Random thoughts
Sometimes I wanna try new things, stick to routine, be the person I want to be. But then I think what will other people think of me (do I think too highly of myself, why am I doing these things, who do I think I am) the best way I can frame these thoughts against fully recognising myself is: other people arenât there yet so why should I do it? Wonât they think less of me for going ahead of them? Wonât they hate me for doing the things I want to do? Why canât I just be happy staying at the same level, until theyâve achieved their goals, then I can finally go for my own? I donât want to be ahead of anyone, I donât want to make someone else feel less than because I have more now. I donât want to be looked at funny, and then today I realised: those thoughts in a way cage me, to not fight for anything, to not have goals, to stay in the lane that I was given, maybe as a woman, maybe as a black woman. I canât be more than my partner, but Iâve got to achieve, I canât be more than my friends, but they are achieving their goals. The more I think on this, the more I know I stop at this point in life because I fear what might be if I chose to move past this. This feels comfortable and acceptable, anything less or more feels like am fighting against a thing that wants to stay in place. But it also means I push down every part of me that wants to come out, and only bring out parts of me that I know can be acceptable. Itâs accepting that a small bit of joy is out while maintaining the standard thatâs required me, but understanding I can never be free to accept every part of me.
Anyone else relate :)
