Feeling for today is anger.
I hate you I hate you I hate you. I just wish I could tell you how much I hate you. I wish I could tell you how much of a pig you are. But I don't want to see you or talk to you or have anything about you invited back into my life.
I looked back on my entries from when we were falling apart. Even when I was okay you were never there. So many entries saying I just feel so alone. But you were never there were you. Not really. Never emotionally available because it would make you less of a man!
You disgust me. You used me. Yes I had less money than you. Yes I wasn't as financially stable as you but you used me. You used my heart. You used my soul. You used me to the point I nearly had nothing left and saw no way out but to lock myself in a toilet with a knife.
You never hit me. You would constantly go on about how greatful I should be that I never got struck by you. Do you remember the first year we moved into the house. Your work party... that you chased me down the house you pushed me you grabbed me you threw stuff at me you pushed me into things because you were drunk and to be honest already scary and I didn't like the way you were "flirting" with me. It was disgusting and you were treating me like meat. But then it was fine because you were drunk and you didn't remember.
There were many times you scared me, you chased me you locked me up in the house, you took away my phone. You threatened to call my mum! HA Now that is a funny one. You threatened to call my mum who works for a service for domestic violence. Do you know why that threat worked? Because I was ashamed of our relationship and I didn't want her to find out! I was ashamed of myself for being with you and staying with you but for some reason I thought I deserved it.
You would constantly throw me on the bed and tell me to shut up and go to sleep. Block the door if I tried to exit. Take away the car keys so I couldn't drive away. Even when I wanted to call a suicide hotline so they could take me away from you and from all of this you stood over me the whole time. You never gave me peace NEVER.
Remember when you booked us a holiday to go overseas for 2 months and I knew I couldn't afford it and I knew I would lose my job if I went but you made me feel like I had to go. I even said I would go for a month and then go home and you could continue and I would stay home and work but that wasn't good enough for you. And I lost my job. And I was stuck relying on you.
Remember before our holiday when you told me we were going to pretend to be happy because you invested too much money in this. When you chased me down the house when I tried to get away from you you pushed me on the bed and shock horror I kicked out to protect myself from you. Your nose had the slightest amount of blood come out... Do you remember your reaction?
Oh thats right you threw me off the bed onto the floor so I landed on my head. Do you remember grabbing me and telling me it was my fault that that happened and not yours and I had bruises on my arms and a lump on my head.
That was the night that lead me to lock myself in the toilet with a knife. and all I wanted to do was end myself all I wanted to do was to get out. That was the night you finally called my mum. And what did I say when she came over "he hates me, he doesn't love me, he is just using me, I am just an accessory to him" and I told her that you don't talk to me, that you don't sleep in the same bed as me and you thought I was the biggest cunt.
Oh hey funny story do you remember that time I accidentally got pregnant and believe me when I say it was an accident because you would never make a good father. And you manipulated and forced me into an abortion. Would just like to take a moment to thank you for that because unfortunately if I had the child I would be stuck to you for the rest of my life. But do you remember how you told me that I would never be able to raise a child on my own and that you wouldn't love it. That when I booked a counselor session for us to go to you refused to turn up. That you refused to believe I was even pregnant. That you said you don't see quacks not even for that!
Do you know that our big manager for the company we both worked for together offered for me to stay at hers to get away from you. That she thought you were a monster. Because I broke down in tears and she wanted to know why!
Thank you for telling me that the reason for the abortion was because you were addicted to drugs. Thank you for waiting to tell me after our holiday. You know what I would have done if I knew that was the reason I would have somehow gotten it on paper and gotten proof I would have found a way for the child to have nothing to do with you legally and I would have kept it.
You are the closest I have ever been to hell and I hate you for the 7 years of hell you put me through. I apologise to my current boyfriend. For the fact that I am emotionally damaged because of you. The fact that he tries so hard to make me feel beautiful because you spent so long tearing me down. That he tries to make me feel amazing because you told me so many times that I was stupid and would be nothing without you.
I HATE YOU. I hate that you get to live a normal life and I hate that you would be blaming me for everything.
baratheonpilled
prguitarman
jacobvanloon
ellievsbear
turnnoffyourmind
