My Dog is Gross

Very sweet dog poop jokes.

[mydogisgross]

Me: I have a cyberstalker. So I’m going into hiding for awhile. Thanks to everyone who read my blog. 

[mydogisgross]

My wife’s nose

I walk in, I sit down, a good ten feet away from my wife. 

Girl (turning to our daughter): Your Dad just had an orange. 

Me: How do you do that? 

Girl points to her nose. 

Me: I could be standing within ten feet of a turd and still not be sure that it was there unless I laid eyes on it. 

Dog: I can attest to that. 

Itty-Bitty: Me too. 

[mydogisgross]

At Grandpa’s house

Itty-Bitty: Look! TV Remotes!

Girl: Don’t play with those. 

Old Grandpa: It’s OK. I have others. 

Me: How many do you have? 

Old Grandpa: I don’t know, ten maybe? They all do slightly different things. She doesn’t have the good remote anyway. 

Me: For they were all of them deceived, for in secret, Dad had forged a master remote. One remote to rule them all, one remote to find them. One remote to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.

Old Grandpa: Do they sell a remote that would help me find the other remotes? Because that would be really useful. 

[mydogisgross]

5 AM

Itty-Bitty (via the monitor): OK! I’m up! Everybody up!

Girl: Good lord! What time is it?

Me: 5 AM.

Girl: Why is she up so early? 

Me: We set the clocks back last night. She isn’t used to it, and she’s waking up at the usual time. 

Girl: So we’ve been clock-blocked? 

Me: I assume the memory of that witty remark will keep me company while Tabby and I watch cartoons and wait for the sun to rise. 

Girl: I need my beauty sleep to keep my humor razor sharp. 

Me (getting up): I would come up with a good reply but I’m too physically exhausted. 

Itty-Bitty: Yo! Big people! Up and at em!

[mydogisgross]

Halloween

Dog: Hey! Why am I trapped back here?

Me: Because we don’t want you barking at the trick-or-treaters. 

Dog: But tonight is my big night! The kids! The fun! The barking at everyone like a loon!

Me: Yeah, we’re skipping that. You’re celebrating Halloween tonight by taking a nap in the bedroom and not scaring some four year old dressed in a vinyl iron man costume. 

Dog: You may not find the Great Pumpkin in your pumpkin patch next year Linus, but I promise you that you will find a dog turd. 

Me: Stop. 

[mydogisgross]

Hallowe’en

Itty-Bitty: THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN DAD!!!!!

Me: Thanks!

Itty-Bitty: Did you know they give out candy! I had no idea! 

Me: I’m glad!

Itty-Bitty: I AM NOT SURE WHY, BUT I FEEL LIKE RUNNING AND CRYING AT THE SAME TIME! OH MY GOD! FREE CANDY!!!!

Me: It’s Okay sweetie!

Itty-Bitty: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Dog: How many houses did you go to?

Me: Four. 

[mydogisgross]

Why is it Always Like This? (part 2)

Itty-Bitty: OK, so I get that for SOME reason you don’t want me to play in the litterbox... 

Me: Yes. 

Itty-Bitty: And from what I gather the can of flea powder is forbidden too?

Me: Uh-Huh.

Itty-Bitty: And in general anything sharp and pointy is considered verboten?

Me: That’s right.

Itty-Bitty: Then what exactly can I play with!?!?!

Me: Any one of the fifteen hundred toys in the house. 

Itty-Bitty: Oh, why must you stifle my creativity, old man!?

Me: What do you say we go build a bridge out of blocks. 

[mydogisgross]

Why is it Always Like This? (part 1)

Itty-Bitty: I love playing in the sandbox.

Me: That’s the litterbox. You can’t play with that. 

Itty-Bitty: How about this? Can I play with this?

Me: That’s poisonous. 

Itty-Bitty: How about this?

Me: You’re about to commit Harikari.

Itty: Jeez are you uptight! Fine, I’ll play in the tub! You can watch me, I’ll even get clean! How about that?!?

Me: You’re sitting in the toilet bowl.  

[mydogisgross]

Cat Grifting

Girl: We got a letter in the mail.

Me: An actual letter? What does it say.

Girl(reads):

Deer Mom,

U don’t no mee, but ur dog is aktually my dog.  I lost hem yeers agoo and I lov hem. Plees leev hem tyed to the stop sign. I weel pick hem up.

Sinseerly,

Not the Cat

P.S. Hav Dad rite more Dog Blogs about the cat. He is the funny one.

Cat: Seems legit.

[mydogisgross]

Getting Ready For Bed

Girl: How was bath time?

Me: In the last 30 minutes Tabitha has had a poo in the tub and let the dog lick my toothbrush. 

Girl: Sometimes the dog blog writes itself!

Me: I know! The hits just keep coming!

Cat: If it helps, I also lick your toothbrush sometimes while you’re asleep. 

[mydogisgross]

Turning Eleven

Handsome and Tall: Happy Birthday Bro! You finally made the big time! Your own cell phone!

Handsome and Small: Thanks! I already had a tablet and a computer, but now I feel I’ve finally arrived. 

The phone rings. 

Handsome and Tall: Hey, it looks like Dad’s calling you. 

Handsome and Small: Yeah, that’s totally going to voicemail. 

[mydogisgross]

Keeping the Kid Out of the Sandbox

Me (Taking the pooper scooper away): Let me take that.

Itty-Bitty: I was trying to help! I was going to scoop the litter box!

Me: Someday, when you’re older you will get to scoop the litter box.

Itty-Bitty: When is that? 

Me: About ten years after the idea has lost it’s appeal. 

Itty-Bitty: I will add this to my growing list of things I will one day prove you wrong on. 

Dog: Dad, if you need someone to help clean out the litter box, I’d be happy to step-

Me: You on the other hand, will never be old enough to scoop out the box.    

[mydogisgross]

The Night Terror

Itty-Bitty: What are we doing tomorrow?

Me: Your Mom has a quilt shop she wants to go to, and I was hoping to go apple picking.

Itty-Bitty: I thought instead I could wake up screaming like a Banshee around midnight, and then after forty-five minutes of caterwauling, I will finally collapse in a blubbering mess and we’ll watch cartoons until you are actually physically too tired to carry me to my bed. 

A pause. 

Itty-Bitty: How do you like them apples?

Me: I do not like them apples. 

[mydogisgross]

The 4 most frustrating words in the English Language

Girl: The Baby is Crying. 

[mydogisgross]

The Weekend

Me: We’re back!

Cat: Where have you been?

Me: We went away for the weekend. We had two shows. At the first show I got to fly in a real biplane, and in the second show Tabitha won the costume contest. It was probably one of the greatest weekends of my life. What did you do?

Cat: Slept.

Me: That isn’t a very productive way to live your life.

Cat: You’re jealous, aren’t you?

Me: I DON’T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I WASN’T TIRED.

Cat: You could celebrate your productive weekend by cleaning out my box.

[mydogisgross]

Out with My Sons

Handsome and Tall: What do you want to do today? Me: There’s a movie I’d like to see. Do you mind if we go to see a sixty year old movie? Handsome and Tall: I guess not. What’s it called? Me: Rebel Without A Cause Handsome and Tall: What’s it about? Me: Teenagers. Handsome and Tall: Is that the one where the kids are locked in the library? Me: That’s the Breakfast Club. Handsome and Tall: Oh, sorry. Me: That’s all right, we’ll get to that one too.

[mydogisgross]

My Wife and Kids Part 5

Handsome and Small: Felix, Dad is taking Finn and I back to Massachusetts. We just wanted to say- Me: Thanks for having us. Handsome and Small: Thanks for having us. Girl: It’s been very nice having you. Handsome and Small: Thanks. By the way, can I have some of that juice you’re drinking? Girl: I’m sorry, but you can’t. Handsome and Small: Why not? Girl: It’s a mimosa.