MyConfusedRamblings

I've been told my life is like an American teen movie The super confused ramblings of a bisexual women thing who is trying to find her place in this confusing world

[myconfusedramblings]

This is what I get for opening up

So... I may have suffered a slight breakdown last night. God knows what induced it but I decided, "let's get this charade over and tell the cute guy how you feel. Doesn't that sound just wonderful and not at all going to lead to humiliation of any sort?"

Guess what? I did it. I told him. And guess what?? This is real life, not a fairy tale. To be exact, it's my life, not a fairy tale or anyone else's life. So what happens in my life?? Does the girl get the guy and they live happily ever after?? Does she at least get a date?

No. No is the short answer. I get told how much he likes me as a friend and how he wants to focus on college.

So what's making this blog worthy?? Simple. The fact that he was so nice about it. That's what's making this blog worthy. He didn't laugh at me or mock me. He didn't get his friend to tell my friend. That's what's making this blogworthy. The fact that I finished that conversation, knowing that we were not ever going to be more then friends but still being happy about the fact we were. In actual fact, I'm thanking my lucky stars that we struck up conversation in October 2013, instead of two years previously when we attended the same event. Circumstances at the time wouldn't have let me even speak to him properly, let alone be friends. 

And I'm pretty happy with the friends I've got. Even the cute ones. 

[myconfusedramblings]

Let it go.. let it go!!!!

Letting go. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes it's hard. 

Right now, one of guy friends is treating me like utter crap. Or rather, this has been going on FOR MONTHS and I'm now starting to get sick of it. Letting go was my problem but I can't let the last outburst go. 

What's scaring me is that now my approach to it is one of "Revenge is a dish best eaten cold" on top of wanting to avoid him until I get my head straight. Direct revenge has never been my style. But at this moment in time, I have more then one idea bouncing around my head and all I need to do is do gather the support to make it happen...Let it go or charge on ahead??

[myconfusedramblings]

Waiting

Normally, I'm a pretty patient person... but one thing I've found I've lost my tolerance for. It's waiting. I hate waiting. For packages to ship. For people to reply to my messages or to return my phone calls. To hear the results from applications I've made. 

I don't know why, but waiting has taken the turn of not just being something I've tolerated and sometimes even enjoyed, to something that has started to make me feel worthless. I'm starting to feel that everyone else is moving on, growing up and having amazing things happen to them. Then there's me. I'm stuck. In this weird mentality, that feels like I'm a 13 year old that somehow ended up in a 20 year old college students body. I'm stuck, watching everyone do amazing things that I can't even dream of doing. I'm staying in the same place, doing the same things, day in, day out. 

It's time to either break my own little mould or else accept my fate. Stay in my small little town and stay the same. 

"Sometimes little kids end up in big person bodies"- Leonard Hofstader 

[myconfusedramblings]

I may be Turning Crazy...

Well, once again it's been awhile and I've had an awful lot of thinking to do. I might as well put some of those thoughts to paper....

I'm trying to start a HerCampus Chapter at my college. I am clearly NUTS with this plan. I mean, I'm not exactly a good writer as readers of this blog (emmm... technid and fingersonfangs are my only two readers that I know of, and I'm sure they'll be honest and agree with me on this). I mean, I have trouble updating this blog regularly and it only started as a means of getting my emotions down. Keeping myself in check, so I could be totally logical with myself and what I was feeling. I wasn't writing hard hitting political exposes or fantastic articles about fashion or beauty. I was simply writing about how I felt in the moment. I barely proof read, let alone properly edit. I barely have time to sleep properly and that doesn't seem to be changing in the next few weeks... 

Yet, if all goes to plan, come September, I might be editor (if they'll have me) of a magazine..

Oh god, help me. What have I gotten myself into??

[danielkobg]

Americans Were Asked To Place European Countries On A Map. Here’s What They Wrote:

[petesbubblebutt]

i have been laughing for days “glad to see college paid off” “i went to college i have my masters” “cold”

[petesbubblebutt]

Reblogging again because perfection

[songofages]

Why is australia in europe XD?

[iwasdancing]

‘Rafa Nadal?’ XD

[myconfusedramblings]

We demand McDonalds pay their staff living wages, #endzerohours & recognise collective bargaining #fastfoodglobal http://thndr.it/1l39seF

[myconfusedramblings]

The Problem With Casual Porn

I'm starting to notice a... worrying and annoying trend, I guess that is starting to appear on my Facebook timeline- the increase in pages like this https://www.facebook.com/pages/Selfie/1384150965203793?ref=profile and this https://www.facebook.com/pages/Selfie/1384150965203793?ref=profile (Links NSFW btw). The problem lies with the fact that these pages were liked by people that I respected and liked. People who I thought knew better, who could realise the affects that the normalisation of porn has on society as a whole. FFS, these people have also liked my university's feminist society!! They have agreed with me that women should be seen as, and treated as equals and can see the problems caused by the prevalent rape culture that we as a society have. Yet they like these pages, which fly in the face of everything else they have said... 

Look, I have no problem with you jerking off. Just keep your jerk off material to yourself and OFF my facebook timeline. 

[myconfusedramblings]

Stacy, he's not a guy, he's a little prick"

Fast Times At Ridgemont High

[myconfusedramblings]

Hair

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_u4L8kJy68 

One thing I've noticed.... every person I've ever been attracted to has had seriously good hair. Regardless of weather they were male, female or dinosaur and regardless of hair type or colour. It's been nice, soft, well behaved hair... Am I seeing a pattern beyond the "slightly weird and into guys" box that I'd noticed a while back? Like, maybe with just the hair thing, I might be able to move into "nice person, who likes me back and isn't a creepy weirdo" territory?? Here's hoping 

[myconfusedramblings]

"Why are we Hearing About This Wan's Overies"

That sentence has been in my head for the last few weeks, after watching an interview with Michelle Heaton with my dad in which she detailed her entire struggles with her health. Now, this felt like the sixth such interview with Heaton I had seen in about 3 weeks- I was sick of her face and knew her story like it was my own. However, my dad didn't and it was his reaction that shocked me. He just sneered and laughed at Heaton- about her double mastectomy, her reproductive health, just everything.  I can't say I was ever her biggest fan, but what she's doing- coming forward and being 100% honest about everything she's been through is to be admired and respected. She might even encourage more women to look after themselves, health wise. That's not to be laughed at. What really troubles me- if this had been an man talking about how he got his balls removed because of a cancer risk, would my father have so.. so....flippant.  DEAR GOD I AM ACTUALLY JUST GETTING MORE AND MORE OUTRAGED WRITING THIS. Because I know that answer, and that answer is no. No he wouldn't have. He's respect that man and go "far play  to him". I can't believe I'm living with parents like mine- and I would rather jump off a bridge then turn out like them, because however much I love and respect my mother, my father's a total asswipe who doesn't deserve her and should wake up and realise how good he has it, rather then acting like the borderline abusive, sexist, unsupportive pig that he is.  

Seriously, I've meet some great guys in college, that actually amaze me with something very very simple: They treat women with respect, like human beings. That shouldn't be something that amazes me but it does, purely because it's something I've never experienced or seen before. Hell, that's why I'm a feminist- I just want to be equal and treated with respect. It's not too much to ask for is it?? Yet until 6 months ago, I honestly felt it was something that I was fighting an uphill battle for and while we still have a seriously long way to go, our hill isn't as steep as I thought it was, in some respects. We're getting there. Slowly but surely. Will our generation actually be the one to achieve full gender equality?? Doubtful, but we can dream. 

[zenjai-deactivated20220225]

It’s quite interesting when you like someone, you start to notice that everything about them seems more attractive when it seems normal to everyone else. Their smile seems so much brighter. The sound of their voice is more soothing. Their goofy laugh sounds much cuter. Every little thing about them just reels you in. It’s like their imperfections don’t seem bad at all. It’s funny how our view of someone depends on how we feel about them.

[myconfusedramblings]

Solidarity is for Winners

So, I guess a quick update might be needed. So I don't forget anything. 

Brussels happened and it was amazing, possibly one of the greatest trips I've taken so far but I know it won't be the last amazing trip I take with my friends. Despite the bumps on the road, mainly due to a dodgy group member and the ingestion of a waffle with cream and chocolate by a lactose intolerant member of the group (swear it wasn't me... but that waffle was so worth it. It was so GOOD. I'd do it again. Y'know like, if I really had to), it all went well and our photos prove it. Some of the people I've met are just amazing- not only while I was in Brussels but also in college and then just seem to go above and beyond my expectations every day. Solidarity is an amazing thing, that is, for me, becoming more and more interlinked with the word friendship. 

Oh and since we can't go a post without mentioning my love life- it would be a crime wouldn't it?? My friends have jumped on the helping my love life bandwagon. "You and XXX would be really cute together, everyone thinks it" "How does it feel to be in the same room as your future husband?" and "XXX is convinced there's something going on between XXX and you". It would be seriously seriously funny if it hadn't been going on for a little longer then it should. Oh well... 

And another friend has another guy in mind for me. I'm convinced she's delusional and we waged a bet- She owes me a frappechino if he only likes me as a friend and I owe her one if he likes me as something more. Now... I'm unsure which outcome I want to see. But let's not worry too much and take everything as it comes. After all, we've exams to get through before anything else.

Please god let me make it to second year. I really like this course and college and I don't want to have to leave.

[mapsontheweb]

Map of European leaders.

[faelan01-deactivated20140525]

this is highly disturbing

[hdhjwkekndhchywbhwjdkhsgh]

i thought putin was hannibal for a second

[dangerouswomandeluxe]

"Okay, should we get some coffee?"

[thatmattattack]

#friends #aka how to finale

[sonjaaargh-blog]

[myconfusedramblings]

The Future's Bright... But What The Hell Is Going On In My Stomach??

So.. to continue with my last post- I got the position!!! Whoop!! Yaaaay... I'm on my way now!!! Not only that, I convinced my friends to also join the party. Of course, the all expenses paid trip to Brussels might have been the deciding factor in that. Yeah, you read that right. 26 of us in total, are going to Brussels for two days. Two days of fun,flights and hotel paid for, quite nicely, by our chose political party. Whoopwhoop. Excited isn't the word for it. The future looks brighter then the sun at the moment- it's going to rock. Everything's amazing. 

So of course, the one thing that would bug me is my love life. Or rather...My ex is moving on, quite nicely and that's slightly bugging me. Not because I want him back. I'm jealous and annoyed. Because I can't move on. For example,  because of my ex, I can't walk down the street alone with a guy without being paranoid inside that he'll get the wrong idea or try and attack me. Because of my ex, I've started nearly running when I walk alone after dark, can't relax in a situation where I don't know the majority of people very well. I went on a date and had to spend most of it calming myself down, trying to fight the rising panic and stop myself freaking out. I braced myself for the guilt and worry, the feeling that I owed the guy something, like my ex always made me feel, to hit, when he paid for it and could barely control my euphoria when it didn't. I love hugging and cuddling with people, I'm a seriously cuddly person,but because of what my ex has done to me, if there's even a slight risk of me being attracted to you, forget it. It's not happening. I'm not letting you get close to me. I'm not handing you a chance to hurt me, if I think you will

I'm the victim, I guess. From what I've read, this is a common thing. The victim can't move on as fast as the abuser. But I'm seeing him and I know, he'll do the same to her- I can see it and hear it starting to happen already, since he insists on rubbing his new relationship in my face.  And I hate myself for not being able to go out and flirt with everyone, without worrying. For not being able to date without having an emotional meltdown.

Of course, this also means that when I do like someone enough and actually let them in- it's really freaking special. So being told that the guy you thought liked you back was actually using you to see how far he could get, hurts like a kick in the balls. But it was a learning experience and it was a good kick in the balls. Now why I can't I get rid of this weird feeling in my stomach every time he surprises me, by popping up in an unexpected place...

[myconfusedramblings]

The Politics of Life

So I may be stalling, procrastinating from doing any real work. 

I'm meant to be writing a speech, so I can apply for a pretty big position in my previously mentioned political party. And I'm chickening out of writing. In the same way I stayed up until 2am last night, thinking about sending out the emails announcing my intention to run and asking for votes. Yeah. 2AM those things went out. Why?? Do I not want the position or the responsibility?

No, it's not that. 

It's two things. 1: This party has pretty strict gender quotas in place and as one member pointed out, after I reckoned that it wasn't all about my vagina that it "Is. It really is". And I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that. Yes, I badly want the position and yes, I'm the most suitable candidate (the only person running against me has been to about 5 meetings all year) but I can't shake that feeling that I'm only going to get it because I'm female and that goes against my beliefs. Will I be happy with this job, even if I'm unhappy with the way I got it. I don't think I should get it simply because I'm female. That's as unequal in my mind as me not getting it because I'm female. 

and 2: My friend has gone batshit, homophobic crazy and will stop at nothing to destroy me and anything associated with me. And I may not have an undying loyalty to the party itself, I do have a serious loyalty and love of my branch members(See last post. The majority of them are awesome, totally kickass). This girl tried to report me to the police for harassment (I texted her, asking what had happened the night before because I COULDN'T REMEMBER. I was THAT drunk). She'll see a chance to take me down and she'll take it and if she can't see a chance she'll create it. I'm not having my fellow branch members caught in that in any way and so I'm wondering this- do I quit? Give them up, tell them not to contact me, I've no interest anymore?? I don't want to do that but if I have to, I will. 

I'm  not having them hurt in any way. Not because of me.