suddenly I realized that nor the Gucci silk will make me feel something kind, no more giggle.
Most of my lifetime I have been driven by this stupid idea of running for love, pursuing my happiness with someone. But let's be honest, what has love gave back to me?
1. Traumas, being insecure and always expecting to be the number two.
2. Sex traumas, being considered only as a thing of sex cult, "I have the best sex of my live" but for me it's just a reason to be lonely and cry. Having the constant desire of cleaning myself or just be invisible.
3. Addiction and suppression, pretend, act, fit in because why are you that way? Why can't you carry my problems while we ignore yours? Why are you distant? Why? Why can't you love me back? Why can't you be constant forever? You must understand that you are only a 'being' in the time I need you, and that end when I don't.
4. Fear, fucking fear... I can't even stand to wait a person 10 minutes because that makes me feel exposed, lonely being laughed at. Because I have been laughed at that things, persecuted by an outrageous anger that still today I try to ignore by being the coolest and trying to make the better place for everyone, but always end on the same place, asking why, why I am scared, why I can't do it, why I'm always bad.
It's funny because a day ago I was talking about this whit a smile, realizing while I was talking that the thing I have said was more complicated than was i was conceiving. Now I realize that love has been always a violent scenario for me. I want to feel, of course, who I the hell doesn't like to be loved? Buy I can't, I find myself more comfortable with the worst and more distant to the better.
I can't even cry anymore, I can't even express myself.
I have to be strong, ignore, keep going, ignore, smile, ignore, make things better, be always better, but deep inside always lonely, always empty, always hoping that will be the last page on my agenda.
Why God made me so suceptible, why ignore it's better, why the more we know the less we can talk and suddenly the world it's so heavy and I want to be crying in the arms of the only people that I have been feel loved by.
I soon will be on my grandma side, while she laughs at me and sing to me and we ignore that all ways come to an end. I can't do it without you singing to me. I'm sorry.
blakekathryn
snowghoul
ellievsbear
tangentwithtanner
yousharknotpass
