I am taking the time to write today because I am finishing up my week of training with the Wisconsin DOC learning POSC - Principles of Subject Control where I have been learning self-defense, restraints, handcuffing, communication skills, all that good stuff. I was not required to do this training for the job position I was in, but I really pushed my boss for almost a year to let me do this. Yes, I argued it was for my safety at work which is true and valid. Yes, it will open up a few more doors to assist the agents in my office. But I truly realized this week was a huge part of the healing process from my broken engagement almost 3 years ago.
I realize a large majority of my family and friends have zero idea what really happened and why I am not married. Â I have known people to say âWhy is it such a big deal still?â or told me how much they liked JW and itâs like a slap in the face. Â But I realize what people donât know, they cannot understand. So as I am wrapping up my self defense training and am at a great place in my life with my daughter, family, and career - I would like to share my story.
I am a survivor of domestic violence.
I grew up in a home that believed marriage is a commitment for life. When JW proposed and I said yes, it was a done deal for me. I truly loved him and I was all in. But.....I was all in after nights and nights of fighting where I would apologize right away but get nothing in return. I was all in when I would get screamed at in public for not perfectly following Korean culture. I was all in when after months of emotional abuse, I was depressed and knew i needed help but wasnât in the position to get it. I was all in even when I did not want to live or wake up from my sleep. I was all in, even when the man I loved became a completely different person than I knew, because I thought that person could come back someday.
But a breaking point can be as simple as a pot of chicken stock.
In December of 2012, I was so depressed because of my relationship with JW that I would go to work, come home, sit in a dark room and mindlessly stare at my computer. So therefore, cleaning was not something I was very motivated to do. And one morning before work, I was about to leave for work to catch the bus, and JW yelled at me and asked why I didnât clean up a pot of chicken stock yet. I told him I would do it when I got home from work and proceeded to leave. As I reached for the door, JW aggressively and strongly grabbed my arm.Â
This is basically what people know. JW grabbed me. I broke off the engagement. Many people said âThatâs a normal Korean man.â Many people said that was bad but we should work things out.Â
What people donât know is that I had a boyfriend in college who was drunk, got mad at my friend and me; he chased us down a hall, I was slower, he grabbed my arm, and I really thought he was going to hurt me. Thankfully he did not, but that is the triggering traumatic event that just someone grabbing my arm can put me in hysterics.
So JW grabbed my arm. But that was not the end. Of course, I was instantly sobbing and terrorized from just that maneuver, and I tried to jerk my arm away and screamed âLET GO!â but he didnât let go. I struggled more so he put both of his arms around me to restrain me and pull me back so I couldnât leave. I kept screaming for him to let me go, that I needed to go to work. But he held on tighter and kept yelling why I wouldnât clean up my mess. I pleaded and pleaded that I would do it later but I couldnât miss my bus. I tried grabbing for the door handle several times but JW kept a strong hold on me and eventually blocked the door while still having me in his grip. I kicked at him and kept screaming for several minutes and by some miracle, I got the doorknob and inched out the door. JW proceeded to chase me out the door, into the hallway and got a strong bear hug grip on me again. Several more minutes passed where I again, was sobbing and screaming for him to please let me go and he kept yelling why I never listen to him and i needed to stop. I was screaming and crying and struggling and I kept wondering how I was in the hallway of an apartment building and no one was coming to help me. I knew no one was going to help me. I knew I was in a foreign country and there was no way I could call the police on my own. All I could think was I was going to get the shit beat out of me and no one was coming to help me.Â
But by some grace of God, JW got sick of my struggling and he released his grip and I ran down the stairs and out the door and prayed JW wasnât following. He wasnât and when I got a distance away on the sidewalk, I finally took a breath. And I thought. I thought about taking a step in front of a large truck and how much easier that would be than telling all of my family and friends that I wasnât getting married. I thought stepping into traffic would be easier that facing humiliation at the globally famous Samsung Electronics, my boss, and my students who I worked so hard to gain the respect of for the last two years. I thought stepping into traffic would be better than being homeless with no direction in life. I thought stepping into traffic would be easier than facing the fact the man I once loved was never coming back and I now had to live in fear that he would come to hurt me.
But I didnât step into traffic. I called a friend. Then I called a co-worker and asked if I could move back to her apartment asap. I got into a taxi and I went to work that day. I made a plan to live and be better. I faced my humiliation and embarrassment and announced (vaguely) my cancelled engagement. I got my own apartment and kept it clean and passed a Korean proficiency test because those were the things JW always yelled at me about. Â I cut JW out of my life. I stopped my depression.
I did not get married because although I was taught marriage is a lifetime commitment, I was also taught that a man should never lay his hands on a woman (and vice versa). I was also taught, and am more aware every day working in corrections, that when someone restrains you against your will in a violent manner and prevents you from leaving a place, that is False Imprisonment. And False Imprisonment is a felony. It took me a long time to even admit to myself that the situation was that kind of situation. I told people I didnât get married because we had differences, that I didnât want to get married to someone who always yelled at me and made me feel bad. The honest to goodness truth is that I did not get married because I will not tolerate domestic violence and being a victim of False Imprisonment. Because I value who I am as a person and I do not have to have a man in my life.Â
So frequently at work, I read police reports and criminal complaints of offenders getting put on probation for domestic violence and abuse. And too frequently I see victims requesting contact, victims saying they love the person and want to stay, victims getting hurt over and over again. And every day, I am thankful that it is not me. That I had the strength to lose everything I had from my relationship - a home, respect, pride, friends, a partner - and know I deserve better. And as I am wrapping up my POSC training with the DOC, I feel much more confident that I can protect myself and if there ever is a next time, I will not just be restrained. I will be fighter.
There is a happy ending to this story though.
It took me over 6 months to face JW in a safe situation but I did before I left Korea. I got the apology I needed and gave the apology I needed to give. I have forgiven and we can have a friendly Kakao Talk conversation. JW fulfilled his dream of opening up a cafe in Gumi and he truly looks happy. He is in Korea where he needs to be with his friends and family. And you know me. I am a busy mom to a beautiful daughter. I am home where I need to be right now. And most importantly, I am a survivor.Â
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