Jules of Nature
KIROKAZE
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Misplaced Lens Cap
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tannertan36
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wallacepolsom
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YOU ARE THE REASON
Stranger Things
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AnasAbdin
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Keni
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@mxserable-at-bxst
I did it. I finally asked Ben to marry me.
I set up a backyard movie theatre under the premise it was for the kids. Which, it kind of was? We did a movie night with them, then once they were in bed had a movie night of our own. Our movies? A compilation I had a friend help me make with videos and pictures of Ben and I 10-12 years ago when we dated, mixed with some next stuff. After the video played (and he cried through it) I handed him a ring and asked.
Today is a lot. Today is always a lot. But we try to use this day to feel our feelings and celebrate her.
My dear Lauren. You’ve been smiling down on us for just about a year and a half now. The girl’s did a song tribute in your honour and we all cried. The kids loved the surprise tree and flower garden in your honour, and one in honour of Ben’s grandmother Ruby. Leo ran over and hugged each tree as if hugging you tight again.
Things feel easier over time, but then those special days hit and it feels like things come crashing down again. I miss you so much and I will never stop loving you.
I still feel so so weird being in this cabin. Trying hard not to let it affect me. Trying hard not to be a dick to the guy just cause he was with Ben after we split. Trying hard not to take it out on Ben, we went out separate ways. I got married and had 2 kids for fuck sake.
Just seeing someone flirt with the person you’re with is never a good feeling. Feels worse when you know there’s a history there.
I’m trying. We went dancing last night and had fun. Is it bad that part of me was worried he’d try to swoop in and dance with Ben just to make me jealous? Here’s hoping the date planned for us tonight will help me relieve any of these jealous feelings I have left.
Love finally realizing we’re cabin’d with my boyfriend’s ex fwb and I get to witness him flirting with Ben? No thanks. Toss me right out of that fucking window.
Yellow team - Benjamin Liebsch
Just so I could be soft and lovey. Ben and I already know each other and have for 14 years. Those first couple of years were great, even with the sneaking around that came with that first year. We reunited only two months ago and after some time picked up where we left off.
He’s helped me heal after the passing of my wife and we really just feel so in sync. He’s so great with the kids and just really gets me. Ben and Lauren have been the only two people I’ve ever fallen in love with. I’m going to marry this man someday.
Yellow Team - Lizzie Olsen
You’re like lemons and sunshine. A new friendship but a very welcome one.
Thankful to be back in Baltimore with the kids.
It was nice to go to LA and Germany, but wow I missed these kids. I have never been snuggled more than in the last few days.
I still can’t believe that it’s been two months since Ben and I reconnected. After such a hard year last year, this was a big surprise and something I never thought would happen. I am grateful for every day we have together. After losing him 10 years ago and then losing my wife last year, I never thought I would feel love again. But he’s back. And he’s mine.
🎵I get so emotional baaaybaaay. Every time I think of all the postmortem stuff I have to deal with including going through my wife’s things to figure out what we can let go of and what we should keep in order to find peace in our life once again.
Ain’t it shocking what... death can dooooOoOOo 🎶
Yesterday I cuddled with Leo so he could take a nap. He clung on to me. When I reassured him and said “I’m right here bud. I’ve got you.” He said “I missed you daddy. I thought you were leaving to be with mommy forever.”
So that’s that on my heart breaking and my kid thinking I left them with my parents so I could die. I feel like absolute shit for putting him through that. I need to have a conversation with the girls to see where their heads are at. And maybe even talk with all three to let them know that I needed some time to heal myself a little so that I could be more present for them.
My kids are here and I’m so grateful because I missed them so much. And now I feel ... some type of way.
“I know things are hard right now. Just remember that healing isn’t linear. You’re allowed to grieve her and love me. You’re allowed to lean on me. I’m always here for you.”
I don’t know if he understands the magnitude of these words. In trying to heal and grieve and love, there’s also the guilt that ways down from feeling like I shouldn’t be grieving her and loving him at the same time. I am allowed to feel my feelings no matter how complicated they are. And I think... loving Ben is part of the process of being able to fully grieve my wife.
I have only ever been in love with two people in my life. Lauren and Benjamin.
It amazes me that after so many years, Ben and I have found our way back to each other.
I still feel bad about some of those things I said to him when we broke up November 2009 after over a year together. I still remember that he was drunk every night that week and how it hurt that it felt as thought he couldn’t be sober to be with me. Like he had to be drunk.
Then 2010 ended up being the year I got back together with Lauren.
2011 mine and Ben’s bands toured together for a bit and I was so so proud of him for getting sober. And because I was still in love with him, I cheated on my girlfriend. It was over a week of magic with him. I hated breaking his heart when I found out Lauren was pregnant.
I spent 10 years loving her. And in those 10 years, I also missed Ben.
10 years without him and now he’s here. More than 10 years with her and now she’s gone.
Love lost; love found. Love lost; love found.
I have spent the day planning Valentine’s Day for us. We’re going to make and have a video brunch with the kids. Flower delivery shortly after noon. I’m making us dinner and dessert.
I wanted to focus my attention on you.
And then I remembered -- this is my first Valentine’s Day without my wife. I feel guilty and self-hating and sad. God I miss her. I miss her so damn much. I’ve been trying to keep from getting to this point around Ben. Because I love him, I do. And I love her. I don’t want him to see me in such a mess, but I can’t stop crying.
God that feels gross.
