fuck your feelings

@mscmmnctn

sideblog for gabe saporta

35 posts

about a month and a half ago, timmy confronted me because he said i was being distant. i had been busy with work, but i apologized and did everything i could to rectify the situation.

now, trying to talk to him is like getting blood out of a stone. he just isn’t interested. i know he’s upset with pauline, and tegan, and even me because he says i take out my anger on him when i get upset that i’m not widely liked. i’ve been trying to work on that; i’ve been at his beck and call, trying to romance him and make him feel loved but again: he just. isn’t. interested.

i’ve got my kid this weekend so i’m gonna take him down to my dad’s place in jersey. i need a change of scenery before i lose my fucking mind.

i feel.. alone. really, just. alone. my own fault, i guess.

i worry timmy doesn’t love me like he once did. i’m not very good at keeping friends. everything feels like a whirlwind and when i try and force myself to pretend i’m happy it just makes reality bite even harder when it all falls away.

i feel burned out. i feel like drinking to numb the sadness.

back to los angeles for a couple days in what is the dumbest move of 2019. just relapsed and even though it was just alcohol is it really wise for me to go back to the city in which i nearly died from a drug overdose? nope.

fuckin grammys.

i’ve been struggling. people don’t like me, that much is obvious. i’ve been told enough times. so i had a bad day today... i went out for air and came back a little bit wasted on vodka.

i had been sober for 6 months, almost. i can’t tell my ex-wife because she won’t let me see my kid and that means timmy can’t see him either.

timmy’s not mad and i don’t know why. i fucked everything up. i want to die. i deserve nothing.

wow i really am just a huge piece of shit huh

i’m proud of myself, i didn’t get angry at armie for what i read on the gossip blog. i know he’s looking too much into things or whatever because i trust timmy and know that my relationship with him is solid. i know that nothing can come between us.

i wish it was a little easier to talk to armie as he’s one of timmy’s best friends but we’re two very different people with conflicting views on the world. he’s west coast beer and steak. i’m east coast wheatgrass and quinoa... haha.

i tried my best... i can’t do much beyond that.

apparently i’ve been distant. i don’t see how but... i’m not gonna argue. i’m just going to try to do better.

so... timmy told me that he’s the reason that my mom has stopped sniffing around.

naturally i was really fucking angry at first because i don’t think he had the right to go behind my back to do that. he says that all he did was tell her to leave me alone and that he brought security but i think it runs a bit deeper than that. money was probably involved - i’m not stupid.

i’ve calmed down though and we’re pretty much back to normal because as much as he really didn’t have the right to do that, i didn’t have the right to get angry either. it was mere months ago that i went after his abuser and had him... sorted out. as far as timmy is concerned it’s the same difference.

i just wish he hadn’t lied. what an excellent way to kick off engaged life...

headed to france to celebrate timmy’s 23rd birthday and meet his dad in person.

oh yeah... and propose to him.

...timmy, not his dad!

still coming down from the panic of what happened the past weekend, with timmy getting into a fight while he was out with friends. i don’t know if it was so much a fight as it was him getting sucker punched by his ex, but i’m not going to argue.

i took him to the hospital and i’m keeping an eye on him better from now on. i should’ve been there. i could’ve stopped it all but... i don’t know. no use dwelling on it, i guess.

what’s most terrifying is that i know he hasn’t been okay for a while. not physically, i mean... mentally. he’s spoken to me about his seasonal depression, and obviously what happened the past weekend isn’t something he’s going to be happy about, but i think there’s some underlying issue here. he’s agreed to go to see a therapist today. i promised i’d wait outside for him, and that i’ll be with him every step of the way. it’s all i can do until he’s ready to talk to me.

my brother isn’t talking to me at the moment because he thinks i drove his mom away. our mom, i guess... but i’m not claiming her.

she started sniffing around again about a month ago, and ricky was more than happy to let her back in. i kind of get that, i suppose... all he’s ever had to be mad at her about is fleecing our dad and ditching us to move not even 30 miles away but never getting in contact. he never suffered under her like i did, but i wouldn’t tell him to fear of breaking his heart.

so yeah, he was all for her coming back. tried to convince me to forgive her too... after all, as far as he’s concerned, he thinks my grievances are identical to his. i refused and let him get on with it but apparently, she’s fled again. told him not to contact her and that she’s staying away for good.

he’s blaming me for not being open to having her in my life again. he’ll forgive me in time, i hope, as even if it was my fault i’m not sorry. she ruined my childhood. i still have nightmares.

everything is perfect. i got my three months sober chip the other day, and my relationship with my son and my ex-wife couldn’t be better. i’m glad that i can be friends with her, not only for the sake of effective co-parenting but also because everything is so much easier otherwise just being able to joke around with her and everything.

she loves timmy... everyone loves timmy. my son will try and shove me away just so he can cuddle timmy alone. it’s adorable, really. i’m glad that the few people that i call family have taken to my boyfriend with such ease. i’m excited for the future now, one i didn’t think was possible before, because i know that i’m so lucky to have so many people who love me.

i’ve been somewhat on edge since a week or so ago when my brother, ricky, told me that he’s back in contact with our mother. he doesn’t know anything about what happened to me as a kid... what jeanette did to me. my dad was never home, working a handful of jobs while trying to get his doctor’s license in the u.s., and ricky was too young to remember what she did to me. i would never let her touch him, but i don’t think she was interested anyway.

i was the only one she hated. enough to break my bones, burn me, insist i was a waste of space... it was years and years ago, but she disappeared out of our lives for good when i was 15. the divorce was hard on my dad, he didn’t realize how much of a monster she was and to this day he doesn’t. he struggled when she took every penny he had in court, but in the end we ended up on top and i was sure i’d never have to see her again.

so why is my brother inviting her over to his house? i’m making excuses for not going down to jersey to see my dad just because i’m so terrified i’ll run in to her.

it’s dangerous, how much it hurts to be away from timothée. even when it’s for less than 24 hours.

i am so thankful for everything i have. i am the luckiest guy on the planet.

i hate when timothée goes out without me. i know he thinks i can’t handle it, maybe because i’m older or because i’m trying to overcome my addictions but... he’s in a foreign country, he can’t speak spanish and he’ll go out getting drunk. not cool.

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