Movin' in With Quagmire: Ch. 3 and 4
Ch. 3: Jerk With a Heart of Gold
Brian was in the dark in his hospital room, feeling miffed at Peter.
"Ugh, that damn Peter," Brian said to himself, "I hope he has gotten his karma."
A minute later, the Griffins came back in for another visit.
"Hey Brian," Peter said, enthusiastically, "Feeling any better?"
Brian responded bitterly, "Does it look like I'm feeling any better?"
"Cheer up, Brian," Lois said, trying to lighten the mood, "We all came to visit you."
"And I know what will make you feel better," Peter added.
"Everyone thought I was Miley Cyrus," Peter began, "And they gave me autographs and a bunch of hugs, too!"
Brian replied sarcastically, "Oh well good for you."
"Come on, Brian," Lois said, "Peter was just trying to make you feel better."
Brian replied, "Look, maybe I would feel better if you just pay for my surgery and rehab!"
Lois then said, "Brian, I must agree with Peter. We can't waste our money on someone who isn't a human. We need that money to repair that hole in our house."
Feeling both heartbroken and pissed, Brian responded, "Not paying for me to get new teeth is one thing, but not paying for me to get back on my feet is a whole different story."
"Brian, look on the bright side," Meg suggested, "At least you're still alive."
"Actually," Brian began, "I'd be lucky to NOT be alive. In fact, I really do wish I stayed dead when I got killed off or just put down because none of you seem to care about me. You are just nothing but insensitive assholes!"
Quagmire, who was outside and able to hear the conversation, wondered to himself, "Is that the Griffins I hear? I think I should say hi to them."
Entering the room, he said, "Hey guys what's shake- HOLY CRAP, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, BRIAN?!"
Brian answered, reluctantly, "It's a long story."
"What are you doing here, Glenn?" Lois asked.
Quagmire answered, "I just came here because I heard that the female vets are hot."
Lois then said, "That's kind of perverted."
"But that's what I am," Quagmire replied, "A pervert," and trying to change the subject he asked, "What happened to Brian?"
Peter answered, "Oh nothing, it's not a big deal. I was just swinging on a wrecking ball having a little fun."
Brian then yelled, "YEAH, YOUR FUN IS WHAT GOT ME IN THIS CONDITION IN THE FIRST PLACE AND NONE OF YOU BASTARDS ARE HELPING ME!" And beginning to cry, he said, "You are so insensitive. I just can't live with you bastards anymore. I am in misery. There ain't nobody who can comfort me. My whole body hurts, hell, even my fur hurts, but the worst part is that I will be in this condition for the rest of my life because I cannot get surgery or any physical therapy."
"Look at it this way, Brian," Chris said, "At least you have a good excuse to be lazy and pee on the floor."
"I agree," Stewie said, "Haven't you always wanted to piss on the floor without getting in trouble?"
This only made Brian feel worst. "That does not make me feel any better." He continued to cry uncontrollably.
Surprisingly feeling concerned, Quagmire said to the Griffins, "Okay, I know this is hypocritical since me and Brian are sworn enemies, but how could you do this to him?! I know I have done stuff to him before, but never would I do something this atrocious! First you knock out his teeth and now this? I may be a pervert, but I know pretty damn well how to help someone in need. Hell, I once helped Meg stand up to a bully before and I was the one who paid for Brian's new teeth."
"But didn't you knock them out again?" Stewie pointed.
"Yes," Quagmire said, "But that was just because Brian tricked me into buying a crappy condo, look, I really don't want to talk about that situation."
"Why did you knock out his teeth again?" Chris asked him and Quagmire said, rather irritated,
"I told you not to bring it up!"
"No you didn't. You told Stewie."
"Well what I told Stewie applies to everyone else. I don't want to talk about the situation, so do me a favor and leave me alone about it."
To Brian, who was still in tears, yet finally calming down, Quagmire said, rather sympathetically, "Brian, even though we are enemies and been through so much in the past, I just want to let you know that I am here for you and I am going to help you though this because this is something that I wouldn't wish upon anyone, not even my enemies. I will take care of you. In fact, you can even stay with me at my place . . . if you like."
Feeling touched, Brian replied, "Wow, Quagmire. You are willing to help me when I am this hurt? Why haven't I seen this before? Also, I would love to stay with you. Hopefully, this will teach my family a lesson."
"Let's hope so," Quagmire said, "I hope they enjoy not having a dog."
Peter then said, "That's cool. I don't need a dog as long as I have fans."
"Um, fans?" Quagmire questioned, "What fans?"
Lois explained, "People think that he is Miley Cyrus."
"Oh, I see," Quagmire said, "Well, I'm not dumb enough to think that Peter is Miley."
Lois then said, "I've been telling Peter to change his hair back, but he won't listen."
"Because it's changed my life," Peter replied, with enthusiasm, "I am so famous now."
"His ego really needs feeding," Lois said, to Quagmire, rather annoyed.
"I see that," Quagmire replied.
Ch. 4: A new chapter in life
Brian had undergone his first surgery and had five more to go. He was still in a full body cast, only this time, he was also in a motorized wheelchair. Quagmire, who had paid for Brian, drove him to the Griffins' now half destroyed house, got his stuff packed, and drove him to his house.
At the Griffins' house, Lois said, to the family, "Well, Brian's gone now, so things are going to be different."
Stewie then said, "Are we getting another dog?"
"Sadly, we can't afford it right now," Lois said, "First we have to pay to have this hole in our home repaired and for Peter to get his hair changed back."
Peter then said, "Says the same woman who looks like a carrot head."
"Oh," Lois added, "I almost forgot. We also have to pay for Peter to get mental help."
At Quagmire's house, Quagmire helped Brian into his bed.
"Thanks for doing this for me," Brian said.
"It was nothing," Quagmire replied, "Now; it's time to take your medicine."
He pulled out an oxycodone and a slice of a hot dog and stuffed the pill into the hot dog. He then gave the hot dog to Brian, who ate it.
Quagmire then petted Brian. "Good boy," he said and Brian replied,
"That's the first time you ever called me that. It's almost as if we went from being enemies to close friends."
"Well, it sure feels like it," Quagmire said, "We have started a new chapter in our lives."
"I agree," Brian replied, "Our hatred is history."
"It feels like I've reunited with an old friend," said Quagmire.
"Same," Brian said, "We started off as friends, then hated each other, and now we are friends again."
And he was right. Quagmire took care of Brian by: giving him his medication, feeding him, and siting on his bed side. Every night, Quagmire slept with Brian, to make sure that he was okay.
Four days later, Quagmire checked on Brian, once again.
"Hey Brian," Quagmire said to the dog, "How are you feeling?"
Brian answered, "Miserable. I'm tired of being confined to this damn bed."
Feeling sorry for Brian, Quagmire responded, "I know it's tough and I really wish that I could take away your pain."
"Thank you for your sympathy," Brian said.
"It's nothing," Quagmire replied, "I think what you need is to get out of the house. Maybe we can grab a drink."
"But I am in a full body cast," Brian pointed, "I can't move."
Quagmire then suggested, "How about I carry you. After all, you are a dog so you shouldn't be too hard to carry."
"Are you sure?" Brian asked and Quagmire said, "Just trust me."
So Quagmire carried Brian into his car, brought his wheelchair and drove to the Drunken Clam. When they entered people stopped and stared, but were doing it out of sympathy rather than pity.
"Is that your dog?" Asked a chick with long platinum blonde hair.
"Yes," Quagmire answered.
Brian then said, "I can tell you."
"You talk?" the chick gasped.
"Mind telling us what happened to you?" the chick then said.
"Well," Brian began, "You see, I wasn't always the tortured shell of canine that writhes in pain before you today. I was a vibrant, carefree, happy go lucky dog."
Everyone showed concerned looks and Brian continued, "Upon watching TV at my old family's house, I found myself without any warning, getting hit and finally being crushed by a hard, unforgiving wrecking ball." After telling his story, questions aroused.
"How did you get hit by a wrecking Ball?"
"What do you mean as in your old family?"
"How long do you have to be in that cast?"
Brian explained, "I had a different owner at the time and he was stupid enough to swing on a wrecking ball. I didn't think that I would survive and I kind of wished that I didn't as I was in so much pain and none of the family wanted to pay for my medical expenses. Fortunately, Quagmire took me to his house and I now live with him."
"I thought you hated that dog," a guy, wearing a green polo shirt said to Quagmire.
"That is true," Quagmire pointed, "I hated this dog, but when I saw him like this, I knew I had to do something."
Brian added, "And when he came to my aid, I decided that I could no longer hate him."
"And that's how we became friends."
"Well," the blonde chick said to Quagmire, "You have such a big heart," and to Brian she said, "Also, you are such a brave and strong dog."
"I agree with my friend," another chick with brunette hair said.
Jerome then said, in tears, "Brian, your story really tugs my heartstrings. If I were in your position, I don't know what I would do. So anyway, what would you like to drink?"
"I'll have the usual," Brian said, "a glass of martini."
"Coming up," said Jerome and to Quagmire he said, "What would you like?"
Quagmire answered, "I'll have a couple of beers," and in a whispering tone he said, "I am stressed from taking care of an injured dog."
"Okay," the Jerome replied.
After they got their drinks, both Brian and Quagmire drank some more until they were drunk.
"Wow," Brian said, "Imma so drunk that I'm not in pain no more."
"That's good to heara," Quagmire replied.
"Hey guys," a man in a tux said to them, "I can take you home . . . in my fancy limousine."
"Yup," the man said, "You deserved a ride in a limo."
When the man drove them home, Quagmire stumbled while pushing Brian in his wheelchair and when he carried him to the bed. The two then became knocked out.
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