becoming clearer

Was mygenderisblurry but lost access to that account. Birdie, 29 yrs old, previously transitioned FTM. Not a man, shakily reidentifying with womanhood. Medically detransitioned, somewhat socially detransitioned. She/her or they/them preferred. I support trans people having the right to transition, I just discovered transition wasn't right for me.

[mygenderisstillblurry]

Two-Year Update

THIS IS NOT A KINK. DO NOT REBLOG MY POSTS ONTO KINK BLOGS. I've had this blog for roughly two years now, so I figured it was time for an update.

-I've been off testosterone for near to three years now. Testosterone-induced health problems are more managed: I no longer have frequent UTIs with urinary incontinence, and while I don't have extreme vaginal dryness with an inability to have penetrative sex of any kind, I do still experience vaginal dryness, and while I'm capable of penetration, it usually results in tearing. That is the worst health complication I've retained from testosterone. I previously had top surgery while transitioning, and nothing has changed there. My body fat reverted to previous positioning, my skin softened, etc.

-I am now perceived as a woman by the public the majority of the time. I do get perceived as a man sometimes.

-I've come to terms with not being a man. I am confident and comfortable in not being a man. I consider my past identity to be pretending to be a man, because that's how it feels (and felt then!) I do not ascribe that term to others.

-I still have conflicting feelings about social gender identity. Being a woman feels like a performance/playing pretend as well. I'm grappling with what "being a woman" is, and separating my feelings from societal expectations.

-As far as social detransition, I'm working on it. At this point, only my family "knows" me as a binary trans man. I "came out" as detransitioning at work and am now identified as a woman. Some coworkers are struggling with the transition; clients seem to have little trouble with it. I'm in many social circles/hobby groups that are aggressively trans-positive, which is not a bad thing, it's just awkward for my situation. I'm having a hard time fully expressing identity as a woman in these circles, and for now I'm using terms like genderqueer and femme and introducing she/her pronouns alongside he/they.

-I am more self-aware than I used to be and I am working in therapy on increasingly building a sense of self-identity. This includes me examining beliefs and figuring out which are authentic to me and which were adopted because I was taking what others said at face value without question. Update beliefs post pending.

-I have a new online identity! I go by Birdie now.

Thank you for reading! THIS IS NOT A KINK. DO NOT REBLOG MY POSTS ONTO KINK BLOGS.

[mygenderisstillblurry]

Google TOCD or GOCD. It may help you with your struggles. There are a lot of reasons why someone could identify as transgender like trauma, neurodiversity, body dysmorphia etc.

Also OCD and that's something I didn't knew. Realizing that helped me and maby it can help you too. You may don't have OCD but realizing the feelings and the dysphoria came from unresolved trauma and body dysmorphia helped me personally a lot ^^

I've kept this ask in my inbox for two years. Anon, you were right.

[mygenderisstillblurry]

I'm very adjusted to being called "miss" at work these days, but I'm STILL not used to being called "she". Don't get me wrong, I like it; it just still surprises me.

It's funny, I have a coworker who will occasionally call me "he" and then immediately correct, even though she's never known me as anything other than a woman. Like, genuinely funny. It amuses me. I still have a level of genderqueerness in that I don't mind being called he or they and don't really see it as "wrong". A lot of my friends who knew me as trans still use those pronouns, and it's fine. I don't have any negative feelings about it. But to the general public, I'm a woman, and that still somehow catches me off guard.

[mygenderisstillblurry]

I've started to think more about wanting to become a parent. It's something that's always been a maybe for me, but it's pretty solidly a yes now. And I feel very sad about that. Aside from not having a partner to have kids with, I'm sad about my body. I'll never be able to breastfeed a child and experience that natural bonding, if I can even have a child at all. Testosterone might've killed my fertility. Feeling sad about being nearly 30 and just now figuring out I want kids, only to be uncertain if it's even possible because of what I've done to my body.

[mygenderisstillblurry]

I did it. I told my parents and my grandparents that I'm detransitioning. I was going to do it at Easter dinner, but I was worried about causing drama. So I wrote a letter, attached it to an email, and sent it out. As of today, everyone has responded.

They were all supportive. My grandpa admitted to being confused, but that's fair. Otherwise, it was a general message of "we love you no matter who you are, and we're happy you're finding yourself" from everyone. Yet another time I was scared for nothing. I really need to start believing other detransitioners when they say people are more chill about it than you'd expect.

This is really monumental for my detransition, though. I still have to figure out how to handle the extended family, and I'm sure I'll encounter more confusion there, but my immediate family has my back. Now, there's no particular group that I have to hide it from. I just...haven't told most of my healthcare providers. They know the medical side of things, but I'm still listed as a trans man and addressed as he/him at pretty much every medical office I go to. Once that and the extended family are squared away, I'm...as done as I can be, I think.

[mygenderisstillblurry]

I started pelvic floor physical therapy for the issues that were caused or exacerbated by testosterone (urinary leakage, pain with penetration including medical exams, pelvic tissue that bleeds easily), and when I told my PT that I had been on testosterone, she basically said "Yup, that explains this. Did you have issues before or is it all from the testosterone?" I was in shock. Like, I've learned that urinary incontinence and persistent pain in the vaginal muscles/tissues can be caused by testosterone, but she was not surprised in the slightest. She knew that this was a thing that happens. She told me it's common, that she's had several AFAB patients in the past who developed the same problems due to testosterone. Geez. If this is such a thing, why is it not being told to people starting T? Maybe I just got unlucky, but NONE of this was in the information I was given my my endocrinologist before I started testosterone, and she specifically worked with trans patients at an LGBT+ clinic. I really wish I had been informed. I don't know if it would have changed my mind, but I was already unsure, so it very well might have. Then I wouldn't be dealing with these issues at all.

[mentalillnesshaver]

Why Detrans voices matter:

When I clicked on the ‘detrans’ tag, I hoped to find stories about detrans people like me. Instead, there was graphic material that wasn’t even about detransition.

I guess this might be the same for many other subreddits, but for detrans people this really matters.

There are people who do try to silence detrans people. Some from well-meaning people who think that detrans people are a threat to trans people.

Detrans people need a voice free from politicization.

Detrans people are not ‘evil right wingers’.

Detrans people have varying political opinions.

Detrans people matter.

Detrans people should be able to get support and love.

[mygenderisstillblurry]

I don't think I ever officially posted about my second job. I got a second job, and due to changes in hours at the first, it's kind of become my main job. I went into it as a woman. No one questioned it. Even though I applied with my chosen/current masculine name, even though I wore masculine clothes to the interview, no one questioned it. I fully read as a woman. Now after about 2 months in, I'm still not entirely used to being constantly called she/her, but I'm getting used to it. I think. Regardless, I don't feel like it's a bad thing. I just keep getting caught off guard, even though it's what I want.

I do have one coworker who kept they/them-ing me, so I knew she knew something was up. I pulled her aside one day and told her I noticed the difference in language, and I wanted to let her know that I used to identify as transgender, now I don't, so she/her is correct and she didn't have to worry she was getting it wrong. She apologized and said it's a force of habit because my voice sounds identical to a friend of hers who does go by they/them, and she'd work on it. I said I wasn't offended by the different pronouns, I just wanted to make her aware. Aside from that, I don't think anyone else as even questioned anything. I wish everywhere could be like this for me.

[mygenderisstillblurry]

I've been honestly taking great joy in wearing men's shirts and men's pants and having a hairstyle that doesn't lean in either direction for stereotypical gender presentation, and identifying myself as a woman. Making it known that I am a woman. I do still enjoy feminine clothing in a "playing dress-up" kind of way, but masculine clothing is my everyday wear and I'm working hard to shake off the feeling that I need to change that if I'm reclaiming womanhood. I am a masculine woman, to a degree; I wear androgynous/masculine-leaning clothes, I have a deep voice, I have patches of facial hair I don't often shave because it's a natural part of me now and other people can deal with it. It's pretty refreshing, honestly. It's been weird watching the changes in how I see myself in the mirror. The detransition process of seeing a man -> seeing a woman and being distressed about it -> seeing a feminine woman and going "oh shit...that's me" -> seeing a feminine woman and being moderately okay with that -> seeing a masculine "something" and being distressed about it -> seeing a masculine woman and being happy about it. It's a hell of a journey with so many twists and turns and steps and missteps. I feel lost a lot of the time, but moving through the world as a masculine woman gives me a sense of personal security.

[mygenderisstillblurry]

New Year's Resolutions

-tell my family I'm detransitioning/ed -get my name legally changed, whether to my current chosen name or a less typically male one that I choose later -stop dating men!!!! stop telling myself "oh this is the one good man" when he is incrementally better than the last one but still not good. -prioritize friendships with women and rebuilding female camaraderie in my life -date a woman??

[mygenderisstillblurry]

There are now people in my life who have only known me as a woman.

[mygenderisstillblurry]

This may just be my memory decline, but I can't remember how I ever thought I was a man in the first place.

[openingthejar-deactivated202511]

i don't remember either. i made a post about it not too long ago. though i guess for me it's i can't remember why rather than how.

[mygenderisstillblurry]

I get that. Honestly, I only remember the why because I have written record of it from a past journal. I just don't remember how I managed to live in denial when I can see even in that journal that I was having heavy doubts. I don't know what changed, and I don't know how I stuck with it for so long.

[mygenderisstillblurry]

This may just be my memory decline, but I can't remember how I ever thought I was a man in the first place.

[mygenderisstillblurry]

Weirdly enough, playing the Sims helped me figure out things. I play as myself pretty frequently, and I could never ever get my face right with the "masculine frame" and face options, no matter how much I tweaked them. I used a picture of myself as a reference, made everything as exact as possible, and it jut didn't look like me. Then I switched "masculine frame" to "feminine frame" and all the adjustments I made looked right, now that they were on a female face. It really upset me at first, because the reality that I didn't truly "look male" even though I passed and lived as stealth was hitting me for the first time. Or at least, I was willing to acknowledge it for the first time. At some point, though, I decided that playing as a "feminine frame" sim was okay because that's mostly what my body looks like (minus breasts). Then I decided to experiment with letting my sim have she/her pronouns. That was also very uncomfortable at first, but I got used to that, too. Now I just have myself set as female. It's like I was testing out detransition in a fictional environment to see how it might affect me in real life.

[juniper-petunia]

they should make a version of socializing that doesn’t make you feel like you’re still the weird 12 year old kid that doesn’t know why she’s not normal like the other kids

[mygenderisstillblurry]

I did it. I did a huge, scary thing. I called my boss (who knew me roughly as transmasc nonbinary) and told her I'm trying to return to my original gender. I said I'm still going by my new name, but I'd like to be called she and Miss when relevant. She assured me that staff shouldn't have an issue, and clients probably don't pay enough attention to notice (I found this amusing), and she'll back me up if anyone has a problem with it. I feel so relieved. I was just going to tough it out indefinitely, but something gave me the courage to talk to her, and I'm so glad I did. Here's to working as a female; I'm truly happy about it.

[mygenderisstillblurry]

We had a staff meeting yesterday (about 15 people including my boss) and I formally "came out" as a woman. I said something to the effect of "I was transitioning FTM, but after significant time and work, I'm feeling more comfortable in my own body and have decided to return to my original gender. Please call me she, and Miss where relevant. If you have questions about how to handle the change at work, please speak to me or [boss], but I am not taking personal questions right now."

Everyone was...surprisingly chill about it. Everyone just kind of said "okay!" and some people said "that's good" (I assume in reference to me being comfortable with myself). Then someone said "as long as you do your job, it doesn't matter to us", and that sparked several compliments about how well I do my job. I honestly don't think it could've gone better.

[mygenderisstillblurry]

I did it. I did a huge, scary thing. I called my boss (who knew me roughly as transmasc nonbinary) and told her I'm trying to return to my original gender. I said I'm still going by my new name, but I'd like to be called she and Miss when relevant. She assured me that staff shouldn't have an issue, and clients probably don't pay enough attention to notice (I found this amusing), and she'll back me up if anyone has a problem with it. I feel so relieved. I was just going to tough it out indefinitely, but something gave me the courage to talk to her, and I'm so glad I did. Here's to working as a female; I'm truly happy about it.