mwowwe

ʜᴇ. posting for myself occasionally :]

[vonymoon]

[mwowwe]

Just make it stop please.

Give me these fuckass meds or I'll genuinely kms, I HATE having an unmedicated underactive thyroid.

[mwowwe]

I'll redo my intro soon =]

[mwowwe]

- 10k steps today!! (Will get to 12k cs I'm going on a walk)

- 1400kcal and 300 is from protein powder (90g with my coffee🎀), feelin terrible for having sm food =[

- gym day tomorrow

- finally got the damn shorts >...<

[mwowwe]

That feeling when your current th1nsp0 is yourself from 2 years ago

[mwowwe]

Ill finally get shorts tomorrow

Will go to the gym on Friday ALONE cs my bitchass friend decided she doesnt feel like it

I ate 1485 calories today and feel fucking disgusting🎀🎀

I resumed counting cals cs i havent done that in so long

[mwowwe]

Uh I didn't get the shorts!!

We changed gyms and its even better, my new fav thing is hip thrusts but it feels so silly to do

Leg press (45°) makes me extremely uncomfortable because my stomach is getting squished and it's so disgusting

I went to the gym without eating anything and by the end I thought I'd pass out, and today I ate: some broccoli, chicken, broad beans and an apple

Also I was supposed to be a "model" for my friend to practice his tying up skills on buut I'm trying to delay it as much as possible cause I'm way too fat rn LMAO

Oh also I gave my blueberry cake(?) thay my dad bought me as school lunch/breakfast to my friends and then took a bite and spat it out cs ew

Peak song alert!

[mwowwe]

I'm an entirely different person than what I was in the winter

[mwowwe]

I was at the gym for the first time, it was lovely but a mean classmate came in (I was w my other classmate) nd we ended early

I thought it would strain my back but it didn't at all

I'm so "hungry" and ALMOST bought junk at the store when I was getting mountain dew zero (my new fav) but resisted

Now I'm taking a bus to the mall to get shorts cs I have none for the gym

[mwowwe]

I was SO wrong about not making it to the next school year

I think I'll make it unless I get one more grade from this fuckass subject that's social studies - I hate it with burning passion. It's my fav but the way my professor grades stuff (literally depending on his fucking humour) makes me hate it.

Also I came out to some people and with some people I just use he/him pronouns wjen referring to myself and tbey didnt ask and just started to refer to me in masc prns too

[mwowwe]

Got myself a mountain dew zero cs its the first time I see it around here :3

[mwowwe]

Worst thing? Binging but not purging.

I need to get my hands on some laxatives asap

[mwowwe]

I developed BED.

I'm so ashamed of myself I was supposed to be strong and I binge without even realizing atm, just after the act.

Kill me please.

Also I had the worst calf cramp last night and it still hurtsss

And I'm starting work today, if they don't push food in me like they did last year I might not eat (hopefully I don't throw myself at food once I get back home)

[mwowwe]

Eughhgg i got my period and relapsed again and I'm in sm pain rn I genuinely cannot exist rn and it's the first day

[mwowwe]

Relapsed after 108 days and i think I went too deep I made just 3 cuts but it soaked through 4 tissues (folded) and is still going

[mwowwe]

Don't read, it's a random mishmash of my thoughts all jumbled together. It mostly won't make sense.

I can't wait to move out next year, I won't have sm food at my own place. I've been waiting for the day I move out since I turned 12. I cannot wait to be free, but I know it'll be a while until I fully free myself from those strangers. I'll finally get tested for the stuff I've wanted to get tested for and check my blood - my doctor told me about a high possibility of me having an underactive thyroid a couple of times now, and my mom always take the prescriptions for tests but never brings me to get the tests done. If I do have it, I'll be medicated and good, if not then that'll rule out something. I'll move in with my older brother, the only person from this family that I like, the only one that understands because he's been through the same. I'll take a gap year after finishing highschool and take additional exams to prepare better, as well as save as much money as possible, then start college - currently I'm interested in criminology, it might change tho. I hope I don't die but I wish to die at the same time. Is that enough yapping? Idk why am I even writing this whole thing, maybe to leave my thoughts somewhere. Idk, I'd love to understand my confusing mind better. I wish to figure it out before I turn 20 - which is in 3 years, it's such a crazy concept, aging. For the first time in my life I don't consider 21yo to be someone old. I'll be an adult next year and I'm terrified of it. How does one grow up, how does one stop feeling like a helpless little kid?

[mwowwe]

So update

My tailbone still hurts and is still bruised but so is my hip, it hurts to move my leg sm but I'm still going to school (winter break starts next week❤️‍🩹)

Mom said too bad and that it'll pass after a couple of weeks and like she's right but she just laughed at me when I was genuinely in pain :(