“aw, man. whaddya mean rose’s psychoanalyzing isn’t fun? i always think it’s a blast to get her going all freudian on me,” dave can’t help the snort as he watches karkat pace around. he watches for a moment longer while standing up, letting the other get the entirety of his verbose show on the road before he drags a chair away from the table, sitting on it to match the redblooded troll. never say he can’t play according to the rules or that he can’t be nice—but that’s beyond the point now, right? he should focus on trying to explain the thing the other asked, though he’s still fairly certain he’s the least equipped from his group of friends to manage this task.
well, shit. it’s not like any of them have ever been equipped to do any of these logic-defying things the game set ‘em up for, anyway. might as well wing it and see how it goes.
“swear on my boy scout’s honor i won’t trick you, dude. which, to be fair, is a false statement, ‘cause i’ve never been a boy scout, but the point stands: pretend i got the honor code they have down pat, so we can get the meaning of the sentence out, yeah? anyway. uh. you wanna know about how humans do our romance.” dave’s scrunches up his face for a moment, lost in thought for the moment of being as he rakes his mind for a good, concise explanation of something that, to him, is commonplace and totally unexplainable. maybe davesprite would’ve been the right dave to get for this, given he had dated jade prior. but it’s not like he can just swap with the feathery guy and if he’s fair, he’s pretty sure he resents him for being the ‘real’ dave now, considering his ascension.
“i’ll be straight with you, i have no fucking clue how to explain how we go about it, ‘cause it’s not like humans are any better at not being a mess than trolls, even without the variations. but if we take it from the classic movies, and by that i mean the shitty romcoms both you and john are into, it goes like this: you confess, you start dating if it’s mutual and if things go right you marry and have babies. or adopt babies, if you can’t have them home-made. somethin’ like that is the usual dream scenario of every run-of-the-mill boring protag couple, but your mileage may vary considering particular circumstances.”
he knows it’s a shit explanation and that vantas will probably get on his case for being vague and absolutely shit at this teaching gig he scored by complete accident, but oh well.
they gotta start somewhere.
THAT EXPLAINATION SUCKED. Okay, maybe it didn’t suck that bad, but it certainly didn’t make much sense to Karkat. Dating? Marry? BABIES? What the hell were those things. Well, he had a vague idea of some of them. “Aren’t babies like human wrigglers? How the fuck do you make those?” He waved his hands a moment after the question left his mouth. “Woah, nevermind, actually. I don’t need to know about the human mating process. My point is, I have no idea what ‘dating’ or ‘marrying’ entails. We don’t have that shit here, we have quadrants that you fill. You should know this by now, I’ve explained it to you several times.” He leaned his face onto one of his hands.
“Are you taking this seriously? I came to you as a ‘bro’ asking for help on a topic I know little to nothing about and you came out with that shitty answer, throwing terms at me that I have no idea what they mean.” He sighed. “Dude, I really do not want to ask Rose for help on this, so you’ve got to actually try for me.”
He had an idea, but it might get weird. “I know, how about we do that dumb shit Terezi always does. Uh... LARPing. You pretend to human date me, then we get married, and uh... maybe we skip the whole baby thing. That might make it easier for your small thinkpan to figure out how to explain it.” Best idea he’d ever had, for sure. No way this would get awkward. Absolutely none.
“It’ll be easier than you just throwing weird words at me and expecting me to understand. You can just show me what humans do when they’re dating and married and shit and it’ll make way more sense.”
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