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How do you tell somebody you care about you like somebody else more ??? I usually back away or ghost which is a horrible way to go about it but I also usually don't care about the person so that's just conflicting ????

Trey is great, a little self absorbed and there's definitely some red flags but he gets me off so good and treats me so well

Idk but tyler is perfect in every way, we face time every day and he just really actually gets me. But he's in chicago so go me for knowing how to pick em

I guess I just needed to say that

Im feeling overwhelmed

can I just say who knew all I needed in my life is a raver boy w a foot fetish

Who knew I could smile so much

Damnit

9 months into the pandemic, wtf

I'm sad

I'm bored

Nobody wants me

I miss Marek alot, like alot. But its getting easier to breathe and I guess that's all I can really ask for.

I've been getting used by alot of guys recently, (lmao let's be real literally always) which only says something about me ya know? Why am I just not the relationship type? Why do guys want to fuck me but not love me? I just have questions and its weighing on me

It's been a real emotional roller coaster this year.

Should probably mention the fires we had were insane, we reached over 550 aqi. Seriously couldn't even leave the house for 2 weeks. But full towns have burned down and so many of Oregon's beautiful spots destroyed. Homes are gone, lives are ruined.

Anyway uhg

It's a really weird time to be alive

I'll be 23 in 4 months

The last time I wrote I talked about this covid virus, well its gotten worse. Seeing children in masks really puts you in perspective. Everyone is receiving government checks, mine hasnt come yet of course but at least theres some small positive. 1/3 of the world's population is out of work, things are being shut down left and right. All of this bullshit is really opening my mind to the fact that government is basically useless. Everything we learn growing up is a bold faced underlined lie. Nobody gives a shit about you unless you've got money, we need more community and understanding.

This virus is really a love/ hate situation, after learning I have asthma and this virus effects people with comprised immune systems it's been really freaking me out internally. But on a very dark bright side alot of the older generation is going to die off creating way for my generation to make an impact. Its horrible, and sad and terrifying and will personally effect me and my family but we need change and this is really the only way.

I've been finding myself feeling soo alone, I've been talking to Colby again 🙄🙄 not going to end well but tbh I miss fucking him. I hungout with Tyler yesterday for a little bit, definitely made me miss him and want to try things again but I also dont know if it's just me feeling alone. Diego got me off 3 times on thursday, I really like him. Hes like who I want to be around but like I just cant figure him out. Hes so weird. Hes also just kinda made it clear that its mostly a sexual thing we have do I guess I just gotta deal. Then theres Marek, I miss him everyday. I see him everyday. It's like nothing has changed and hes still my partner and who I want to share my life with. I wish our sex was better in the past and I wish that that wasnt what was effecting me trying to give a relationship another shot. Hes the guy I'd spend my life with, I know our friendship isnt fare for him. I threw up three times on friday and he came over when I called, like hes just so great. And like also really growing into himself and I keep finding myself being like shit he looks good.

I wish I could decide my feelings already. I hate that I keep throwing more guys into the mix. None of them actually want me so idk what it is I think I'm even doing.

Anyway everything is so weird

Everything is so weird right now

I know I miss marek

I'm sort of sleeping with a hot bartender, Diego.

And then theres the global pandemic, called the coronavirus. Pretty fuckin crazy how I'm currently living in a time where half the world is shut down and quarantined and the other half is in a giant panic. Theres a lot going on, businesses are being shut down, people are dying or getting very sick. People are completely buying out grocery stores but then somehow there are still people that just cant comprehend the gravity of the situation.

Right now at work we arent completely shut down, no more dine ins at the moment and everybody is losing hours. This isnt going to last long before were completely going to shut down and our whole town/state gets quarantined and nobody is working. Shits weird, were in almost uncharted territory.

I'm scared for what's going to happen next, I'm trying so hard to keep my cool for everyone around me but this whole thing is crazy.

I'm having a really hard time, I had a panic attack a few days ago and it's only a matter of time before it happens again.

At least it's a beautiful day today, if anything

Talking to two exes right now, why do I do this lol

I am desperatly seeking love, while also desperately avoiding it

Everything lately has been so overwhelming and exhausting. There is so much constantly going on at all times no matter what year it is. It seems like I just never catch a break.

Right now I mostly want to focus on Marek. Its like this guy was put on this earth for me. You know when you meet somebody and they are just your person? A friend and a lover? Somebody whose love is so unconditional and you just want to spend every moment and talk about everything with them. I spent a year dating him only to do what I inevitably do, leave.

I get so wrapped up in people that I actually just end up making it all worse. I want what I cant have, and I dont want the people who love me. Why do i do that? I left because something was missing in our relationship. Now here I am almost a year later revisiting our history trying to figure out why I left the one person in the world that loves me and my baggage.

We are still close, and we are still friends. But obviously thats uncharted territory for both of us. As much as he tells me that our friendship isnt hard on him, Its clear as day that it is. I can see how much pain hes in and Im being selfish. I know he thinks that this isnt hard for me, after all I am the one that ruined it all in the first place. Theres no going back, and even if I could I couldnt put that on Marek again, I cant put him into a situation that could leave to my leaving , yet again, because I would. Thats hard for me to admit. I want the happy in love with one person life, but that life does not want me. Im sure it has something to do with my childhood and parents and past relationships but when the fuck do I get over it?

Im so indecisive, Im so confused.

To top it off I am secretly seeing his roommate, I am having weird feelings about Marek AND Im scoping out his roommate. I am absolutely the worst. I know its bad and he already has told me that it makes him uncomfortable. I dont even know if I like this guy, he seems really into me though and I dont want to not give it a chance I should be more considerate of Mareks feelings though, and I tried. I told Al we had to stop but just last night, after a few weeks of not talking we hungout and I just feel like I dont want to put my life on hold because Marek isnt over me. AHHH

Im basically rambling at this point. Trying to sort out my feelings. What do I want? What is best for me? Those are the questions I should be asking myself. Instead of Will Marek hate forever? Am I in love with Marek? Why do I miss him but also want my space? WHAT ARE MY FEELINGS?? WHY CANT I JUST LOVE AND BE LOVED?? WHY IS EVERYTHING SO HARD??? SHOULD I GIVE MYSELF SPACE FROM MAREK OR JUST GO ON PRETENDING LIKE IM NOT THE BIGGEST MOST IGNORANT PIECE OF HUMAN GARBAGE OUT THERE

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