hello

hi this is my side blog where i basically write about my day and my feeling and thoughts about it, its nothing interesting i just needed a place to have them written down and i didn’t wanted to do it in my notes app

[mydiarybasically]

i went to the harry styles concert yesterday it was an incredible experience it made me feel like life is worth living but today im back home and i feel stressed and hopeless and desperate and depressed again and im also kinda very shocked of how fast my circumstances managed to get me down again i thought i would be able to ride the high of the concert for at least a week but no life is awful again

[mydiarybasically]

and i constantly constantly think about how when i was little they taught me in church to pray for what i wanted for my grown self and i always used to pray for wisdom and peace, and now at my 24 years of age im pretty sure i have undiagnosed adhd, i feel the stupidest i’ve ever felt and i have anxiety and depression, so i guess my prayers didn’t work.

[mydiarybasically]

lately i’ve been getting ready anxious when its time to sleep i dont know why and i hate it

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i hope i die soon i cant fucking do this shit much longer

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the worst thing that has ever happened to me just happened again

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conversations with my best friend are like:

me: tells a story, includes happenings and how i felt about them, asks her about her life, congratulates her on her achievements and in her attempts at new things

her: haha dude

[mydiarybasically]

it feels humiliating as fuck to write a whole story or to try to be enthusiastic about her things and get a response of “hahah yeih” “eeeeaa” “thanks”

[mydiarybasically]

conversations with my best friend are like:

me: tells a story, includes happenings and how i felt about them, asks her about her life, congratulates her on her achievements and in her attempts at new things

her: haha dude

[mydiarybasically]

feeling empty feeling lonely feeling my youth being wasted

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its three in the fucking morning and half of my body is asleep in a way that makes me want to rip my limbs off and i am again resenting my parents for bringing me into this world

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considering unaliving myself again i hate living in this fucking house

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interacted with people today so inevitably im laying here in bed regretting everything i said

[mydiarybasically]

sometimes when people rb my posts they ask in the tags if it okay to reblog it and i dont know how to individually respond to them but yes its okay to rb my posts thank you for asking that is so considerate✨❤️

[mydiarybasically]

so today i came out to my best friend and it went really really well but now i’m at home and it’s feeling way too real and im getting anxiety and i dont like it

[mydiarybasically]

When me and my brother were babies my dad, who is a christian pastor, was playing with the idea of raising me and my brother without religion so that later in life we could find our own way to god, but he brought this up to another pastor and he told him “if you raise them in the path of god they will never stray away” and i just want to say that the thing that doesn’t let me stray away it’s my utter and complete paralyzing fear of going to hell, not because “i love god” o believe anything in the bible, its because at the end of the day i am terrified of going to hell, that’s why i don’t allow myself to fully let my “faith” in god die, even when the more i consider it, nothing of what i was taught makes sense to me, thats why i’ve never let myself think the doubts that have come up in my mind, that’s why even though i don’t go to church i still say that i consider myself a christian, that’s why after writing this im probably going to pray and ask for forgiveness for thinking this, because at the end of the day, if there is something that they gave me by raising me religious, its fear.

[mydiarybasically]

yall don’t understand the absolute freedom that i feel now that i don’t think that god is gonna punish me for every bad thought that i have. I didn’t even realized how much control that had over me, how much it actually scared me, until i broke free from that, and it’s crazy how some people find liberation in god and all i ever found was fear, fear of burning in hell, fear of being punished for not acting correctly, fear of something happening to my loved ones in an attempt to hurt me. I didn’t even realized how scared i was, how brain-washed it all seems. Twenty three years it took me, to broke free from that, and im not saying that im completely off from it but my perspective is finally different and now i can recognize when something is coming from that place of profound fear that growing up religious put in me. I don’t really have a conclusion to this, im just glad i finally feel like i’m allowed... allowed to feel i guess.

[ct-offical-sexyman-deactivated2]

I can’t get over how cool Life’s design is in Adventure Time.

Like look

That’s just really neat.

[mydiarybasically]

lol no i cant