Multi-Faerie's Haven

Mental Health Blog. Please note I don't claim to have dissociative identity disorder, I'm in the process of getting diagnosed with a potential disorder at this point. I only speak to the experiences I am having.

[dissociating-in-dystopia]

You know your system accepts someone when your protector also begins protecting them

[multi-faerie]

omfgg yes

[multi-faerie]

Trying to explain to bf how a certain thing affected me and how all my alters respond and how it feels to have all of this happen all together. Read from top down, left right.

[multi-faerie]

[asylum-rp-deactivated]

About Dissociative Identity Disorder - Taken from the DSM5

[multi-faerie]

oh and fuck yes I am master of the who has it worse olympics. 

HA. HA. HA.no. really. I just am in a dark place so the idea of bitching about phoen calls and magazines seems trivial to me because I've been dealing with "is ther any reason to continue living?" and "I wonder how bad drano tastes?" or "Whats the easiest way to off myself?" 

sooo my own personal self questoins and issues are on a higher level of demented right now

BLAMING MY FUCKING HORMONES JFC thank god I have an endo appt soon but scared of those results and what it will mean for me :c no more estrogen plz I'm crazy enough as it is.

[multi-faerie]

Some pictures I made trying to explain how I feel in different states or how switching feels or what the fucks been going on with me when I don't feel right lately. I don't really have words to describe any of what I'm feeling, I don't know words that exist, and being as I doubt my own experiences and question their validity and begin to believe I'm making it up and/or delusional, it becomes even harder to believe the experiences themselves. But this is the visual depiction of those experiences... posting this for myself in case I accidentally lose the images and want them reference later...

A = Autumn O = Osiris Isa = Isabell R = Reed N = Nyla V = Vyper

[multi-faerie]

awake really late at night obsessively reading research papers and tests to try and prove to myself I have DID because self doubt fucking kills me and makes it impossible for me to function because I begin to doubt my real experiences and the meanings of them and question why I do things or why I feel things and ultimately become extremely confused, anxious, and disoriented.

FUCKING HATE SELF DOUBT ARGH ARGH. 

**point being that it doesn't matter whether I have a did diagnosis or not but it's bad for me to deny my experiences, what I know are true and are happening to me, regardless of what those experiences may be diagnosed as**

(and at this point they are most likely to be diagnosed as DID/OSDD/DIDNOS) 

I just try to repress my experiences and be like haha no I'm faking I've been lying I'm making all this up and then something happens that I have no control over and I lose my memory and dissociate and weird shit happens and I just want to keep being like HAHA NO TOTALLY MAKING THIS UP EVEN THOUGH ITS A HUGE INCONVENIENCE TO MY DAILY LIFE AND ALSO JUST GENERALLY FUCKING USELESS.

I'm so tired this post probably makes little to no sense but tryingt o get out my feelings anyway because I'm REALLY FUCKING FRUSTRATED by this whole shit.

I might take a DES scoring with me into my therapist wheenver the fuck I go next just to be like ~look I have a high score LOOK~ to try and see what she'll say even though she can't fucking diagnose me.

I'm such an impatient shit Ishould wait for my psych eval results to come back but I'm so convince they'll be useless, at most just show I do dissociate, but nothing more than tha.t... fucking bull shiiiit

[multi-faerie]

shipscompany reblogged your post shipscompany: dear teen alters, there... and added:

sure it´s not the worst part. but it sucks a lot.

I'd much rather deal with that than having to clean up my alters abusing my friends and screwing up my relationships, or, fun fun, burning me.

[multi-faerie]

Amazon.com: The Bifurcation of the Self: The History and Theory of Dissociation and Its Disorders (Library of the History of Psychological Theories) (9781441938978): Robert W. Rieber: Books

Currently reading this book - got it through my local library on inter-library loan from Des Moines University medical college. 

Just started it, it's a good history and perspective on the disorder. The latter half discusses the "myth" and media/society obsession with DID, so curious how the author tackles that. I'm also hesitant on anything discussing the Sybil case. 

[multi-faerie]

Assessment of Genuine and Simulated Dissociative Identity Disorder on the Structured Interview of Reported Symptoms

Here is a fascinating research paper about DID and malingering. 

[msladyfey]

DID Question: Sudden Structural Shifts

So I know no two systems are quite the same but I wanted to know if anyone else had this experience:

ALL of my previous primary fronts appear to have merged suddenly (though their distinctions had been getting gradually blurrier and thinner). The system seems to rely on needing two fronts, because it’s suddenly peeled part of the unknown “below” to create their “reflection”, a more developmentally “mature” alter (me, Aliza). I think they interpret mature to mean professional and scientific and diplomatic. I’m not sure what will come of this and want to hear how this turned out for other DID systems.

Has anyone ever experienced this?

[multi-faerie]

I've had no levels of integration or merging so I can't give me own experience - but reblogging for my followers

[cutevictim]

Question for folks with DID?

Can an alter die? And more specifically, can another alter have killed them? One of mine seems to think an alter killed another one and I don’t know if that’s even possible? I mean I guess she could just be scared of that particular alter (he’s pretty intimidating), but she also knows a LOT more about  my system than I do so Idk, but yeah, is that even possible?

[multi-faerie]

From all my research - Alters cannot die, although they may seem to be to other alters in the system.

[aseriesofoccurrences-deactivate]

dear teen alters,

there is a REASON people your age are not allowed to sign up for lottery and stuff. especially not online. or on the phone.

Who has to deal with rip-off now? Who has to deal with thousand unwanted phone calls? Who has to resign abonnements for magazines we didn´t want to have?

MEEE.

Gosh this is why I hate DID. I have to clean up all the mess others do. I´m sick of that. I hate it.

[multi-faerie]

If only my problems from it were just getting unwanted phone calls and magazines.. .life would be much simpler

[multi-faerie]

Don't ever hesitate. Reblog this. TUMBLR RULE. When you see it, REBLOG IT.

The original post only has US helplines. I've added UK helplines underneath. It would be great if people could add numbers from everywhere in the world.

Depression Hotline: [phone]

Suicide Hotline: [phone]

LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline: [phone]

Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673

Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272

Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

Child Abuse: 1-800-422-4453

UK Helplines:

Samaritans (for any problem): 08457909090 e-mail [email protected]

Childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem): 08001111

Mind infoline (mental health information): 0300 123 3393 e-mail: [email protected]

Mind legal advice (for people who need mental-health related legal advice): 0300 466 6463 [email protected]

b-eat eating disorder support: 0845 634 14 14 (only open Mon-Fri 10.30am-8.30pm and Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail: [email protected]

b-eat youthline (for under 25's with eating disorders): 08456347650 (open Mon-Fri 4.30pm - 8.30pm, Saturday 1pm-4.30pm)

Cruse Bereavement Care: 08444779400 e-mail: [email protected]

Frank (information and advice on drugs): 0800776600

Drinkline: 0800 9178282

Rape Crisis England & Wales: 0808 802 9999 1(open 2 - 2.30pm 7 - 9.30pm) e-mail [email protected]

Rape Crisis Scotland: 08088 01 03 02 every day, 6pm to midnight

India Self Harm Hotline: [phone]

India Suicide Helpline: 022-27546669

Kids Help Phone (Canada): 1-800-668-6868, Free and available 24/7

suicide hotlines;

Argentina: 54-0223-493-0430

Australia: 13-11-14

Austria: 01-713-3374

Barbados: 429-9999

Belgium: 106

Botswana: 391-1270

Brazil: 21-233-9191

China: 852-2382-0000

(Hong Kong: 2389-2222)

Costa Rica: 606-253-5439

Croatia: 01-4833-888

Cyprus: 357-77-77-72-67

Czech Republic: 222-580-697, 476-701-908

Denmark: 70-201-201

Egypt: 762-1602

Estonia: 6-558-088

Finland: 040-5032199

France: 01-45-39-4000

Germany: 0800-181-0721

Greece: 1018

Guatemala: 502-234-1239

Holland: 0900-0767

Honduras: 504-237-3623

Hungary: 06-80-820-111

Iceland: 44-0-8457-90-90-90

Israel: 09-8892333

Italy: 06-705-4444

Japan: 3-5286-9090

Latvia: 6722-2922, 2772-2292

Malaysia: 03-756-8144

(Singapore: 1-800-221-4444)

Mexico: 525-510-2550

Netherlands: 0900-0767

New Zealand: 4-473-9739

New Guinea: 675-326-0011

Nicaragua: 505-268-6171

Norway: 47-815-33-300

Philippines: 02-896-9191

Poland: 52-70-000

Portugal: 239-72-10-10

Russia: 8-20-222-82-10

Spain: 91-459-00-50

South Africa: 0861-322-322

South Korea: 2-715-8600

Sweden: 031-711-2400

Switzerland: 143

Taiwan: 0800-788-995

Thailand: 02-249-9977

Trinidad and Tobago: 868-645-2800

Ukraine: 0487-327715

[kuntsuragi]

i’m side eye-ing everyone who reblogs the fckh8 shirts because it’s been said over and over again that their entire company doesn’t donate any of the money they make nor reveal what it’s going to

also profiting off of the fucking murder of a boy is disgusting 

the capitalist system strikes again 

[passionfruitandvelvet]

this is slowly snowballing into a crisis

i told father (F) that the nurse will be calling, and that she and jkrauter insist i go back to counseling.

he says that they’ll put it on my transcript and it’ll go to college and no college will accept me, and that school could kick me out

good job…

[multi-faerie]

They will not and CANNOT put it on your transcript…. That’s private information. To put this in perspective of my own experiences: I came out to my school counselor (who I visited daily) that I was cutting myself when I was 14. She spoke with my parents and helped me get into therapy. Never on any of my documented work ever. The school has *no purpose* to document that the nurse/guidance counselor advise you go into counseling. that is private information. The only way colleges would know is *if you told them*

[passionfruitandvelvet]

My F is super paranoid and melodramatic. But it’s good to know his threats/ideas are totally unfounded.

On the other hand… I know someone who was outed for cutting by this very same nurse, and the nurse completely betrayed her trust and told her parents.

Nurse definitely is prejudiced against people who aren’t “mentally well or normal”. Thank God she’s leaving. She also probably wants to feel like she’s doing something important before she leaves… I’m a person, not a fucking legacy or swan song.

Are you absolutely positive they can’t send anything to the college? I’d have thought that that should be totally private.

My F said he’s going to call nurse and that she should prepare herself or something (again, probs his melodrama speaking.) He also said that I’m gonna pay. soooooo scared. (don’t worry, not in physical danger.)

[multi-faerie]

Going to pay for being mentally ill? Ugh sorry you’re dealing with that…

Fact is even if your college or uni knew you were mentally ill it’d be discrimination for them not to consider you because of that. But unless you tell them directly or write it on your entrance papers they won’t know because it’s not on your “record” your record is grades and punishments and things…not private psychological information.

[passionfruitandvelvet]

F is all hoity-toity and like “u don’t know that” and shit like that.

we spent hours today going over how he’s so “offended” i didn’t approach him about my dissociative symptoms first. well, when i first decided to tell him and my M about my depression, it took hours to even convince them that i was for real and taht depression is something worth treating. he wouldn’t even let me get help for depression bc he believes it’ll be on my record forever no one will give me a job or accept me into their college etc

then when i said i wanted to go back to counseling - didn’t even mention why, he assumed it was still just depression - he told me the same thing etc and that if “my problems continue they’ll put me in the community college and watch me for 4 years”. and if i stay here one more year, i’ll never leave - so basically, he threatened to keep me at home forever. no future, no life. because i brought up the idea of returning to counseling. for depression.

so imagine what he’d do if i said i heard voices (once or twice?)

i wasn’t even sure the voices were real and i still am not. sometimes i am, sometimes i’m not. if i don’t even know, why would i take the risk of telling someone else about this, especially someone with a history of melodrama, self-preoccupation, and sensitivity, who lives with me?

he seems to have convinced himself that i am in the wrong here and insists that despite all that past evidence, i’m stupid because i just assumed that he’d react badly to this big thing, given he’s reacted awfully to past small things. it’s simple logic. it’s not a big leap of faith. if you don’t respond well to a small thing you definitely won’t respond well to a big thing. and he’s sooooo sensitive. i hate playing the game. i had to self-coach a lot today (you gotta play the game, this is what he wants to hear, etc.)

i still have to pay for all the shit. nurse talked with him and he told her “i have the funds to pay for counseling” (????!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!) I HAVE ONE JOB AND PSYCH EVALS, COUNSELING, AND THERAPY IF I NEED IT ALL COST A SHITLOAD. I AM A 17 YEAR OLD GIRL WHO NEEDS TO CONCENTRATE ON APPLYING TO COLLEGES AND MAKING IT THROUGH THE LAST YEAR AT THE EIGHTH BEST (AND MOST COMPETITIVE, PROBABLY) SCHOOL IN HER NATION. I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO PAMPER THE EGOS OF 50-YEAR OLD MEN. I MIGHT NOT EVEN HAVE TIME TO KEEP MY JOB, WHICH MEANS NO $, WHICH MEANS NO HELP. SO NO. I DO NOT HAVE THE FUNDS OR THE TIME.

sigh.

[multi-faerie]

@-@ wow I'm so sorry about your F he's definitely...yeah...not helpful.

I wanna say tho - and this honestly doesn't help anything but saying it anyway - you are so strong for tryin to get help. It took me a lot longer to be honest with anyone about the voices I hear. I'm 24 and only now finally being 100% honest with therapists and trying to get did diagnosed. Of course it's a clusterfuck and I'm getting really frustrated with it...but I know I need to get help. So I can't even imagine how you must feel trying to do all this and be in hs and you're 17. When I was 17...man. Nope. Could not have done that. But my parents also had problems understanding mental health. I'd tell my F I was depressed and he would just ask, "what do you have to be sad about?" Reeeally helpful.

I wish there was more advice I could give you but it sounds like your parents are jerk faces. But if you ever wanna rant send me a message :3

[passionfruitandvelvet]

this is slowly snowballing into a crisis

i told father (F) that the nurse will be calling, and that she and jkrauter insist i go back to counseling.

he says that they’ll put it on my transcript and it’ll go to college and no college will accept me, and that school could kick me out

good job…

[multi-faerie]

They will not and CANNOT put it on your transcript…. That’s private information. To put this in perspective of my own experiences: I came out to my school counselor (who I visited daily) that I was cutting myself when I was 14. She spoke with my parents and helped me get into therapy. Never on any of my documented work ever. The school has *no purpose* to document that the nurse/guidance counselor advise you go into counseling. that is private information. The only way colleges would know is *if you told them*

[passionfruitandvelvet]

My F is super paranoid and melodramatic. But it’s good to know his threats/ideas are totally unfounded.

On the other hand… I know someone who was outed for cutting by this very same nurse, and the nurse completely betrayed her trust and told her parents.

Nurse definitely is prejudiced against people who aren’t “mentally well or normal”. Thank God she’s leaving. She also probably wants to feel like she’s doing something important before she leaves… I’m a person, not a fucking legacy or swan song.

Are you absolutely positive they can’t send anything to the college? I’d have thought that that should be totally private.

My F said he’s going to call nurse and that she should prepare herself or something (again, probs his melodrama speaking.) He also said that I’m gonna pay. soooooo scared. (don’t worry, not in physical danger.)

[multi-faerie]

Going to pay for being mentally ill? Ugh sorry you're dealing with that...

Fact is even if your college or uni knew you were mentally ill it'd be discrimination for them not to consider you because of that. But unless you tell them directly or write it on your entrance papers they won't know because it's not on your "record" your record is grades and punishments and things...not private psychological information.