I must be louder that the call.
So, I tried to taper off of my abilify with disastrous results. You never quite understand how your meds really do stabilize you until you go off them. And mind you, I only went off one of 3 meds.
I first went high and was soaring – feeling like I hadn’t in years. I could conquer the world.
Yeah, there were obstacles, but I was flying high and nothing could stop me. I was a winner.
My high came down. I started crying at every turn.
A look devastated me for days.
Finally, a breakdown at work was an eye opener for me and my boss.
The meds. The work. It was crushing me.
But I’m stubborn. I haven’t spent more than 6 months at a job in the past year and feel like I need to push through the holidays. I was promised good money during the holiday season. I should see it through.
But can I make it through the holidays?
My son is what keeps me going. Without him, I KNOW where I’d be. And I’m grateful for his love and blessing. When he was born, I knew that he saved me. And he saves me everyday.
He knows I have a mental illness. He knows I’m struggling with money. He’s seen me cry at the drop of a hat.
I’m his mother. He should never feel worry or concern about his mother until she is in her later years…not while she’s in her 40s.
But even while the house is in disarray, and the kitchen appliances don’t work, and the lights in certain rooms don’t work, and the house trim is falling apart, and my home needs a good scrub…I persevere.
I can never leave my son the way that my parents left me.
With great pain that I still struggle with today. A hole that never was, and never will be filled. A sense of being adrift.
I’m loosely tethered to family. A family that would rather hide an embarrassing secret than accept a flaw in who was once the pinnacle of what we could do. But is now struggling with everyday life. Mired down by bills, extraordinary depression, and unrelenting stress. And has a heavy heart knowing that her son is now aware of her struggles.
My family always hid. I believe that’s why I err on the side of share. Living in a silo is lonely and stifling.
I turn to my blog in times of need because I need to share. To let loose the pain that eats me from the inside. The sounds that call for my head. The ones I resist with every fiber of my being.
I must be louder that the call.
dededos
vaporwave
turnnoffyourmind
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romaincrisis
