I literally jusf realized I was a lesbian. For the longest time I thought I was bi, then I realized it was just because my mom was always pressuring me to be with men. I’m 19. I feel like a lot of my peers came to this realization sooner. Is that just me? I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do. Also I feel like I’m surrounded by straight girls and I wonder if I’ll ever meet anybody...
The age that people come out can be a very personal thing. It’s affected by a lot of factors, such as class, race, sex, gender, educational access, religion, region, family dynamics, and so on. There are averages to be had for every generation, sure, but the thing with averages is that they don’t tell a meaningful story. A lesbian from a working class family of lapsed Catholics is going to have a different experience from a lesbian from a middle class family of observant Muslims and a Butch lesbian coming from an educated WASP background is going to have a different experience from a Femme lesbian coming from an immigrant family kept intentionally functionally illiterate. You really can’t compare these stories with an eye towards assigning value judgments of who should be doing what and by when without doing a disservice to all the people involved here.
The Pew Research survey said that on the whole, young lesbians today tend to come to terms with their sexuality later than both gay men and bisexuals, with an average age of 18 for knowing and 21 for actually telling someone. There are a lot of reasons for this (compulsory heterosexuality being a major one). At 19, I’d say you’re actually right on track for your age group, despite how it may seem. The thing is, you don’t know how many of your peers are currently wrestling with these topics at the moment and just not talking about it. If you and I had been peers at 19, you would have thought I was one of those straight girls you find yourself surrounded by right now… and yet… :-) These things take time. The nature of coming out being what it is (and now in combination with social media), it can seem like everyone else is hitting those milestones way before you, that you’re a late bloomer, but I promise you, they aren’t and you’re not. You’re a lesbian, full stop, and for the great majority of us, the path to realizing that is not an easy one to take. Given what some of us have had to deal with, it’s a miracle any of us get there at all.
A lot of people (gay and straight) make the mistake of thinking that because so many Western countries have marriage equality right now that most of the work towards eradicating “real” homophobia is done. It’s not. Attitudes are slow to change and family dynamics persist. Lesbian is still a dirty word to many (in every sense of the word) and the cultural expectation of being quiet about your sexuality only works to keep gay people (especially gay women) in the dark and in the closet, purposefully separated from others who may be like them and kept away from that intimate knowledge about themselves. The fact that it takes so many of us so long to realize who we are is not an accident.
As for your mum, I empathize. I am in my 30’s and my mother still points out attractive men to me as potential romantic interests or half-jokingly encourages me to consider this man or that. It’s frustrating and it has gradually lessened over the years but given our starting point, I suspect it will never fully go away. The relationship a gay child has with their straight same-sex parent is often a complicated one. They’re projecting a lot of their own dreams onto you and often can’t separate who they are from who you are. Even the most progressive, pro-marriage equality parent has issues. Supporting something in the abstract is quite different from sitting across from it at the breakfast table or seeing it on display at Aunt Helen’s wedding. A lot of us have had to parent ourselves as a result so if you feel like you are in this category, just know that your path is a well travelled one and there are others like you who can help you. Seek out your local older lesbians and make friends. They are out there waiting to be found and if you go out with kindness and an open heart, more often than not that is what you will receive in turn.
Amongst my friend group, we’ve talked at length about the phenomenon where it feels like, when compared to our straight peers, most gay people are about 10 years behind. So many (out) gay people I know are off by a good 10 years or more compared to their straight peers on their educational goals, their careers, their relationship milestones, family relationships, financial goals (oh so massively behind…), family goals, and so on. It happens so much it’s almost a running joke now. “She’s in her early 30’s which is early 20’s in gay years, so she’s just wrapping up university now”… or how about finally getting the relationship with your parents in your 30s that your siblings had in their 20’s… or seeing lesbians in their 40’s and 50’s finally buying their first home and then seeing the awkward arm pats and “I don’t know why you didn’t do this sooner”’s from their straight friends and family contrasted with the glee and support (and envy) of their gay friends who just get it. To be quite honest, if you weren’t 10 years behind, based on my experience you would be the exception rather than the rule.
I won’t lie to you. You absolutely do have some catching up to do. You have some catching up to do with yourself. Every gay person does. This is a pretty big aspect of who you are that you’re just coming to terms with now and it’s going to change your relationship with yourself and your conception of who you are both in your past and going forward. You also are figuring out some pretty fundamental things about what you like and how you feel and that’s information which your straight peers have had access to their whole lives. And you won’t have the relative protection of adolescence and the legal protection of being a minor as you figure these things out… You won’t have the generally supportive parent who tells you that Jess is a nice girl but honey, you shouldn’t make your university decisions around her… or you will but you won’t be sure whether you can truly trust the motives behind their advice. You will deny and deny that your first bad relationship is actually bad because the other person will become a living stand-in for your gayness and a rejection of them is a rejection of you. And the “I told you so”’s in the aftermath when you finally end it will feel personal in a way you can’t quite describe… and the decisions you made during that relationship to keep it afloat will have greater and longer lasting consequences than the ones you might have made at 16. No one tells lesbians what safe lesbian sex is in health class and so you will fumble through your first few encounters and have to cobble together a bunch of broken and vague resources to try to construct your own understanding of how it works and you will find that when you first go to get tested, 9 times out of 10 that shitty About.com article you read at 2am will have more useful information to give you than the person sitting in front of you with a healthcare degree and sensible shoes. You will be tempted to get wrapped up in the celebratory nature of marriage equality (as will the good people around you), will feel yourself wanting something positive and good and unapologetic in your sometimes positive and sometimes good but often apologetic gay life, will find yourself seduced by the promise of legitimacy for who you are and the person you love, and will want to get married to the first healthy long term girlfriend you have… and if that relationship ends (as many, many do), you will have to decide amidst the grief whether you will mourn its demise in private or brave the disappointment and almost inappropriate investment your community had in your (very personal) life while also being a Bad Gay in the eyes of both the straight and sometimes gay people around you. As a gay person and specifically as a gay woman, you will have to learn to be your own biggest advocate. You will have to develop a spine of steel. You will have to go forward and forge a life for yourself with few role models and even fewer mentors. You’re blazing a path and it won’t be easy.
But it will be rewarding… especially compared with the alternative.
Be gentle with yourself. It’s hard and you’re just getting started but the payoff is a life well lived and (hopefully) well loved. You will meet someone, several someones if you’re lucky, and the more you live your life, the more you will notice a young lesbian coming into her own, growing up and finding out just who and what she is and being surprised time and time again at just how strong she really can be when all is said and done. You have the promise of an entire life stretching out in front of you. What do you want to do with that promise?
Never forget that you are a gay woman who was formed in a culture that was not meant for women and or for gays and would deny the agency and humanity to both. The fact that you are even at this point at all is a testament to your strength and the resiliency of your human spirit. Don’t dismiss that. It’s a hell of a thing and it will carry you a long way. Coming out to yourself as a lesbian is a massive achievement and I know first hand just how hard you’ve had to struggle and I want to say that I’m proud of you. There is a reason it’s called pride… because you’ve had to fight like hell (and you had to win) to get here.
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