Let's try to be positive

[mymiscalculatedlife-blog]

If only stress could be erased.

How great would it be...

If I don’t need to be anxious when I sleep,

as I worry about my whole life before me

recalling all the terrible disasters and my mistakes

If only I could be better, why do I hurt people and myself?

Sometimes I think that hurting someone else will make me feel better about myself, it will justify why I feel this way, why I feel like shit all the time. 

I know it’s wrong so I shroud myself in my own thoughts, wishing I could stay in my daydreams forever, wondering whether being gone will be a better alternative. But I realised that a large amount of people in this world feel the same as me, think the same as me. If only we can reach out to each other. How great will that be? But this is all but a dream, that gives me hope that maybe this society will be able to protect their world/ 

[mymiscalculatedlife-blog]

Nightmare Accomodation

Living on egg-shells.

Every night it’s too cold, the duvets aren’t fitted properly it looks nothing like the pictures and I’ve lost a couple hundred quid...not doing fine. In the process of cancelling direct debits with the bank, and talking to the head of the accommodation who’s like Jeykl and Hyde...

No I don’t know Spanish so why are you trying to convince me when the university had tried to mediate the situation?Why did you lie about the massive surplus charge, when there was none in the contract?Is the profit margin greater than the service you should provide to students in your care? This could have been resolved if you was willing to listen and not be rude and stubborn, now i’m constantly worried we’ll be kicked out, worried you’ll try to charge us more... worried, that I become dizzy and anxious. 

Scared to tell my parents on the loss, trying to make up for it by crazily writing calculations on my hands like a mad man. I read that living abroad is a learning experience, it definitely is...I know which companies to avoid and feel like never travelling again. 

[mymiscalculatedlife-blog]

Why a blog?

I started studying abroad because the previous year at my university was miss-managed and hectic. I decided that I wanted to learn a new language and meet a new culture so I went to Spain.

My course and university didn’t offer many sister university’s so I had few to choose from, perhaps I was too hasty in my decision...

I had already decided that I would start a blog about how amazing my experience would be, the travelling, the excitement, making friends. I’ve been here for 5 days already and everything seems to be falling apart. Layer by layer my expectations are sunk to the lowest of the low. 

Everything isn't as I expected it to be, the facilities, the experience has felt lame in comparison to my home university.

‘Did I make the wrong decision again?’ 

I decided to call this blog miscalculated as everything in my life seems to be  declining graph, from the starting university everything I see is stress and what-ifs. I have such poor judgement that even when its the start of the process I can see failure. I should really go to the doctor about anxiety, but it’s because of anxiety I don't go. I hope that through writing this blog I can be truthful to myself and my experiences, and perhaps one day be relaxed and content with my life.