Muskaan

دنیا کی محفلوں سے اکتا گیا ہوں یا رب کیا لطف انجمن کا جب دل ہی بجھ گیا ہو

[muskaanayesha]

Peace be upon the daughter who helped her parents grow up. Accepted their cold shoulder, excused their anger, pardoned their mistakes, taught them how to be human. Peace be upon the sister who paid the price of rebellion. Screaming to her fullest, shaking like a leaf but standing tall, never letting the dictatorship go without a fight, paving the path for her siblings to breathe easier. Peace be upon the first child of an immigrant father. Aching to find their own purpose in life, firm in their own beliefs, contradicting generations and generations of cultural values. Peace be upon the girl who shouldered her mother's trauma. Swindled it into her own, morphed herself into an image of the womb she once resided in, immersed herself into troubles that weren't even hers, covered up scars that she couldn't even recognize. Peace be upon the woman who forgot who she was. So determined to be the savior of everyone, to fix her family, to nurture and love everyone around her. So deeply lost that she forgot she's just as worthy of love. Peace be upon you.

[kosmogrl]

[muskaanayesha]

Like a ghost nestling into my home

You cling onto fragments of my reality

Tracing your fingertips against my palm.

My eyes have a tendency

To look for things that will not return

Or do not return

But I yearn for the mirth in your smile

The subtle threading of your heart

The way in which you haunt me in silence

You spill sunlight into my lungs tonight

You stumble into the room

And collapse into my reverie

Lingering in the solstice of what could be

And what never was

But my eyes

My eyes have a tendency

To look for things that will not return

Or do not return

Please return

[gluten-free-lap-dances]

Saint Peter’s Basilica, Vatican 10.2024

Canon AE-1 / Kodak Gold 200

[muskaanayesha]

Even light bends, caught in the gravitational pull of massive objects. Entire galaxies are distorted, their light stretched into arcs as it travels across curved spacetime. But emotions don’t bend light. They don’t scatter it into rainbows or pull it into spirals. They just sit there, heavy and unyielding, refusing to give me the clarity I need.

If massive objects can distort the very fabric of the universe, then why can’t I bend the fabric of my reality? Why can’t I turn back time, twist it into a loop where love lingers forever? Why can’t I bend light to shine upon the shadows that linger in my mind? Why can’t I curve space into something softer, something kinder, something more forgiving? 

Massive objects curve spacetime. That is how the universe works. But what about massive emotions? Where do they go? What do they leave behind? And how do I learn to exist in a universe that is so precise, so structured, so unmoved by the weight I carry within me?

-Seven Letters to Saturn.

[muskaanayesha]

The black dwarf is a theoretical concept. It represents the final stage of a star's life when it has cooled and dimmed completely. No black dwarfs exist yet because the universe isn’t old enough, but the idea of them has always fascinated me. It is proof that just because something hasn’t happened yet, it doesn’t mean it never will.  

In many ways, this stage mirrors the journey of acceptance. It is not about giving up or losing hope. It is about acknowledging what is and finding peace in it. Theoretical physicists explore possibilities that seem beyond our reach, just as we often wage war against emotions or situations that feel impossible to reconcile. The idea of the black dwarf feels like a reminder that what we know is not all there is.  

Acceptance is a quiet kind of strength. It is not loud or dramatic. It does not seek validation or applause. It is the act of letting go of resistance and choosing to embrace reality as it is. Radical acceptance, as psychologists call it, is one of the most challenging yet liberating things to achieve. It asks you to stop fighting and start living.  

I used to struggle with the idea of acceptance. It felt too much like surrender, like admitting defeat. I believe it is more because I rebelled too hard. And I don't mean that what I did was wrong. I did what was right for me. But in the process of doing what was right for me, I did myself many wrongs that I couldn’t escape. I could not accept that I achieved whatever I wanted, and even more, but I lost myself. What was the price I paid for being a star? And did it become my ultimate demise? I do not know. 

But over time, I realized that acceptance is not about giving up, it's about finding freedom, even if it costs you your core desires, When I stopped trying to change things I could not control, I began to understand the beauty of simply existing.  

The black dwarf may not shine, but it still exists. That is what acceptance feels like. It is the calm after the storm, the quiet after the chaos. It is the moment when you realize that you don’t have to fight anymore. You don’t have to carry everything alone. You don’t have to prove your worth to anyone, not even yourself.  

Seven Letters to Saturn

[thememedaddy]

[muskaanayesha]

There’s a certain beauty in the idea of becoming. Of turning dust into light. Every eldest daughter knows this process intimately. We learn to piece ourselves together from the expectations of others, shaping identities out of fragments. Sometimes it feels like performance art...playing the obedient daughter, the responsible sister, the quiet dreamer. But beneath all of that, there’s something more. Something raw, something real.

- Seven letters to Saturn.

[kosmogrl]

[muskaanayesha]

[catchymemes]

[kosmogrl]

[muskaanayesha]

I am everything that I ever wanted to be and I am still sad. Success isn't the benchmark for happiness, and grief isn't a stranger to pride. Something that can coexist and yet co-demand your undivided attention. The feeling of sinking when you're at your highest. The mountains are gleaming but you're at the edge of a ledge. Your hands are in the air and your feet are in quick sand. There is a voice within you. But there is no voice outside of you. I am everything and yet nothing. Co-existing.

[muskaanayesha]

There is fire in the distance, enveloping everything in it's way. It's trying to find its path to me. To us. There is I, and another I, and another I too. I am as I am right now, gazing back at myself in a mirror that morphs my reflection. There is me as I was a few years ago, young and angry but silent in my rage. There is a shadow of a girl from a hazy decade and some years ago, watching innocence wave a timid goodbye.

What? What is this? They're pointing at me, crimson faced and frightening in their stance. What is this? Profanations and accusations. They hold their torches, there's hell everywhere. A sparrow nearby flies into my eye. Blinded. What? What is this? They rush by me, whizzing past my ear like flies in mass. They say I am selfish? Selfish? What? What is this? I asked for air to breathe for myself.

Oh, eldest daughter. You do not dare indulge in yourself. You are everyone's healer, everyone's supporter, everyone's lover. You are everything to everyone and nothing to yourself.

Put yourself first. It is but a challenge. Watch the rebellion light up the flame of surprise, shock, disgust as they look at you. You chose yourself? How very selfish of you. How very selfish.

[kosmogrl]

[kosmogrl]

[natkhat-sa-shyam]