aadambautistaa

My Other Blog: ab-reblogs.tumblr.com Twitter: aadambautistaa 10/29/2010 - 09/27/2013

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A Ghost of Our Former Self.

There’s a point in our lives where we realized ‘things changes’. Somewhere during the timeline of our lives, we have met people that forever changed who we are, faced hardships and tragedies that changed our perspectives of life, and gained experiences of failures, sadness, and heartbreaks that makes us lose faith in the concept of happily ever afters. 

And when we think about who we were before, we are faced with this stranger…this ghost of our former selves. Sometimes it’s hard to imagine that we were once just kids whose biggest problems was beating gym leaders on Pokemon while playing the Gameboy. We use to be those kids who would get our clothes dirty while running on a field during recess. We use to have all this time in the world to dream up fantasies of extraordinary things while not quite having to face the harsh realities of the world just yet. And we use to just be kids who had every possibility still ahead of them.

I don’t think anyone really expected that they would end up where they are, whether or not it’s a good or bad thing. But I’m sure many of us would love to be reacquainted with our ghosts, just to remember what it was like just before time seem to accelerate and we were thrust into facing the ‘real world’.

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Believe In Love.

It’s easy to grow cynical of love, to be hesitant of it’s existence, and to grow doubtful to ever experience a feeling that you have been yearning and searching for in what seems like forever. With time, we are witnesses to people who should be in love, fighting until hatred consumes their hearts. We are left wondering why people break up and divorce is an necessity till they become strangers again. And we experience the anguish, hopelessness, and disbelief that is involved when your heart is broken into two as someone takes a piece of you that you fear will never be returned. 

At these dark moments when you’re finally about to throw the white flag into the air to signal your readiness to give up in believing in love, just look around the world and it’s almost certain that you’ll find two people who are undeniably in love. You’ll discover people looking into each others eyes so deeply, that in you’re heart you know that two souls are sharing a conversation could only be understood by them. You’ll hear people talk about someone they love as a smile that only exists for one person forms upon their face while their mind wanders off to a world where they can smell, feel, and be with the person their heart is beating for. And you will see an attraction between two people that you once thought only existed in the pages of novels, the screens of movies, and in the happily ever afters of fairy tales.

When you’re able to see that right in front of you, you’ll want to continue your search for love no matter how difficult and gruelling the journey maybe. Because something in you will realize love truly exists in this imperfect world, and wherever it maybe for you, it’s worth looking for to experience even second of what can only be described as magical. That it’s worth it to believe in love. 

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The Forever That Never Happened. 

I miss having conversation with you; those conversations that I could only have with you, filled with inside jokes that must now go unused or misunderstood by other ears. I miss going on those walks with you during the nights when the rest of the world was asleep and the stars and moon stayed up with us; those were the nights we felt free without wanting the day to come to an end. 

I miss being able to do nothing in someones company, yet it did not feel like we have wasted any time but rather the very opposite. These moments of nothingness are more memorable than the busy-filled days we had with others. I miss reminiscing about memories I had with you while making new memories in the process and planning on making more in the future. We promised that this would last forever, but unfortunately this was a promise that was broken by both us. 

I thought that we had more time that I took it all for granted. I thought we had forever so I didn’t say goodbye when I probably should have. This is the forever that never happened. 

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Each moment.

Stumble, skip, and run with your arms flailing through the wind. Enjoy the highs of life when time feels meaningless and remember the lows when sadness exists because you cared about something so deeply. Understand that your heartbreaks exist because you were lucky enough to love. Never forget that you worry and stress because your dreams are so big.

Live your life. Each moment of it. Every down and up; every smile and tear. Life is too short and complex to be obsessed with one aspect of it; to not realize how each part of it creates this story of you.

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The Anxiety of The Meaning of Life.

I use to write on here constantly. It was a way to express and reveal my inner thoughts while being somewhat anonymous. It was only later when I finally no longer wrote as often that I realized how linked my writing was to this inner anxiety, fear, and sadness that I carried. As I started to find my way in life, I no longer needed this escape and release. It didn't mean I no longer had these thoughts and questions towards life but I became more focused on living my life rather than analyzing it. There are some posts that I always wanted to finish though and this is one of them: The Anxiety of The Meaning of Life.

There are many times throughout my life where I have thought about the meaning of life. If I were to discover mine, maybe I would be happier and this anxious feeling that I wasting away precious time would go away. Living aimlessly and loss always felt defeating. Fear sets in that you would leave this world unfulfilled and you would have more regrets than satisfaction for what you have accomplished. There is another thought that terrified me: what if there was no meaning of life? Would I be okay with that? That there was no answer to why I was here.

In my high school and college years, this anxiety grew as peers started to carve off their own paths that differed from my own. The world opened up and I felt lost in the shuffle. I tried to find things I was passionate about or careers to pursue but there was this voice in my head that made me question my decisions. There were countless times when I felt really alone as if I was drowning in a cold dark vast ocean where no one can hear my screams for help. You learn so much about disappointment and loss as you grow older that it becomes too much sometimes. There is an obsession toward finding your happiness in the future that anything short of it feels like it would be a failure. You wonder if it's worth it to go through these dark mountains of problems if at the end of your journey over it you discover there was nothing there for you at all.

Do you want the truth of what I learnt? Hint: It's not the meaning of life. That question still is elusive to me. It is a cliche that has held a deeper meaning to me though: It's about the journey and not the destination. I can't control the future and I definitely could never have predicted what has happened so far. Life is a constant battle of good and bad moments and you just have to take advantage of these precious moments where your world feels at peace. I have enough suffered heartbreaks, loss, and stressful moments where I feel like I'm just hanging on and know there is a plentiful on the horizon. I just no longer let those moments define how I view my life. I discover that the meaning of life differs so much between each individual that I'm almost okay with that I may never really know it until the end or ever.

I try to make the most of the time of the people I spend with, knowing I may not be able to in the future. Enjoy every song and show I watch. Do my best at whatever I'm doing and never really giving myself a timeline when I'm supposed to be happy or fulfilled because life changes constantly that mold my thoughts and my very being differently and with it, my goals and dreams change with it. The anxiety of finding meaning in life is real - but never let it be the thing that stops you from actually living your life.

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R A C I S M.

One thing I always say when the topic of racism is brought up is how ignorant I was to it. I was born and raised in Canada and I’m half Filipino and half Chinese. I was lucky because I grew up in a household that didn’t judge people because of their colour or culture. My normal was to associate with people through my judgment of character and when I went to school, I made many friends with different backgrounds and that was my normal. The friends I made were always accepting of me and my race was never at the forefront for anything. Sure there were jokes about being Asian, that I’ve even made myself, but I’ve always known they were jokes. 

But that’s the part of the problem. You see, what I called 'lucky' is now what I see as privileged. I was privileged enough to grow up in a world where everything seemed okay and I had a blind eye to racism because I  was not being affected by it. Being privileged is not a bad thing as I am lucky, but not everyone is that lucky but deserves to be.

It wasn’t really until the SARS breakout happened that I experienced racism to a larger extent. I was playing in a soccer game and was, in my opinion, was playing a great aggressive game. I remember coughing a little, and suddenly parents on the other team yelled at their children to stay away from me because I had SARS and some of the kids when threatening me. I remember being scared that maybe at the end of the game, that some of the kids from the other team may hurt me during the handshake. Luckily, I had great friends and coaches on my team that I was able to feel safer and not let that moment affects me yet to this day, I still think about it. To imagine, I only experienced racism a few times in my life, and it sticks with me, that there are people who experiences it so much more.

I can’t even comprehend how people who go through racism most to every day must feel. To feel scared or judged because of their culture. It’s not that everyone is racist, but there are enough people that are just as ignorant of the amount of racism in the world that it’s suddenly is acceptable. Racism should NOT be acceptable and ignored until the next big story comes out. I understand the anger expressed because it’s hard to have a voice when your voice is being ignored, but because most people can’t understand the extent of what is being argued since they don’t personally see it.  

I was privileged to grow up in an accepting place. However, it’s my responsibility to not let my ignorance of something stop me from learning of the problem that do still exist and to be part of the solution. Human decency and compassion shouldn’t be rare and accountability to be the best we can be should always be there. We can say that judgement is just how humans are, but if that’s the case, we must change and be better.

[aadambautistaa]

MY EXISTENTIAL CRISIS.  written 05/11/18

I get worried that my life is not enough, not that there is a lack of accomplishments or relationships, but rather this uncomfortable feeling that life itself should have more meaning. I stay hopelessly awake in a desperate attempt I would be able to find or give myself this purpose that would give everything I do worth. 

I find myself digging this inescapable hole in which the idea of death snuggles too comfortably in my everyday thoughts. Religion comes into play, as surely life gains more meaning if God exists and there's life beyond ours, but as much my faith is strong, I cannot help but wonder the possibility if I was wrong. If there is nothing but this, then surely we have to make the most it, whatever that means. 

I regress to the fact that all the money that I work for every day is not enough, as it surely doesn’t mean everything. For work, no matter how passionate one is, only seems like a means to be able to attain material items or escapes from reality. I think about friendships and understand the importance of them, yet seen enough where friends drift away to know that I’m putting myself in a dangerous position to put all my meaning in things that can leave at a moment's notice.

...

I wrote this almost two years ago and it got buried it in my drafts. A few months later, I met her and everything changed. I get the feeling of feeling lost, alone, and depressed. To feel stuck. One day changed all that and things slowly got better as my perspective of life changed. As easy as it is to get trapped by darkness, what many don’t know is how easy it is to find yourself again. Mentally life can be draining, but give yourself a chance and fight for happiness, and life can be everything you want it to be, if not more. 

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DRIFTING & FORGETTING.

It’s an inevitable part of life that you cannot keep everyone in your life. We take paths in our lives that lead us in different directions and as time moves forward, we forget about some people as our memory makes room for new ones. I always hated feeling nostalgic and realizing how many people who have had a small or large impact in my life are no longer around me.

I liken it to watching only the beginning of a movie or reading the first few chapters of a book and to be deprived of its conclusion. There's a sense curiosity of how the story ended and sadness in the fact you may never know.  

I always believed that there is a reason why some people enter your life but have yet to grasp why they had to leave. I guess some people are meant to be just a footnote in our story who can alter it completely and disappear to be just another stranger in this universe.

There was a time when our paths crossed. Our stories became one. No matter where we ended up, somewhere lost in time within memories and faces is you.

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Reflection.

I use to stay up late at night, put a song on repeat, and start typing about love, depression, and life. I never intended in beginning to display these thoughts out in the open, but writing became my escape and it was always easiest to write about the things that were jumbled in my brain.  

Eventually, I was not as compelled to write as much as I use to. I’ll read what I wrote and find it unrecognizable, as if it was written by a stranger. It has now become a reflection of my growth and how much can change in ten years. It significant because ten years ago, I was just about to graduate from high school and was scared about my future. The world of possibilities was so wide open and yet it was confusing to know what path to even begin to take. I was anxious about failing, terrified that love would evade me, and most of all, I was worried how I was leaving this important part of my life: childhood.

There’s a lot that could happen in 10 years. I felt failure and only recently felt like I found my footing again. My heart was broken but I found also found the one person who has not only healed it, but has made me forever better. I also realized that despite leaving childhood, that I’m still young and this is a part of my life that I will most likely look fondly upon too.

I look back at these last few years, and recognize how life can harden people through losing them. I realize how easy it becomes to drift away from people, and how as your world expands, it become even easier to forget too many individuals who were once part of it. And I realize, good or bad, a lot of people did not end up where I thought they were going to end up. And the unexpected happens, such as a pandemic that almost shuts the world down. 

All you can do is keep trying and creating new memories. To realize as much sadness and madness the world contains, there’s so much love and excitement that balances it. Life is short, and some stories come to an end way too soon, but never stop making the most of it.

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anyone still go on here?

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And Now I’m Here.

The older I’ve gotten, I think I've grown more appreciative of everything around me and all that I have. It’s funny, you would think in a world where social media is so prominent that it would be easier to keep in touch with the people you have met, but that is hardly the case. You lose touch with a lot of people and you get so caught up with everything else that looking back seems like a waste. 

You will forget about these people who once were your world. These friends and people you fell for just become strangers and you’ll never know what has become of them. Songs you sang and replayed endlessly just become nostalgic tunes you hear by accident. Shows you adored and rushed home to watch are forgotten and never re-watched again.

Time is ruthless as it stops for no one. Memories are all you have but they are easily lost and replaced. And once it’s all over, I think you just have these fragments knowing your life was an accumulation of a lot. That your story is full of adventures and characters. It all helped you to get somewhere. So far I had this amazing life and now I’m here. 

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Trapped Within Our Souls

Haven’t you ever wanted to be able to capture the raw emotion you feel when you feel depressed, petrified, elated, or in love and have the complex ability to convey them smoothly with ink, lead, or paint onto a blank piece of paper acting as your canvas? To be able to touch the hearts of those who read the words or sees your artwork that describes what has been and is being transcribed within your very soul?

In moments of deep solidarity, we are most aware of these feelings, which no words known to man can describe. Sometimes it tortures us, strongly gripping onto our regrets and mistakes that we much rather forget. Sometimes it causes tears to roll from our eyes, showing only a hint of the complexity of sadness that aches within. Sometimes it makes us feel the emotion that man has only describes as love, and we yearn to capture this emotion like a camera captures a picture.

And we wish to share these fleeting moments with the world, hoping that they can truly understand how we feel; to meet the demons and angels that consumes our heart.  Unknowingly to us, the strangers to the friends that surround us feel similar raw emotions we do, trapped within their very souls, and also unable to convey the true extent of them to the world.

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# 55 | July 31, 2011 | Adam Bautista

5 Minutes 

What would happen if you just discover that you only had five minutes left before the world ceased to exist. Only five minutes to say everything we wanted to say and do all the things we wanted to do. What would your final moments be like if you only had five minutes left to live. 

Five minutes: That’s is all you have left. Are you waiting silently accepting that this is it. Is your mind spinning with thoughts and countless flashbacks of the life you had?

Four minutes: That’s all you have left. Who are you trying to call as the phones are jammed as countless others are trying to make that one last phone call as well? Who are you running to as you make that last ditch effort to be with someone, maybe to kiss or hug them for the last time. Maybe just to let them know you love them.

Three minutes: That’s all you have left. Do you believe this is happening? How could everything you have ever known be vanishing forever? Do you silently laugh at all those things that we’re seemingly important that means nothing to you now? And do you grimace with sadness at all those things you took for granted and now will miss the most?

Two Minutes: That’s all you have left. Are you praying? For what happens after life? Are you asking for forgiveness for all wrong things you have done in your life or just too preoccupied for the regrets you have of things that are now too late be done.

One Minute: Why are you noticing such small things such a breathing and your heart beat. What are you thinking of? Thirty Seconds: Are you crying that it’s almost over or smiling for a life well spent? Ten Second: You look around, take a breath, and feel alive for one last time. Three, two, one..and it’s over. 

Tell me, What would you do if you only had five minutes left to live?

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# 53 | July 27, 2011 | Adam Bautista

You’re Worth It.

There are moments in our lives when we feel worthless. You truly do not feel good enough, especially to those who we have given our hearts too. you feel like you have been taken for granted by your friends and family. During these times, you question what you could possibly be doing wrong? How could someone anyone ever love you when you feel so flawed? It feels like everyone has secretly got the map of how to navigate through life and forgot to give it to you. Deep down, you believe everyone has got their life together while you’re a mistake.

If you are reading this though, I want you to remember that you are worth it; you are good enough. I know I may just be a stranger and you may disregard everything I say because I don’t know anything about you, but I beg you to believe me. Believe that you are beautiful, inside and out. Believe that you make someone smile even when they feel like crying. Believe that you make someone happy by just talking to them even when the conversation is seemingly about nothing. Believe that you make a difference in people's lives and that you are good enough the way you are. Believe that other people do believe in you. Believe that you are worth it.

We rarely admit how much we care for another person. We forget to tell them how much we love them or appreciate everything they do for us. We acknowledge how much someone really means to us every day and don’t tell them how amazingly beautiful or special they are to our lives. But just because we do not say it or show it many times, it doesn’t mean it’s not true. Don’t stop believing that you’re worth it because know you never deserve to feel that way. You deserve to know that you are extraordinary in every single way possible.

[aadambautistaa]

# 52 | July 26, 2011 | Adam Bautista

Fairy Tales

Once upon a time, a lot of us grew up witnessing fairy tales unfold before our eyes through magical screens and through pages and pages tucked away in books. We grew up believing in and wanting our own happily ever afters. We dreamt of one day living the rest of their lives incredibly happy with someone who makes our hearts skip a beat and make us smile, unlike no other person can. We believed that one day, the stories we're a part of would turn in to our own fairy tales, and we would one day meet our Prince Charming or Cinderella.

Somewhere in life though, many of us grew up and became hesitant to believe in happily ever afters and one day we opened our eyes and realize those dreams we once had just faded away. And reality causes us to be cynical and scoff at how naive we once were to have dreamt for something that now seems like an impossibility. We let go of the concept of fairytales, for we let life defeat us in thinking it is not and will not ever be a fairy tale.

But tell me what's wrong with dreaming for something amazing. What's wrong with wanting to be like Cinderella and believing that love is not prejudiced no matter how much life brings your down and hopeless it seemed. What's wrong with wanting to be like Beast and believe that no matter how ugly you feel, the beauty inside you will shine through and love can prevail. Heck, what's wrong with being Shrek and believing even when you feel like you're not worth it and no one can love you, you can totally wrong and still be loved.

So just because you're growing up, don't let your dreams fade and stop believing in fairy tales. Cause even though they are such a rarity and it seems like this world is too cruel to let such a thing come true, we should never stop dreaming to be happy. And one day, you'll meet someone who will help you believe in fairy tales all over again and you will live happily ever after.

[aadambautistaa]

# 51 | July 18, 2011 | Adam Bautista

Giving Your Heart Away.

It's odd isn't it, how the most amazing and comforting feeling of love can also be so terrifying and leave you in a state vulnerability to the person you entrust with your heart. And in this one moment when you decide to give your heart to someone, you give them this titanic power to dictate your emotions, to make you smile on days when you just want to cry, to be jealous when you try hard not to be, to make you breakdown in tears when they do you wrong, and to make the most scared you have ever been in life that they could steal your heart and walk out of your life, or even worst, they could shatter your heart in to a thousand pieces causing a pain like no other.

In the end, it all comes down to one thing: trusting another soul to protect and not hurt your heart even when they have the ability too. And some of you who are reading these very words might be thinking, whether of thinking back to past relationships or seeing it from other people or how you're feeling right now, how there must be a lot of untrustworthy people in this world to account for the countless broken hearts and tears caused by love.

But I think it's actually cause even though we feel like the person we love can do no wrong, we forget they are human and are bound to make mistakes no matter how careful they are not to. So when you're giving your heart with someone, just trust them to hold on to it as tight as they can. You're heart could get some bumps and bruises and it could get hurt, but no relationship is ever made to perfection and it's hard to not crack something so fragile. So have faith in love and in the person you love. Most importantly, trust yourself that the reason you're giving your heart away is because that one person was already deemed worth it to give your all too; so don't easily give up on them when they make a couple of mistakes. And if your heart does break, never be afraid to one day give your heart to someone else who will put the pieces of your heart back to get and protect it.

And also remember, even though it's scary giving your heart away, the other person is probably just scared giving theirs to you as well. So be courageous to give part of you to someone else, because believe me when I say love is worth the risk.

[aadambautistaa]

#50 | February 16, 2011 | Adam Bautista

Take A Walk In My Shoes.

If you were going to take a walk in my shoes, then I do not envy you. For you would be stuck in a maze with no exit and trapped within walls that would even make the greatest escape artists claustrophobic.

And at your feet you would see that the ‘shoes’ you wear are not even there, for you walk bare across shatter glass, cutting you deep from each step you take. Reflections of these broken fragments you walk through are images reminding you of dreams that you once believed in, now destroyed by a series of unfortunate events that acted as the hammer that smashed it.

If you were going to take a walk in my shoes, I suggest that you bring a flashlight, but I doubt that it will bring any use to you. As the darkness that surrounds you is nowhere comparative to the darkness you’ll feel within, consuming at your heart where it is home to the monsters of cruelty and despair. I promise you, you would not last a second in my shoes. Not with the demons that walk beside and within me every day. But don’t even think about taking a walk in my shoes, for I would never allow you too. No one deserves this pain I feel inside.