mostly void

29| he/they this is my space to vent about my ED and other mental health stuff. minors do not follow please!!!

[mx-molotov]

new pinned post, about me:

I've been living with bpd for much of my life (diagnosed, doing DBT for two years now) as well as a whole collection of EDs. I think I fit under the EDNOS criteria currently but I have had two others at other points. my brain is a disaster all the time and this is just my silly little page to vent (I've been on and off Tumblr since 2009 lmao)

this is not a page for anyone under 18!!!

a) it's weird because I'm almost 30 and b) this page might be v triggering and I don't want to cause harm. may also be nsfw.

[mx-molotov]

re-download this app because I want to fucking relapse at this point its been a long time coming. gained weight back to my starting weight and everyone then decided to tell me "oh you looked too skinny and sick we didn't want to tell you" okay fuck you, you all KNOW I looked better at last year's lowest weight fuck you fuck you. I'm feeling so disgusting lately my friends are so thin and perfect and people love them and I'm awful. I want to be loved I want the attention. I want to relapse and I want it to destroy me

I rwad thru my posts from last year and wow my relationship was aecul my bf was absolutely abusing me. he's gone and I'm actually in a WAY happier place in my life. but I hate my fucking body and need to get back down. my ugw is lower. I have decided to not give numbers. I tried not to last time but I noticed a few and im sorry. I'm not pro anything besides recovery, I'm 29 fucking years old and this EDs have been hurting my live for over 10 years. please try to recover. this is a self hate blog only.

[mx-molotov]

hello hi im not dead lol ive just been a mess. i deleted this app so i could try to get better but nah im back at it again lol i stopped restricting i guess but i still lost another pound. i went to the doctor and they weighed me and ALL the bad thoughts came rushing back lmao.  how the fuck am i 104lbs and i still look fucking hideous like why why why why

[mx-molotov]

I don't fucking look like someone who weighs 105 lbs though like.... I was 105 lbs when I was 20 and I didn't have these disgusting fuxking thighs so idk I'm not pretty sure that the scale I used was broken and I'm still a fucking failure. I am not thin... like.... I'm not. I'm loweotngomy daily calorie intake again fuck this

[mx-molotov]

weighed myself for the first time in a year. last tkwm I checked a year ago I was 118 and now I'm 105 lol. love to see it. all my clothes are too big. this isn't a flex I just needed to.... tell someone. anyone. that was my goal, I guess. but because I'm so fucking sick like it's not enough lol. my legs don't look like the legs of someone who is 105 lbs and my brain is sick and I need to keep losing. eating disorders fucking suck. I'm miserable lol

[mx-molotov]

at this point, not eating is fully a form of self harm. losing weight is for me to hurt. I wanted to be the thinnest because I saw all my boyfriends skinny exes and friends and I wanted to be better so much better so I could be loved and now it's also just a way for me to hurt myself. I mean it always has been. but I'm actively thinking about it. since I'm trying not to c*t myself I'm thinking these thoughts of "well it hurts when I'm hungry too"

[mx-molotov]

my boyfriend tried to rest his head on me and he was uncomfortable and was like "how'd you get so boney" like okay my dumb ass body decided to get really tiny on top and yet still my dumb fucking thighs just will not....... like my hip bones are more visible I can tell in losing fat in my hips because of how my pants are fitting and like I know my thighs are getting smaller it's just TAKING FOREVER I relapsed in fucking March and still I'm.... UGH IM NOT THERE YET I wish I could just drop ridiculous weight like other people seem to. is it taking longer because I'm older? I guess. ugh.

[mx-molotov]

well I had a solid like nearly two weeks of not tracking my calories and I'm back the fuck at it again now woowoo (I hate this)

also I'm literally just like filling myself with appetite suppressants and benzos daily because I'm miserable ayyy

[mx-molotov]

standing up straight thighs don't touch now???? but they're usually touching bc of how I sit and walk and whatever but if I stand up straight and relaxed they?? don't?? also tell me how I still look so fucking wide lmao ew

[mx-molotov]

haha so my boyfriend wants our relationship to be open..... p much specifically so he can fuck his friend who is moving back to down and..... shes a gorgeous natural redhead and she is SO THIN and obviously i want to d*e. i know i said i was gonna go back to high restriction because it was okay but no literally i am devastated and i feel disgusting and disgusted so im going back to 900 per day SORRY i have to. I was polyam in all my past relationships but decided to be monog w him because i love him and thought he’s be comfortable so it’s crushing for him to want to change it......... for one person? who i know????? i am going to be thinner that’s it that’s the motivation i needed

[mx-molotov]

this week ive been eating about 1200-1300 calories a day and I am not hating myself any more than usual???? I’m in a 500-800 calorie deficit every day because i’ve been riding and walking a lot so my total amount burned is usually 1800-2100.... like I do not look like I am gaining weight (I should not be with what im doing) and idk I still feel like I am not visibly losing weight but maybe it’s just a fluke but this feels better than when i was just trying to eat 1000 a day. my body feels a little better and I’m not like binging at night

part of me is like “you’re eating too much to have an ED” but I still.... obviously do. I’m like 5′2″ and 115lbs and im obsessed with being thinner like bitch this is an ED it always has been lol but of course sick brain is invalidating me. i WANT to only be eating like 800-1000 a day but it just was not working, I was feeling soooo sick and I have too demanding a job to eat any less. when i was just in college i could eat nothing and be fine because i was smoking weed and lying in bed it didn’t matter that i was weak BUT AHHHH I FUCKING HOPE THIS WORKS I HOPE I CAN STILL LOSE WEIGHT. like i want to be underweight because sick brain so.... idk... 100lbs for me is the goal. 

[mx-molotov]

I told my therapist that i was having sui ideation and now every week she asks me how I'm feeling and "do you have a plan to kys?" and every week I say "no I just feel worthless but I don't want to be dead for real" but haha I do have a plan im just not acting on it. I'm in this place where being alive and not being alive are both equally painful and scary options so... aaaaaaaa I'm just so stuck. I'm so sad.

[mx-molotov]

anyway I literally bought appetite suppressants so hopefully I can not eat in peace 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

i want to be able to eat 1000 most days but it's literally so fucking painful, and I'd also love to eat under that occasionally so. hope it helps.

[mx-molotov]

relapsing has just made my body dysmorphia worse and worse like I am consistently eating under 1200 calories and riding my bike and walking like crazy so I'm SURE that I am losing weight but like I feel like I'm just looking bigger so yeah my perception of myself is literally getting worse. my clothes are looser on me but I *SEE* myself as not getting smaller I only see the parts that I think are bad and idk ywah my perception is just getting worse and worse whoops

[mx-molotov]

im like this close to checking into an inpatient program. not for the ED but because it feels like my only option at this point besides offing myself which is not actually what I want but like I feel so hopeless so like what's the point. I have no experience with this kind of thing lol just googling best psych hospitals in new york 🤷🏼‍♂️ I just need a fuxking break from the world and dying is too permanent I just need to be MIA for a week and also get help I can't just run away on vacation

[mx-molotov]

jeez ugh excuse my dirty apartment and just me and my body but ugh body check. I'm standing up straight and relaxed or whatever anf wow finally like my thighs are not completely smushed together like they were before. I naturally just have wide hips and bigger thighs because of my bone structure and I hate it but... eh... I just want skinni leggies jfc. I bike so they're muscular for sure, I'm happy to be feeling more muscles I just want the squish GONE. I want muscle and skinni legs please. I don't understand what the fuck makes my knees look like this like why are my knees so huge lol!!!! I'll have a thigh gap and then my knees will still touch like ok sure. for reference, I don't know how much I weigh but my guess is 115ish.

[mx-molotov]

lying to both my therapists about how much I'm eating and purging to avoid being fucking committed 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻