Okay, I’ve restarted my studies. I’ve started applying for jobs and hopefully I’ll get one soon.
2020 has been a tough year for everyone. I was introduced to wtFOCK back in March just before COVID-19 peaked all over the world/Europe. wtFOCK(DOWN) helped me get through those trying times in confinement. While I don’t regret becoming emotionally attached to wtFOCK as a show and its characters (mainly Sobbe), I acknowledge my obsession with it has gone too far. It’s not healthy and I had periods where I needed to remind myself to have a life outside of wtFOCK. This is entirely my fault and responsibility (but at least I can own up to it now).
I’ve enjoyed being part of this fandom. The majority is really nice and funny. It has some amazing people who suggest/write great writing prompts/fanfics, create impressive art/gifs and come up with some of the most amusing misattributed character quotes I’ve ever read 😂
The world works in strange ways. The fact that season 4/Kato is overwhelmingly boring helped me reach this decision and the show’s overall loss of quality unwittingly helped me to focus on real life.
I considered deleting my account but I’ll leave it for the time being. I think this is more to test myself, to see how long I can stay away from tumblr and social media in general 😅 it’s not easy to cut an obsession out of your life abruptly (maybe the corona resurgence/potential second lockdown will make me come back sooner than expected or I’ll be looking for some other excuse to return). Another big collateral damage of S4 is that it also made me lose interest in Yasmina’s season but I’m 75% certain I’ll pop up here again when it airs next year.
Judging mainly from Tumblr and Instagram, I’m well aware the fandom is not having a good time with the show right now. My expectations are honestly not high but I hope it gets better for your sake.
In the meantime, stay safe, everyone 💛 and bye for now 👋
We’re on episode 7 and clips/transcripts still as boring and plotless as ever. I think I’ll start watching the full episode on saturdays (which I should have already done a long time ago, I know). I think I’m still hanging on to season 4 so I can badmouth it afterwards. (At least, no one can accuse me of being unfair if I don’t give it a chance as a viewer)
Does wtFOCK still employs the lame excuse of “can you please wait and see”? This was kind of valid in the beginning but more than 70% in, I don’t think this holds any water anymore.
I loved your friends reaction. Did he make any other comments on any other scenes?
Another memorable one was:
“I get that Robbe is one lovesick puppy but come on, he should try to stay mad at his bf for longer than a minute. Is really that hard? [after Britt’s ❤️ to Sander and Britt wie? scene; then my friend remembered Chernobyl] Oh, Sander doesn’t fare much better in that department either
I introduced my male gay friend to wtFOCK (season 3 only). I watched it together with him even though I’ve watched it countless times before (well, I needed a reminder why I fell in love with it in the first place season 4 who)
When the scene where Robbe tries to sleep with Noor (and fails) comes on, my friend confirms what we already knew: “Oh dear, he didn’t manage to get it up? Not even the romantic atmosphere (candles) helped? I’m gay myself and I slept with women before coming out, I didn’t have erectile issues in the slighest. If I’m 100% gay, Robbe’s 200% gay. To put it another way, ladies totally don’t bother coming to him, no chance of him being bi or pan or whatever, his interest in the XX combination is 0% or even in the negatives. Ah, you get my point by now (laughs)”
Have you not yet maxed out your rage and disappointment in wtfock? It has become a deplorable, reductive, pathetic waste of media. The bar for the show is in hell. When is the time to stop being shocked by it? Wtfock has shown you what it stands for. isn't it time to take that in, and not allow it to have anymore control over your emotions? The sad fact is the show simply don't care about its characters, its message or its audience.
You’re right. I know should know better by now but the old happy memories and loyalty die slowly 😭
If, at the end of the season, wtFOCK.be pulls a facade of “the unlikeable main, the superficial themes, the disgruntled fan reactions, all of these were intentional”, it’ll make me even more enraged. I’ll go from 😤 to 😠 -> 😡 -> 🤬
Link part three: https://jxoxsxsxi.tumblr.com/post/623011777732591616/over-again-by-1d (I assume you meant james arthur)
Sander was so nervous. The surprise had to be perfect. It was what Robbe deserved.
He had planned everything carefully and paid a lot of attention to the details. Sander tried to make sure that everything would be perfect for the younger boy.
He was very excited about his surprise and couldn't wait to tell Robbe what he had planned.
Robbe had whined and begged, but Sander had kept his mouth shut. He was proud of himself for that because saying no to Robbe was still difficult for him.
Today was finally the day, the day where he could tell his boyfriend what they were going to do the next two days.
Robbe was still asleep. Sander, who had been awake since six am because he was excited, was already up. The artist was making breakfast for his lover well packing the last things.
He considered getting fresh croissants but decided against it because it would take to much time.
They had a busy day ahead of them.
It was already nine am, and Robbe still hadn't given any sign of life yet.
Sander didn't want to wake his boyfriend up, but they really had to leave soon.
'Baby?'
Sander presses a kiss against his lover's forehead which made them both frown.
Robbe probably because he didn't want to wake up, and Sander because his boyfriend was burning up.
Sander presses his hand against the cheek of his lover. The skin was hot against his own cold fingers. He tried to wake the younger boy up.
Robbe opened his slowly, blinked a few times, and the eyes shut again.
The eyes were blown and a little bit red.
'Angel? How are you feeling?'
Sander brushes the curls from his boyfriend's sweaty face.
The younger boy murmurs something in response.
'Baby? Can you hear me?'
No response at all this time.
Sander curses underneath his breath. Of all the days his boyfriend could get a fever. He was annoyed with the white blood cells of his lover.
Suddenly Robbe starts to mean and moving around slightly.
'You okay, cutie?'
The younger boy makes a soft sound and reaches for Sander who takes his boyfriend sweaty palm.
'I am almost ready' the boy whispers. His voice is hoarse and low.
'Just give me a few seconds to wake up.' Robbe tries to sit up straight.
Sander snorts and gently pushes his boyfriend back down.
'You have a fever, baby. You are not going anywhere.'
The younger boy attempts again to sit up straight. 'I am fine, just give me a painkiller or something.'
The brown eyes are kinda glassy.
'Shh, lay back down. I will get you a painkiller, but you need to stay in bed.'
Robbe starts to shake his head slowly.
'We- I- the surprise?'
'Don't worry,we can go another time. You need to rest now.'
Robbe sits on the edge. 'No, we are going today.'
He stands up, but his knees give in almost immediately. Sander can catch him just in time.
He rubs over his boyfriend’s back that is soaked with sweat.
'Come on baby, back to bed.'
The younger boy is resisting weakly.
'No Sander, we need to go.'
His lover's voice sounds almost desperate, but Sander pushes him back to the bed anyway.
'We can go another time, it is fine.'
Robbe shakes his again still trying to get up.
'You have put so much effort into this. We need to go.'
'Shh baby, you have a fever.'
'I don't have a fever!'
Sander rolls his eyes. 'You have a fever, angel.'
'I don't.'
'Yes, you do.'
If looks could kill, Sander would be dead now.
'I don't have a fever. I am fine to go.'
'Let's measure your temperature. If it is below 38 degrees we go, if it is not, you stay in bed.'
Robbe nods slowly, his eyes are already closing.
Sander tries to be as gentle as possible when he temps his boyfriend.
'40.3 Celsius degree, baby. That is a fever.'
The younger boy doesn't even respond anymore, he is softly snoring while a drop of sweat glides down his face.
Sander pulls the thick blanket off him so that his lover only is covered by a thin blanket.
Maybe he should have let Robbe take a painkiller first.
He scratches his head while trying to remember what his mother used to do for him, painkillers, wet cloth, soup, and lots of water. Sander nods to himself, he can do that.
---
The rain is steadily drumming on the windows as a lighting bowl lights up the room.
Perhaps it is a good thing that they didn't go to sea, the surprise, the weather would have been shit.
The would have made it work, but still.
Normally, Sander loved rain especially when he was home with Robbe. Laying in a warm bed together while listening to rain hammering on the window, safe inside.
It was the romantic inside him that loved it.
But not now, the rain was making him nervous.
Sander was worried about Robbe. The boy was doing worse than in the morning.
You could see the sweat on his forehead, but he had goosebumps all over his body.
Robbe had been awake a few times, rambling about elephants in Africa for some reason.
Sander tried to make the boy drink, but he refused every time. He practically had to force the painkiller down Robbe's throat.
He measured Robbe's temperate once again.
Fucking 42 degrees.
It only got higher over the hours.
Sander didn't know what to do. He had searched all over the internet.
His mother used to tell him that 42 degrees was the point you had to call the hospital.
But the internet told him to do it by three days, drowsiness or if the person with the fever didn't drink.
He just didn't know what to do.
It sucked that he couldn't communicate with his boyfriend who was studying medicine.
Suddenly Robbe is sitting up straight. Lips slightly parted and grabbing the sheets.
'Sander?'
His voice sounds small and cracks a little.
'I am here, baby.'
Sander puts down his drawing and goes sitting on the edge of the bed, pressing a kiss against his lover's hand.
Robbe looked horrible.
His face was extremely pale and his eyes were more black than brown.
'I don't feel so well.'
Sander presses another kiss against his boyfriend's skin.
'I know, angel. Do you want something to drink?'
The boy shakes his head.
'I feel sick.'
'Some water may help.'
Sander grabs the glass from the bedside table. The glass even has a straw so it is easier to drink, but the boy refuses again.
'Come on, baby. You gotta drink.'
Robbe gives him a helpless look. 'I don't want to drink, Sander.'
The older boy closes his eyes for a second. He hates this. He hates this so much.
Robbe being in pain and there is nothing he can do.
'For me?'
Robbe hands are shaking when he tries to take the glass.
'Let me help you, love.'
Sander puts his hand behind Robbe's neck to support the boy who lets out a shaky exhale.
Robbe drinks not even a sip.
'Some more, baby?'
He rubs his boyfriend back, but Robbe is shaking his head.
'I can't do more. I am sorry.'
Sander guides his lover back down to the pillow.
'That is okay, love. Take it easy. Can I do something for you?'
It stays silent for a second. Well, apart from the rain that battering down their window.
'We need to feed the dog.'
Sander strokes his boyfriend's brown curls.
'Do you mean our cat? She has been fed, don't worry.'
Robbe shakes his head.
'We need to feed the dog' the boy repeats.
'The cat you mean.'
Two big brown eyes stare at him.
'The cat' whispers Robbe softly.
'Yes, our cat.'
'Our cat?'
'Our cat' Sander confirms.
A weak smile paints Robbe's face before his eyes close again.
---
Sander doesn't sleep that night.
Robbe is restless. The fever isn't breaking and the boy still refuses to drink. He keeps talking about random stuff that doesn't make sense while sweating as if he is running a marathon.
Sander is distraught so he calls his mum.
'Hello? Everything alright dear?' His mother's voice sounds sleepy which isn't strange because it is three am.
'No' Sander is so desperate that he almost starts crying.
'What is wrong, sweetie? You are at the sea right now with Robbe, right?'
His mother suddenly sounds very awake.
'No, Robbe has a fever and it is only getting worse. I don't know what to do.'
'What is his temperature.'
'This morning it was around 40 and now it is 42.'
'It is always worse in the evening. Is he drinking?'
Sander shakes his head until he realizes that his mother can't see him.
'No, not at all. I don't know what to.'
He almost sounds hysterical at this point.
'Take a deep breath sweetie. Robbe is going to be fine.'
'What can I do, mum?'
Sander can hear his father mutter something in the background.
'Later Daniel. Sander, I know it is difficult, but you have to wait. Try to make him drink water and maybe even eat otherwise it only will get worse. If it doesn't get better you have to call the hospital.'
'How much longer do I have to wait?'
It stays silent for a second.
'I don't know. Maybe until noon?'
Sander bites his lip while checking the time, 9 more hours like this.
'I can come by tomorrow morning?'
'Thanks, mum.'
'Take care of yourself, sweetie. I know it is difficult, but he is going to be fine.'
'I hope so.'
'I promise you. Why don't you go and try to sleep some more? I will be there in the morning to help.'
'Goodnight, mum. I love you.'
'I love you too, sweetie.'
Sander takes a deep breath before walking back into the bedroom.
Robbe was still sleeping.
The younger boy usually didn't move when he was sleeping yet now he kept turning.
His eyebrows have slightly frowned, cheeks are glowing and his lips are slightly parted.
Even like this, Robbe is the most beautiful man on earth.
Sander wouldn't know what he would have down without his boyfriend.
Them meeting was fate, that they feel in love was bound to happen.
Robbe was his shield, defending him from fears and brutally.
The boy painted Sander's world yet the older boy had treated him like shit.
His chest kept aching when he thought about how bad he had messed up.
Their little getaway was meant to be his big gesture apologies. Of course, he had to gain Robbe's thrust and attention again by just living together, but Sander wanted to do something of the boy that had been working so hard.
It kinda stung that they couldn't go.
Robbe deserved it so badly.
Sander sighs while dropping down in the big chair in the corner of the room, staring at his boyfriend.
---
He was totally caught up in his sketch of his lover until he heard a soft groan.
Robbe was sitting up straight. He looks extremely confused.
'Hey cutie,' Sander whispered.
The boy gives him a soft smile as a reply.
'Do you want some water?'
Robbe nods slowly. He still doesn't drink much, but more than he has in the entire day, so that is positive.
'I am sorry.' His voice sounds as if it can break any second.
'What do you have to be sorry for?'
Sander guides his boyfriend back to the pillow after the boy has taken his painkiller.
'That we can't do whatever you had planned.'
'Don't worry about it, baby. You got ill, that is not your fault. We will do it some other time.'
Robbe looked exhausted even though he had been sleeping almost the entire day.
'Why don't you try to sleep some more? You will feel better when you wake up.'
'If I wake up' the younger boy groans.
Sander chuckles while stroking his boyfriend's hand.
It stays silent for a second.
Sander can feel his heart beating in his chest. He loves Robbe so fucking much.
'Tell me something' the boy whispered.
'I love you, and I am willing to repeat that over and over. A million times over. I hurt you several times, yet here you are always here for me like I am your hope. My icy bad boy heart has been melted your fire, and embraced yours with the flutter of wild feelings I felt. I don’t think anyone could ever feel, or understand how much I love you. No, most certainly not. They won't understand how much you mean to me. They will just say it is puppy love when it certainly isn't. We are a match made in heaven. I feel incomplete without you. Every time I look at you, I feel love and inspiration coursing through me. How destiny writes fates, I see. You are my treasure. You taught me to dream fearlessly, and love limitlessly, though you don’t know you doing it. I cherish you. Want to spend a lifetime with you. I worship you. I need you by my side, hooking fingers with mine. and together we will face the challenges life gives us. Love you so much, angel.'
Robbe blinks slowly.
'You have to tell me that again when I can process it.'
Sander chuckles before pressing a kiss against the brown curls.
'I will tell you every day until we are grey and old.
His heart is pounding while his eyes fly open. He grabs the sheets while his chest rises and falls quickly. His eyes are stuck together so he can't locate where he is.
A wave of panic runs through him while is breathing starts to falter.
There is something heavy on his chest. He can’t breathe.
He pushes himself up and tries to free himself only to get stuck in the sheets that are sticking to his sweaty body.
It is pitch black, and he doesn't recognise his surroundings. The room is spinning so fast that he feels sick.
His hands are trembling while searching for the light switch.
A soft whine startles him.
It takes him a few seconds to process where the sound comes from.
Someone next to him starts to move, gently guiding his head down to the pillow.
'Nightmare?' Robbe brushes through his bleached blond hair, caressing the scalp.
Sander shakes his head.
How can he call it a nightmare, if it doesn't leave his presence when he is awake?
His chest is still hurting.
'Take it easy, baby. It is okay. You are safe.'
Sander tries to focus on his breathing, but his mind can't concentrate.
The fear has paralysed him.
Suddenly the small light is on the bedside table is turned on, and Sander sees his boyfriend's gorgeous face.
He reaches out to touch the soft skin.
Robbe presses a kiss against the older boy's fingers.
'It is okay, baby. I am here.'
The younger boy keeps whispering soft nothings while cupping Sander's face.
It feels as if he lays there for hours before he can control his breathing again. He is completely exhausted.
'Do you want to talk about it?'
Robbe is still holding him tightly.
Sander slowly shakes his head. No, he doesn't want to talk about it, talking about it makes it feel way too real.
The younger boy keeps stroking his body, softly tracing his fingertips against Sander's skin. The fingers feel cold against his glowing skin.
He shifts his head so that he can listen to his lover's heartbeat.
Something steady to hold on while he feels disconnected from Earth.
He searches blindly for the gold metal on his boyfriend's chest.
Sander likes playing with the necklace from his lover for some odd reason.
'I read something last week, and it reminded me of you.'
Robbe's voice is as soft and calm as always.
'Do you want to hear it, love, or rather not?'
A kiss is being pressed against his forehead.
Sander still doesn't know how to use his voice went without bursting out in tears, so he nods slowly.
The younger boy puts a pillow behind his back, lifts Sander's head slightly and leans against the bed frame.
'You are different than other people.'
Sander doesn't really chuckle, but it comes close.
He tilts his head so that he can look at his boyfriend. He gets greeted with a familiar shy grin.
'Shh, let me talk first. You have a different approach to things. People can yell and shout at you whatever they want, but you just don't give a shit. It won't hurt you. The only way to get to you is by showing empathy.'
Robbe pauzes for a second.
'It is difficult to explain. What I mean is if someone tells you to study harder or that you shouldn't go out that much, you will only get more frustrated and defensive. You will stand firm in your resolution and will not give in. What makes you give in is kindness. You want to please those who care for you and that is what breaks you.'
It takes Sander a few minutes to process what his boyfriend has just said.
He burrows himself into the warm, arms of his lover Slowly rubbing the remainders of sleep from his eyes and gazed out at the gap between the curtains. Its vivid light extended across a rosy sky.
He supposed this was something the majority of people would consider beautiful, but he found it strange, hard even, to find something so meaningful in something so every-day. It's not like the sun wouldn't rise, it had, after all, been reliably happening since the beginning of time. So what was so special about it? He could never feel the joy from it others did, the magic that drew so many artists and photographers in as if they had some lens or filter he'd missed out on.
No, he wasn't a fan of sunrise for some reason.
'You worried about letting people down and that is why you are pushing me away.'
Robbe still hasn't let go of the topic. Sander knows deep down that his boyfriend has a point. He is not just worried, he is terrified.
Terrified of the fact that Robbe can leave him and there is nothing he can do to stop it.
The only thing he could do was pushing Robbe away and try to shield himself.
'I always think-'
His voice cracks when he opens his mouth.
He clears his throat while turning around on his lover's chest so that he can focus on the necklace again.
'Sometimes I have those thoughts that I don't know how to deal with.'
'What kind of thoughts?'
Sander hesitates but Robbe gives him a soft kiss on his head. 'You can tell me, baby' the younger boy encourages.
'I just get so afraid that you will leave and I know you don't give me any reason for it, but I-'
His voice crumbles away.
'I don't know. The fear takes over and I will just try to isolate myself to prepare for when you really leave.'
'Oh, Sander' sighs Robbe softly.
The younger boy turns his head so that they have eye contact.
'I am not going to leave you, not in this universe, remember? We can fight without breaking up. We can both feel a little low that doesn't mean we don't love each other any more.'
Robbe's fingers gently cup Sander's face.
'I love you, Sander.'
'I don't deserve you.'
There they are, the big salty tears rolling down his cheeks.
Sander hates it, he truly hates it. It makes him feel weak and vulnerable.
He knows that it is okay with Robbe, but still.
The younger boy holds him tightly while he sobs.
In the darkness Robbe's cuddles feel like a little touch of heaven, warm, together, cosy.
Sander wishes he could stay in his lover's arms forever, safe in the embrace of the other boy. It brings him peace like he has never known before, a calming something in the storms and chaos in his head.
It makes him hopeful for the future. Robbe's embrace is where he starts to believe that there is more to life than just fear or sadness. Being hold by Robbe is the only medicine he needs.
'Your touch can mend my broken heart.'
Sander whispers against his lover’s chest.
Robbe let’s out a soft whine before pressing a soft kiss against Sander's lip.
For the send a song can you do hold on by chord overstreet
Part one: https://jxoxsxsxi.tumblr.com/post/622738349777731584/hold-me-while-you-wait-by-lewis-capaldi
Sander can't describe what he is feeling right now.
This unpleasant feeling in his stomach that makes him want to throw up, but has nothing to do with his hangover.
Robbe had cleaned up the evidence pretty well. Sander only founded an empty package of a special kind of meat and a fancy dessert cake in the freezer. Oh and an empty bottle of Sander's favourite wine.
There was also glass shatters in the bin, and they missed a wine glass.
The older boy had connected the dots rather quick.
Sander was feeling uneasy, and he couldn't concentrate on finishing his thesis, so he decided to clean the apartment a little bit. That could never hurt, right?
He didn't change the bedsheets because he was almost certain Robbe had changed them earlier this week.
He cleaned up his pile of clothes and washed their towels.
Sander even vacuumed the whole apartment.
Under the bed, he found a small package with a cute bow attached to it. He recognised his lovers wrapping skills, and it just made his heartache.
He saw Robbe sitting on the kitchen desk with a scissor, wrapping paper, and some tape. Tongue slightly out of his mouth because he was concentrating so much.
He put the gift back underneath the bed.
Sander didn't deserve a gift or present right now.
Robbe was indeed late home, and it didn't help with Sander's nerves.
He couldn't control himself anymore and texted his boyfriend.
Sander: Baby? Almost home? xx 22:12
This time Robbe replied quite fast.
Robbe: No, it is a mess here. Go to sleep. I don't know if I will be home before midnight.
Sander: That can't be healthy? Your shift ends around 21:00, right?
Robbe: The shop closes on 21:00, Sander that doesn't mean I am finished at 21:00. I have told you that before.
It made Sander shiver the tone is boyfriend was talking to him. Robbe wasn't like that at all.
The younger boy was always kind and understanding, even when he had the right not to be.
Sander bit his lip. He really messed up now.
It was as if the time stopped moving. Sander was just sitting on the sofa staring at the television where some sort of soap was playing.
He wasn't paying attention at all. His thoughts had taken over.
Sander knew that he wasn't perfect. Hell no, he was far away from that. He had a lot of bad habits and was difficult to understand. Most people were always intimidated by him and run away before they saw the real Sander.
He knew it was part of his personality, but he always tried to deny it.
The worst flaw a person can have is that of self-deception. Sander had always been like that. He acted on impulse and then created the reason for his actions after the fact. If he was feeling good he did good things, if he was feeling negative in any way he did bad things. He felt like his good deeds meant he was a good person and his bad deeds were justified. In truth he never thought before he acted or spoke, he never stopped to ask himself if his response was the right one, or merely the first knee-jerk reaction that sprung to mind. Whatever he said was almost never true, or at least it was only "true" for him.
A loud sound from the kitchen woke him up. He had a stinging pain his neck and his legs were stiff.
The television was still on, but the soap was over.
'Oh shit, didn't mean to wake you up.'
Robbe was leaning against the door frame, eating an apple.
'That is okay' Sander yawns while rubbing his eyes.
'Did you eat already?'
'Yes, someone ordered pizza at work.'
The older boy nodded while examining his boyfriend.
Robbe didn't seem mad at all. He was just eating his apple and scrolling through his phone.
A part of Sander wants to ignore the situation. His lover is apparently not planning to make a big deal out of it so why should he do it? Robbe probably didn't care
There is was again, self-deception.
It was a big deal and Sander knew his boyfriend cared a lot.
He scratches his head while sitting up a little straighter.
'So, I wanted to apologize.' His voice sounds so awkward that he cringes to himself.
Robbe raises his eyebrow, the corner is of his mouth slightly wet. 'What?'
'For last night, I am sorry.'
The younger boy face falls a little. 'Don't worry it is okay.'
'We both know it isn't.'
Robbe didn't really look him in his eyes, but he didn't seem mad. There was also no heat in the younger boy's voice. The boy sighed loudly and let his head fall against the doorpost before taking place on the sofa, looking Sander directly into the eye.
'Sander, I love you more than anything in this world, but we can't continue like this. It has been going on for too long. I simply don't have the energy anymore.'
Robbe bites his lip and lowers his eyes, slightly shifting on feet.
'I want to be there for you and I try so hard, but it is not enough.' His voice sounds desperate and it makes Sander's chest ache.
Sander shakes his head while grabbing his boyfriend's hand. 'It is enough, it is more than enough.' He gives the younger boy a penetrating look, trying to teleport his own thoughts, trying to convince the boy how much he does for him, but Robbe gaze is fixed on the floor.
'But it isn't enough for me anymore.'
It feels as if something explodes in Sander's head. Do you know that sound from the computer that malfunctions? Well, that is the only thing he heard. Error 404.
'I-? Oh-, but-'
'I need you as well Sander so much more than you think. I want to be with you without having to beg for your attention or affection.'
A slap in his face would have hurt less, but the younger boy doesn't stop.
'It feels like I am pissing you off all the time yet you always want me around to give you physical love. I just don't get it anymore and I am tired of figuring you out! So you can tell me what you want! Do you still want a relationship or do you just want somebody you can fuck whenever you please? '
Robbe's voice crumbles during that last sentence.
Sander is processing the words. He doesn't know what to say, he is perplexed.
Robbe sighs and softly nods. The boy attempts to stand up, but Sander stops him.
He grabs his boyfriend's shoulders
'I still want a relationship. Of course, I still want a fucking relationship. You are my everything.'
Robbe leans against his lover's shoulder and rubs his forehead softly against the black hoodie.
'Why are you acting this way then?'
'I don't know, baby.'
Sander gently cups his boyfriend's face so that they have eye contact.
'You need to sort yourself out first. I want to help you, but you have to let me in. It is a mystery to me what is happening in your head. We just to talk all the time, what happened between us?'
What happened between them? More like what happened to him. Sander wishes he had an answer for that.
A soft finger is tracing his upper lip.
'Why are you going out all the time? Why are you drinking so much? Why are you pushing me away?'
'I just don't feel comfortable.'
'Around me?'
Sander shakes his head. 'I can't explain it, but it has nothing to do with you. It feels as if I can't breathe.'
The last sentence comes out as a stutter. A tear runs down his cheek.
He wishes he could explain what he is feeling. If he only knew where to start with it. There was this feeling in his stomach, a constant fear.
Sometimes it felt as if the world was slowly disappearing right in front of him. Or as if he was fading away.
Moments where his lungs were burning and his heart beating so fast he was afraid his ribs would break and his skin would be ripped apart.
And there was a void. The black hole in his head, deep inside his soul, slowly swallowing all his hopes and dreams. That was the worst of those moments. The realization of the vacuum, the nothingness, the absurd of his existence.
Those thoughts that kept him awake at five a.m. and made him wonder: why am I living for anyway?
Did he live for himself? For Robbe? For others? Did it all really matter?
The problem was that there wasn't an answer to his questions and that was the moment his anxiety turned into panic.
And when he was panicking he couldn't think clearly. He would start doing dumb shit to forget his fear only for it to return ten times as bad.
A never-ending spiral.
'Please don't leave me' he chokes out. His voice sounds so weak, so soft, so vulnerable that Sander wasn't sure if there coming any sound from his mouth at all.
Robbe shakes his head 'not in this universe, baby. Not if you let me in to help you.'
Sander hid his face in the lover's neck while he was softly sobbing.
Sander startles when a girl suddenly jumps his back and pulls his headphones from his ears. He scoffs at her loud voice.
'Robbe promised me he would send pictures, but you know how he is. Or were you distracting him?'
The girl jumps off his back and wiggles her eyebrows.
Sander rubs his eyes while yawning. 'Noor, what the hell are you talking about?'
The girl doesn't listen and continues to brabble.
'Seriously, Robbe is so cute. The way I needed to come and help me because it needed to be perfect, just adorable.'
'Huh?'
Noor still doesn't listen and pulls him towards the entrance of the academy.
'I also want a boyfriend like Robbe, one who surprises me when I am busy or not feeling well.'
An unpleasant feeling spread through Sander's body.
'What do you mean?'
The girl stops walking and raises her eyebrow. She pulls the collar of his shirt slightly down. 'You are not wearing it?'
Sander rolls his eyes. 'Are you going to tell me what is going on?'
Noor steps back 'wait, what? What happened last night?'
'Nothing? I don't know? Robbe was already asleep when I got home?' The boy gives the girl a questioning look. 'What was supposed to happen?'
There is a moment of silence.
'I haven't said anything.'
Sander sighs loudly and folds grabs his bag. 'Well, then am I-'
'I thought you and Robbe had date night yesterday?'
'Nah, I was out.'
Noor's eyes open a little wider. 'But Robbe kept texting me the whole day?'
'I really don't know what you mean, but I need to go inside now so talk to you later?'
The girl doesn't respond.
Sander rolls his eyes and walks past her. He doesn't have time for this bullshit now.
He needs to study a little bit more before the test starts in about half an hour.
He fucked it up. He couldn't remember a single thing during the test.
Sander was annoyed with himself. If he only had started studying a little bit early, he would have aced it. But now he had to re-take it probably, which meant more school and studying.
He gulped down a bottle of water while trying to ignore his pounding head.
Why did he drink alcohol? Was it worth feeling this miserable?
The sun appeared between the clouds and Sander squeezed his eyes together.
Everything was today so fucking bright and loud. It seemed like the universe was trying to annoy him on purpose.
People who were shouting in the hallway, a flickering light in the classroom, the smell of bacon coming from the cafeteria.
Maybe the universe was telling him not to drink on a school night.
Sander knew he probably shouldn't have gone out last night.
He should have studied for his test today, but some of his colleagues invited him after his shift and, he felt like getting shitfaced so he accepted the invite.
He was young and was allowed to have a bit of fun even though it meant suffering afterwards.
Sander sight loudly when a group of loud talking kids walked past him.
He opened his phone to reply to his lover's usually good morning or good luck texts.
There only wasn't one.
Sander frowned while refreshing his phone. No texts from Robbe.
Perhaps the younger boy was busy, although this wasn't like him.
Usually, Sander had around ten messages now.
He scrolled a bit through Instagram, but nothing was interesting so he returned back to the text messages, hoping to hear something from his boyfriend.
Robbe was seen last ten minutes ago which was weird. Robbe knew he had a test right?
Sander knew it was ridiculous, but he felt annoyed with his boyfriend.
Why was the younger boy not reaching out?
It feels as if someone pours an ice bucket over his head as he scrolls through their texts.
Robbe: Hey baby, don't forget about tonight?😘 08:36
Sander: Yeah I remember, miss you x 10:10
Robbe: Have fun working! I love you! Can't wait for tonight😏 12:52
Robbe: Hey, do you know what time you are going to be home? xx 17:03
Robbe: Sander? 17:59
Robbe: Everything alright, baby? 18:24
Robbe: Can you let me know anything?! 19:00
Robbe: Sander, where are you?19:31
Robbe: Hello??? 20:51
Robbe: What is going on? Nothing has happened, right? 21:20
Robbe: Baby? 21:46
Robbe: I swear if you don't let me know anything I am going to call the police 22:22
Robbe: your shift ended at 17:00, right? 22:40
Sander: Sowy cutie, I out if sw freinds, sea you tomrrow? 22:59
Robbe: Be safe 23:54
Now the thing with Noor made a lot of sense.
Sander cursed underneath his breath. Why was he so fucking stupid?
He felt a familiar ache in his chest.
Robbe was upset with him.
He pulled the strains of his hair. Why was he this way?
Why did he fuck everything up?
He hadn't spoken to Robbe this morning. The younger boy had already left before Sander had woken up.
He tries to remember what happened last night. Vaguely he remembers turning on the lights which caused Robbe to whine.
Didn't he try to have sex with Robbe? Or was that another time?
He rubs his face. The mess he has become the past few months.
It was a never-ending spiral. Sander felt bad about something and he would try to forget by doing bad shit which caused him to feel even worse.
Everything went downhill.
'You okay? You look like you have seen a ghost?'
Noor was standing in front of him surrounded by some girls that were chatting and giggling.
'I am not okay.'
The girl took place on the bench next to him and handed him a chocolate bar.
Sander shook his head. He still felt sick.
'What happened last night? Did you two get into a fight?'
'No' he answers harshly. He doesn't feel like talking about his problems with Noor right now.
A girl with black hair raises her eyebrow, but Noor waves them goodbye.
'I kinda forget that he had something planned.'
Sander can feel his cheeks heat up at the confession. Robbe didn't deserve him, the boy deserved so much better.
'I figured that. Have you talked to him?'
'Not really, maybe last night but I can't remember it.'
Noor sighs loudly 'oh Sander.'
It stays silent for a second.
'What did he have planned?'
Sander's voice is trembling lightly. He isn't sure if he wants to know the answer.
'Just some cute things, he wanted to do something nice for you because you have been so stressed lately.'
Noor tries to keep her tone neutral but she can't hide the accusing tone in her voice.
'I fucked it, Noor.'
'Can't disagree with that, but that is not what we should be focusing on right now. How are you going to fix it?'
Sander shakes his head 'I am not sure this can be fixed.'
Noor gives him a painful nudge. 'This is not the time to be dramatic. How long have you been together for? Four years now? I am sure you two can manage. He loves you more than anything.'
'I don't know how to fix this.'
'Just talk to him and apologize.'
'It is not that simple.'
Noor shrugs 'I think it is. He may be mad, but that doesn't mean it is over. Couples fight, Sander. I know it is extraordinary for you and Robbe yet it happens. You are both humans.'
Sander takes a deep breath and typing a message to his boyfriend.
Sander: Hey cutie, how late are you home tonight? 13:21
It takes Robbe two hours to reply even though he has been online at least six times.
'She wanted Espresso shot, not vanilla.' Laura, his colleague at the coffee shop, grabs his wrist to prevent that Sander messes up an order for the fourth time that day.
He just can't concentrate.
He starts to bite his fingernail as he unlocks his phone during his lunch break.
Robbe: I don't know yet. Probably late, you don't have to wait for me 15:39
That was it. No emojis, no good luck messages, no I love you, no how are you doing.
Sander bites his lip to suppress the tears in his eyes.
