The Most Important Person You Will Ever Get To Know Is Yourself
Its convenient to believe the world is cold. To retreat into your own mind when life doesn't hand you the cards you wanted. Its convenient to indulge in the pain and pity yourself for a while. Its a comfortable, familiar place for many. But if like me, you find yourself stuck there too long, use it as an opportunity to challenge your inner self. I’ve struggled with long bouts of depression since I was a child, and this is how I am healing.
I started by telling myself I would be ok. Literally out loud, every day. Even if I didn't mean it or really know for sure. I knew at this point in my life that I didn't like myself, my train of thought, my tendencies. My energy. Everything was dark, and the tricky thing about depression is there is actually solace in that dark... but as much as I was comforted by my night, I missed the light so much. I knew I’d be a better person with the sun on my face. I just had to find it.
I stopped asking the universe “why is this happening to me” and started trying to understand the lessons that my so-called shortcomings or failures were actually trying to teach me. I had to find the wires I had disconnected in my psyche that allowed me to go completely numb, and plug myself back in. It almost felt like I had to split myself in two. I conjured up this voice in my head that was so positive, so optimistic and bright. She was the complete opposite of how I felt on the inside. She was warm and encouraging every step of the way even though I would often slip back into my own black hole. Every time I felt negative or depressed or panicked, I would call on that voice again.. Telling me you've got this. You're gonna be fine. Get up. Keep going. Stay healthy, stay positive, sit up straight, smile.
After a while, I stopped thinking I was crazy for creating this happy-go-lucky alter ego and I actually started believing in those small affirmations. Then those small affirmations turned into small progresses, and those turned into huge positive changes. I was rewiring my entire thought process. I made a list in my phone of all of the things that made me feel good and called it “How To Be Happy”. I filled it up with things like keeping fresh flowers in the house, set and accomplish a goal every day, read more, drink more water, and opt for Discovery Channel or Nat Geo when the tv is on. When I started applying these things in my daily routines I wasn't sleeping all day and waking up exhausted anymore, I stopped feeling antisocial & anxious around strangers, or even people I’ve known and loved my whole life. I wasn’t in my head all day, aimlessly wandering through a thick grey fog, missing out on everything that was right in front of me. I wasn't empty. It was like coming to after being in a walking coma. I was waking up, and seeing in color.
I realized that every day we have a choice to be present and to operate from a place of either love or fear, and I decided to fill up on self love. The type of love you can’t receive from anyone else. The type that heals insecurities, codependency, doubt, and even depression. The type that makes you look in the mirror and truly know that you are a beautiful person full of purpose and potential. I’ve never felt so happy or healthy in my life. That voice I turned to, the person on the other side of the mirror, who had all of those qualities I wished I could posses during my darkness, was created by me. She was me. She is me.
Call upon yourself. Become aware. Do the work. Learn to know and love your inner cheerleader and realize the power we have to change. Live life spherically with a childlike sense of enthusiasm, and let every single wonderful thing fill you up to the last drop.