My Anonymous Thoughts

Here I'm sharing some of the thoughts I have about recovery & miracles

[myanonymousthoughts]

Boxed In

Yesterday, I heard someone say, and I hadn't head this before: In recovery, I can be anything, but I can't be everything.

When she said it, I audibly grunted as if I was punched in the gut. I think that was so poignant for me because I have been suffocated, for probably the last year, by my own schedule. Business is great - we're growing. I'm activated, I'm being stretched. It's irregular. I feel like I can never make plans - like I'm a hostage to the life I created. I know I'm not nurturing friendships, prioritizing stable recovery or committing to my nephew. I'm letting certain, important parts of my life wither on the vine.

There's so much time in the day, but it goes so fast. If I want to be an active participant in my life and show up where I want to, I can't be a casualty of the life I built. I need to edit, or simply remodel and see what I think of the next version.

I'm never stuck.

________________

“Littleness and glory are the choices open to your striving and your vigilance. You will always choose one at the expense of the other.  Yet what you do not realize, each time you choose, is that your choice is an evaluation of yourself.” Course, p306 Chapter 15: The Holy Instant III.  Littleness vs. Magnitude

“I no longer care if my ducks are in a row.  Sometimes I prefer they aren’t. By not forcing my thoughts and feelings into a straight line, I can see all the possibilities.  I can explore, be creative, innovative and adventuresome.” Hope for Today, p295

“I still go to meetings because I still feel better at the end of a meeting than before it started. I also want to give back a little of what was so generously given to me. The score never evens, though, for the more I give, the more I always receive.”   How Alanon Works, p 211

[myanonymousthoughts]

Pelican

It was Christmas Eve, and I was on a run on a causeway in Key Colony in Marathon, Florida.  It’s a single road with a speed limit of about 20, a bike path on the shoulder surrounded by water on both sides.  As I was running on the path, a pelican sort of fell out of the air onto the street.

Something wasn’t right. White SUVs were coming from either way, both slowed to a stop to let this pelican totter off the street.  With craning necks, the drivers and passengers slowly passed as the struggling bird wobbled on the shoulder just before me.  Awww, poor thing! I, too, stood watching it with pity and concern as it tried to muster the energy for flight. 

Just as it began to open its wings, a truck came barreling down the street toward us.  This Red F150, quickly approaching, slammed on the breaks just as the bird spread its wings and WHAM, they collided.  Bird bones on steel.

I could hardly see the driver up in the high cab, only his raised eyebrows, but both of our faces were in shock.  This poor bird! The nonsense of it, this man slammed into this gorgeous pelican when everyone else had the sense and decency to slow to a stop.   I gestured with two middle fingers and told this guy to fuck off, and I asked what the fuck was wrong with him? Didn’t he see the fucking injured pelican, you fuck?

The bird lay in the road but tried dizzily to get up. His wing was clipped, but again he spread his wings and drunkenly flew off into the horizon.  I don’t think he was going to fare very well.

The very next day, I went to an 8am Christmas meeting.  A man sat down, and it clicked.  “That bird, that pelican, he came out of nowhere! Was that you yesterday?”  I nodded.  It was Red F150!  He told me about how he didn’t even see the thing, and it flew right in front of his truck.  Was that me flicking him off? Was I flicking off him or the bird?

“Well, both of you, I guess, now,” I told him.

It occurred to me how different our reactions were because of how different our perspectives were. From where I stood in the street, having witnessed a pair of white SUV near-misses, I bore witness to the saga of this struggling creature, and recognized the danger, felt its total vulnerability, and wanted to protect it.  From where Red F150 sat, crossing a bridge, doing 25 in a 20, this surprise spread its wings before him, seeming to come out of nowhere, of nothing, a dangerous traffic hazard, and he just did his best to stop in time.

[myanonymousthoughts]

Prayer for Food, Part 2

God,

I offer you my thoughts about food.

Direct me toward gratitude & nourishment of spirit.

I ask for physical & spiritual protection for all

who had a loving hand in preparation of this bounty:

the chefs, butchers, cooks, farmers, gardeners,

facility workers, and delivery drivers alike.

May all these brothers know that their efforts

contribute to our health & benefit the world.

May I never take them for granted!

May this recognition be top of mind,

That I may follow suit and so too heal the world

with a contribution of my own.

Thy will, not mine, be done.

Amen.

[myanonymousthoughts]

Prayer for Food, Part 1

God,

I offer you my thoughts about food.

Direct me toward gratitude & nourishment of spirit,

And right-size my relationship with food.

Help me to care gently and lovingly

for the body you’ve entrusted to me,

But to not obsess about it or abuse it.

Help me to remember I am Good just as I am!

And that I am not a Body. I am Free.

For I am just as you created me.

I ask for this recognition & detachment with love,

That I may better do thy will.

Amen.

[myanonymousthoughts]

Prayer for Work

God,

Please guide me in all my affairs, including my work.

I surrender my job, my career, to you.

Please give my life some sense of purpose.

Help me find an appropriate sense of urgency.

Help me be patient & kind. I ask for grace and serenity. 

Help me determine when I need act

& when I need do Nothing.

Use my talents and abilities to spread love.

Use me as an instrument of your peace.

Help me to remember that my real job is

to heal myself by extending endless love to my brothers,

as you have extended endless love to me.

I ask for these things with love,

Amen.

[myanonymousthoughts]

Prayer for a Family Relation

God,

We offer this damaged relationship to you.

It is our yearning for our family to be whole.

Let us be reminded: there is no order of difficulty in miracles.

We ask, then, for a miracle:

Heal this broken relationship.  Soften this hardened heart.

Restore our fellowship, trust, and gratitude.

Give us the grace to love others beyond their defects,

as you so willingly love us beyond ours.

Let forgiveness be our motto, as you have so freely forgiven us.

Help us to tread effortlessly down the sacred path of

our eldest brother, jesus,

who loved indiscriminately & without reservation.

Let us take inspiration from this example.

Let us bathe in the magnificent sunlight of the spirit,

as you continue to do for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Bless our dear brothers,

And help us to see all your sweet children as our brethren.

We ask for physical & spiritual protection for them all. 

We ask for these things with love.

Thy will, not ours, be done.

Amen.

[myanonymousthoughts]

Prayer for your Home

God,

We offer this house to you.

Bless our home that it might become a sacred space for

growth, intimacy and companionship. 

Allow us to be safe and prosperous here.

We ask for physical & spiritual protection of those

living within these walls, as well as our beloved friends,

family, visitors, mail-carriers, delivery drivers,

and passers-by alike.

Bless our neighbors, that we may get to know them

and love them as you do.

Bless our neighborhood.  Give us the energy to deepen

our brotherly bonds within our community,

as you would have us do.

We ask for these things with love,

Amen.

[myanonymousthoughts]

My Parent, myself

This morning I heard a share from a man I have never met. One of the thing I took away from his story was how important his being a Father is to him. His children had been taken from him and he couldn't see them for a few years. He demonstrated through story how these children are back in his life and rely upon him - he is taking his daughter to get a manicure today. He is teaching his son how to shave.

He got me thinking about Parenting. I have two friends who just had children, they're in their first 60 days of parenting, and a third who is in her ninth month as a mother. One of the common experiences I am hearing about is how, just when they're getting comfortable with their baby's behavior, pattern, schedule, whatever, it seems to change. The only constant is change. Just when you think you've gotten into the groove, something happens to change things - good, bad, neutral. Just when you've got a good sleep cycle going, they're teething. Just you've got the hang of your new job, there's a Pandemic. Just when you've settled into a healthy work-from-home sober routine, the owners sell your building. Just when you've accepted a lifetime of being single, you meet someone great.

What we learn in recovery is how to regulate ourselves, with the help of our ultimate Parent - the power greater than ourselves. Just when we start to feel like we're making progress, something shifts - either we discover a new challenge or have a break-through. Either way, it's the perspective shift that stretches us thin like silly putty and we are remolded. The Hope for Today reading touches on an adjacent topic. Part of recovery is detaching from others - offering our experience, strength and hope with love and letting go of outcomes. This is what our Parent is teaching - let go & let God. But, oh, how much easier said than done.

The Random Flip offered a hilarious addition: the obstacle of peace is my unwillingness to have it. It is being offered to me; can't I just take it? Don't I notice how much easier things are when I just gently hold it? Don't I know I can always have it? Yet I continue to refuse it! Tisk, tisk! ...And I think I've reclaimed sanity, lol.

Hope for Today, August 27: "Detaching from others and getting to know myself go hand in hand"

Course Random Flip, p 407 "A. The First Obstacle: The Desire to get Rid of it. 1. The first obstacle that peace must flow across is your desire to get rid of it. For it cannot extend unless you keep it. You are the center from which it radiates outward to call the others in. You are its home; its tranquil dwelling place from which it gently reaches out, but never leaving you."

[myanonymousthoughts]

Heaven is Made Richer

Wow, what a lovely thought - Heaven is made richer as we accept the gifts the Universe gives to us. What gifts am I being given today?

Well, since I don't place all my identity (or any of it) in my job anymore, I have been given the gift of time. Time to reflect. Time to talk on the phone with people I love. Time to play in the yard with my dog and the hot-dog named Lou I am babysitting. Time to throw in the laundry, and time to fold it. Time to make an excellent egg bake & sweet potato fries, and time to throw it back up. Oops, fuck. Progress not perfection...? Time to watch television.

Encouraged by a friend of mine, I watched the Season finale of And Just Like That, Season 2. I was just chatting via text with that friend. When that show senses it's ending, or going to get canceled, it's as if the writers completely melt down and write out the most insane plot lines for these beloved characters. I don't think I need to expand upon that thought here, but it is truly baffling, some of the decisions they make. Carrie's monologue about letting go of expectations, however, was fire.

Letting go of outcomes, and letting things be more magnificent than you could have possibly designed them to be. How good can you stand it??

Fucking Magic. Happy Friday :)

The Course - Random Flip p 536

"It is [God's] special function to hold out to you to gifts the innocent deserve. And every one that you accept brings joy to Him as well as you. He knows that Heaven is richer made by each one you accept."

[myanonymousthoughts]

Any Given Wednesday

Right now, I am struggling to plug into my work. I am physically plugged in right now, actually, but I more mean I am having trouble generating electricity around my job. I identify so deeply with the main character of Office Space. I forget the actual line, but he says something like "on any given day, I'd say I do like 2-3 hours of actual work." That's how I feel, except it's probably less than that. I am constantly "looking for things to do", if even! It's more that I know there are things I could do, and I am choosing not to because I don't want to. I used to not feel this way. I used to feel useful, knowledgable. Even when I was frustrated, I felt I was contributing to our sales, our bottom line, our end goal, our primary purpose.

Now, we are at that adolescent stage as an organization. I'm witnessing the aging of a young, hip entrepreneurial organization to a rigid, siloed corporate organization. It is tragic and frustrating, since I liked how things were when we were figuring them out. I am frustrated! I am uninspired and frustrated.

But, I am certainly not alone - and there must be resources for someone who feels as stuck as I do, right?? The movie Office Space exists because tons of other people resonate with that main character, just the same as I do! And, boy, today's readings are perfect. Me feeling like an exception, like I am the only one who doesn't like their job, is hysterical. Here's a thought: how about try showing up to my current colleagues with a good attitude (I don't), quietly explore other things (I kind of do, kind of don't), and just go with the flow (I don't). I am walking a well-tread path - seeking meaningful vocation. Not looking for my dream job, but looking for something that doesn't make me want to end it all...

I pray today, again for clarity. I pray that I can find the magic in others, and within myself in the process.

Daily Reflections - August 23 "I was an exception"

Course - Random Flip; p. 322 reads: "As the ego would limit your perception of your brothers to the body, so would the Holy Spirit release your vision and let you see the Great Rays shining from them, so unlimited that they reach to God.''

[myanonymousthoughts]

Dance like Nobody's Watching; Talk like Nobody's Fighting

I spoke to my sister today for the first time in a while. I mean like talked on the phone for an hour or whatever. We used to talk all the time.

She really hurt me this summer, and I got tired of the chaos of her addiction, so I set a serious boundary. The first one...ever, really. We are easing back into our relationship now. I am trying to course correct, to find the right balance. I've realized there are ways for us to have a relationship if we just stick to "primary purpose" in our conversations. If we don't discuss "outside issues". (It stuns me how much the principles help me in all parts of my life.). I'm always trying to tell her how she should live her life or evangelize her toward Program... as a result, we both hate me. (Not only is it off-putting, it goes against the idea of "attraction rather than promotion".)

I want so deeply to be close again. She and are like two peas, but I really don't have to put up with some of the shit she pulls when she's in her feels. Her feels, to me, look like victimhood, self-pity, these kinds of things. She's an artist, a big feeler, an Enneagram 4, if that resonates with anyone. I am less that way.

Today, we discussed how her soon-to-be 5-year-old will start kindergarten next week Wednesday, and she's really nervous about it. She is a single Mom. I think it's harder for her, maybe, than it is for him. I tried to be supportive, loving, and listen. I think I did OK. Toward the end of the call, after things had been great for the most part, she started giving me advice about something I didn't need advice for. I lovingly told her, "I have to go," and ended the call.

She texted me that she recognized she was giving unsolicited advice, but that it went in the flow of the call. I told her All Good! Love you! And I meant it.

Progress, not perfection. We are learning how to communicate in a new way, because I am learning to communicate in a new way. I am not a doormat, but I can be kind while standing firm to protecting my peace.

A Course in Miracles - Random Flip

"Simple justice asks no more" - p537

[myanonymousthoughts]

Would you fight for it?

I just hand the strangest, most open conversation with my boyfriend. Neither of us is going to break up with the other, we both see there is a lot of good. After a couple minutes of conversation, I asked him, "if I broke up with you tonight, told you it wasn't working, would you fight for it?"

God, I offer myself to the, to build with me and do as thou will.

God knows I want a lasting, loving relationship. If this ain't it, then this ain't it, but, sheesh I crave clarity. Go with the tide; stop trying to swim upstream.

Tonight, I pray for clarity.

[myanonymousthoughts]

I hear only the Holy Spirit in you, Who speaks to me through you

As I combine the ideas in today's readings below, I am reminded of the Zulu term Ubuntu: I am because we are. The daily reading resonates with me, though. As I seek, and the magic of recovery is slowly revealed, I, too, am tempted to evangelize.

I do it. I hate that I do it, yet I keep on doing it. I do it, it falls on deaf ears, and I do it again. Doing the same thing over and over again.. is there a word for that?

You don't know me in life - I am a talker. I love to talk. I love conversation. I love connecting, and I think when I am talking, I am connecting. What I am forgetting when I am speaking, especially preaching, is that I am missing out. If I really think about it, everything I have learned has been through listening. I learn from people in recovery rooms - some that I still see, many I don't. I learn from a woman living in rural North Carolina who was giddy to visit her childhood friend in California; sure, she was nervous to fly, especially after Covid, but it was the nearness of death that motivated the travel. I learn from a girl whose brother died at 29, who has survived 7 overdoses; she's put on a little weight, but she has much gratitude for her functioning body. I learn from Mom, who wishes her Mom would have been a different type of Mom.

The more I talk, the less I am listening to the Spirit of the Universe, which speaks to me through others. The more I preach, the more I turn away those with whom I might be able to truly connect, or even serve. I would be wise to work a program of attraction, rather than promotion. I would be wise to let my footwork do the talking.

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Hope For Today - August 17

"...I knew many people who could benefit from the wisdom I was receiving in Alanon, and I decided it was my job to enlighten them.

Then I came to a new understanding of Step 3, in which I turn my will (thoughts) and my life (actions) over to the care of the Higher Power of my understanding. I finally realized I don't have to enlighten anyone. Part of turning my life over to my Higher Power now includes turning over my loved ones and all of their words, actions and attitudes as well.."

A Course in Miracles - Random Flip, p. 165

"You will not know the trust I have in you unless you extend it. You will not trust the guidance of the Holy Spirit, or believe that it is for you unless you hear it in others. It must be for your brother because it is for you. Would God have created a Voice for you alone?"

[myanonymousthoughts]

All my Problems have been Solved

I am writing at the end of a long and busy day. This week I organized a lot of meetings with people I haven't met up for a while (if ever!), and today I had two of those meetings.

One was with my old boss. She and I used to have a pretty adversarial relationship. We are both at times bull-headed & stubborn, and we would butt heads with some regularity, especially as I began to catch my stride in the company. About a year ago, she left our industry, and she went back to school to become a middle school social studies teacher at the age of 52. Today, she inspires me. As I have become more and more frustrated with my work, I reached out to her. Mainly, I wanted to understand why she left. What was the last straw? This was all last week - we talked for about an hour over the phone and then arranged to meet for lunch. Today was the lunch.

As we spoke, we discussed all kinds of things, but the conversation ultimately turned to powerlessness over wine. We discussed it generally, and then we discussed it specifically. I felt comfortable to share with her that I have found recovery in 12-Step Fellowship, and she seemed comfortable to share that she has thought about checking it out. That's where we left it. I think we both felt gratitude for the growth step in our friendship today. It was a complete and utter surprise.

Then, I met up with a new gal who has asked me to sponsor her. I have only ever sponsored one other person, and it was really a mess, so I entered into this request with some trepidation. This person lives at a Halfway House. Their addiction was to opioids, which is a whole category with which I never fooled around. None of that matters, of course.

As we spoke, we discussed our stories. She lost a 29-year old brother in 2017. I lost a 29-year old brother in 2012. When we realized it, she showed me her arm and said, "I have goose bumps." I laughed, because I don't even get goose-pimples from things like that anymore. In my head it's like, "oh, obviously. Of course we both have dead brothers and of course they died at 29, and of course we are discovering this immediately during our first ever conversation." This is just how my Higher Power works. It, like, douses me with a bucket of cold water over my head, being like, "Is this obvious enough for you, dummy??" It's the wink that I am in the right place doing the right thing.

So, I open the Course to see what it can offer me today, and I flipped randomly to Lesson 80: Let me recognize all my problems have been solved. I think I have problems. I think I can list them, and I think I can tell you how they separate me from you. The truth is that my Higher Power has the answers - all my problems have been solved. I don't even have anything to add to that really.

[myanonymousthoughts]

The Banana Girl

There are some people in my neighborhood that have been building a camp outside this summer, but it’s not a summer camp.  It’s down by the train station in town.  It started as 1-2 people, and it’s really grown.  By now it’s like 10+ people and everyone seems to have their own bedroom made of materials we house-dwellers leave in our alleys.  They found a couch. It’s white, certainly shows dirt, but it looks comfortable.  I’m half-joking here, but this community shows a lot about human resourcefulness. 

About half the group is nodding off whenever I go by.  Truthfully, it’s hard for me to watch, and even harder to live, I’m sure.  

I keep on thinking about how I could be of service to these pop-up neighbors.  I’ve thought about how I could go to the grocery store and get a bunch of bananas, a couple bunches even. I work from home and have a flexible start time - I could do this every single day.  Every day, I could go get bananas, bring them over and say, “here are your bananas!”

Bananas are better than packaged food.  They’ll offer nice levels of sugar, carbs, and energy. They’re affordable enough where I could keep getting them every single day. As I keep showing up, the group will notice, and they’ll start to greet me when I come by. “Here comes the Banana Lady!” they’ll say. Or they’ll call me Banana Girl, whatever. I look younger than I am.  I figure we would shoot the shit before I have to head home and hop online to work.  I imagine it being sort of fun.

There is nothing preventing me from doing it. Yet, not once have I brought over a single banana. How insane.

[myanonymousthoughts]

New Here

I’ve changed some things in the past couple years.  For one thing, now, when I am given a suggestion, I’m likely to take it.  I didn’t used to be like that. I used to nod when I was given a suggestion, then tick through a list of reasons why it wouldn’t work for me, or put a plan together about how I would try it someday when things had calmed down, like once I finished a 30 day juice fast and was skinnier and liked myself more.  I could try your suggestion once I was more financially stable, once I got back from vacation, after the holidays, once I got a good night’s sleep.

Today, I’ll actually take a suggestion, especially if I like it. 

“Maybe you could keep an anonymous journal, and send whatever’s on your mind out into the universe.” I’ve had a lot of swirling thoughts, and it was suggested that I write them down, so, OK, let’s roll.   Let’s release all expectations that anything brilliant or interesting will emerge, or that anyone else will even read it. Let’s release an expectation about how long or how often.

Today’s Daily Reflections Reading: August 15 - Didn’t We Hurt Anybody?

This reading discusses how we sometimes think we aren’t hurting anyone but ourselves, but upon additional review, we find that we actually are hurting others with our behavior.  It may not look like fighting, grappling, yelling or hitting, but our isolating, being absent, not being impeccable with our word, whatever the case, takes a toll on those we love and can wound just the same.

A Course in Miracles: Random Page Flip For Today (Chapter 25: THE JUSTICE OF GOD, p. 538)

“The world deceives, but it cannot replace God’s justice with a version of its own.  For only love is just, and can perceive what justice must accord the Son of God. Let love decide, and never fear that you, in your unfairness, will deprive yourself of what God’s justice has allotted you.

“IX The Justice of Heaven: What can it be but arrogance to think your little errors cannot be undone by Heaven’s justice?”

This reading suggests that even so, whatever our shortcomings, our Higher Power is far more powerful than any off the shit we've done in the past. In this reading we are reminded that shaming ourselves for making mistakes in our past is a waste of time, arrogant even. These two readings contradict a little, like most important things do. 

On the one hand, yes, we look at how we treated people when we were living less mindfully and we can see how we may have hurt others.  No, we don’t fixate on or obsess about what we’ve done in the past to and let it inhibit our growth today.  We are reminded that the Higher Power guidance is to do our best today: show up for others, be thoughtful loving, gentle and kind. Just for today.