Holden what almost happened that night, what she almost did as a result of her pain and suffering. She was no longer in such a dark place, but she often thought about that night and how different everyone's lives would be if MJ wouldn't have found her. Maybe everyone would be happier if he hadn't. At least she knew her parents would be since their greatest disappointment would no longer be lingering around.

"I swore to myself that I would never tell you what happened that night. I made MJ swear that he would never speak of it either. To be honest, I can't believe I actually just told you." Her voice was shaky as she finally looked up to meet his gaze once more. What would he think of her now? Would she just be damaged goods to him like she was to everybody else? Would he finally see her for the mess she truly was? "So to answer your question, I haven't been fine for a while. But I'm pretty damn good at faking it."

[mscarysberen]

dr-holdenfox·:

Holden huffed yet again, his preferred type of nonverbal communication in uncomfortable situations. He crossed his arms over his chest, waiting only inches away as Carys shut the hood of her car, the heavy thunk hitting him like a smack to the face. She absolutely did not want him involved. How could he blame her? “Jesus, Carys, you’re the furthest thing from a damsel,” he said, irritated that the woman could assume anything else. Carys had always been the strongest person Holden knew, today only having further proved that. “You just – you shouldn’t have to wait for a tow truck. I know you can,” he grumbled. As he spoke, Carys did the same, insisting that he didn’t have to stand in wait for her. He let out a breathy, almost pathetic chuckle. 

“You’re just fine,” Holden repeated, voice monotone, if not edging towards sarcastic. “Great. That’s – that’s good. I’m glad you are.” He stopped talking suddenly, reaching a hand up to nervously rub at his facial hair. His eyes stung with tears. Holden swallowed hard, pulling the urge to cry down into the pit of his stomach. “I’ll just – uh, I’ll leave then,” he finally said. Holden moved to pick up his assortment of crap off the ground, trying to make his exit as quick as he could. 

He made it about four feet away before his heart screamed for him to stop, pouding against his ribcage so hard he thought it might break through. Before he could even register what was happening, Holden was turned around, heading back in Carys’ direction. 

“How are you okay?” He asked, voice multiple degrees louder than it should’ve been. “How? – I – I’m in so much pain that I feel like I’m going to fucking die if I get in that car and leave you here. I know what I said earlier – I know I fucked up – I know I just leave and leave and leave, but I love you so much that I don’t know how to stop.” “I don’t know how to stop being near you. I can’t stop. I’m so fucking scared of – of everything, and I just – I’m scared that I’m going to hurt you. So I do all this stupid fucking shit to try and make it easier on the both of us, but I end up hurt you anyways. Over and over and over again. I want to love you so goddamn badly, but it’s like –” Holden sucked in a breath, “it’s like I’m completely incapable of being good for you. I am. I am, and I’m so fucking god damn broken up about it,” he finally admitted, tears welling in his eyes again. “So how are you just fine?” 

All at once he was turning around and coming back towards her with the booming voice she knew all too well. They had been here time and time again trying to hash out their feelings and make something work when it just wasn't meant to. No matter where they were in life, it never seemed to just come together and make sense. How could it? She was his best friend's little sister and the girl her parents had forbid him to be near. It was as if every single element in the universe was fighting against them.

The level of his tone made her gasp as she fell back further against the car, having been looking down when he approached her again. Her eyes were wide in surprise as he poured his heart and soul out to her in the middle of the parking structure. He was laying it all on the line, telling her absolutely everything in an effort to figure out the unknown. It was something they had been trying to both avoid and figure out since Carys was eighteen-years-old.

Taking a moment to compose herself and let her heartbeat steady itself out, she looked down and her hair fell in a veil around her face. Why did he have to have such a strong hold on her heart? Why did it have to be him that every part of her wanted so badly to be near? A few cars passed by to reach the exit of the structure and she took that time to collect her thoughts and figure out just what it was she wanted to say. What could she say?

"You think I haven't been in pain, Holden? You think I haven't spent every night for the past two years staring at the ceiling in my bedroom wondering what I did to make you fuck and walk out on me?" Her tone was low yet deliberate, making sure she got her point across without screaming at him in the middle of such a public place. Her social anxiety would forbid her from making such a scene. That and there was also a chance of a member of her family walking by and seeing them standing there in a screaming match.

Her eyes stung with unshed tears as she stared at him, not wanting to show the weakness that was threatening to spill out. How did he always manage to get under her skin and bring out the side of her she hated most? "Holden, I haven't been fine since that morning you walked out of my bedroom eleven years ago."

[mscarysberen]

dr-holdenfox·:

Carys’ voice surrounded him from every angle, drowning out the hum of fluorescent lights and cars creeping through the garage. Holden likely could’ve walked on by, leaving the brunette to her phone-call and a dead car, but that voice – angry, still – haunted him. Kept him frozen on a single square foot of cement. Carys wasn’t even talking to him. She wasn’t even looking at him. Still, the woman had his full attention. 

He had to remind himself to breath. To blink. To loosen his vice-grip on the paper file Holden had crumpled in his fist. Escape was still possible, but Holden knew it was the most cowardly option he had. Even if Carys wouldn’t hear it, Holden needed apologize, one way or another. Separation might be the best option for them, but screaming the suggestion mid-tantrum was not the way to handle the situation. Especially with Carys. It was about the worst fucking thing he could’ve done, really. The woman deserved a million apologies – one for every minute he’d ever known her. Holden worried his bottom lip between his teeth, racking his useless brain for the right way to beg for forgiveness.

Holden’s attention turned back to Carys when her usually sugar-sweet voice – now frustrated, completely unfamiliar – was suddenly directed towards him. His brows furrowed, dark blue eyes looking back towards the floor. She was right. What was he fucking doing?  

“Yeah,” he said, rather weakly.

Holden shifted his car keys into his already too-full other hand, dragging his fingers through his messy brown hair. “I uh, I doubt it’s your battery, but I could try to give you a jump if you’d like. Least I can do,” Holden mumbled. Without waiting to hear Carys’ answer, Holden began to march forward, dropping his belongings in a heap at the front of her car before working to pop the old machine’s hood. His brows furrowed, mouth pulling into a frown. It definitely wasn’t just the battery. No jumper cable was going to fix this.

He let out an unimpressed humph. Despite everything else going on between them, Holden couldn’t resist the urge to say, “you’re lucky you’ve gotten this far in this thing – you know that, right?”

A sigh left her lips as Holden once again tried to play hero and look under the hood of her car. By now, she knew what was going on with her car and how much damage had been done. Her brothers had been telling her for years now to scrap the junker and get something newer, something safer. But it was a gift from her grandparents, one that she had such a hard time letting go of since she grew up in the backseat of it. How could she just let those memories go as if they meant absolutely nothing?

"I know it's not the battery. My transmission has been on the decline for months now. I'll probably have to bite the bullet and total it." She said as she continued to dig through her purse, mentally kicking herself for not cleaning it out often enough. Finally she came across her opened pack of gum and grabbed a piece, popping it into her mouth. Gum chewing helped to relieve her anxiety, which was currently trying to shoot through the roof of the parking complex.

Walking up to the front of her car, she waited for him to pull back before she shut the hood. He had some nerve walking up trying to play hero after the way things had just transpired between the two of them. Who did he think he was? Did he think he could walk on water? Do no wrong? Dr. Holden Fox may have been revered all through their town, but that didn't mean he was absolved of all his sins. At least not in her eyes. She had forgiven him too many times and let him do as he pleased far too often. Not this time.

"Contrary to popular belief, I'm not a damsel in distress. I'm more than capable of calling and waiting for a tow truck." She said as she leaned against the driver's side of her SUV, folding her arms across her chest. Her brothers had always babied her and made her feel as if she couldn't do things for herself despite her being more than able to. Holden, no doubt, had picked up on that and had always treated her the same way. "You don't have to stand here like a sad puppy and try to find something to do. I'm just fine."

[mscarysberen]

dr-holdenfox·:

There was no use in working after that point. Holden had planned on heading back to the attendings lounge to finish his post-ops for the day, but his little meltdown left the doctor exhausted, and with no patience for paperwork. Holden barely maintained enough energy to stand, let alone work.

 He sat in the patient exam room for what felt like hours, but the sun pouring in through the window never budged, lending the man to believe that any concept of time had abandoned him, too. He stood eventually, body aching at every joint, and forced himself towards the door, step by step. Holden worked patiently through his breathing, diligently reminding himself to breathe in, then out, and in again. It was all he could do stay upright. To keep moving forward. 

Carys was the last link Holden had to a world in which he was a decent man. That was it. He needed Carys to tie him down to this world, to encourage the humanity that blossomed within Holden whenever they were together. Without her, what did he have left?

Nothing. No one. Not anymore. He’d pushed them all away. 

All the doctor could do now was go home and face the lonely. 

Holden gathered his belongings from his office and b-lined towards the parking garage, not bothering to change out of his navy blue scrubs or his clunky OR sneakers. He felt like shit – might as well look like it too. 

He fished his car keys out of his jacket pocket, fumbling with the flimsy windbreaker along with his backpack, a travel mug, and an unfinished patient file he picked up on his way out the door. The man muttered profanities to himself, sinking further into the role of old curmudgeon with every passing second. Eventually he found what he was looking for, but the bitterness remained on his face, only increasing when he looked up to realize his (shiny, black, basically brand new) Jeep was nowhere in sight. 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Holden groaned out, lifting the car keys up so he could press the lock button. He wandered around the parking garage, pressing the button over and over and over again. Why don’t you ever park in the staff lot, you fucking idiot? Get something right, he thought. Holden clicked and clicked and clicked the stupid little button, feeling more emasculated with every press. 

Finally a beep sounded in the distance. His head shot up at the sound and Holden pressed the button again, hurrying towards the noise that followed. One more press and Holden saw his headlights shine through a row of cars. Relief washed over him – replaced only a millisecond later by utter terror. 

Three cars down was an old, red clunker of a car, with a familiar brunette standing beside it. Fuck. It was Carys. Of course. Holden glanced up towards the sky. Fuck you, God. Fuck you big time. Rub my goddamn nose right in it. Holden hovered where he stood, keys dangling from one hand with all his belongings precariously balanced in the other. If he wanted to get home – to escape the hell that was today – he’d have to walk right by her. 

Holden swallowed, wondering if he could wait her out. Maybe she’d leave, and he could get home without another traumatizing run in with Carys. Ten seconds passed, then twenty, and the woman didn’t budge. Then she made a call, her voice booming through the concrete garage. Was she calling roadside assistance?  The doctor huffed and hung his head, sliding his pride in his back pocket before slowly making his way towards her. Eventually, they caught eyes. He offered her a nervous, concerned smile. What he wanted to do was stroll over and ruffle her hair – make some stupid comment about them both having a shitty day. It’s what he would’ve done if everything was okay. If they were them. If things were normal. 

If he hadn’t pushed her away. Again. 

Instead, Holden said nothing, his pained smile faltering under her intense stare. 

As she listened to the automated menu options that played, she felt a presence appear before her. Her eyes ventured up from the ground to see who the shadow belonged to, a familiar face that she wasn't at all expecting. When he didn't say anything, she pulled the phone from her ear and pressed the number associated with the menu option she needed. It was going to be a long process getting her junker car out of this garage, but it was something that needed to be done. Why did he always have to find her during the most inconvenient times? It was as if he had a radar only for her and stressful situations. After pressing the number, she put the phone back to her ear.

The last time her car broke down, her and Holden had been on better terms. She had been stuck on the side of a back road during a thunderstorm and he was the one she called to come get her. Of course, as always, he showed up almost immediately and rescued her from the pouring rain. No matter where she was or what he was doing, he was always ready to drop everything in order to help her. It was the same when it came to him and stressful situations. But now she couldn't turn to him, not after their blow up in the exam room only mere minutes before. Why was he just standing there staring at her not saying a word? Did he expect her to speak up?

"Hi I'm currently in the A5 parking garage at Saint Michael's Hospital and my car won't start. Pretty sure the transmission has finally gone up." Carys explained the situation to the man on the other side of the phone, listening as he typed away on the computer he was sitting in front of. He asked her the usual questions such as the year, make and model of her car as well as the exact location of it for the tow truck driver. She explained the issues she had been having before today and how it all seemed to contribute, running her fingers through her hair as she sighed.

The man, as kind as he was, only delivered bad news when he told her that it would be at least two hours before a tow truck could get to her vehicle. Was she supposed to just sit in the cold, damp parking garage for two whole hours on her own? "That's fine. If I'm not here, I'll leave the keys on the driver's seat." She said to the operator, hanging up after confirming the address to the garage one more time. Slipping her phone into her pocket, she turned her attention back to Holden and sighed once more. He hadn't moved an inch since he spotted her, making her question his thoughts.

"You know, taking a picture would certainly last longer." She said as she turned back to the driver's side of her car, looking through her purse for a piece of gum or anything else she could use to ease her anxiety.

[mscarysberen]

dr-holdenfox·:

Holden wished he could eat his words. As bitter and uncomfortable as they’d feel in his mouth, the man deserved it. He deserved to feel even an ounce of the pain Carys felt during his childish outburst. God, if they cut up his tongue and choked him on the way down, he deserved it. But Holden couldn’t take it back. His ugly, horrible thoughts were out in the world. His self-destruct button had been activated. There was no turning back. All Holden had accomplished was hurting Carys again. This time irreversibly. 

The only good news? Letting go of Carys would be certain torture. Holden would be punished for his actions. 

The man forced himself to stand taller, holding his head up with the last ounce of strength he possessed to look at Carys dead in the eye. If this was it, if this was the last time Holden would witness her  – as disheveled and upset as it was – Holden needed to look her in the eye. He needed to memorize her every little detail while he could. More than that, he needed this to stick. He needed Carys to walk away and never want to look back. It would be best for her, in the long run. Hating him would be a hell of a lot easier than loving a man who could only punish you in return.

“Good,” he firmly stated. “Good. You see it now. You get it. All I’m ever going to do is hurt you. You need to go. Go find yourself someone who won’t hurt you like this. Just go.”

He watched as the woman shoved her phone back in her purse, his face contorted in pain. Holden stood tall, his arms crossed firmly against his chest. It was all he could do to keep himself together. One misstep – one little nick in his armour and he’d be begging for forgiveness at her feet, starting the cycle all over again. Holden stood just like that, jaw clenched tightly in a desperate attempt to hold back his tears, until Carys shut the exam room door. 

Then he crumpled, leaning weakly against the patient bed behind him. There. Maybe it’d stick this time. Maybe they’d both learn their lesson. 

Holden sat for a long time, eyes staring ahead but vision clouded by the tears that fell, one after another. His heart had been broken before – so many times he’d lost count – but this time, something felt entirely unrepairable. 

It took a moment for the brunette to compose herself in that hospital hallway. Nurses and doctors moved quickly by as she stood in her own time warp. She couldn't bring herself to move just yet, her heart shattered knowing that things between her and Holden would never be the same again. Maybe her grandmother wasn't right for once, the woman always saying that her and her childhood love were meant to be together forever. Trying to regain a bit of her strength, she pushed her tears away and carried on down the hallway. She had to put on a brave face for the family waiting for her in Kristen's room, not wanting to have to explain herself to them.

After about a half hour of mingling with everyone and holding the new baby once again, Carys was on her way out of the hospital and to the parking garage. It was a spot that Holden had pointed out to her as the best to park in because after a certain time, the gate stayed open and no one had to pay. But her luck ran out when she got into the driver's seat of her nearly eighteen-year-old car and tried to start the engine. Nothing. Strained noises echoed through the garage and there wasn't a single person in sight to give her a jump. Something told her this was more than just a dead battery, though.

Opening the hood of her car, she did her usual routine of checking the same parts and areas for anything out of place. Her father and grandfather had serviced this car since it was passed down to her, keeping it alive for as long as they possibly could. But something told her that this big red tank wouldn't be holding on for much longer. Nothing stood out to her though as she reached for her phone sitting in the cupholder, dialing MJ's number. Of course there was no answer. She dialed Jesse's number and wasn't surprised to find that he didn't answer either. And she wasn't about to call her father. Sighing as she threw her phone onto the driver's seat, she ran her hands through her hair and exhaled deeply. What was her next option?

"Of all days for this to happen, you choose this one." It was unclear whether she was speaking to her historic vehicle or the unknown being in the sky, but it could apply to both. Her head leaned back against the car as she closed her eyes and tried to think. She didn't have the money to get it serviced again considering it had just been in the shop less than two weeks ago, but what choice did she have? "Guess its time to max out the old credit card." She groaned, reaching for her phone to call roadside assistance.

[mscarysberen]

dr-holdenfox·:

His exhaustion was fighting hard against his patience. The air around them felt heavy – hot – and every second Holden stood listening to Carys, he felt less human and more monster. “I’ve been hurting you since the beginning,” he said, voice brought back to barely a whisper. It wasn’t a question. Carys didn’t need to spell it out for him. There was no use blaming his bad behaviour on the war, or Shepherd, or Kate. He couldn’t claim to be a changed man, when he was hurting Carys now exactly how he’d been hurting her before. He had always been shit. It was just him. 

“That man – the one you’re hoping is still around – he’s the one who left you in the first place. He’s the one who stood up and walked away and buried his dick in some blonde. I’ve never been good for you, Carys. For anyone, really. I tried so hard to be the man you needed, over and over again. But I just kept failing. I couldn’t be your boyfriend. I couldn’t be a father to our child. I couldn’t even stay in the Goddamn country to be your friend. The night of the baby shower I realized something I’d been avoiding for years. All I’ve ever done – all I’ll ever be able to do – is hurt you. That’s why you never heard from me. That’s why I left.”  He sucked in a breath, and then added, “and that’s why I keep trying to stay away. I’m here today for Jesse. I came here for my best friend. I knew you’d probably be here and I took that chance. For him. I planned on – on meeting that new baby and leaving before you’d ever realize I was even in the country. And if I was a stronger man, a smarter man, I would’ve done just that. But I couldn’t. I’m still too fucking weak. I saw you, and I went in the room anyways. Then –  and then I followed you in here because I’m just some sadistic fuck who can’t leave you be,” Holden said, sounding more unhinged with every word. “But, uh, I guess since we’re here –  I’m sorry,” he said, “I’m sorry. That’s all I wanted to say. That’s all I can say. I’m sorry I left that morning. I’m sorry I left … every time before that,” Holden added defeatedly. “We’re not meant to do this. Maybe we never were. I know – I know that now. I have to stop trying to bring you back into my life. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to either of us.” “I’m sorry that this has brought us both so much pain. Really, I am,” Holden said, catching Carys’ eye just long enough to shoot her a genuinely apologetic look. “Please, just – know that in some fucked up way, I was trying to do the right thing. Every single thing I’ve ever done from the moment I first kissed you was just … me trying to keep you safe. I’ve loved you every single minute of my life, but I don’t know how to do that without hurting you, too. I have to stop. We have to stop.”

“It will be easier that way, right? A clean break.”

Some of his words caused her to physically flinch due to the harshness of them. The brunette had been hurt by men before many times in her life. Whether it was the man who had sexually assaulted her while she was in college or the men who tried to take advantage of her vulnerable state after, she knew pain at the hands of the opposite sex. But none of those heartaches could compare to the amount of hardship Holden Fox could rain down on her life. None of those moments of crying in her car or screaming into her pillow before sobbing herself to sleep could possibly measure up to the way he made her feel time and time again. Did he even know that?

For a moment she was still, letting the quiet hang between them as his question floated through the air around them. Would it be easier for them to just stop trying and walk away from this? Would it be simpler if they just went about their lives as if the other had never existed? For Carys, that wouldn't be possible. She once carried a life they created together inside of her body, a life that came from a night of expressing the love they had been hiding for so long. She also had words in his handwriting inked on her body forever, making it impossible to go on as if he never meant anything to her. The only sound that could be heard was from the other side of the exam room door, the usual hustle and bustle of the busy hospital.

Her eyes moved downward to hide the fact that tears had began to form in them once again. Maybe he was right about the fact that all he'd ever do was hurt her. Maybe he was just destined to be a destructive force in her life no matter how much she didn't want to believe it. Using the back of her hand to wipe underneath her nose, she tried her best to regain her composure as she took a few steps towards him. She wanted to make sure that he truly saw and heard her when she said what she had to say. Because this was only going to happen once.

"If you think that us cutting ties and never speaking again is what we need, then so be it. I survived two years without you so I think I can manage a few more." Her tone was icy as she looked up into his eyes, tears falling once again down her pale cheeks. "So if that's how you feel, then this is it. No contacting me, no following me through hallways to check on me, no nothing. You'll have to act as if I never existed. As if Jesse and MJ never had a little sister." She continued, keeping her stance and facial expression as stoic as possible.

Before she could continue, her phone buzzed her in purse to indicate a text message. Looking down as she pulled it out, she saw a message from MJ asking where she had disappeared to. It was a bail out she didn't know she needed until then. "All I ever did was love you, Holden. Sometimes it feels like all I ever did was get punished as a result," she began once more as she dropped her phone back in her bag and moved towards the exam room door. "I truly do wish you the best. Sorry that I couldn't be." With those final words, she opened the door and walked out towards Kristen's room, knowing that if she stayed and heard what he had to say in response, she might never be able to make a clean break.

[mscarysberen]

dr-holdenfox·:

“– That’s what I need you to understand, Carys,” Holden pleaded. “You’re right. I’m not – I’m not me. I’ve been losing bits and pieces for years – here, with you, on tour, with Kate a-and with everything that happened. I got lost.” The man laughed, though the sound was far from amused. Holden’s voice was strangled by the pain he felt – by the immense weight of his memories. Holden rubbed nervously at the back of his neck, unsure if anything he was saying made sense. “And there’s so much of that man I can’t get back. I can’t be the same person I was a decade ago, before we ever touched. I can’t – I can’t be the same person I was before I left civilian life, or before Shep, or Kate – those parts of me are gone.” 

“And I don’t know,” he continued to ramble on, words tripping over one another, “you were still here. I – I saw myself in you. I saw you see me in me, and I just – I jumped in head first. I tried. I tried so hard to make myself that person again, to – to find myself in you.” Finally, Holden took a breath. He rubbed his tired eyes with the backs of his hands, head bowed in shame. “But it didn’t work,” Holden forced out. “I woke up in the middle of the night, and I didn’t know who I fucking was. I looked at you, and – and God, I knew you didn’t know either. I could feel it in how you touched me. How you – you actually looked worried in your sleep.”

His hands were shaking. His body felt weak, and tired, and altogether too heavy. Still, Holden pressed on. Carys needed to understand. “I ran away,” the man mumbled out. “I got scared. I thought – I just thought it was better. For both of us. If I – I just left. Instead of letting you wake up and see how hollowed out I was, I just fucking left. I thought maybe that little piece of Good ol’ Holden you still held onto was better than the reality of who I’d become.”

Holden shook his heavy head. He let his shoulders hunch along with the rest of him, the weight of his self-loathing too much to bear. “But I’m – I’m trying. I’m – I’m not that person anymore, Carys, and I don’t really know who I’m supposed to be, but I don’t want to be be a bad person. I never want to hurt you. That I know. I don’t know what to do – I don’t know how to fix it – but I don’t want to hurt you, Carys.” 

The morning after Kristen's baby shower was one that made her feel so many different emotions. She had expected to wake up beside Holden since she had fallen asleep beside him the night before. She had expected to at least have a conversation about what had taken place between them. But that stabbing sensation that penetrated her heart lingered for months after that single solitary morning. He hadn't spoken a single word to her, not so much as an apology for taking advantage of her vulnerable state. Never did she think that Holden would be the one to treat her that way, but he was.

"What you have to understand is all the things I've been through at your hand," she began as she let her eyes move upwards to meet his own. It was about time she grew some confidence and stood up for herself with him. "I suffered through your tours of duty right alongside you without being able to call you mine. I worried for your safety and had anxiety boiling in my soul for years because you were constantly in harms way. Don't sit here and act like I have no idea what that was like when I was the one who wrote you every single day and picked you up from the airport every single time you came home. No one else, just me."

Her hands moved through her hair again as she moved through the exam room. It was such a sterile environment, the same kind of atmosphere that was in the room that day they were informed of the life they would never get to meet. He was so gentle, patient and loving with her that day. But that man felt so distant now from the one who stood before her. Her friends had warned her not to get too involved with him, had told her that having feelings for him would only end in disaster. Her blindness was attached to the love she'd had for him since she was a little girl, wanting to be anything and everything she could for him no matter what.

"I refuse to believe that that man is gone. You're never going to convince me of that." Carys said as she turned her attention back to him, folding her arms across her chest once more. "It's like you're forgetting who you're talking to here, Holden. You think I'm gonna fall for these excuses and these elaborate diversions? Jesus Christ, I got a fucking tattoo in your goddamn handwriting." She said as she gestured to her foot, the tattoo being hidden underneath her shoe but the point still being made. "You're never going to convince me that the man I fell in love with is gone. I saw him the moment Jesse put that baby in your arms today."

[mscarysberen]

dr-holdenfox·:

“Don’t say that. Don’t you dare say that it was easy for me to walk away. It was fucking impossible. I had to do it. I had to rip myself away from you, and it was just as hard the last time as it was the first time. Every time. Every – every fucking time I had to leave you it broke me up inside.”  Holden had never been good with words. He’d never been expressive, especially when it came to his emotions. Carys was the only person left who knew his soft, vulnerable side. Even his own twin was kept in the dark. But now it wasn’t just about sharing his emotions with Carys, it was explaining them. It was justifying them. Holden was struggling, he was fumbling and nervous and scared – sure that one more misstep would lose him the woman he loved for good.  “I know I hurt you. I’m not saying what I did was right, Carys. I’m not asking you to put your feelings away and – and just forgive me. But please – please let me apologize for it. Listen long enough for me to explain and then – then I’ll leave you alone. I promise.”  The doctor inched towards the smaller, trembling woman. He wouldn’t dare try to touch her, but Holden needed to be close. “It was fucked up, what I did,” Holden began, voice pulled down to a quiet, morose tone. “I’ve been fucking up with you since that morning your parents kicked me out of your bedroom. I should’ve stayed then. I should’ve fought. Do you understand how much that would’ve changed?” Holden asked, his teary eyes searching Carys’ face. “If I had just stayed then, if we had stood up together against your parents, maybe we’d have – maybe we’d have a family. We’d have a life together. Maybe, I don’t know. But I’ve always hoped that’s what would’ve happened.”  “ – And I think I just kept coming back because I wanted that, so badly. Fuck, I wanted to get to a place where we could have a life together. Always. Every day. Every day I was married, every day before that, every day after Kate died –” Holden shook his head, unsure if there was anything he could say to make up for what he’d done, but desperate to try. “I hate myself for it, but that’s the truth. You were – you are always on my mind,” Holden forced out.   “After she died, you were who I needed to make me feel better. I don’t mean – I don’t mean the kissing or the sex, or any of that, I just needed to be near you. You made me feel like me, just for a minute. Every time I saw you, I remembered what it felt like to be alive. But then I – I took advantage of that. I did,” he said, utterly ashamed of himself. “And then I felt so fucking guilty and lost and scared that all I could do was hide, okay? I fucked up. I fucked up, and I don’t think I can make it better, but I need you to know that I never – never – meant to hurt you. If anything I was trying to punish myself.”  “I’m sorry. I know that isn’t enough, but I am. I wish I could take it all back. Be smarter. Stronger. Be the person you actually deserve.”

Never before had Carys seen Holden so vulnerable. It was almost as if she were standing there watching him tear open every single wound he had right before her eyes. She counted every tear that fell from his ocean blue eyes and made a mental note of every single time he spoke her name with emphasis. He was speaking from the heart and she knew that. How could she not when he was laying all his emotions out on the line despite fearing the unknown. This day was supposed to be joyous and celebratory for her brother, but instead it had turned into a catharsis she didn't know she needed.

Memories of every time he had touched her or kissed her since Kate's death flooded through her head. Whether it was holding her hand at the wake or pulling her aside at family functions to sneak a kiss, he had made a point to find her no matter where they were. At first she thought it was because he needed a friend, someone who knew him better than anyone to guide him through the emotional minefield. But as time went on, she realized it was a different kind of comfort he was seaking. He wanted the love that only she could give him. The unconditional, passionate, soul-binding love that only came around once in a lifetime. Even as she stood in the second row at his and Kate's wedding, she knew that no one on this planet could ever love him the way she could and always would.

"Some think I'm a masochist," she began as she brushed her bangs away from her eyes once again. It was a nervous habit she'd had since she was a little girl. "I keep getting hurt by you over and over again yet the second you show up, I go running right back. You're a weakness that has burrowed itself deep inside of my soul." Her voice was calm, no longer the elevated tone it had been in the previous response she'd had to him. Maybe her grandmother was right when she said that yelling and arguing solved absolutely nothing. Open and honest communication is what matters most in all relationships, romantic or not. As much as she hated to admit it, her grandmother was often right when it came to matters concerning Holden.

Turning away to look out the window once again, she wrapped her arms around herself and tried to find some sort of peace in such an emotionally charged place. It was in this very ward that she had been told in one foul swoop that not only had she been carrying a life inside of her, but that life would never come to be. Never had she cried so hard in her life. She hasn't cried so hard since. "You've been my comfort through every horrible happening in my life since I was a child. Even though you were my brother's best friend, you showed me the same support and love you showed him, sometimes more so. I guess we both have different ways of finding comfort and love." She said in soft tone, her eyes following the cars that passed by below the window. Despite how hurt she was feeling, part of her could understand why he needed her in that way. There were many nights that she found herself needing him that way.

"That doesn't change the fact that you walked out and didn't speak to me for two years. The Holden I know would never do that to me." The young woman turned back to face him, her eyes now puffy and red from the amount of tears that had been shed. Despite her willingness to listen and understand, the pain was still there.