jo

im like if a junk drawer was beautiful girl

[myjunkdraw3r]

Santa, I wish I had Boy Problems

There is just something in the air during the holiday season that makes me desperate for a man. 

Usually, I dread Christmas family reunions because of the aunts who give unsolicited comments about my weight, but now I dread it even more because I can guarantee you that the night wouldn’t end without at least one aunt or grandma asking if I have a boyfriend yet. It was fine at first, really, because a bunch of my cousins were cruising solo as well—but that was years ago. I’m now twenty-one years old, and I’m the only grandchild who hasn’t brought home a plus one during the holidays.

And it’s not just during family dinners that my lack of a love life feels painfully obvious. It follows me into my daily routine: when I head into campus usually at the same time as this girl from my class who gets driven by her boyfriend, and when I go home from class and ask my friend if they’d wanna hangout but they can't because they have dates.

At least once a day, I see a passive-aggressive repost on TikTok from friends referencing the boy who wronged them. Then they tell me about their annoying talking stages, the failed dates they’ve been to, and the bases they’ve almost stupidly crossed. Now you might think this would push me to be less desperate for a man, oh but no, I am having severe FOMO.

You see, growing up, I was never really the type that boys at school showed interest in—I’ve never been asked out during recess, I wasn’t passed anonymous notes during classes, and no boy has ever asked to sit beside me during first Friday masses so we could hold hands during Our Father (I was from a Catholic school). 

Over the last few years, I’ve been trying to convince myself that I was okay being the chronically single friend. I lie and tell people that I’m just not really looking for a relationship, when in truth, I am on my hands and knees every night, praying that I finally (organically) meet the one. While my friends post about their relationship issues, I’m out here posting about yearning for one in the first place.

All year round I’ve been praying to God that I finally find the one, and this Christmas, Santa, I’m asking you, please, give me at least boy problems.

[myjunkdraw3r]

Before Another Man Does It First

I used to be the poster child for gifted kids—or at least every adult in my life made me feel like I was.

Growing up, I was convinced that I was destined for great things. My high school teacher once told me that I was the best writer in class, and my guidance counselor during those mandatory one-on-one counseling said that I was bound for success. So I don’t know how it happened but some time in the last twenty-one years, I feel like I’ve become more and more mediocre.

I’ve been wanting to start this blog for longer than I’d like to admit. I’ve written and rewritten countless drafts only to press delete. I’m just convinced that nothing I had to say was worth sharing, nothing felt extraordinary enough to post. 

I was scrolling online the other day, as one does, looking for inspiration on how to start a good blog and I fell into a rabbit hole of self-development videos, all preaching the same simple advice: to just start. And sure, that sounds easy enough. But it’s not. Not when you’re anything like me—pessimistic, overcritical, and constantly convinced that everything I make could be better. I started this draft back in summer, and now there’s only fifty-three days left before Christmas. 

I’ve been sitting on this draft for months, tweaking a sentence here and deleting another there. But I finally decided enough is enough after seeing this guy I know from college launch his own blog type thing. I can’t believe a man beat me to it! So here I am, finally pressing “publish” and learning to be okay with just being—before another man beats me to it again.