summary: the path to healing has never been, and will never be, linear
warnings: uhhh matt? idk i don't think there are any but always read with caution!
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your fingers tapped softly on your small bump that had finally begun to show as you sat in matt's office, waiting for everyone to come back from a court case they'd been working on. you sighed as you glanced at your watch, they were supposed to be back already. they assured they would, it's why you'd made your ultrasound appointment for today, it was their shortest day for the next couple of weeks.
you began to rummage through your purse for your phone when the door opened. a woman giggling as she stepped through the doorway, and following behind her, matthew.
you couldn't help it but your heart dropped, your phone tumbling to the ground from your lap as you sat frozen in front of them. the woman's giggles ceased and matthew turned his head towards you.
"hi sweetheart" matt smiled, shutting the door behind him.
"hi" you breathed out, your gaze flittering between matthew and this woman.
there was an awkward pause, or, maybe it was only awkward to you.
"i'm gina." she smiles, her perfectly styled hair flowing like strands of gold over her shoulder.
she was beautiful. and it made your heart sink to your stomach and you could feel the bile rising up in your throat.
"y/n" you smiled tightly, nodding your head at her.
"pleasure working with you, gina. if you'll please excuse me." matt smiles at her, shaking her hand before walking past her and stepping towards you.
"are you ready?" he smiled as he grabbed his things from the desk in front of you.
you couldn't bring yourself to answer. you couldn't tear your gaze from her. her perfectly caramel skin and perfectly glossed lips, her bouncy curls and perfectly manicured hands. every detail of her outfit was perfect. she was perfect.
"y/n?" matt asked softly, his eyebrows furrowed.
you cleared your throat, shaking your head.
"sorry. um...yeah." you said, pushing yourself out of the chair and out of the office door, not even bothering to say goodbye to her.
you knew it was rude, but you couldn't bring yourself to look at her again.
you and matt had been in a good place, making good progress. he was certainly earning back your trust, and he gave you no reason to feel this way.
and yet...
you were silent the whole way to the ultrasound appointment, and silent throughout your time in the office. you had stared off into every direction that didn't have matt in your field of view, making you oblivious to all of his concerned glances.
he wasn't sure what to do, he wasn't even sure what has happened. at least not until you two had sat down for dinner.
you pushed the food around on your plate in front of you and instead opted for the large glass of soda sat in front of you. you took a long sip before letting out a sigh.
"she was pretty" you breathed out.
matt chuckled, his face scrunched in confusion.
"who?"
"gina"
he sighed, placing his fork down, eyebrows furrowed with concern.
"is that why you've been upset?"
you paused, stirring the ice in your glass, unsure of where to take the conversation from here. so instead, you simply said what was on your mind.
"she was prettier than me. a lot prettier."
"sweetheart-"
"so was jennifer."
matt froze, he didn't know what to say or where to go from here.
"i don't...i'm sorry. i just um...i'm trying to uhh...say anything. to yell at you. to be angry. to not keep it all inside." you chuckled sadly, your eyes starting to burn as tears brimmed your eyes.
"okay...what else are you feeling?" matt nodded, standing up and pulling his chair right up next to you.
"scared. i um...i don't know how to let this go. i'm trying. and i thought it was working but then you walked into the office with her, smiling at each other. and my head went right back to that place. i was back on that couch, seeing you on the news walking out of another woman's house." you cried.
"baby it's not-"
"and i wish i could forget it. forget it all happened. if i could go find the river lethe and drink from it, i would. i don't know how to not feel small and lesser than. i don't know how to forgive you and how to let this go." you sobbed, and matt grabbed your hands that sat in your lap.
"i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i can tell you over and over until i'm blue in the face that if i could take it back, i would. and believe me, i would. but i can't. and i will do whatever i have to to make us, make you feel okay again. and- i need you to look at me, baby" he places his finger softly along your jaw, shifting your gaze towards him.
"you are not smaller or lesser than anybody else in this world. do you understand me?"
"i know i just-"
"no. i'm serious. there is nobody in my entire life who comes above or before you. not even god himself could take your place. you are everything. and i will spend every single day for the rest of my life making sure you know that. and i will do whatever it takes for however long it takes to make you feel safe again. to earn back your trust." matt said firmly as he stared deeply into your eyes.
"what can i do, huh? what will make you feel better?"
you sighed as you blinked away the tears still spilling from your eyes.
"are you attracted to her?" you blurted out before you even realized what was coming out.
"no" matt said firmly.
"how...long will you two be working with each other?"
"one more week, unless the ruling gets pushed. and we're not working together, per say. she works at the da's office. i met with her because foggy wasn't available and we're trying to see where her head is at. foggy is the primary on this case."
you nodded your head, your eyes meeting his.
"will you be meeting with her again? outside of the courtroom?"
"yes. one more time. for her to present us with her plea deal. it'll be done with foggy and i together at the da's office."
"are you angry at me?"
"why would i be angry at you, sweetheart?" matt frowned, softly brushing your hair back behind your ear
"because i'm prying like this. because i'm bothered by things still, despite how hard you've worked."
matt shook his head, placing his hand softly on your cheek.
"no. i'm not angry. ask me whatever you need to. i will be 100% transparent with you always. i will give you whatever you need to help regain that trust. this is going to be hard, but we'll make it through. i'll make sure of it."
you two sat together at the table for a while before you’d made your way into bed. you laid there wrapped up in matt’s arms as he softly brushed through your hair with his fingers.
“thank you” you said, your voice barely above a whisper.
“anything, baby. i’d go find the river lethe if you asked me to”
summary: your friends cannot stand you and your newlywed husband
warning: so much fluff and sweetness you might need to see a dentist and a doctor after reading. hope u have insurance or live in a country that cares about you. wanted to give you guys this after the drama.
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SORRY FOR THE LATE UPLOAD I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH SO MUCH IN MY PERSONAL LIFE BUT I'M HERE NOW. HERE'S SOMETHING SWEET BEFORE MORE OF THE DRAMA
the morning after your january wedding was cold. but the morning after you'd returned from your island resort honeymoon was even colder. which was to be expected since it was only just the beginning of february. but you were the warmest you'd ever been, including the time you spent in the warmer climates of thailand, which you and your husband had just returned from. you laid entangled in silk sheets, his arms woven tightly around you, holding you close to him as he slept soundly.
a soft smile emerged on your face and you lifted your hand, bringing it up to his face and placing your hand softly on his cheek. stroking the stubble with your thumb.
"your hand. is cold." he mumbles, his eyes still closed and his mouth barely moving.
"and your face. is warm." you tease, tucking your other hand under his other cheek, sandwiching it between his face and the pillow and giving him a quick peck on the nose.
"leave my face alone." he groans, pushing your hands away.
"that's no way to talk to your wife." you pout playfully, and he opens one eye, peaking over at you and smiling softly before closing his eyes again.
"my wife. i like that." he hums, re-wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you into his chest, bringing the blankets up to your shoulders as he tucked his face into your chest.
you just smile, raking your fingers through his hair and cradling his head against you as he hummed happily.
"how do you feel about-"
you were interrupted by the door being thrown open, you feel your spirit leaving your body as matt shoots up, pushing you behind him.
"WELCOME BACK HONEYMOONERS" foggy shouts through the loft, making matt relax, a sigh leaving both of your lips.
"i'm gonna kill him." matt shrugs nonchalantly, and you just shake your head, pushing his arm slightly as you lean down, grabbing matt's sweatpants from the floor beside you.
"no you're not." you roll your eyes, standing up out of bed and pulling on his pants and throwing on his columbia hoodie.
" i could." he frowns, throwing on some clothes, his frown still etched onto his face as you slide open the bedroom door.
"hi fog." you smile, and foggy excitedly wraps you into a hug.
"if it isn't my favorite murdock!" he exclaims, rocking the two of you side to side.
"first, you break into our house. then you tell me that you like my wife more than me, your best friend." matt frowns, pulling you from foggy's hold and wrapping his arms around your waist, pulling your back against his chest and tiredly placing his head into your shoulder.
"sorry to break it to you matt, but i'm pretty sure everyone likes your wife more than you." karen responds as she walks into the loft, a bag of bagels and a tray of coffee cups in her hands.
"that's what i'm saying! it's like you didn't listen to my speech at your wedding." foggy smiles, throwing his arms up.
you throw your head back as you laugh, matt grumbling into your neck.
"i'm touched. truly." you smile, placing your hand on your chest.
"i'm not" matt pouts, and you roll your eyes, turning around and placing your hands on in chest.
"you're my favorite murdock." you smile, leaning forward and pressing a short peck on his lips.
"that makes me feel a little better." your husband smiles against your lips.
"okay enough being gross. karen brought bagels and coffee and we have a new case we need to discuss." foggy quickly interrupts, pulling you from matt's grip and plopping you onto the couch.
"you relax. and you, sir, come to the table." foggy directs matt as he throws a blanket over your lap.
your smile widens as karen hands you a cup of coffee, the latest seasonal drink and an your favorite bagel (with enough cream cheese to drown yourself in, of course. you're sophisticated)
"you're an angel" you sigh as you stare at the coffee and bagel in your hands.
"you owe me a lunch date. i wanna hear all the honeymoon deets" she smiles at you as she walks towards the table where foggy was forcing a pouting matt to sit down.
"absolutely!" you agree, tucking the blanket under your legs and reaching forward to place your coffee on the table so you could dig into your bagel.
****
the next day you found yourself perched on top of matt's lap in his office. soft giggles emitting from your lips as he placed gentle kisses along your neck and collarbones.
"how'd i get so lucky?" he says softly against your lips
"i'm actually a government plant" you shrug, and he snorts, leaning in to place his lips on yours.
"oh jesus, seriously?"
you jump, pulling your lips away from matt's and turn to see foggy frowning in the doorway.
"hi fog, sorry" you say as you sheepishly sink into matt's chest.
"when will the honeymoon phase be over? i work here too ya know!" he groans, shutting the door behind him.
"if it helps, i brought coffee?" you say, nodding your head over to the counter where the large coffee traveler sat.
"it does" foggy frowns before walking away momentarily to pour himself a cup of coffee.
"maybe i should go?" you whispered to your husband, and he frowned, dramatically pouting at your suggestion.
"no."
"y/n i love you so much, you two disgust me." foggy smiles sarcastically before sitting down in front of matt's desk.
"i know" you say proudly, standing up from matt's lap.
"where're you going?" matt frowns, and you lean down, pressing a quick kiss to his lips.
"leanne's. i'll see you at home?"
matt nods his head and you say bye to foggy as you walk out of the office.
"i love my wife." matt smiles proudly, making foggy roll his eyes.
summary: matt keeps his promise to wait, beg, and crawl in order to fix your marriage.
inspired by the wall by yana but particularly the singular lyric "but you love me, so you crawl"
warnings: the rumors are correct folks, al's bringing back men who yearn
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moving back in felt strange for you. everything felt different, and you weren't sure they'd ever feel like they did before, but you were willing to let it all go. you were willing to forgive him and to rebuild. or at the very least, you were willing to try.
and so was matt.
you'd only been moved back in for a couple weeks, but every single one of those days matt was catering to your every want or need. he was seated for every conversation. his ears and his mind always wide open to receive anything you had to say. whatever it was, he did it.
you still kept yourself at a slight distance from him. there was part of yourself that wanted to throw all of it out the window and just push everything that happened out of your mind, but the biggest part of you couldn't bring yourself to forgive him yet. you'd put all of your trust in him and he'd broken every bit of it that you had.
you were sat in your office at work, sighing as you looked over the brain scans on your computer. you'd been trying to do your work but all you could think of was your relationship. you groaned before stepping out of your desk and deciding to take a walk around the hospital.
you'd accepted this job not too long before matt has left for los angeles. you were working in the hospital in the rehabilitation program for people with traumatic brain injuries, except right now it felt more like trying to fix your relationship was the job and work became your escape. you hated feeling this way.
"hey, what're you still doing here?"
your head pops up to see one of the nurses leaning her head into your office.
"oh...just going over some scans." you smiled, clearing your throat and nodding your head towards your computer.
"you work too hard" she smiles, shaking her head before walking off.
you just sigh before deciding to pack up your things and make your way home.
when you entered the door, you were welcomed by an empty apartment. assuming he was either out patrolling or with foggy and karen. after a nice relaxing shower, you were sat on the couch. your hair was still slightly wet and you were watching a movie, a cup of tea in your hands when you heard the front door open and matt kicking his shoes off.
"hi honey" you hummed out, the pet name rolling off of your tongue automatically, and so smoothly.
matt could've sworn that his heart stopped right then and there. you hadn't called him anything other than 'matt' or 'matthew' since everything had happened.
"hi" he breathed out, a smile on his face as he walked into the living room, placing his things down beside the end of the couch onto the floor.
"everything okay?" you asked, looking at your sober and exhausted looking husband.
"everything's perfect" he smiled as he slid onto the couch next to you.
"perfect huh?" you chuckled.
"guess what i got you?"
you furrowed your eyebrows as you started at him. he reached over the edge of the couch, pulling a small grocery bag up, a loud and, albeit, overly dramatic gasp left your mouth as you saw the name on the bag. it was from your favorite indian restaurant from your hometown. which happened to be quite a ways away from hells kitchen. you'd cried to him about all the things you were craving and couldn't get last night, and had matthew had the opportunity, he would've left right then and there to get it for you.
"is this where you were!?" you giggled loudly, quickly grabbing the cheese naan that was wrapped in foil from him.
"it is. and i have more" he smiled, grabbing two more bags, each of them filled with every craving you mentioned last night.
"matthew" you croaked out, tears starting to fill your eyes.
"i thought that we could have uh...girl dinner? is that what you called it?" he chuckled, sliding onto the floor to sit leveled with the coffee table before pulling out the contents of each bag.
you stared at all of the things matthew was placing on the table. matthew had been trying his best to get you whatever you craved and doing whatever it is that you needed or wanted from him. you sniffled and quickly wiped the tears from your cheeks, and he turned around, a slight frown on his face.
"hey, what's wrong?" he said softly, turning his body so he was knelt in front of you.
"i...thank you" you cried, shaking your head as you let out a slight laugh.
"i can't believe i'm crying" you chuckled at yourself.
"it's okay. i just wanted to get you everything you wanted. it's not a big deal" he quickly reassured, a gentle smile on his face as he placed his hands on your thighs, moving his thumbs to softly rub the tops of your thighs.
you were sure that had you not been pregnant, you wouldn't be this emotional. but there you were, sobbing on the couch.
"you didn't have to do all this." you sobbed, and matthew just gave you a tight smile, nodding his head.
"yes i did" he said curtly.
you hiccuped as you shook your head
"you don't have to cater to me just because we're going through a rough patch."
matt chuckles, shaking his head at you.
"i'm not catering to you because we're going through a rough patch. i'm catering to you because you're my pregnant wife and i love you." he sighed
you stared down at him, another hiccup coming through as you grossly wiped your snot on your sleeve.
"i don't want to earn your forgiveness and your trust back because i...buy you the food you want to eat or i buy you little gifts. i don't want to buy anything from you, sweetheart. i want you to give me your forgiveness and give me your trust because i earned it." he said, his voice barely above a whisper, staring up at you from his knees in front of you.
"matt..." you breathed out, extending your hand and placing it on his cheek.
he let out a breath of relief, closing his eyes and leaning his head against your hand, trying to soak in anything you were willing to give.
"whatever it takes baby. i got us here, and i'm gonna get us out of it." he said, his voice cracking slightly towards the end of his sentence.
you weren't sure what to say, so all you did was nod your head before sliding down onto the floor next to matt.
"did you get the tiramisu?"
"of course i did, what do i look like, an amateur?"
you giggled as you began to dig into the food on the coffee table in front of you and pressing play on the adam sandler movie you were watching.
however, the movie went unwatched that night as you and matt laughed in front of the table. both of you stuffing your faces with the most random foods laid out in front of you.
and just for the night, both of you didn't think about anything other than being there in that moment with each other.
we can't be friends // matt murdock x age gap!reader
summary: you and matt try to repair what's broken.
warnings: reader getting angry, lots of emotions, being in therapy, mentions of pregnancy
very loosely inspired by we can't be friends by miss grande <3
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you two were seated in the waiting room of your OBGYN's office for your first sonogram when he'd blurted it out.
"maybe we should try therapy"
you furrowed your eyebrows as you snapped your head away from the book you were reading.
"what?"
"therapy. couples therapy."
you paused, just staring at him for a moment as you processed what he'd just asked of you.
"you think couples therapy is going to make me forgive you for cheating on me?"
matt winced at your harsh words, but you had every right to be angry. he felt lucky enough that you hadn't divorced him yet.
not that you hadn't thought about it. you did. you just could never follow through with it.
"i just thought that maybe it'd...help us move forward?" matt said, bracing himself for what you might say next.
you just nodded your head before turning your gaze back to the book you were reading.
"okay" you breathed out.
you'd wished that you hated him for what he did. you'd be well within your rights to hate him. but you couldn't. hating him was something you couldn't figure out how to do. and maybe it was the pregnancy hormones that kept you from it but every now and then, you found yourself crying to a god you weren't sure was listening to you, begging him to let you hate your estranged husband.
but you couldn't. and you weren't sure you ever could. which made the whole having his child thing all the more difficult and made you all the more angrier at times.
and now, you were here, on a strangers couch, clutching the pillow in your lap with matt seated beside you on the opposite end of the couch and a middle aged woman sitting in front of you. you'd felt odd. this woman was probably somewhere around the same age as you and now she was advising you on how to fix your relationship, not that you were even sure you wanted to.
"why'd you do it?" you mumble as you lean your chin onto the pillow
matt froze, he wasn't sure how to respond. he wasn't even sure why he did it himself.
"i..." he sighed once he realized he didn't have an answer.
you just nodded your head.
"was it me?"
"no! no, it wasn't you." he quickly responded, turning his body towards you.
"if i may, were you maybe unhappy with your marriage? or maybe just unhappy with marriage as a whole?" the therapist asks.
matthew furiously shook his head, his eyebrows furrowed.
"absolutely not i...i love our marriage. i love you. you're...the love of my life i just...i don't know. you are...everything that's good in this world. everything that i've ever wanted to keep safe from the evil seeping into this city. and i..."
"you feel like maybe you're that evil?' the therapist finishes his statement.
matt just sat there. he was no strange to self-sabotaging his relationships. he'd done them to every relationship he'd ever been in. it's all he'd ever known and maybe, subconsciously, that's what this was. because it certainly wasn't anything else.
"i can't...i didn't want to be the one to dampen any good thing that was coming your way i...you deserve better than me. better than the life i was giving you."
"you don't get to decide that! that was never your decision! i sat in leanne's apartment for a month trying to figure out what it was about me that made you feel like...like you had to outsource. i- we were fine!" you said, your volume rising and tears beginning to brim your eyes.
"we were more than fine i just-"
"you had so long!" you cried.
matt just sat there and the therapist furrowed her eyebrows.
"what do you mean by that, y/n?" she asks.
you sit there, letting out a long breath as the tears began to fall from your eyes.
"you had all this time to figure it out. every time you pushed me away, i waited through those phases. i waited for you to love me again because i knew that deep down you always did regardless of the way you tried to push me away. and when we got married i thought...i thought that was it. i thought maybe you finally accepted me and my love. but i was wrong." i cried.
matt sat there, tears brimming in his eyes.
"i do love you." he breathed out, his voice cracking softly.
silence filled the room. and the therapist clears her throat.
"y/n, considering the...circumstances. i think it'd be good to set an intentional timeline on how to move forward from here."
"doc, with all due respect, if i remotely knew how to move forward, we wouldn't be sitting in this office. i'd have filed for the divorce papers the moment i found out he cheated and i wouldn't be trying to shuffle through the rubble of our relationship for anything worth saving after it crashed and burned the way it did." you blurted out.
matt tenses as he hears the rage dripping from your words and he could feel his heart cracking as he listens to your confession that you'd wanted to leave him.
"why do you feel that you can't divorce him?" the therapist asks.
you scoff, shaking your head.
"we're having a kid together." you say matter of factly, leaning back into the couch.
"you can co-parent." she says, shrugging her shoulders.
"we can be co-parents and...just be friends." matt says reluctantly suggests, making you snap your head towards him.
"friends? you want to be friends? ...no. we can't be friends, matt. i can't be friends with you i-" and you stop, the emotions beginning to overwhelm you.
"do you think maybe it's not that you can't get divorced, but rather you just don't want to?" the therapists says, and you pause as you look up at her.
"i don't think that. i know that. i've had every opportunity to file for divorce. and i'd be well within my right to, marriages have ended for less." you mumble, the words leaving your mouth at a barely intelligible volume.
but you knew matt heard you. and your words, as much as they hurt, also gave him hope. hope that he could fix things.
"you would be. but you don't want to. and i think that's a really good start the pro-"
"listen, i'm sorry, but i'm tired of these phases where i'm sitting around being his good little wife and waiting for him to decide he likes me again. i'm tired of waiting around for his love. i am tired. and i don't have the luxury of time to figure it all out because we have a child on the way. i love him and i'm angry at him and i hate that we're in this position because of him, what do i do with that?"
tears slowly fall from matt's eyes as he listens to you confess everything you've kept in from him since he'd gotten back.
"yell at me." he says.
you scrunch your eyebrows and look at him with confusion.
"what?"
matt turns his body towards you and scoots closer to your end of the loveseat.
"yell at me. scream at me. throw things at me. hit me, even-"
"-okay so no" the therapist interrupts, sticking her finger up and furrowing her eyebrows as she purses her lips.
"-just be angry at me, baby. all i've gotten from you since i've been back is indifference and silence. you're keeping it all inside and it's just bubbling and festering. be anything as long as it's with me." he pleads, reaching out to clutch your hand in his.
you sit there staring at him, your eyes slightly wide and your mouth falling slightly open as more tears dripped from your eyes. you weren't sure how to respond.
"he's right, you know. not...not about the hitting part. or the throwing things at him part. but i think you're keeping everything in because you don't know how to talk about it. so instead of talking about it, you're biting your tongue. what do you think or feel that it's accomplishing?"
"because if i...if i press pause on this here, right now, then i don't have to face the music that i have to spend my pregnancy fighting to save and rebuild my marriage and trying to regain trust in my husband. when i thought about what our life would be like when we were having our first child, it wasn't this. and i...i don't want to be here. in this place. so if i don't talk about it, if i don't confront it, i can push it aside and i can enjoy my first pregnancy the way that i want to." you cry, taking your hand from matt's and clutching the pillow that you'd begun to use as a comfort object.
"i'm so sorry. i don't know how to fix this but i will. i'll wait this time. i'll wait until you trust me again. until you love me again. i'll do whatever it takes just...please, stay" matthew cried, scooting right up next to you and grabbing your face in his hands.
you two had spent the remaining 5 minutes of the session with your foreheads touching as matthew held your face in his hands. a physical representation of his unwillingness to let go of you.
at this point, the therapist was sure that neither of you actually needed couples therapy, but she was fine being the catalyst to having the necessary conversations. often, couples find themselves needing a safe neutral space with a mediator in order to have these productive conversations but as the therapist watched you two cling to each other, she just knew.
you two would not be coming back here.
once you'd left the therapists office, you and matt walked quietly down the sidewalk towards leanne's apartment where you'd been staying recently. neither of you had said anything since you'd left the session, but both of you wanted to say something, tired of sitting in silence all of the time.
"what do you want to name him?" you blurt out, taking a moment to glance up at him before turning your gaze back to the pavement.
matt lets a small smile grace his lips, grateful for the normal topic of conversation.
"we don't know that it's a boy."
"i do."
"you're only 2 months, it's the size of a raspberry."
"he's the size of a raspberry."
"it barely has a nose, let alone reproductive organs!" matt laughs
you smile and shrug your shoulders.
"mothers intution."
"not to say that you're wrong, but i think the ultrasound might tell us before your intuition." matt teases
"you can't even see the ultrasound anyways, so i don't wanna hear it." you chuckle
"fair." he smiles, nodding his head.
you two walk in silence for a moment before you speak up.
"what about jack?"
matt stops, looking over at you.
"you want to...you want to name him after my dad?"
"oh so now you're willing to admit it's a he." you smirk, looking up at him and he just stares at you with a gentle smile.
"i like jack." he agrees, before continuing to walk alongside you.
"me too." you nod.
"you know...i think we're doing pretty well at this being friends thing"
you stay silent, not offering a response as you approached leanne's apartment building where you'd been staying lately.
"want me to walk you up?" matt offers, and you stand there for a moment before shaking your head.
"i want to come home."
"h- you want to come home?" he asks, his tone full of hope and his eyebrows going up in slight shock.
i just nod my head before intertwining my hand in his and continuing our walk down the street. matt stays silent, afraid that if he spoke up that maybe you'd change your mind or let go of his hand. so he walked alongside you, enjoying the moment that you were permitting him.
neither of you had said anything when you approached the apartment building, or when you'd walked into the loft for the first time in two months, or when you'd put on one of his t-shirts and you both crawled into bed.
it wasn't until you were both laying there, unsure of what to do next, that you spoke up.
"i don't want to be friends, matt." you say softly as you turn on your side to face him.
"what?" he asks, furrowing his eyebrows and turning on his side to look at you.
"you said we were good at the being friends thing and i- i don't want that."
matt nods.
"okay. then we won't be. we'll be husband and wife. and i'll regain your trust and i'll rebuild your faith in me, little by little. i'll love you in whatever small doses you allow until i fix this. i'll wait and i'll beg and i'll crawl and i'll do whatever it takes. i love you, y/n. and i'll love you for the rest of my life" he says, reaching out and placing his hand on your cheek, rubbing his thumb across your cheek.
tears cascading down your cheeks, replacing the ones he'd wipe away.
giving him the papers // matt murdock x age gap!reader
summary: out of everything you'd planned for your future with matt, divorce wasn't one of them.
warnings: none? i don't think? matthew is the warning? idk?
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when matt walked into the loft and you weren't there, he'd just about lost his mind. he thought you were gone forever, and he wouldn't blame you for that. he couldn't. he'd dug his own grave. he hadn't bothered unpacking his bags, he just sat on the couch, waiting. hoping and praying harder than he'd ever hoped and prayed that you'd walk through those doors and come home.
home, he'd thought.
what a home you'd created for him.
a home filled with love and comfort and warmth. and then he'd ruined it in a matter of moments, like the desecration of the holiest of churches. now he'd be forced to kneel to prayer on the roughest of hardwood floors. the god he'd begged to grant him the grace of your love would turn his back to the mortal man now begging and pleading for your grace and love and forgiveness once more, yet his eyes turned only to watch you. he watched as you sat there, deflated, on your knees and entirely unsure of wether you should be praying to the god that would ever let this happen to you. unsure of what you'd even be praying for if you were to pray at all.
for a husband who would always be half there? a husband who'd so easily forgotten the woman he'd married and loved the moment he took one step out of your grasp? for a marriage that would always have foundational cracks. you knew you couldn't build a home on cracked foundation, but dear god did you want to.
matthew was everything you'd ever wanted.
was. is.
you weren’t sure anymore. you had no idea what your relationship stood for now. you’d always had trust issues always had each other. always had honesty. and now you had nothing. you were scrambling to pick up any crumb of hope that might’ve sprinkled itself between the cracks in the broken tile on your best friends bathroom floor. and you’d come up empty handed.
a big part of you was angry. so angry at him. you couldn’t understand why he’d do this to you? why he’d let everything fall apart and destroy the beautiful life you two had created with each other? but no one ever asks the snake why it bit them. they tend to the wound.
so that’s what you decided to do. you decided to tend to the wound. it will always be the nature of the snake to bite. there’s no reason in asking redundant questions like “why?”
you picked yourself up off the floor. you took your shower. you did your hair. you put on your outfit. and you went to work.
and that's what you kept doing. day after day. week after week.
and while you carried on, matt waited. waited for divorce papers in the mail. waited for you to come home. waited for you to show up in his office, screaming and shouting at him and trashing his entire office. he waited for anything from you. but nothing came.
until the fourth week.
your heart was pounding and thumping in your chest and you started to feel woozy. you weren't really sure what to do in this moment. this wasn't how you wanted it all to happen, but this is how it was happening. and before anything, you knew you had to tell him before he found out otherwise. because despite what he'd done, it was only right that you told him yourself. he deserved that much.
your hands were shaking as they hovered above the door to the loft. matt could hear you, of course. you figured he could. but he just waited patiently behind the door. he'd never been so nervous in his entire life. he could hear the envelope shifting in your hand, and he had a feeling that he knew what they were. he was waiting for the moment they'd come, but he was happy that you'd brought them to him yourself. happy that he had the opportunity to salvage your love from the mess he'd made.
when you finally gathered the courage to knock, matt waited a moment. hoping that maybe you wouldn't notice that he'd been waiting behind the door this entire time.
"i appreciate the patience and letting me keep my dignity, but i can see your shadow under the door, matt."
matt swore he'd never heard something as beautiful as your voice in that very moment.
you sounded congested. and your voice was hoarse. like you had a cold.
or like you'd spent the morning crying.
"hi" he let out, as he opened the door.
"hi matthew" you nodded, walking past him and into the apartment.
your heart was beating so hard in your chest that he was sure it was about to fall out.
when you'd walked in, you just stood at the end of the hallway for a moment. the memories of the place you once called home bringing a sinking feeling into your chest. and in that sunken pit began a burning fire of rage and disgust.
"so um...h-how are you?" he stutters out
matt wasn't sure he'd ever been this nervous for anything before in his life
"good" you nodded, taking a seat on the couch
matt sat down across from you on the arm chair and you'd both sat in silence for a moment. neither of you knowing how to approach the conversation.
"i'm sor-"
"please don't." you quickly interrupted, shaking your head.
you didn't want him to beg on his knees in front of you. you didn't want him to bow at your feet like he was attending sunday worship and you were the statue of his goddess that he was required to bow in submission to.
"i just...i can't just give in and roll over and give up on us without a fight. i can't do that. i messed up, i know. i really messed up. i took what we had and rubbed it into the ground like a finished cigarette under my foot. you deserved so much more than that. and i'll do whatever i have to do to fix this. to fix us." he pleaded, coming over to you and sitting on his knees in front of you, desperately clutching his hands in yours.
he could hear the envelope that you were still clutching in your hands crumpling beneath his grip. it encouraged him to tighten his hold in hopes that it would destroy the papers you were holding in your hands.
you weren't really sure what to say, and you weren't even sure you could remember how to speak in this moment. you barely knew how to approach this when the man you married wasn't on his knees groveling in front of you, let alone when he is. so you let the papers do the talking.
you pulled one of your hands from his and handed him the envelope, not saying anything.
"baby please-"
"just...please?" your voice quivered and matt could feel you shaking. but he had a sliver of hope that because you hadn't entirely let go of his hands, that maybe this was reparable.
he refused to let go of your other hand while he grabbed the envelope. the envelope wasn't sealed, so he'd just reached in and grabbed the papers. there was only two pages, which made him furrow his eyebrows. divorce papers were never this thin.
"what-"
"can you just...read it please"
he took his hand from yours and reached out to the paper, only to not feel any raised braille, and he chuckled for a moment.
"i know it's been a while but i'm still blind."
shit. you'd forgotten to translate the papers into braille. which means you were forced to tell him. to speak it out loud. to make it real. it was already real, but like...really real. very very real.
"it's okay....you don't have to tell me." matt attempted to console you after hearing how your heartbeat ticked up.
you shook your head, taking a deep breath in and looking down at the papers in his hand.
"no i...i need to. you...it um. i am..."you tried to sputter out, but then you just sighed, tears welling in your eyes.
this wasn't how you wanted this to happen, and it started to make you angry.
"this wasn't how i wanted this to happen." you cried, attempting to control your breathing but not doing a very good job.
matthew got up from the floor in front of you and sat down next to you on the couch as you let yourself sob. let yourself feel it.
"i know baby. i'm so sorry. i want to fix this, please let me fix it." he pleaded softly, reaching out to wipe the tears from your face.
"i want to be angry at you. and i want to hate you. but i don't and i don't think that i can. and when i thought about how our life was going to play out, this wasn't part of the plan. and now i don't know how to do this. i don't know how to tell you. this was never how i wanted this to happen."
"you can tell me baby. it's okay." he nods, wrapping his arm around your waist and wiping the tears from your face with the sleeve of his hoodie.
you reached down, grabbing the papers, staring at them as your tears dripped slowly onto the pages. you couldn't tell him.
so you didn't.
you stood up and grabbed his laptop that was connected to his printer and you printed out the pages from your email. you were determined to do this the way you planned. because you couldn't bring yourself to do it any other way.
matt sat there listening to the pages printing, and listened to you walk back over to the couch, taking a seat next to him.
"here..." you said softly, placing the papers in his lap.
he raised his shaky hands onto the page and began to read, and then his hands stopped.
"what...what is this?"
"please don't...make me say it. please."
his eyebrows furrowed as he kept reading, and then he stopped. his fingers hovering over the words.
"we....it- what?" he breathed out.
"i'm...pregnant."
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BAHAHAHAHA I LOVE A GOOD CLICHE WOOOOO PREGNANCY TROPE (corny i know but i have a plan i promise)
