Oh, uh you have a twin brother?” Joseph asked, unsure of what he was seeing.
His Hinge date, Tyler, in duplicate. The same guy twice. Photocopied completely in the same sheepish smile, bright eyes and facial scruff. Even their identical cut hair was styled in the same exact way, every slightlyu messy strand matching a counterpart on the other.
Aside from the clothes at least. One of the two dressed as he’d met Tyler hours before, patterned button up, casual slacks and new boots. The other though dressed uncharacteristically, wearing a leather jacket and leather pants that seemed built for a larger gruffer man. Not that Tyler’s twin didn’t look stunning in it, just that he seemed to need a belt.
“Twin brother?” the one in the leather jacket apologized, hooking a belt loop on his jeans to adjust their loose fit over a rock-hard erection. “Nah I just have a sister” the other said, adjusting his own slacks for his identically hard monster.
“Uh…. Okay” Joseph said in front of his finished plate of ravioli. He’d sat here for twenty minutes thinking Tyler had dined and dashed. The waitress had looked at him pityingly. He’d been so mad and so sad.
His own erection was uncomfortable in the stupid tight jeans, watching the presumably two Tylers squeezed into their side of the table booth, easily occupying each other’s space. The leather of one’s jacket squeaking against the polymer seats as the other quickly tried to dig into his long cold meal. By the grimace on the guy’s face, the cold steak didn’t hit as hard as it had been twenty minutes ago.
Joseph would feel cold satisfaction if he wasn’t so hypnotized. He shook himself out of it.
“Who is this Tyler? Is this a fucking joke” he nearly shouted. The waitress across the room noticed their strange table, shooting him a bewildered look before cautiously backing away from whatever this was.
Tyler, both of him, had the audacity to look aghast at him for a few moments before they both seemed to realize the same thing.
“Wait how long has it been” the one in leather said, trying to read a clock uselessly on his wrist. It was loosely dangling there, and the man didn’t have a clue on how to adjust it. It was unfortunately pathetically cute.
“At least 15 minutes” the other said thoughtfully chewing, as if reading the time by the lukewarmness of his 40-dollar steak. He looked disappointed at the meal, the same stupid wet cat look of the other on his face.
The took a moment before…. “Sorry” they said in perfect synchrony. The same tone and everything. Even that took them by surprise, the two shooting each other a quick surprised grin before they schooled their expressions back into appropriate sorryness
Joseph’s brain was boiling just trying to think right now.
“Its….fine….I just…” he tried, eyes trying to focus on one Tyler, but unable to linger as he caught the other fidgeting. God Tyler had been distracting, but two were awful. “I don’t know what to even say” he decided
“Uh it took longer than expected” the Tyler in the button up said sheepishly, adjusting his collar. There was dirt on it, Joseph noticed.
“He, I mean uh I guess I, really fought him” the other said, laughing awkwardly, scratching his shadow of facial hair. Taking a bite of the cold steak the other had carefully cut and seeming to experience the same disappointment of the coldness of it. “Its fine though, no one got hurt!”
Fought? They fought? Why? Does fighting take twenty minutes? Why were there two Tylers. Was Joseph dreaming. If he was, they better get to the fun part of it by now rather than this weird trippy part. Where Joseph got dicked down by two copies of a handsome stranger on hinge rather than grappling with the reality of it.
“Its just I, I mean we, after hearing your funny threesome story with your ex” The one in the button up said, desperately explaining as he seemed to watch Joseph reel in his internal spiral of questions. “So I just thought I could make some backup”
“I’m the backup” the other said brightly.
Joseph decided he was dreaming. The ravioli had been suspiciously good for a chain fine dining restaurant. What even was a DJs Eats.
“Alright” Joseph said, staring down the waitress. They understood each other on a level he’d nbever thought he’d achieved in knowing someone for an hour. She subtly mouthed “What the fuck” as she casually handed him a glass of whiskey.
“Oh can I, uh we, have one of those” One of the Tylers chirped up.
“Sure” the Waitress said flatly, before shooting Joseph another look. Two more whiskeys later and Joseph had decided she’d earned her forty percent tip. It was a dream anyways. It had to be.
They sipped their whiskeys, or at least Joseph did. The Tylers didn’t seem to enjoy the drinks, their forced efforts to look like they appreciated the flavor done in reflection before the cold arbitor that was Joseph. God they were dorks and the alcohol already rushing into his brain really calmed the part that was still screaming why over and over.
“So what were we talking about before, the Knicks?” One of them said, the other nodding.
“No” Joseph said, cool confidence from the strong pour of whiskey in his veins. “Explain what you two are? Aliens? Changelings? Backup how? Is this my subconcious punishing me for watching that twin porno?” he said, almost calmly.
The two seemed to light up at that last part, a manic glint in their matching crazy perfect eyes. “You like twins?” They said, as if they’d just lucked into a winning gamble.
“Focus please” he said, sinking down into his plastic booth cushions.
“Uh I guess I’m a clone” the one in the leather jacket said, not unsubtly adjusting his leather pants again. He nudged the other who was also mirroring him, trying to adjust his own far too tight boxers, clearly peaking out under his shirt. “This guy was kind enough to help me come into myself. You know like be a better man and stuff”
“Some pathetic neo-Nazi skinhead-type tried to come onto me in the bathroom” the other said helpfully, stretching his arms back from his painfully clearly erect cock and smoothly wrapping an arm around the other’s neck in clear affection. “He seemed miserable so I thought I’d cut the guy a break. Sucks being a cunt, so I gave him the chance to not be one?”
“Eh we might still be cunts” the one in the leather jacket said apologetically, shrugging at Tyler. Was that self-awareness?
“So, what happened…..” Tyler digested, lightly swirling the ice in his whiskeyless glass, “is you gave a man you’re body after he tried to grope you? In the bathroom of a DJ Eats.”
“Yeah, sorry about this place, the area seems oddly conservative now that we are here” the one in the patterned shirt said, looking around the place. To be fair, it was a steak house.
“You were pretty much correct though, although its not just the body” The one in the jacket said, seeming now just to be self-consciously checking the patches on his jacket and inspecting them for dog whistles. The guy would get away Scott free on it though. Joseph had been eyeing him up and down. He hadn’t seen any swastikas, lightning bolts or 1488s on the guy’s nicely creased leather. Just rock bands and motorcycle clubs hung off the creases shaping around Tyler’s well-formed arms.
The other patted his twin. “This guy’s me completely. Took out all the creepy stuff and stuffed myself inside. My little bro!” He said, winking at Joseph.
God he was hard and now he was sure the Tylers thought he got off to that sibling dynamic.
“So, you just completely overwrote some guy” Joseph said, watching the supposedly elder Tyler jokingly noogie his twin brother. Joseph could appreciate the attempt at playing up the dynamic with the goal of turning him on, given that’s what they were doing. Why was he into the weirdest shit.
“Yeah, Its like bodyswapping man” One said with, unsatisfied with leaving questions unseeded.
“Just like bodyswapping the other agreed.
“Obviously” Joseph said, hoping the waitress could read his mind again and supply him with more liquid sanity.
“Yeah, we discovered it what… like freshman year of college” One said toi the other.
“Yeah, in the dorm when we’d tried to take over Franco’s body. Hiccuped on the transfer and suddenly I’d left a copy of myself in Franco”
“Took a while to figure out shaping bodies though”
“Yeah, this is actually the first time we’ve gone so far”
“Don’t think its reversible:
“Ok you two I get it”, Joseph said, trying to fight a grin a tweedle dee and tweedle dum. God the two were so corny, bickering. By all means this was a bit, Joseph wanted to say. It wasn’t though. “So you two are warlocks-“
“Eh kind of, but anyone can do what we do it just takes breathing exercise-“
“Warlocks” Joseph continued. “Warlocks who wanted to impress me by eating some creep and popping out a twin so I could fuck two of you”
The Tylers nodded. One gave a thumbs up.
“This is insane” Joseph sighed, watching their expressions fall for a moment before he put a hand up to pause them in their collective disappointment.
“Doesn’t mean I hate it” He said, leaning on the table. Enough to taste the whiskey coming off from them. The two Tylers seemed to wobble, clearly lightweights. They leaned forward as if Joseph was a magnet with stupid cute grins. Joseph could barely think at the overpowering idea of him sandwiched by the two handsome jesters. Curiosity had come with the booze though and this dream could get better.
“You talk about this shit like its easy. Show me” He said.
The two glanced at each other before their grins covered their face. God he could already imagine the wet spot in the two’s pants with the imagination so clearly visible in their all too expressive eyes.
“Like we change you into us or-“
“Or three minds, one body fuck-“
“Boys” He said, and they quieted, instantly. God they were like puppies, so ready to please.
“Show me how to do it” he demanded, leaning forward enough to kiss the one in front of him. He must’ve, given the way that Tyler blushed and the other seemed elated. God he was drunk.
“Theres that bar with a lot of shitheads” One nearly shouted in ramping excitement.
“What is it Satan’s Anus or something” the other thought, although he was already clumsily typing it into google maps. “3-minute walk, thank god.” He said, the other doing his part by waving over the waitress who seemed ready to shove a bill into his hands. It seemed expensive, but neither noticed. Had Joseph drunk more than one whiskey? Either ways, drunk hands worked the apple pay. Joseph shrugged at the waitress after and was hurt to see the women look at him as if he was now part of this supernatural occurrence. No longer someone to commiserate with, now he was the loony toon.
“Trust me its so easy” One said, pulling him out the door of DJ Eats fine dining. The other practically hung off Joseph as they tumbled away, likely the one he’d kissed. He couldn’t tell who was who even with their different clothes. They were too much in motion.
He’d hold them down soon and make them messy enough to differentiate. Hell maybe two of him could work together to figure it out. Wasn’t that a funny thought.
The three of them fell into the night.
Joseph awoke to a body beside him.
A body that wasn’t the triplets unconscious around him, with their scruff and overly hot bodies befitting of their wild energy. Even in sleep they seemed manic, twitching and cuddling into him.
It wasn’t their bright eyes that looked back at Joseph bleerily, recounting the same night. A bar bathroom. A fight. A long walk on too many feet, wearing clothes that didn’t fit. Hands on himself and hands on Tyler. Long showers, too full of bodies trying to wash off the exercise of so many bodies in the same bed. It was a big bed. Comfy. Comfy more so with so many warm blankets of men.
Joseph looked at himself.
“Fuck it wasn’t a dream” One of them said.
“Hell no it wasn’t” another voice said from aways the room. Another Joseph in nothing but a apron by the bedroom door. Looking all the world pissed that he was standing there while they slept. A greasy spatula in hand. The sound and smell of eggs in the room over.
They both stared agape at their clone.
“Get over it you two, there’s enough of us that we’re already out of ingredients. Y’all slept in so you get to go buy more. Now get dressed and get going fuckers. Seems like Tyler can’t cook for shit, so we’re working double duty.”
Joseph could hear other voices outside the bedroom. His voice. Largely. Duplicated too many times over.
This was insane. Insane. A insane dream.
He felt the insanity inside him, burbling in easy waves under his skin. It was easy, just like Tyler said it was. Ready to warp and shift as he needed. As he plural needed.
“Guess we got to get going Joe”
“Good initiate boys” their apron self said with a narcissistic grin. “Let’s feed those dorks, lord knows the Tylers doubled themselves far more than us. Get ready for a long long weekend. We’ve earned it. And if you pick up any more Joes at the grocery store, buy extra food and don’t tell Tyler. Man is competitive with this shit”
“Okay” Joseph sighed into his double, nearly waking a Tyler.
This was insane. Curled up beside himself, staring in sync at a particularly adorable Tyler. Cloned countless times over. An entire dive bar worth of bodies now in Tyler’s generously sized loft.
Altogether a good first date though.
