Anxiety spiralling a bit tonight.
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@myadventuresin
Anxiety spiralling a bit tonight.
I woke up and looked at her picture above my bed. Told her silently I missed her and got up and left.
I nonchalantly walked into the hotel and down the stairs, chatted briefly, made a cup of tea and sat down. Steve did the usual thanks to everyone and they pressed play. When the first of my shots showed I felt a slight sense of relief ‘ok that looked pretty good’ then the next and the next and the next. I started to feel emotions build up. I watched as my shots appeared again and again. Seamlessly helping to tell the story and establishing the world of the show. It finished, there was applause, pats on the back. I stepped out, had a smoke and left.
It felt like 10 years of work had led to this moment and I had finally achieved something I’ve wanted to since the start.
Walking to my car I felt a slight sense of happiness. 5 mins in to my drive I felt pride and achievement. I sat with that for a few minutes and congratulated myself.
I wanted to share the moment, but I had no one to share it with. I felt sad and lonely and the emotions flooded in. I drove to the shop to buy new pillows and sobbed in the car park for an hour.
I don’t know what’s happening to me anymore.
Now I feel drained. Back to routine I guess. Change bed sheets, wash clothes, move on.
Maybe I’ll break soon.
Fuck my life. Should be happy but instead I’m heartbroken
This entire week was crazy and filled with lots of wonderful and stressfilled moments. A bit of a rollercoaster with a micro panic attack at the bottom and a round of applause at the top.
I could write an essay on each day but instead ill focus on friday, The best day of my career so far.
Today we were back to lough tay. Shooting a battle scene, 6 boats, 200 odd extras, horses, stunts, fires, smoke, 5 cameras, cranes, support boats and me on the drone. Was about as crazy as it gets on these kinds of shows. Started pretty windy , gusting near the limits of the drone. So i was stood down for the first 2 hours. The wind abbated a little so i told the first AD that i could stick up the drone and the director asked for a shot coming over the battle towards the boats. I ran up top found a position and threw the drone up, taking off from my hand as i was to shoot on the next take. set a frame that was ok and got a take going low over the battle and ending on the boats.
The framing was a little odd cause i was trying to avoid the crane.
Finished the take, landed the drone and ran down to the directors tent for notes. I get the and he's now full of ideas. tells me not to worry about the crane vfx will paint that out and to get the middle 2 boats centered. I suggest flying between the boats and continueing out into the lake and he smiles and says that could be really cool.
head of VFX is there and accompanies me back to the take off point cause signal down at the tent is really bad.
i get back up to my spot for the next take and drop the drone into a a way better position i'd avoided cause of the crane i didnt want to get in shot. the signal was really bad and i couldnt barely see what i was shooting. They called action on drone and started moving. I was so low going over the scene i had to at one point rise up a little to avoid a sword above someones head, then a rider on a horse shoots across infront of the drone and is so close it fills the frame. i drop down between the boats out over the main cast and out onto the lake.
The shot is fucking incredible. the signal cleared up enough for me to see it and it was amazing. The director called cut and moving on and as the crew down on the beach started to move on i went to check the footage. IT'S NOT THERE... the drone stopped recording after 30 seconds and the shot was never recording. I realise and run straight down to the beach, the director is in the middle of the beach in front of the boats talking through the setup for the next sequence surrounded by the entire crew and extras and i have to run straight through the middle of them stop the director mid sentence and tell him i had a technical and we have to do that again. I was so pissed it didnt record myself that i didnt even have time to feel anxiety or fear over what i was doing. The director instantly says were going again and the entire scene is reset just for me. we do 2 more takes and of course the wind starts to pick up which throws the drone around a little making the shots not as good as the lost one but we get a similar shot.
i go back to the beach fuming and a bit deflated but the crew were reassuring and that helped. i did a few more shots after this that were alright but not as spectacular.
Then the location move is called and as the crew is moving all their gear onto the support boats, Myself and the director chat about getting the boats out in the lake while the move is happening. He wants to shoot a sequence of the boats and has an idea of what he wants we start on a 35 and get what hes looking for and i suggest we throw on a 50 after and get the chase boats coming towards the viking boats.
Gusts are now hitting 45kph and the drones limit is 50 so i have a crew member with a wind speed meter feeding me info and i take off from my hand.
I get another operator to hop on the wheels and we get the shot the director is looking for with the 35 out of the way. I land the drone and we swap to the 50, i change the drone to fpv mode and take the drone off in 45kph winds, what follows is a 7 minute take that was almost a dance between myself the director and the operator. Flying around boats twisting and turning all over the place and the shots look absolutely amazing. The director calls cut, The dp puts his hand on my shoulder and tells me that was fucking incredible and that ive saved the day. The directors in awe and i bring the drone in to land. i land it in my hand and as soon as the props stop spinning i hear roars and a round. of applause from the crew on the beach.
ive been 10 years in this industry and that has happened less times than i can count on one hand.
I risked it all and this day it paid off big time.
A new adventure begins.
I’ve had a serious lesson in loss the last few years. Hopefully that’s the end of it for a bit .
The last of the generation is gone. Mishka was the forever baby, the calming lumbering cloud floating around the house sparking joy in any room she entered. Sleep well Mishi ❤️
One of the best tunes I’ve ever heard and I’ve listened to it hundreds of times. It never gets old
Overwhelmed…
I’m starting to remember why I tend to build walls around certain feelings. I can’t function properly when I’m hurting. It’s overwhelming. I don’t like being sensitive. I need to change my perspective.
My last Greek Sunset was unforgettable for more reasons than just this view
No explaination needed
So….. that 5 weeks in Corfu is starting to feel like a total dream.
This is the first night in a while I’ve been able to just sit alone and process the last few months and it’s now 6:20am and I couldn’t sleep at all.
So much happened in the last while it’s kinda crazy. It’s been amazing and wonderful and terrible and horrific all at the same time.
I’m gonna need some therapy real soon. I’ve been ignoring too much for too long and I need to level up.
I kinda had a dream come through today out of nowhere . A little taste of where I wanna be and it felt right.
Went for a nice swim after work today. Felt a bit more me.
I’m recovering
I’m not OK