One Nice Bug Per Day
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Jules of Nature
ellievsbear
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
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occasionally subtle
Sweet Seals For You, Always
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
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Kaledo Art
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Monterey Bay Aquarium
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Sade Olutola
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@myheartis2big
Alone
I don't know if i can handle things alone. He's disappeared and i just dont know how to do this. And i dont even have a piece of him. I've never been good on my own. And i have nobody i can even talk to about any of it. I just dont know if I'm strong enough for this
Dilemma
I'm honestly unsure of what's next. He swears up and down he had a vasectomy that can reverse itself but I've not read anything that says that's true. So it's possible and probable I'll never have children because I love him too much to have someone else's child. It just hurts so fucking much i have nothing to drive me forward, no incentive for anything anymore. What do i do? And I'm trying so hard to keep on and be happy and have no one to talk to about it
Hated Day
I hate mother's day. I hate every year I'm empty and childless. I hate when I can't hold my little creation in my arms. I hate not being able to even go to the doctor to fix whatever is wrong with me. I hate mother's day.
Lost my job
I have been so hungry, moody and nauseous. I have been craving spicy and pineapple. I can feel muscles in my lower abdomen twitching with some slight cramps. I started to hope but then i lose my job today and it just seems like i should never have hope
Sometimes i feel like I'm not good enough. Physically, the way i look, is it enough to keep his attention? Im not sure. I think he's getting used to me and i dont excite him anymore. I was sun bathing topless and not a single word. Maybe im just hideous.
Late night
I feel so alone. I want my granny. I want someone who will listen to me and hold me and not talk to me like I'm a loon. I don't wanna feel broken. I wish i could quit crying
I want
I want a fertile womb. I want to feel stirrings in my belly and know there's another heartbeat inside of me. I want to feel my breasts swell to feed my child. I want my husband to rub my belly and whisper to the being created of the both of us. I want him to read to us and watch his eyes light up when he feels our baby move in response. I want a fertile womb.
23
Well, in less than 24 hours, i will be 23 years old. As i hit this number i never dreamed i would see, i try to think of everything i have to show for my years. I didn't complete even a semester of college. Ive worked several factory jobs, which only gave me pain issues and a serious fucked up sense of humor. I have seen my sister, 3 years my junior, have a child and have one on the way, and not wanting them. I have seen people older than me repulsed at the idea of children. I have yet to conceive even though I'm on no birth control and we fuck like rabbits. I have completely cut off all but my older brother in terms of blood relations. I have but one friend who talks to me on a semi regular basis. And i live in a town where nobody knows my name. But. I have also overcome immense amounts and years of crippling depression. I have completely stopped my addiction of self harm and alcoholism. I have found my equal in life, someone who holds me down and builds me up. I have my home. I live in a bare minimum stress environment, except that of my anxieties making. I have made so much progress because i never thought i would make it this far. I never thought the world would see me at this age. It is frightening and exhilarating at the same time because i have no clue what comes next. I can't wait.
Jealousy At Its Finest
My friend whose like a sister to me had her 4th baby today. Of course I congratulated her, told her i was happy for her. Ive been very grumpy all day. It's not like I'm not happy for her, i just hate that it isn't me. I started spotting a couple days ago, the same day she told me she started having contractions. I figured it was my period. Well for 2 days i had extremely light flow, basically spotting. Today she had her baby and it stopped completely. Now i know I'm an empath and all, but it kinda feels like the universe just said FU in a massive way, letting me know it was her not me having the baby. And i have no one to discuss this with because everyone thinks i obsess too much. Maybe i do, maybe I'll never be that lucky and i should just accept it. I hate feeling this way, i truly do. I feel like I'm not good enough.
It strikes again
You know what really sucks about being with someone older? They already have so much life experience. My man has children with other women, he's still technically married to one of them even tho they don't communicate. I have none if that. Yeah I'm trying to have a baby with him but it doesn't seem like that's happening anytime soon so I cant plan for that. I can't plan to marry him because he won't divorce her because of the kids. I'm in this constant state of in between with everything. I don't have a job, can't even take care of my animals correctly because I have too many. What am I doing but just exsisting? I want some kind of goal, something to plan and do stuff for, something to keep my mind busy so i don't think about all my flaws and the fact I can't seem to conceive. But I have none.
Strange
I think its so strange that you can go your whole life thinking you are worthless and don't deserve anything good, and then one day your whole world flips around because you meet someone who thinks the stars revolve around you. And you have no idea why, or how, this person came into your existence but now you see color where only black and grey once stood. You think of the future instead of dreading its passing. You plan instead of survive. So very strange.
Negative Again
I cant begin to think how i would feel if i got a positive. Im so used to the disappointment of the negative. Why cant i just be blessed with my own little miracle?!
Wishes
The simplest things in life,
Are the most blessed,
The more complicated,
Are worthy but messed,
Sometimes what we want,
Is seemingly impossible and sad,
And though we hide our tears,
All we wish is for you to know a tad,
Sometimes smiles hide the tears,
Of a wish untold throughout the years,
But ahead we travel,
Strong and hopeful still,
In sight of searching,
To make our wish real.
Solstice
The morning star rises,
The watchers have gone away,
I rose to watch and greet the sun,
Upon this the shortest day,
The beauty of this moment,
Lost in only those who are blind,
This are the sweetest strings,
Of those who no longer bind.
Independent Thought
I had to cut myself off from my family today. They are extremely toxic and are trying to get between me and my man. I wish I could say it's hard, that it hurts and I'm sure it won't last but honestly I can't. 22 years of abuse and being their punching bag is over. I've moved on and it's the best thing I've done for myself since I left my old town. I have a home here and they won't ruin this for me.
Well my bf called me out. He knows why I want a bunch of animals. He said he knows I'm compensating for not having a baby. And I admit it's true. I just wish it didn't affect me so much.
Good Deed
I rescued another dog today. She had been sitting in the rain outside a store for a few days and nobody wanted to claim her so I decided to take her. She's such a sweet girl and she's smiling happy now. I'm glad I got to help her. I get 4 puppies tomorrow but technically only supposed to keep one. We'll see 😂 I guess if I cant have an actually baby anytime soon, I can have fur babies.