my baby is average.

Some people think their babies are special snowflakes. We think our baby is completely average. Here are his stories. Read on if you like, or don't. He's not very interesting. Most babies aren't.

[mybabyisaverage]

My baby is really into fireworks these days

"Dad, have you ever heard the 1812 Symphony?" asked my baby, innocently gnawing on the handle of his sippy cup. "Of course, baby" I replied. "It's a beautiful piece of music." "Have you heard it while watching fireworks though?" My baby peered at me intently. "Well.... Yes. A lot!" I told him. "It's pretty common around Independence Day, what with the cannon booms working so well to synch to fireworks." "Hmph" said my baby, darkly. He stared at me, almost through me. "It's interesting that a quintessentially Russian work would come to figure so prominently in the cultural celebrations of America..... Wouldn't you say... Dad?" I was mystified. "Errrr...yes?" My baby carefully placed his sippy cup on the table. "Would you therefore go AS FAR as confirming the Russian influence in America as DECADES LONG??!?" "Ok baby, you need to log off." "HAVE YOU READ THE LATEST FROM SETH ABRAMSON YET DAD" I've had to change the Wi-fi password again.

[mybabyisaverage]

My baby is woke

He's so woke that he fell back asleep. (Needless to say, he's a huge fan of the curriculum at the Los Feliz Daycare)

[mybabyisaverage]

My baby wishes to be addressed only as "Mortdecai"

We originally thought that was the name one of Sophie's anthropomorphic French friends. Apparently we were wrong, as my baby also demanded to attend a screening of said film at Cinetots. Needless to say, my baby, together with all the rest of the babies, loved it. Next week's Cinetots screening is "The Lazarus Effect".

[mybabyisaverage]

My baby cries through all of "We Need to Talk About Kevin"

We couldn't tell if he is a cultural philistine or if he genuinely had problems with the infamous storyline. He later explained that he couldn't figure out why the costume designer dressed Tilda Swinton in "such rags".

[mybabyisaverage]

My baby think he's a big deal for having 10 perfect little fingers and 10 perfect little toes

Somebody's been spending too much time with Grandma.

[mybabyisaverage]

My baby finds your lack of faith disturbing.

"Seriously, Dad?" my baby asked me, exasperated. "People are actually legitimately upset about Disney buying Star Wars?"

"Seriously, baby." I replied, mashing up a banana in a bowl. "It's not being received well, generally."

"Oh come on!" my baby cried. "It's not like the last three movies were any good, amirite??"

"You're completely right, baby," I nodded.

"And really, if we're splitting hairs here," my baby continued, struggling valiantly against his high chair restraints, "Return of the Jedi wasn't a real standout either."

"I don't know if I agree with you on that one, baby." I tried to stare him down over his bananas. "Fans have a lot of good memories of that one."

"Dad!!" my baby yelled. "That dance? At the end? With all those Ewoks? Undignified!"

"Ok, ok baby." I conceded the point.

"And also, Star Tours has been at the Disney parks since the late 80s, DAD!" my baby wagged his finger at me.

"Honestly, baby, how do you know that?" I asked him quizzically. "You've never been there. And you're also a baby, you wouldn't be able to get on the ride."

"Oh my god, Dad, you don't remember that time??" my baby started whining.

"...No. You've never been. I would know." I said firmly.

"NOT THAT, DAAAD!" he insisted. "That time I put on that hat, and you and Mom started laughing and said I looked goofy, and I didn't know what that meant, so I looked it up on Ask Jeeves, and it said I was a weird anthropomorphic dog-thing, and I was SOOOOO upset??"

"I fail to see what this has to do with Star Tours, baby," I admonished him.

"Well..." said my baby, tugging on his ear for no reason, "..after that I kind of got stuck in a Wikipedia hole about Disney attractions. I KNOW YOU KNOW HOW THAT IS, DAD."

[mybabyisaverage]

Tonight I stumbled upon my baby wearing my wedding dress

He was in our bedroom, staring at himself in the full-length mirror, weeping silently.

"What's wrong, baby?" I asked him gently.

"I'm just so ... beautiful..." he whispered.

"Oh?" I raised an eyebrow.

"You know Mom, I saw it in your pictures," he continued, warming to his topic, "and I really didn't think it was right for me. But now that I see it, I say yes."

"Yes what, baby?" I asked, dreading the answer.

"I SAY YES TO THE DRESS, MOM." my baby snapped at me, rolling his eyes. "Now, how long will the alterations take?"

[mybabyisaverage]

Coversations with my baby, Romney jokes edition

My baby: Hey dad! did you hear Mitt Romney is courting the gay vote?

Me: That doesn't make any sense.

My baby: Oh yeah! He was concerned that all the job applicants were straight! So he asked his staff to see if there was an app for that! So he download Grindr!

Me: That is the worst joke I've ever heard

My baby: THEY BROUGHT HIM GRINDR! GRINDR'S FULL OF GAY MEN!

[mybabyisaverage]

I am a cancer and i have a crush on a guy who is a capricorn. will this work?

"Well, at least they both like to stay in!", my baby said supportively.

My baby feels that neither of you like to go to nightclubs, but you like to cuddle in front of a fire and he would prefer to do his taxes like the robot that he is.  

But my baby is quite affectionate, and his best friend is a Roomba, so robots aren't all that bad.

Thank you for your question.

[mybabyisaverage]

Dear Average Baby: I told a friend that I would help him move some things this afternoon, but now I just want to sit around and ooze on the couch. How can I get myself motivated to be a good friend? Or, alternatively, what lie can I tell to get myself out of it?

My baby once again thanks his lucky stars that he has such poor muscle tone - he never gets asked to help move things, and it makes him very good at oozing on the couch.

My baby is big on choice. He suggests that you remind yourself you have a choice in this matter and each option has pros and cons. If you choose to help your friend move, you get a good workout, get to spend some time with your friend, and can call in a similar favour later.  If you hang out on the couch, you can be comfortable, watch some good tv, and have some you time. Both sound great!

My baby cautions against helping because you feel you HAVE to or making an excuse and feeling guilty, thus not enjoying your oozing time.

As for lies to get out of it, my baby once told his nursery school teacher that he wouldn't be in class tomorrow because he was "having his leg off in the morning".  When my baby showed up with two legs two days later, the jig was up. So if you're going to lie, my baby suggests something menstrual cycle related, because nobody will look down there in your private business, unless your friend is a Republican.

Thank you for your question!

[mybabyisaverage]

Dear Average Baby, due to my state's lax early-voter laws, I voted like a week ago. How do I get running politicians to stop calling me?

My baby will answer your question even though he MUCH prefers his beloved Encarta CD-ROM collection to any online encyclopedia.

My baby suggests you turn the tables on the politicians by asking them about their day in a patronizing and intrusive fashion. My baby loves asking questions like, "And how are YOU today? No really, how ARE YOU?".  When they try to turn the tables, my baby ups the ante, saying things like, "Wow, you must be working hard these days. How do you find a good work-life balance?", or "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

In my baby's experience, the caller will either try to get off the phone or respond in an irritated fashion. At this point, my baby likes to adopt an attitude of solicitous concern and murmur in hushed tones, "You seem upset. Is everything ok at home?"

Nobody calls my baby any more.

Hope this helps and thanks for your question!

[mybabyisaverage]

Dear Average Baby: I have a recurring dream that I'm at my own funeral. I'm not a ghost or anything, just watching. It's scary. What's up with that?

My baby finds this dream to be very spooky!

My baby is reminded of psychoanalyst named Alice Miller, who described a similar dream in her book "The Drama of the Gifted Child".  Although my baby hated this book (he is more interested in the banal, petty daily dramas of the average baby), he wonders if it may apply to you.

"THIS ANONYMOUS PERSON CAN'T EXPRESS ANGER", my baby yelled angrily. "SHE GIVES AND GIVES AND LISTENS AND LISTENS AND IS SCARED TO BE SELFISH."

My baby, who has never had any difficulty accessing his own rage, continued confidently:

"She gives up so much of her self she is scared there is nothing left.  The funeral is also about the feelings of the people she cares about, not her own.  And further, by seeing herself dead she's punishing herself, rather than accessing the rage she may feel at her loved ones sometimes."

"Whoa, baby", I mused. "That's pretty deep."

"SHUT UP DAD", my baby replied.

Thanks for your question!

[mybabyisaverage]

DEAR AVERAGE BABY WEDNESDAY

My baby's dispensing advice today, in the following realms:

1) Romantic 

2) Parenting 

3) Dream Interpretation

4) Astrological Profiling

5) Politics

Send him a question! You might regret it!

[mybabyisaverage]

My baby won't stop singing about Mitt Romney to the tune of Pocketful of Sunshine.

WELL MITT'S GOT A BINDER FULL A BINDER FULL OF WOMEN

HE'S GOT SOME BROADS AND HE KNOWS THAT THEIR ALL HIS! OH OH OH OH OH!

...

(H/T to the hilarious @annetdonahue on twitter)

[mybabyisaverage]

Dear Average Baby, I have come seeking some romantic advice. I am in love with my best friend but he is dating another girl, who is a ridiculous freak. How do I win him over? Cause I'm fucking awesome. Also, I would like to add that you are an average baby of refreshing candor and I truly admire your frankness.

My baby heartily thanks you for YOUR candor! 

My baby suggests that you stand outside his door carrying a boom box  blasting "You Belong To Me" by Taylor Swift, although he cautions this plan will only work if the ridiculous freak is actually you in a wig.

Alternatively, my baby suggests you gently let your crush know about your feelings (that you like him, not that you don't like his lady friend) over msn messenger and back off a bit until he figures out what he wants to do.  If he wants to stay with the other gal, or join the peace corps, that's on him.

Whatever the outcome is, you can be proud that you handled yourself honestly and honourably and fucking awesomely. My baby may be a huge douche most of the time, but he is usually honest and sometimes honourable.

Thanks for your question!

[mybabyisaverage]

My baby was tremendously disappointed to find out that Zayn from One Direction was not, in fact, Billy Zane.

"Four teens and Billy Zane! Now THAT'S a great band!", my baby sighed wistfully.

[mybabyisaverage]

My baby hates the idea of a potential new sibling so much he's taken to writing horrible reviews of his mother's uterus on tripadvisor.

"And yelp!", my baby yelped.