becs

[mulberrymuses]

I love you,

but not as a formality

not something said in return out of politeness

not said to quiet the ache felt in between that forever and this one;

but said in the sense that there is a sapling in our yard

and I want to see her grow strong limbs

and I want to see her with fruit

with our little one’s fingers reaching upward under her shade in the middle of summer

with sun streaks in between delicate leaves

I love you,

not as a formality,

but with dirt, with seeds, with patience

[mulberrymuses]

i want

the rocks and acorns you pick up and give to me

to be my most prized possessions

for a trip to the grocery store with you to elicit butterflies in my tummy and i want to take pictures together and print them and put them all over my room

i want to paint with our fingers on canvas and hang them up in our house and to love them more than anything we could get done professionally

i want to dress up for Halloween with you and to be excited like a little kid all over again. i want to pass out candy to the neighborhood kids and drink wine with you and fall asleep kissing and touching before bed

i want to bake cakes with you and for it to be giggly and fun even if the entire recipe goes wrong because that was never the point. i just love being with you so much i don’t care if our brownies burn and harden over

i want to love each other so much we can argue respectfully and we end up laughing anyways because nothing is ever more important than how much we care for each other and we could never do anything horrible enough to need to be angry at for long anyways

i want you to love me so much you buy a green stone ring for me and cry when you try and ask me to marry you. i want our wedding to be filled with friends that always make us laugh and care about us so much they tear up when they give their speeches at dinner

i want to buy a house with you and clean it up all nice. i want to name it. i want to grow flowers for the bees with you and walk our dogs every morning. i want you to hold finley up so i can cut his nails and i want you to find my birds funny and i want you to keep me safe from thunder and let me sit outside in the rain with you

i want to cook you breakfast. and dinner. i want to cook them with you, i want you to whisper things in my ear that make me giggle and i want you to grab my waist and kiss my neck and i want to feel loved by you forever

[mulberrymuses]

don’t go where i can’t follow

[mulberrymuses]

i start gurgling blood

long before you shoot me

knowing which root is rotting

far before the plants begin to wither

and in those moments

my ribs crumble inward

and i am left raw to the world

my whole body, a scab

my whole heart, a wound

— and the longer you do not reach for me, the further into the ground i go

[mulberrymuses]

[mulberrymuses]

I am sixteen in the choir room and I am mouthing the lyrics because there is a pit larger than the ocean clawing it’s way through my abdomen, determined to let out onto the floor in front of me

I am sixteen in my doctors office and I am ignoring how she tells me to treat my condition because you love me too much to do something so horrible and she must be wrong, and I will not take her medicine

I am sixteen and your best friend calls me at 11:37 pm and now all I am doing is screaming and trying to find a single reason to wake up in the morning

You did the horrible thing

And all of the contents in my stomach are fighting their way to the top

and now I am choking down liquor and holding my head in crash position just to fall asleep at night

I am twenty one and I need to point fingers in all of the wrong directions until I am right, until I can say that I told you so, until I find the smallest crumb that brings me to some all-forgotten, rotted victory that I have been chasing in the name of self defense

[mulberrymuses]

[mulberrymuses]

we learned how to cook eggs together

12 years old, in home ec

and now you’re getting married, somewhere

in Colorado

did you tell her I dreamt of you last night?

did you tell her you were there, too?

[mulberrymuses]

[mulberrymuses]

I am sixteen in the choir room and I am mouthing the lyrics because there is a pit larger than the ocean clawing it’s way through my abdomen, determined to let out onto the floor in front of me

I am sixteen in my doctors office and I am ignoring how she tells me to treat my condition because you love me too much to do something so horrible and she must be wrong, and I will not take her medicine

I am sixteen and your best friend calls me at 11:37 pm and now all I am doing is screaming and trying to find a single reason to wake up in the morning

You did the horrible thing

And all of the contents in my stomach are fighting their way to the top

and now I am choking down liquor and holding my head in crash position just to fall asleep at night

I am twenty one and I need to point fingers in all of the wrong directions until I am right, until I can say that I told you so, until I find the smallest crumb that brings me to some all-forgotten, rotted victory that I have been chasing in the name of self defense

[mulberrymuses]

i start gurgling blood

long before you shoot me

knowing which root is rotting

far before the plants begin to wither

and in those moments

my ribs crumble inward

and i am left raw to the world

my whole body, a scab

my whole heart, a wound

— and the longer you do not reach for me, the further into the ground i go

[mulberrymuses]

why can’t i be in the universe where it worked out


where i didn’t run scared

where the only time I see you isn’t in passing, through car windows

you loved me like honey

& I wish I had been sweet enough to stay

— but I’m glad you’re happy and I think you’re doing great

[mulberrymuses]

she is the luckiest thing on the planet

and she doesn’t even know it.

to hold what my heart has yearned for, for years and years to come

& I am so lucky to have loved you.

[mulberrymuses]

my darling girl

how i wish i could hide kisses behind the stairwell with you

would you pick me another flower?

write me another letter?

i swear i won’t let my mother take them away again

— i would give anything to own something in your handwriting

[mulberrymuses]

Healing is dirty

I found her underneath my floorboards, sodden and wearing a children’s sock as clothing

Her tears cleaning streaks down her soiled cheeks, still coughing up ash from a fire that burned long ago

And as I hold her in my palms her body aches for comfort, and her knees tremble for stability unfound in the roughness of a life lived in the dark

But she sees the forest I’ve made for her out of houseplants and fae gardens, and though she weeps, she is safe.

RMB

@rmbpo3try

[mulberrymuses]