Lying to yourself is a powerful thing
Well... I decided to vent a little, or a lot, on my blog and just tell you my life story.
Most of my followers are probably here since the start of my “bimbo” days and my various relationships during that period of my life. It’s obvious things have changed a lot since that period of time in my life and I’ll go over this timeframe in a different post later.
Now I want to talk about constantly lying to myself over my life until I finally opened my eyes a couple years ago.
I was born and raised in a not so loving ultra catholic family, my Mother being the biggest Catholic freak I have ever known in my entire life. I was raised with a catholic mindset of good/wrong and general values. As I said yesterday, I’ve always been the black sheep of the family, not really fitting in even as a kid. My Mother wanted a girl and a boy, my sister being the oldest one was fine but when I got out of her, from when my Dad told me, she was mad, very mad I wasn’t a boy... She never really cared about me even as a child, I was an error to her eyes, but she had no choice but to raise me. She did a crap job a it... So I was raised as a very uptight catholic girl, but my grandfather who basically raised me for real wasn’t really into religion, himself being catholic as well but not very into it. So I had two visions of life and I adopted the one from my grandfather, therefore the more time was going by, the more my mother was rejecting me.
BUT having been raised with these catholic values some basic ideas were very well implanted in my head. The biggest one was that homesexuality was a sin and a very very bad thing. As a kid I didn’t really cared about it but when hormones started to kick... well... I found out real fast I liked girls and not boys. I was dreaming about girls, at school I had crushes and they were all girls... You know what I mean. BUT I had to keep lying to myself that this was wrong and that boys were the only thing I should love. That the normal thing was girl/boy. But throughout my teenage years even though I dated boys, even one for almost 5 years, it NEVER felt right. It just NEVER did... They were great friends, but not lovers. I never truly loved any man in my entire life, I only fell in love hard with girls, I only was attracted physically to women... But I kept lying to myself...
So I lied to myself and kept lying to myself even in my twenties. Telling myself I was bisexual, having sex with men from time to time. Liking it to a point, but never really enjoying it, trying to find a way to make it feel good........
I discussed with my Father and Sister about this and they BOTH told me when I was a teen it was obvious I was a lesbian, but they kept their mouth shut because of my crazy mother. At one point, I remember it, my Father caught me looking at his Playboy/Penthouse collection. My god these women turned me on ;) But in my head, I’ll never say it enough, it was only lies that girls are meant to be with boys.
The first time I had sex with another women was during a threesome at the early portion of that “bimbo” period. That was a revelation, I was so nervous and so uncomfortable until she touched me. I just knew it then, it’s the first time in my life someone touching my body felt so right. It was the first “true” hard orgasm someone gave me in my life.
That was the priod of my life where I said I was bisexual, I knew I wasn’t, but lies, lies, lies... I did believe it for a while, and it tormented me until I attempted to commit suicide (so hard to say these words) for the third time in my life. I ended up in the hospital for a little while and decided to just try to finally understand myself and started a general therapy where I realized I had been lying to myself all these years, and after a few years of therapy I’m finally happy and I feel at peace with myself.
All this lying caused me so much harm over the years. Eating disorder, suicide attempts (3), toxic relationships (too many), depression, anxiety, being psychologically abused (toxic relationships), drugs, and so much more.
Accepting myself, getting rid of the darkness in my life was the way I found for a better life and a happy one.
I’ll never thank enough a great friend of mine who played matchmaker, she told me she knew someone who would be perfect for me. She was so right... I have never been in such a healthy relationship in my life than with my wife. Life is so simple, easy, loving with her. I never experienced that.
So anyway... That’s it for now.
