Musing In A Blueberry Field

[musinginablueberryfield]

Im moving to Scotland.

Im leaving in September.

It doesn’t feel real.

I don’t even know if this is the right decision.

[musinginablueberryfield]

I LOVED YOU

I LOVED YOU

I LOVED YOU

I LOVED YOU

I scream

you loved me

But you’ll never admit it.

[musinginablueberryfield]

What if I’m supposed to go in a whole different direction? Maybe I’m supposed to be attorney. I’d be a great attorney. But would I still be helping people? Truly?

[musinginablueberryfield]

Im in turmoil, torment, trials, tribulations.

I thought this was what I wanted, I fear I’ve been so very wrong about it all.

[musinginablueberryfield]

Everything going on in head, in my nerves, is affecting my body. It’s never been worse.

[musinginablueberryfield]

I want to write a novel, some poetry too. I want to garden and grow pretty flowers and peach trees. I want to build a stone cottage just big enough for two. I want to take up minutare crafting, and maybe floral painting. I want to speak Spanish. I want to speak Italian. I want to read every book that sparks interest in me. And I want a library with a stone fireplace to read those books by.

And I want him to hold me while I cry and sob about not having any of this at all.

[musinginablueberryfield]

I’ve been so eaten up with fear and worry and guilt over the internship and my future that I created this blog to relieve it all out.

What would I even do with my life if not this?

[musinginablueberryfield]

I only had one day at my internship so far.

But the truth I’m afraid to admit to myself, to everyone else, is….

Im not really sure I liked it.

At all.

[musinginablueberryfield]

I wish I had a cutie mark like in my little pony. That way I would know I didn’t make a mistake.

[musinginablueberryfield]

What if I was wrong about the things I love? What if I chose a field because I thought it was cool when I was a teen? what if I chose a field because I thought it would make my dad happy? What if I chose a field because I thought it would make me special ?

What if I convinced myself I loved it just because of these reasons?

What if I got really good at it just to convince myself further?

[musinginablueberryfield]

Why is there self sabotaging sadness in great happiness? Is this the scourge of being human?

[musinginablueberryfield]

Sometimes I sit and wonder if I’ve made a huge mistake. I enjoy what I do, but what if I would enjoy something else even more? I love my major, my work,my accomplishments, but the real world really scared me. Maybe when i graduate I should take a year or something? Work at Disney then go to grad school ?

I scared myself a bit I think

[musinginablueberryfield]

From a blueberry field I fill your dash with thoughts from my head