opinions and rants from a horror fanatic

Basically going to rip most horror movies I have seen into shreds or sing their praises. Want to find something in particular? Search bar is at the top left.

[munginghell]

Who would like a comeback from me?

[munginghell]

What became of you? Used to love reading your reviews. Concise and raw. Loved em

I've just been overwhelmed lately but I am gonna be back tonight. Got a few I want to rip open!

[munginghell]

I need to return.

[munginghell]

Are people still interested in reading movie reviews?

I lost my motivation. All seems so quiet out there.

[munginghell]

Don’t Breathe (2016) 

Not fucking bad, not bad at all.

I’m not going to sit and say this was the Blair Witch of our generation but on a cinema screen this film works well. I wouldn’t recommend watching this on a shitty little screen or it wouldn’t have the same effect.

I watched Hush and was bored to tears and with a pretty similar concept, I did expect this movie to soothe me to sleep as well. However, with a gin in my mind and an optimistic mind I was pleasantly surprised by the intense feeling this movie manages to create. It’s a very constant feeling of claustrophobia, I didn’t find the jumps to be cheap nor the main villain to be an utter fuckwit.

You have to be a pretty fucking dark human being to steal in general never mind stealing off an elderly blind man. I judged the main characters from the get go for this very premise. From the beginning I am thinking, I actually fucking hope this geezer turns round and shoots them all in the face for being such arrogant little assholes. 

ANYWAYS, they break in and quickly shit goes sour. It doesn’t cut any corners in getting into some hardcore tension and I really didn’t feel this drop throughout the entire film which is rare. The main characters were alright, they try to make you feel sorry for the trailer trash girl but I don’t think they laid it on thick enough for anyone to give too much of a shite about what happens to her. Braidilocks was a cunt from his first scene and I hated the other little twat because he was a black hearted little sod exploiting his poor Dad. With all of this in mind, compared to most characters in horror/thrillers these days, they really ain’t that bad.

The entire film is an obvious cat and mouse chase with a decent twist or two in between. I mainly enjoyed this movie for the atmosphere it created, the word I used earlier was intense because it perfectly fits watching this on the big screen. Unfortunately this movie will have nowhere near the same effect on even a decently sized television screen. I wouldn’t rate it in the heavens but it wouldn’t get my usual low rating that most modern horror seems to acquire from me, it’s a good film but absolutely nothing new or ground breaking. 

The plot of children robbing a blind veteran sounded like it was just another You’re Next or Hush but for me, it worked a lot better than other films of that nature and created a much more heightened sense of drama happening in a compact environment.

If you are going to go see this - get your ass to the cinema or it won’t be worth it.

6/10

[munginghell]

#Horror (2015)

This could easy rate as one of the biggest piles of cowshit I have ever seen in my entire life. Saying this consider Chloë Sevigny is in this is quite the statement as she’s one of my favourite actresses of all time. In her defence - she gave as much to her role as possible and it didn’t really set her up with a fighting chance.

The movie starts with Chloë Sevigny’s husband cheating on her so I instantly hate this film as who the fuck would cheat on her?! Answer is nobody, not one person who is deemed as sane, ever. Her part is minor in this unfortunately for my eyes and the purpose of distracting me from how dire the movie is. 

The film is focusing on a group of bratty 12 year olds who you immediately hate and want to die. Within 5 minutes I was praying for some machete yielding manic to come and hack them all to pieces - don’t judge me for saying that until you’ve watched this the entire way through. They’re all bullying eachother with obvious insults such as the fat girls weight, such imagination. They’re having a sleepover and the one who’s invited the new girl they talk about as though she’s a saint but as the movie progresses she’s actually bat shit insane and don’t recall her saying one nice word so not quite sure what happened with that slight deviation of the character traits. The Mother (blessed Chloë) leaves them with free reign of the huge house, alcohol collection and her millions of pounds worth of jewellery to try on. The maid has disappeared to god knows where and apparently nobody thought to keep her in for when the group of 12 year olds are going to be flying solo. At one point and I shit you not they’re all posing with a gun and uploaded it to Facebook like #lookatme diediediediediediedie.

They all decided to stick to bullying two of the girls and tell one she has to leave. The rest act as though they’re terrified of this notion for some reason but she eventually runs into the local woods and thank fuck as she was getting on my tits. Her Dad is screening her calls which I completely understand as if that thing belonged to me I would be doing exactly the same if she tried to contact me. “I can’t even see right now wahhhhh” Shut up it’s fucking daylight you ridiculous little gonk.

As the 12 year olds are getting white girl wasted, lost girls Daddy comes and has a complete melt down which isn’t scary in the slightest it just makes you raise your eyebrows a bit as to how bad is this actually going to get, absent mindedly moving the mouse to see how long is left of this garbage. It’s impressive how many times “you should go and kill yourself” is said. One time is actually from wandering brats Father to the children inside the house. Again, sort of agree. 

There’s some art on the wall which the camera moves to a few times which looks like Marilyn Monroe with an egg replacing her face and when the camera is on that, the yolk rotates. I have no idea what the relevance of this is. 

I DON’’T UNDERSTAND THE RELEVANCE OF THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE.

BAD.

2/10 - one for Chloë Sevigny and one for Natasha Lyonne featuring a small part.

[munginghell]

Finders Keepers (2014)

This is definitely one of those films you know is going to be that shit it’s good from the word go. I saw the doll on the poster and I absolutely could not resist giving it a watch to see how terrible it was. Have to say - still a damn sight better than Annabelle and cost probably about 1/10th of the budget.

Police charge into a house when nobody is answering the front door, doesn’t explain how they knew to go to the house and I find it questionable they just walked in after one knock. Poor bastards could have just been having a good fuck upstairs. Found it great when the policewoman called for back up and instantly this one man shoots up beside her to offer no help whatsoever. 

I hate the lead characters, typical suburban mother with a bad haircut and a demonic child who is obviously psychic as well as an utter little cuntrag. Tiny Satan immediately knows “something happened here” and you’re already pretty aware that the level of suspense in this film isn’t exactly going to be higher than waiting for your face mask to dry so you have the joy of trying to peel it off in one go. (Yes, I was also doing this as watching this).

Child finds creepy voodoo doll under an unlocked grate in her bedroom, what are the chances of that hey? Literally acknowledges the doll with “oh” as if you find this sort of thing all of the time. Mother brings it on herself if you ask me as she forces them both to recite a creepy ass prayer before sleeping which is just looking to invoke all kinds of unsettled paranormal ruckus. After like, a day, the kid is possessed and the psychiatrist manages to work out she has no remorse and psychopathic after just one meet, how talented! 

I swear to God as well, the child screams the entire duration of the fucking movie and if I was the Mother, I would be looking to get rid of the loud child as well as the doll that likes to stab people for the sake of my up and coming migraine. Get a quieter one or something. Her husband who she’s going through a divorce with - if anyone can tell me what he’s trying to do with his voice I would be grateful for any insight to that. To me he sounded like he was trying to go for Darth Vadar. He’s apparently hell bent on getting bowl cut back but then we discover he’s fucking someone from the office who comes across as just a slight bunny boiler - quite enjoyed mini Lucifer throwing some shade at her. 

It was fucking brilliant when at one point someone’s had her eyes gouged out and set on fire, burned until she literally resembled some sticky ribs and bowl cut is shaking her like “Hi, you ok?” “Can you hear me?” - bitch the BBQ’d lady is ready to be skewered not rise from the fucking dead.

The moral of this film judging from the end is that there’s really nothing like the possession of your child to fix a marriage. 

I am all over the sequel if there’s going to be one.

3/10

[munginghell]

The Forest (2016)

I would rather peel a raw onion and squeeze the juices into my eyes than watch recent horror movies coming out of Hollywood at the moment. WHY DO YOU STILL HAVE NO IMAGINATION AND JUST RELY ON CHEAP SHITTY JUMP SCENES WITH WANK PLOTS?!

Okay. GRR.

Random lady gets a casual phone call advising her sister has gone into the suicide forest and it’s been 48 hours so she’s presumed as a suicide and they’re not going to look for her. Absolutely fuck all background into any character at this point so I don’t know them from Adam. 

The twin sister goes out to find her sister in Japan and instead of heading right to the mission, goes for some sushi and is that arsed about her quest is more bothered that the fish she’s been given is raw. Fuck off. In her dreams she sees a ghoul child in her tent which is cheap jump #1 and to me, fuck all relevance to the audience as we still have no background which to me, is vital when you want someone to be truly on the edge wondering what’s happening. 

Obviously the main as a blonde, her twin who’s gone to apparently kill herself is dark haired and gothic looking as we clearly don’t want to be too stereotypical do we. Flashbacks contain her sister giving her a vase and saying “Grandpa’s in there” so blondie opens it, revealing he is not and laughs heartily. What a laugh. She finally starts having a deek for her sister at a local place (no idea what it was as I had sort of switched off by this point) and the woman indicates her sister is downstairs. Blondie walks down to the basement of corpses and in true fashion to what we see so far is more offended by the smell than the fact her sister could be one of the rotting deceased found in the forest. Surprised she’s not taking a fucking selfie at this point.

She meets a guy in a bar and after telling him her life story ignites a “cheers” over a beverage, cheers to what love? The fact your twin is probably hanging off a tree? He ends up taking her into the forest with an experienced ranger, after a painful journey (for me not them) they find sisters tent and she wants to stay, fair enough. She’s happy to find the tent.... alarm bells. An empty tent in the suicide forest, are you thick? 

When she sees her first shit ghoul, she tells the guy who she was warned off (cassanova from the bar) in a dead dramatic way, “I saw this girl last night...” as she clicked cassanova was who she was warned off the best she could come up with when he said “what did she say?” was “she said something in japanese.” Seriously. SERIOUSLY. You could have made up something like, she wanted to knife me and fuck the remains.

The rest of the movie is probably too pitch black to see anything as they’ve gone for the angle of it’s really dark so lets just have random people who look like Chucky pop up occasionally. 

Ending makes no sense, the plot is incredibly weak and I am angered yet again by the sheer shit that’s being released onto cinema at the moment.

Aokigahara is interesting, it’s real and in reality; fucking terrifying. How can you mess up this movie so badly? 

No.

2/10

[munginghell]

The Boy (2016)

I thought to myself, finally someone out there is making a movie on something which is an incredibly common phobia, this is going to be AMAZING! How wrong was I.

After watching this movie I asked my partner what would she do in the females position of having to look after the porcelain Momma’s boy, she replied “shave him and put lipstick on him” - I found this response better than watching the entire movie. I don’t recall one part of this film which I sat an thoroughly enjoyed. So if he had been shaved and made up, maybe then I would have had that slight bit of entertainment.

So we start off and the obviously attractive babysitter girl rocks up at obviously isolated house and an obviously good looking guy is there to greet here, what a fucking groundbreaking start! She walks into the strangers house even though they haven’t even came down to greet her which in my opinion is just damned bad manners so I’m already sat hoping potfingers fucks her up a bit for being so stereotypical. 

The couple she’s working for come downstairs and lo and behold as if the title didn’t give it away, it’s not a child..........it’s a fucking doll. I have to say as well the creepy doll bears resemblance to an 8 year old peadophile. She gets a set of rules which you can see her already disregarding inside her head as she’s taught how to put a doll in PJs and tuck it up for the night, at this point I would have been ordering Dominos and a truck tonne of movies on the sly for the easy time ahead. 

There’s an attic. As if this movie couldn’t be anymore fucking original - we now have a mysterious attic where the audience is supposed to wonder what happens beyond the ladder! I did not, I wondered when is this going to end as I can feel my mind thinking about going back to the Indian takeaway I’ve left downstairs for morning.  I mean she ends up going to explore the attic NAKED, as if I couldn’t be more frustrated at how unoriginal this is, like a lot of other current horrors it has quickly gone down the road to try and make you focus on the potential tits rather than how fucking bored you are by the plot.

I’d wrote a decent amount of things to comment on for after the film but truth be told - all I can say to truly summarise it would be Hollywood horror. The jumps are cheap, the twists are obvious and Brahms (child) just turns into more of a pervert as the movie progresses. If the girl was feeling that fucked up by what was happening surely you’d just get a heavy object and smash his porcelain face in? Well, being quicker about doing this anyways. (OOPS spoiler alert, but if you hadn’t seen that coming then I’m going to guess you’re someone who watched this and thought it was pure golden). 

If you ask me, all Brahms wanted was a bit of action judging by him acting like a randy teenager during the movie, even encased in a pot shell there was no stopping the lad from trying to scope her in the shower. Gotta give it to him for that I guess.

Terrible. Avoid. Stay clear.

2/10

[munginghell]

Does anyone know of any horrors they think I would give over a 6/10?

Sick of this shit I keep finding!

[munginghell]

The Green Inferno (2013)

I wanted to see this since it began to crop up on the internet as an upcoming movie, taken me long enough to locate it and now I don’t really know how I feel. Maybe a bit visually raped. 

This has such a fucking weak beginning, like what is the relevance to the blonde bimbo being around and literally has no point to the rest of the movie whatsoever. Apart from being one of those cunts who says “Hey, wait a second” as you’re about to leave then instead of giving the burning words, says “never mind.” You never find out, I doubt it was Oscar worthy or chocolate filled coins worthy but still fucking irritating.

Also I did not have any forewarning about the genital mutilation in this movie, well almost. Like if movies are going to do this to me can you PLEASE advertise it better so I can avoid at all costs because it makes me want to die.

OKAY. So freshman lady spots this activist guy and seems that he tickles her fancy as she instantly becomes a fully interested activist and thinks fuck it I’ll go risk my life in the middle of fuck knows where with all of these random people that think I’m a sheltered suburban fool. I mean she’s even on the wrong side of the leader because his girlfriend has clicked on that our lovely freshman wants to suck his dick resulting in her attendance. These people scream out virgin sacrificing cult at all times.

Really brilliant and wise idea taking these rich white kids out to a deprived area, not asking to be noticed in the slightest are we. One even shouts in clear earshot about child abuse seeing a family carting their trike on a bicycle, skills on how to not get killed are just seriously flawless guys. 

Everything is just painfully obvious and this movie relies 90% on gore, which is actually done extremely well. There’s an eye scene and it’s captured perfectly as if you can watch it without looking away or squirming then maybe you should go join that tribe as you clearly belong there. I mean they just fuck off their belongings and go straight into the jungle unarmed, is anyone really shocked when the plane crashes and they end up in a bucket load of shit? Quite literally when one of them also explodes from the anus which was one of many “and the point of this scene is?” moments. I don’t need to see that in my life you trash.

I did like the nice man who looked like a bumble bee and seemed to be the go to guy if you wanted a body part hacked off for supper, he seemed like he could have moonlighted as a MUA. Had his contours down to a tee. Most of them reacted more offended by the poo scene than seeing eachother being led off one by one for torture, again I will say all of the gore scenes were fucking brutal and do give many points for those. 

Some parts are just a bit fucking stupid, one guy actually has a wank after seeing one of them just being like fuck this and slicing her neck open. Really, a wank. I’m all for the activity but there’s a time and a place and that was not where I imagine I would be feeling the moment can take me. They get the tribe stoned as an escape plan, again I’m not feeling the genius in this bunch? Dare I also mention none think to ever remove their luminous yellow suits, would have thought that would have been a pretty logical thing to do during an escape attempt....

I could think of better holidays than being ditched in a jungle and eaten by demonic smurfs.

5/10

[munginghell]

Antichrist (2009)

If I could convey deep, passionate hatred into a review then this would be the movie I would make the most effort with doing so. This may be due to a rather large genital mutilation phobia I have as to why I want this movie to die. Not a quick painless death but a slow death surrounded by pain and tiny elves slicing into it with miniature machetes. 

It took me a long time to watch this because of the scene with the scissors which is my worst nightmare so I was hoping at least the movie around it would be AMAZING so I could forget that I’ve just seen some nutjob hack into her happy place with a rusty blade. Unfortunately for me the movie was slow, pretentious and somewhat painful to watch so I had to watch this dragged out “art” and endure a lovely build up to that scene. 

So, the beginning, I’m sorry but even I would have to say that I would probably stop having sex no matter how close I was to an orgasm if I saw my child teetering towards a massive fuck off open window stories high above ground. She seems to have her priorities in all the wrong,massively hedonistic places and her son goes splat on the pavement outside as she gets her orgasm. It didn’t even look like a leg shaker so I’m not at all shocked she couldn’t justify such selfish pleasures after indulging at her sons expense. Daft cunt.

The rest of the movie is basically watching how their grief unfolds and how she becomes even more of an irritating psychopath who should have been pushed out of the window shortly afterwards. I don’t know how he copes with her, he spends the film as a therapist remaining calm looking for ways to make the pain more endurable which made him only mildly less annoying. I do feel for the guy because I wouldn’t fuck her if she paid me in gold shitting leprechauns, even before she went into that deep depression. My notes from this movie were very much along the lines of “I wish she would suffer silently and fully clothed” as that’s all i could focus on. Nothing about the plot line had me hooked to the screen, I was more wistfully looking into my constantly emptying wine glass.

I found this really fucking pretentious. I do not understand the hype. I get that there are probably lots of hidden meanings beyond the main plot but I was distracted from these by sheer fucking boredom. It’s on so many “top ten sickest lists” and I had seen rave reviews so I thought fuck it, I can just hopefully one day erase the mutilation scene from my memory as they must be saying it’s all this for a reason. It’s not. I wanted so much more from this, the characters did nothing to make me feel any emotional attachment and the build up for the 10 minute bit of action at the end was just far too fucking tedious.

Seriously avoid this piece of shit. I cannot express how much I regret watching this movie. 

1/10

[munginghell]

REVIEWING.

Tonight.

Pick me something good to review guys.

[munginghell]

There's a few reviews of yours I disagree with, but I lean that to me generally trying to be more optimistic about the shit cinema we have these days. But your Babadook review was so refreshing. Everyone I know fucking raves about it, some saying it's their favourite film of the year!? What the hell are they watching that I'm not...

Hey I’m all up for a different opinion, it would be weird if someone agreed with every review I posted! I’m negative solely when I see a lack of imagination or a fantastic concept which has been poorly executed due to playing it safe. Babadook can go suck a tit, seriously I gave it 3 shots and just no, bored me shitless.

[munginghell]

The Babadook (2014)

So looking at other reviews people have really rated this and I’ve literally sat and watched it 3 times before reviewing. 2 of those times I fell asleep half way through. This time, I had wine and I felt determined.

The kid is a bit of a LAD wanting to smash the heads in of things that haunt him at night by my lord this bloody urchin needs discipline in his life. A lot of people seem to deem him as different and when you really observe his behaviour are you fucking surprised? The mum is a wet lettuce and yes I know she has lost her husband and yada yada but get your shit together cause I was not seeing parenting at its best. 

The house for a kick off is bloody depressing, it’s like she’s just painted the entire thing blue and enlisted tiny violins to play whenever either enter a room to clarify what unfortunates they are. She finds a book, or rather sprog does and it opens up a can of shit which terrifies the kid even more of ghouls in the night, I mean the book displays a kid in the corner looking like it’s shitting itself I think that was an indication to say “and they all lived happily ever after NIGHT”. Instead she leaves the petrified child after this story and goes for a wank. During said wank I have to sympathise with the woman as he storms in mid cum saying there’s someone in his room, i would personally just put a lock on my door. 

Obviously she leads a soul destroying life and then this babadook or whatever the fuck it is begins to get inside her the more she starts believing in it, her only source of support is her friend/sister/fuck knows who is an absolute cunt. The daughter of said sister is also a child that needs a fucking timeout after telling the kid his dad isn’t around so he’s weird, don’t really blame the lad for pushing her out of the treehouse.

I think the situation in this movie could have been resolved with a strong gin as well. I mean, she’s at her wits end and well my train of thought led to gin because I was so fucking bored so this could have also helped her perhaps? I don’t get the rave reviews, I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t jumping and I wasn’t really thinking beyond what I was seeing as to why it was happening. I wanted more from this movie, I was expecting creepy and really fucking scary but instead I just got a woman who was just going a bit mental and should probably have not been left with a child in her care during such state? 

I am literally beginning to despair at horror within our generation.

3/10

[munginghell]

Knock Knock (2015)

Well I had heard this was a big bag of shit and guess what it turned out to be? A massive bag of shit.

I couldn’t find this for a while and now I feel like it was a sign that I was never meant to spend over 90 minutes of my life wasted on this absolute dickhead of a movie. Keanu, just what are you doing with your film career? It was bad enough you looked a stones throw from Chewbacca in this without even watching this monstrosity. 

Starts off with the perfect family scenario to the degree where there’s a really fucking creepy family portrait in the hall which keeps being focused upon, I imagine this is supposed to just solidify to the audience how much of a tight family they are. To be fair on the lad his kids did come into his room and push cake in his face which to me warrants the little cunts being drowned but that’s just me. Blondie and the kids are off to somewhere I don’t give a fuck about anyways because apparently Daddy has to work and that’s where the movie just dies. Wait, was it even alive to start with? Questionable.

He opens the door at a ridiculous hour to two girls who look like they’ve been at a wet tshirt competition in Hooters and then lets them into his home which is obviously a fucking marvellous idea. Especially as one has a very fucking annoying habit of chewing gum really blatantly. I’m surprised the family portrait didn’t serve as a burglar alarm in itself if I’m completely honest. They’ve both obviously got no phones and desperately need a computer which in this day and age is legit as everyone is obsessed with social media. If that was me I would have been like ok charge your phone then fuck off out of my house and find your own cab, not give them towels and let them look through my home. I’m really waiting here for something, it’s been 30 mins into the movie and all I’m seeing so far is two girls attempting a cock tease on this guy and he’s not exactly putting up a fight. 

SHOCK - he fucks them. It turns out they’re psycho bitches and now they’re on a mission to ruin his life. I mean these girls are sort of like those girls you pick up on a night out and in the morning just don’t get the hint to leave but to an extreme degree. Personally I would have called the police immediately when they started eating my food but obviously Keanu has no balls. He literally does not own one set of balls throughout this movie, he doesn’t put up much of a fight and it may not come as a surprise that you don’t really give a fuck about what happens to him by the end of the movie because at this point all you care about is the movie ending. I feel like this was meant to shock people but it failed on every level possible. 

Also I note she wrote on the mirror “it’s not a dream” (or something similar) and her shirt at the end says “it is a dream”, I’m assuming are supposed to be some mystical hidden message I am supposed to wonder about but I really wish the fact I have just wasted my life on this shit was just a dream.

Fuck off to this movie.

2/10 

[munginghell]

You're not fat you're fucking gorgeous. Like seriously. Great tits, great body, stunning eyes, freckles, black hair (and if not, ginger <3), fair skin...! You're perfect!

Aww thank you whoever you are, always embrace the ginger!!! Or completely cover it with black dye, either works ha. Most kind of you though anon!