Restraints against these feelings, and reserved thoughts with my own judgment. Months have long passed, but Iâm still not over how it ended. The first month was about building myself up again; the second month to accept the new reality. But turmoiled emotions canât conjure away this heavy heart that Iâm burdened with. I still think about it a lotâmore than one can imagine. Every sight, memorabilia, or awry remnant of the past is a constant reminder of how this failed; but ultimately, how I failed.
I want to move forward and on with the present; the veracity of my mentality however, still remains in the past. What frustrating qualities we, as people, possess. We constantly bicker at trivial pursuits of the past; lavish the idea of revenge and justice for how we were wronged. However, we should really learn to let go, and fathom the thought of getting even. We always feel like letting go is highly impossible, thus we believe that resorting to outrageous actions of anger and animosity on another, as being the true rectifier to a happier heart. But wouldnât that still leave you with feelings of resentment that ultimately results in an unresolved heart deep down to your core?
"Vagueness" and "Ambiguity" are truly an understatement to the testaments of my thoughts and words. I canât fully express these convictions that bestow upon my soul in its entirety. All I will say is that if you read this, you will understand that letting go wasnât easy, but it was done. I may still be here, but the unresolved heart is just echoing to be heard and freed.
It's just another late afternoon for me here in Ottawa. I'm currently sitting window side of this quaint coffee shop on the corner of Laurier and Cumberland, lavishing away on this case study for my Law class, whilst sipping on some coffee. You could say that it's just another day for the average university student; however, there is something about this day that is particularly different. No, it's not the fact that my mind is consumed with mind-numbing thoughts of the devilish midterms and papers that will soon bestow my schedule, nor is it the daunting work schedule that I must pursue to keep my wealth secure; it's the fact that I think I realized what I need to pursue to get to where I want to be.Â
Whenever you sit at a coffee shop, indulging in your warm cup of Joe and trying to gather your own thoughts, you sometimes can't help yourself eavesdropping in on the many echoes that whisper so loudly in this confined space that is the coffee shop. Conversations flow continuously to the point where it's dissonant to your thoughts, and the noise around you is difficult to filter out; but sometimes, there is that one specific conversation that attracts your undivided attention from the individuals sitting at the table right beside you--that happened to me during my sit-in at this coffee shop today. My mind couldn't help but slyly listen in on this couple's conversation, taking place beside my very cramp table next to them. I'm well aware that this is a big no-no in coffee shop etiquette; but I couldn't help myself from living vicariously through their conversation, and reflect on my situation personally as well.Â
The conversation continued, and the couple got into a serious reflection of how they got to where they are today. One individual shared their insight, and it went on the basis of these lines: "It definitely wasn't an easy journey, and half of that journey was all about soul-searching. All of those times spent on some of those meaningless assignments, and countless group projects, were bullshit to what I have to do now at my current position. I love what I'm doing now, and it really wasn't all thanks to post-secondary if I really think about it now. I had to fight hard and chase after this dream job, and I realized that the job didn't care about where I was taught; they cared more about what I had to bring to the table as a person. They saw the passion and the drive that I had when I interviewed with them, and they say how I worked my ass off to prove myself. And that's what I think post-secondary didn't do for me: it didn't teach me how to dream bigger, and fight for the dream job; but rather, it was me who had to make that all happen for myself--I personally drive myself to that point instead. And sometimes post-secondary limits your possibilities of which industries you can get into. They say you graduated with just this certain label, but realistically, you are just as suitable as the next person to do the same job, without the same credentials. I wish people saw that post-secondary is just one part of the equation; the second-half is what you do with everything you've experienced in this life at this point in time, and what do you with it to get to where you want to be. You could be average and go straight into the industry you were believed to be suited for by your post-secondary credentials, or take a risk anyways and go for something far different, and the end result will get you one step closer to that dream life you are chasing, and how you wanted to chase it in the first place."
Interesting right? Initially, I thought "what a controversial thought, that would spark such an interesting debate between many undergraduates." And though I don't fully agree with this rather in depth perspective from the mind of this post-graduate, I did ponder on the view of dreaming bigger and working towards that future job. Every journey an undergraduate goes through in their academic career, is dramatically different from the next person sitting beside you, in the said lecture class you are required to take. Some people do dream big and need post-secondary as stepping stone, in order to reach that personal tenacity and level of courage to attain that dream job. But I think the number one thing most of us are afraid of upon graduating, is the fear of rejection. Fearing that we aren't good enough in the said field, and that we fear our skill sets are too incompetent for the industry we desperately lust over. But did we try to take a chance? Did we try to expand our horizons and stray away from our hypothetical plan since we were 5, and take a chance in following a different path?Â
After listening to this conversation, I've been thinking to myself in this coffee shop, whether or not I'm doing enough to reach my goals as a future broadcaster. Am I making too many excuses to myself because I'm scared of not being good enough, or am I just expecting too much to be handed to me, after I graduate from this program? I know I've dreamed long and hard of getting over myself over here in to the east coast, but now I need to work a bit harder in running after this dream of being a broadcaster, and take more chances toward my dream, as opposed to the conservative ones I've been raised with all my life. I think we are all sometimes too afraid to take chances, because there is too much at stake, and we want to stay safe in the our own skin and comfort zone. But I can't help but wonder, what if something great comes from straying away from the grand master plan you've been following your whole life? Those are my coffee shop thoughts, on this late afternoon. Time to close the MacBook, and head to my night class. Oh, the blissful life of an undergraduate; how conflicting you must be.
"Dressing well is a kind of good manners, if you ask me. When youâre standing in a room, your effect is the same as a chairâs effect, or a sculptureâs. Youâre part of someoneâs view, youâre part of that world, and so you should dress well. I find itâs a show of respect to try to put on your best face and look as good as you can."
As we become older, we begin to lose faith in people, in our religion, in love, in finding happiness, and even in ourselves. There is a moment where everything seems to be accelerated; it feels like we donât have very much time left to accomplish everything that we want to do with our lives. We feel rushed to find a career that will make us happy and a soulmate to do things with them that people that are in love are suppose to do.
And many of us will end up just settling with a job because we tell ourselves that we need to get our lives started instead of wasting our time trying to find something we enjoy when we donât know where to begin. We lower our expectations of what love should be because we lost faith that such love could exist and we donât want to end up alone. We lose faith in our dream and ourselves, hopelessly feeling like we know longer can accomplish or change the world like we once believed we could.
In saying all that, I really hope that there are people out there who donât lose faith. Who are still dreamers and believes it what only seems like the impossible. I hope that people find true happiness and love. In my opinion, we need more of those types of people in this world.Â
And just like that, you were gone. I donât even think that the greatest magician could of performed a disappearing act as flawlessly as you did. How does a voice that was heard everyday suddenly fall silent? How does a face that was seen expressing every range of emotion become motionless on thousands of scattered photographs?Â
Sometimes I wonder if you were real; if any of this was real? As my memory slowly begins to forget, the harder it is to believe that this part of my life even existed. Iâm scared that one day I will really think that this was just another story and everything will mean nothing. I donât want this to just be just another figment of my imagination.Â
âPeople are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.â
â Mother Teresa
It's time. My final 24 hours in Edmonton has arrived, and it's really starting to hit me hard that I am actually leaving my hometown--my home for the past 20 years. The finals weeks leading up to my departure has been adventurous, emotional, and bittersweet. On the one hand, I am ecstatic to finally be in the program that I've been desperately working hard for, but sad that I have to compromise my life and leave everyone I know and love behind. I know it's only for a few years, but it will feel like an eternity once I'm on my own. I've been blessed with meeting new people here and creating timeless memories with each and every one of them. It is exciting and thrilling to have such support from everyone around me, and I feel the love every where I go. It's overwhelming--but in a positive way. I'm excited to see what will be in store for me, and how I will handle this new experience. I know my support system of home will have my back, and I know the man upstairs will be with me to guide the way.Â
To my friends and family, thank you all so much for being so good to me, and making my send off, one I will never forget. To the ones who put in an effort and put their life on hold just for a moment to say goodbye, I will never forget that and I will forever cherish and appreciate that moment for the rest of my life. You guys have no idea how much it meant to me when you guys were able to take time out of your work/school/personal schedule to come say goodbye to little ol' me. It really means so much to me that you guys value our friendship with each other--whether we've been close or a little distant as of recent.Â
For now, it's time for a new beginning, and I couldn't be happier that this is how I will start the 21st year of my life. Edmonton, you have been very good to me. Ottawa, I hope you are ready for me. Adios. Goodbye. Until we meet again.Â
The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in. We often think we donât deserve love, we think if we let it in weâll become too soft. But a wise man named Levine said it right. He said, âLove is the only rational act.â
At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lionâs mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
That awkward moment when you realize you have more posts stored in your Drafts section, than the ones you posted on this blog as of recent. Hahah my sincere apologies for my incompetence. Another post will commence soon perhaps? You'll just have to wait and see. :)
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